(no subject)
Ok so now that I have my voice back and my life is a little more back to normal...whatever 'normal' is anyway, I thought I would take the time to write! What a crazy two weeks, I sang for my friends wedding and it went fine...yay! I sang "Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuik (sp?). Then I had a 20 reunion thingy for my best friend to go to and I had to speak at it which was a tiny bit nerve racking! It's all over now though and we are on to the stress of Christmas...I haven't started shopping yet...yikes!
I'm so excited because a friend of mine who I haven't seen in 8 years, because she moved out west, is coming to stay with me this weekend for two days!!!! :) I am going to take her on Saturday to meet my birth family which is kind of exciting too, because she has known me since I was 10 or so and knew that I was adopted, so she can't wait either.She finds the whole story fascinating. She was also my maid of honour in my wedding and is just really special to me!!
My girls are feeling much better...*crosses fingers* and hopefully over the holidays we all stay well!!!
Frustrated with the weight thing, I thought I was doing well with restricting like crazy but apparently the scale proved that to be WRONG!!! grrr that just means I have to try harder! I bought a dress for my friends wedding and I am going to wear it again for a Christmas Party on the 22nd SO...I want to lose at LEAST 5lbs by then! What I really need is to get running again and then it would come off a lot quicker! I am good during the day, it's when I go home and make dinner for the family...grrr :( What goes in at night finds it's way back out because I just can't deal with knowing it's in there making me FAT, I just wish I would just stop being so weak and pathetic and resist it so that I don't have do get rid of it!!!!! I have been feeling the emotional affects of all of this lately too which SUCKS!!! I don't want to 'feel' any emotional crap, maybe when I am finally thin enough then I might feel like the emotional crap is acceptable...or not?!!?! So far when I feel the tear I've been able to fight it off, but I am afraid that one of these times I won't :( I've also been busy fighting off all those feelings of rejection and feeling like I am a worthless piece of crap, that no one should waste their time caring about...you know the usual garbage that comes with the territory!
My friend and I had that 'little talk' that we were supposed to have a while ago after I wrote him a long letter trying to explain some of the chaos in my mind. It went ok, we only touched slightly on the ED issue and I really HATE to admit this but I didn't want to talk about it all. I want to 'fix' everything else and leave that alone, let me just fade away please! I don't want to tell him that I am not willing to change or even work on any of that because I SHOULD be ready and I really do wish I was...but deep down inside I know I'm not and that it's so unfair to hold that from him! My heart is telling me to be honest and not play games but my head is telling me "NO you have a mission to complete and you are NOTHING without it so don't even think about not completing your mission!!!!!" The mind is a crazy thing huh?! So we left it that I was to write down more of what I am feeling because that is the first time he has felt that I was so open about how I felt.
x-posted SOME of this to my community!
I'm so excited because a friend of mine who I haven't seen in 8 years, because she moved out west, is coming to stay with me this weekend for two days!!!! :) I am going to take her on Saturday to meet my birth family which is kind of exciting too, because she has known me since I was 10 or so and knew that I was adopted, so she can't wait either.She finds the whole story fascinating. She was also my maid of honour in my wedding and is just really special to me!!
My girls are feeling much better...*crosses fingers* and hopefully over the holidays we all stay well!!!
Frustrated with the weight thing, I thought I was doing well with restricting like crazy but apparently the scale proved that to be WRONG!!! grrr that just means I have to try harder! I bought a dress for my friends wedding and I am going to wear it again for a Christmas Party on the 22nd SO...I want to lose at LEAST 5lbs by then! What I really need is to get running again and then it would come off a lot quicker! I am good during the day, it's when I go home and make dinner for the family...grrr :( What goes in at night finds it's way back out because I just can't deal with knowing it's in there making me FAT, I just wish I would just stop being so weak and pathetic and resist it so that I don't have do get rid of it!!!!! I have been feeling the emotional affects of all of this lately too which SUCKS!!! I don't want to 'feel' any emotional crap, maybe when I am finally thin enough then I might feel like the emotional crap is acceptable...or not?!!?! So far when I feel the tear I've been able to fight it off, but I am afraid that one of these times I won't :( I've also been busy fighting off all those feelings of rejection and feeling like I am a worthless piece of crap, that no one should waste their time caring about...you know the usual garbage that comes with the territory!
My friend and I had that 'little talk' that we were supposed to have a while ago after I wrote him a long letter trying to explain some of the chaos in my mind. It went ok, we only touched slightly on the ED issue and I really HATE to admit this but I didn't want to talk about it all. I want to 'fix' everything else and leave that alone, let me just fade away please! I don't want to tell him that I am not willing to change or even work on any of that because I SHOULD be ready and I really do wish I was...but deep down inside I know I'm not and that it's so unfair to hold that from him! My heart is telling me to be honest and not play games but my head is telling me "NO you have a mission to complete and you are NOTHING without it so don't even think about not completing your mission!!!!!" The mind is a crazy thing huh?! So we left it that I was to write down more of what I am feeling because that is the first time he has felt that I was so open about how I felt.
x-posted SOME of this to my community!