Episode ★ 9 ★
TONIGHT on the Report...
[ INVASION OF THE JOURNAL-SNATCHERS ]
There's been an invasion of hackers getting into journals and deleting the entries of communities. That's why I've had this community installed with a top of the notch security system.
[ GAYS OF OUR LIVES ]
roleplaysecrets has done it again, helped promote the Gay Anon Agenda. But it is one touching story. I see a full-length feature starring Kate Winslet and Sandra Bullock in the future.
My guest tonight is Haku (broken_tool) of a_facility. Why settle for just "a facility", Haku? Aim for The Facility. Capital T, capital F.
Spring doesn't start until I see my shadow. This is The Colbert Roleplay Report.
Nation, welcome to the Report. I want to start off by thanking everyone who voted in the "2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness BETA" Edition in Episode 8. It was a tough decision for you all, but we've come through the first round with two proud winners. (I would like to note that there are 421 watchers of this community, and yet only 51 people voted! That's 370 votes I'm still waiting for, and I can't wait forever.)
Stephen Colbert, D.F.A. (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 17 (34.7%)
Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 32 (65.3%)
Stephen T. Colbert (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 23 (45.1%)
Sir Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 28 (54.9%)
Now it's time for the Final Round. Everything goes in this match, folks, and this will crown the winner of the 2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness BETA. Vote wisely.*
Poll March Madness Beta FINAL
* By submitting this vote, you are also agreeing that 1) the winner of this poll should also take over President Obama's administration (or anything with high authority); 2) You are also aware that signing a petition for this event to happen is inevitable, no matter how crazy it sounds; 3) You agree that America is your overlord; 4) Stephen Colbert is your overlord and is better than Jon Stewart or any late-night television host; and, 5) you will call Oprah Winfrey so that the winner of this competition can be on the cover of the next O Magazine.
Now let's get down to it.
★ INVASION OF THE JOURNAL-SNATCHERS
Whether you signed up for it or not, we all get announcements from our LiveJournal Overlords in our inbox every time we log in. It's even worse when you have more than one account and have to see the same thing over and over, but sometimes, they actually have something important to say. (That's not to say that letting us know what other cute icon we can buy from the Gift Shop is bad, but I refuse to buy anything with Frank on it.) The latest notice addressed the sudden plague of LiveJournal Hijackers.
"Recently some journals and communities have been broken into, their contents deleted, and their owners locked out. We want to explain how this can happen and give you some steps you can take to help prevent this from happening to your journal or community.
There was something else on dispelling rumors and friending bots, and something else to do with Hotmail addresses, but all I needed to see whats "broken into" and "bots". That's right, folks, ROBOTS are taking over your LiveJournal. Or bored teenagers with knowledge of Java. Either way, it's something we should absolutely be afraid of and prepared for. What started out as a way for human beings to make friends who didn't want to leave their living room to go meet people face to face has become a battle against the Metal Man.
But luckily, folks, you have me to help you through these rough times. This is the Threat Down.
★ THREAT DOWN
✗ Threat number FIVE: BEARS
Bears are never to be trusted. You can go to the zoo and they will watch you with their beady little eyes, plotting on how they want to disembowel you and feed you to their young. We're nearing the beginning of spring, and that means that the bears of the world will be coming out of hibernation. You may think you're safe here on the internet, hiding behind your high-speed connections, but think again. The Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle, Washington has a feature on their website that is so terrifying, I would go get your comfort blanket before reading further.
Two of the park's grizzy bears have a feature on their website. That's right, they have a Bear Cam, where viewers can check on the brother bears any time you want. You can see them from the comfort of your own home, at work, or even on your iPhone. The bears could be on any electronic device you own. And with the coming of spring, they will be more active than ever. So set your parental controls to high. Porn sites may still sneak through the filter with clever names like "pink taco" and "cute asian girl has fun with fruit", but the bears will stay where they should stay: behind bars.
✗ Threat number FOUR: ANONS
You all ready know I'm not fond of the idea of "Anons", which is short of "Anonymous Pussies". Hiding behind the lack of an IP address, no icons, and no username doesn't make you free of blame. Just because we can't identify you and stalk your account for mud-slinging doesn't mean we still cant point a finger at you. Even if your arguments make perfect logical sense, we can still call you a coward for not saying it with a username to back it up.
Anons lack the balls that the rest of us have when posting our opinions to accept whatever reactions the masses have. And if having a username and voicing your opinions gives you big balls, then mine would need a wheel barrow to cart around. So grow some balls, Anons, and say what you want to say in a way that we can identify you and effectively sling mud back at the right person. Or else we'll just blame all Anons at once, which I'm fine with either way.
✗ Threat number THREE: TWITTER
This is up here for the sole reason that it made me say "twatted" on National Television, which makes me sound like someone who gets off to making posts on the internet every three seconds. Now, I can't account for half of the United States Congress - they are Twitter fiends - but it takes more than a few posts of "LOL so drunk rihtg nao" to get my blood boiling.
So, let's re-define that word, since it's not in the dictionary and Microsoft Word doesn't recognize it. Twatted. 1) to have updated your Twitter in the past. 2) to have been a twat. 3) the sound of smacking a small child for insubordination.
✗ Threat number TWO: FRIENDING BOTS
LiveJournal defines friending bots as accounts "which often friend a large number of users seemingly at random and also post content copied from other locations in an attempt to appear as a normal user." But what they don't want you to know is that it goes even further. They aren't only trying to appear as another user, they are trying to be your friend.
Friending robots do their evil deeds by appearing as any regular LiveJournal Human with the goal to ring you into becoming their friend in order to either destroy all humans, or make you a robot. And they do it with the cunning use of the friend add feature that LiveJournal itself came up with. We never had any problems with even having friends until LiveJournal decided to put that hyperlink up, and now robots are running rampant across the internet that they themselves run. But they run based on our commands. These friending robots are renegade appliances who get into it for the sick thrill. So protect yourself from these friending bots by having no friends at all. A solitary life, but a robot-free one.
✗ Threat number ONE: FANGIRLS
If you're a girl and you're a fan, then you know fangirls are a force to be respected and feared. They can make a Beatles concert a deaf-defying event and a convention your worst nightmare. The Dean fangirls won him a title in the UNBeta'd version of Fandom March Madness, and failed Jon Stewart in winning anything important. But the fangirls you need to be most wary of are Yaoi Fangirls. They will take any two straight men and turn them into sodomy addicts and drag queens over night. Characterization isn't important, it's all about the buttsex.
There is only one way to deal with this breed of fangirls: run. You will never win the argument, especially if you like a couple that would potentially break up their One True Pairing. They will come at you with their mighty digital sporks of gay justice and come at you like you have eaten their first born child. It's best to just avoid them all together. Let them duke it out amongst themselves. The last one standing can take it up with the fangirl who likes a heterosexual pairing that would potentially break up the yaoi fangirl's gay pairing. Now that is quality entertainment.
★ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
If you're like me, then you're an immensely popular celebrity on and off the internet, and you're concerned for future of your community and it's priceless entries. Thankfully, permanent_way has developed a new security system for your community and/or journal that will dissuade any potential hacker. Picture this, that no-life 16 year-old with more knowledge of his computers than his parents who's all ready reached the top level at World of Warcraft, lurking about LiveJournal. They pick out the first journal they see with a name they find interesting, or worse, they find you interesting. And if you're me, you're very interesting. Just when they think they can get in, your journal does a one-eighty. That's right, what seemed just like you on the outside, is apparently not you at all on the inside. Some may call this "Out of Character", but I think of it as camouflage. You may think you're getting me, Stephen Colbert, but you should know that the real Stephen Colbert is not a Pokemon. But thanks to the new permanent_way Security System 2000, everyday hackers won't notice the difference.
★ GAYS OF OUR LIVES
I've stated in the past that roleplaysecrets is serious business, and it is. There are few things more beautiful than two socially awkward people finding love because of some Photoshopped graphics posted on a LiveJournal community every day. No, while Roleplay!Secrets is not a dating service, that doesn't stop soul mates from making a connection across the interwebs and declaring said love to the masses that didn't even know they cared yet. Secret post #251, secrets 06 and 07 proves my point to the fullest.
Never before as Roleplay!Secrets been so much like the soaps we watch on day-time television. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read this monster of a thread and tell me that you aren't touched that the players of two Gundam characters made a connection through people that they really aren't.
Now, there was some skepticism about the validity of these two secrets. They were posted up numerically, one right after the other. Maybe it was fate, maybe the Roleplay!Secrets mods saw the two secrets and decided to play matchmaker. One mod responded to the theory:
Each secret was posted to the submission post less than a minute from each other? Some people may think that it was either planned, or maybe even the same Anon wanting to provide us with some entertainment. The two secrets are very similar, both using fonts that simulate handwriting and mention the age difference that would probably upset one of the Anon's mother. But I say it is just more evidence that it was meant to be. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just jealous they haven't found their soul mate through pretending to be fictional characters. Jump on the bandwagon, or stop complaining.
This brings me to another point, though. These two players - most likely women - are playing two male characters in a relationship. Admittedly one of them looks like a woman, but at the end of the day they both have a Y chromosome. Now, I'm definitely against taking straight characters and making them gay so you can have a smut log, but I'm even more against it when you're gayifying me.
The rp_kink_meme was graced with a suggestion of me, but Jon/Me, which is not okay. Consider yourself spited, Anon! But I do appreciate the plugging of my name wherever you can fit it in. My word does need to get around, but not to anyone who thinks I would be interested in a threesome with their cousin Phillip. If you're going to write gay fanfiction about me, Nation, at least make me the top. I'm a pitcher, not a catcher. And besides, doesn't a height rule apply? That means as long as Conan isn't involved, I'm top dog. But that doesn't mean I'm encouraging this sort of fic writing. If you're going to be writing fanfiction about me, why not make it about me becoming the new human Overlord in the not so distant future? Or about me winning the lottery and buying that new Audi I want so badly. That, my friends, is quality story-telling.
My guest tonight is Haku (broken_tool) from a_facility, a character from the series Naruto. I only know that because my kids like to watch it and then hang from the banisters like they're ninjas. But can Haku escape my questions with ninja-like powers? And what gender pronoun should I use? Let's find out.
[ INVASION OF THE JOURNAL-SNATCHERS ]
There's been an invasion of hackers getting into journals and deleting the entries of communities. That's why I've had this community installed with a top of the notch security system.
[ GAYS OF OUR LIVES ]
roleplaysecrets has done it again, helped promote the Gay Anon Agenda. But it is one touching story. I see a full-length feature starring Kate Winslet and Sandra Bullock in the future.
My guest tonight is Haku (broken_tool) of a_facility. Why settle for just "a facility", Haku? Aim for The Facility. Capital T, capital F.
Spring doesn't start until I see my shadow. This is The Colbert Roleplay Report.
Nation, welcome to the Report. I want to start off by thanking everyone who voted in the "2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness BETA" Edition in Episode 8. It was a tough decision for you all, but we've come through the first round with two proud winners. (I would like to note that there are 421 watchers of this community, and yet only 51 people voted! That's 370 votes I'm still waiting for, and I can't wait forever.)
Stephen Colbert, D.F.A. (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 17 (34.7%)
Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 32 (65.3%)
Stephen T. Colbert (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 23 (45.1%)
Sir Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report/The Roleplay Report) 28 (54.9%)
Now it's time for the Final Round. Everything goes in this match, folks, and this will crown the winner of the 2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness BETA. Vote wisely.*
Poll March Madness Beta FINAL
* By submitting this vote, you are also agreeing that 1) the winner of this poll should also take over President Obama's administration (or anything with high authority); 2) You are also aware that signing a petition for this event to happen is inevitable, no matter how crazy it sounds; 3) You agree that America is your overlord; 4) Stephen Colbert is your overlord and is better than Jon Stewart or any late-night television host; and, 5) you will call Oprah Winfrey so that the winner of this competition can be on the cover of the next O Magazine.
Now let's get down to it.
★ INVASION OF THE JOURNAL-SNATCHERS
Whether you signed up for it or not, we all get announcements from our LiveJournal Overlords in our inbox every time we log in. It's even worse when you have more than one account and have to see the same thing over and over, but sometimes, they actually have something important to say. (That's not to say that letting us know what other cute icon we can buy from the Gift Shop is bad, but I refuse to buy anything with Frank on it.) The latest notice addressed the sudden plague of LiveJournal Hijackers.
"Recently some journals and communities have been broken into, their contents deleted, and their owners locked out. We want to explain how this can happen and give you some steps you can take to help prevent this from happening to your journal or community.
There was something else on dispelling rumors and friending bots, and something else to do with Hotmail addresses, but all I needed to see whats "broken into" and "bots". That's right, folks, ROBOTS are taking over your LiveJournal. Or bored teenagers with knowledge of Java. Either way, it's something we should absolutely be afraid of and prepared for. What started out as a way for human beings to make friends who didn't want to leave their living room to go meet people face to face has become a battle against the Metal Man.
But luckily, folks, you have me to help you through these rough times. This is the Threat Down.
★ THREAT DOWN
✗ Threat number FIVE: BEARS
Bears are never to be trusted. You can go to the zoo and they will watch you with their beady little eyes, plotting on how they want to disembowel you and feed you to their young. We're nearing the beginning of spring, and that means that the bears of the world will be coming out of hibernation. You may think you're safe here on the internet, hiding behind your high-speed connections, but think again. The Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle, Washington has a feature on their website that is so terrifying, I would go get your comfort blanket before reading further.
Two of the park's grizzy bears have a feature on their website. That's right, they have a Bear Cam, where viewers can check on the brother bears any time you want. You can see them from the comfort of your own home, at work, or even on your iPhone. The bears could be on any electronic device you own. And with the coming of spring, they will be more active than ever. So set your parental controls to high. Porn sites may still sneak through the filter with clever names like "pink taco" and "cute asian girl has fun with fruit", but the bears will stay where they should stay: behind bars.
✗ Threat number FOUR: ANONS
You all ready know I'm not fond of the idea of "Anons", which is short of "Anonymous Pussies". Hiding behind the lack of an IP address, no icons, and no username doesn't make you free of blame. Just because we can't identify you and stalk your account for mud-slinging doesn't mean we still cant point a finger at you. Even if your arguments make perfect logical sense, we can still call you a coward for not saying it with a username to back it up.
Anons lack the balls that the rest of us have when posting our opinions to accept whatever reactions the masses have. And if having a username and voicing your opinions gives you big balls, then mine would need a wheel barrow to cart around. So grow some balls, Anons, and say what you want to say in a way that we can identify you and effectively sling mud back at the right person. Or else we'll just blame all Anons at once, which I'm fine with either way.
✗ Threat number THREE: TWITTER
This is up here for the sole reason that it made me say "twatted" on National Television, which makes me sound like someone who gets off to making posts on the internet every three seconds. Now, I can't account for half of the United States Congress - they are Twitter fiends - but it takes more than a few posts of "LOL so drunk rihtg nao" to get my blood boiling.
So, let's re-define that word, since it's not in the dictionary and Microsoft Word doesn't recognize it. Twatted. 1) to have updated your Twitter in the past. 2) to have been a twat. 3) the sound of smacking a small child for insubordination.
✗ Threat number TWO: FRIENDING BOTS
LiveJournal defines friending bots as accounts "which often friend a large number of users seemingly at random and also post content copied from other locations in an attempt to appear as a normal user." But what they don't want you to know is that it goes even further. They aren't only trying to appear as another user, they are trying to be your friend.
Friending robots do their evil deeds by appearing as any regular LiveJournal Human with the goal to ring you into becoming their friend in order to either destroy all humans, or make you a robot. And they do it with the cunning use of the friend add feature that LiveJournal itself came up with. We never had any problems with even having friends until LiveJournal decided to put that hyperlink up, and now robots are running rampant across the internet that they themselves run. But they run based on our commands. These friending robots are renegade appliances who get into it for the sick thrill. So protect yourself from these friending bots by having no friends at all. A solitary life, but a robot-free one.
✗ Threat number ONE: FANGIRLS
If you're a girl and you're a fan, then you know fangirls are a force to be respected and feared. They can make a Beatles concert a deaf-defying event and a convention your worst nightmare. The Dean fangirls won him a title in the UNBeta'd version of Fandom March Madness, and failed Jon Stewart in winning anything important. But the fangirls you need to be most wary of are Yaoi Fangirls. They will take any two straight men and turn them into sodomy addicts and drag queens over night. Characterization isn't important, it's all about the buttsex.
There is only one way to deal with this breed of fangirls: run. You will never win the argument, especially if you like a couple that would potentially break up their One True Pairing. They will come at you with their mighty digital sporks of gay justice and come at you like you have eaten their first born child. It's best to just avoid them all together. Let them duke it out amongst themselves. The last one standing can take it up with the fangirl who likes a heterosexual pairing that would potentially break up the yaoi fangirl's gay pairing. Now that is quality entertainment.
★ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
If you're like me, then you're an immensely popular celebrity on and off the internet, and you're concerned for future of your community and it's priceless entries. Thankfully, permanent_way has developed a new security system for your community and/or journal that will dissuade any potential hacker. Picture this, that no-life 16 year-old with more knowledge of his computers than his parents who's all ready reached the top level at World of Warcraft, lurking about LiveJournal. They pick out the first journal they see with a name they find interesting, or worse, they find you interesting. And if you're me, you're very interesting. Just when they think they can get in, your journal does a one-eighty. That's right, what seemed just like you on the outside, is apparently not you at all on the inside. Some may call this "Out of Character", but I think of it as camouflage. You may think you're getting me, Stephen Colbert, but you should know that the real Stephen Colbert is not a Pokemon. But thanks to the new permanent_way Security System 2000, everyday hackers won't notice the difference.
★ GAYS OF OUR LIVES
I've stated in the past that roleplaysecrets is serious business, and it is. There are few things more beautiful than two socially awkward people finding love because of some Photoshopped graphics posted on a LiveJournal community every day. No, while Roleplay!Secrets is not a dating service, that doesn't stop soul mates from making a connection across the interwebs and declaring said love to the masses that didn't even know they cared yet. Secret post #251, secrets 06 and 07 proves my point to the fullest.
Never before as Roleplay!Secrets been so much like the soaps we watch on day-time television. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read this monster of a thread and tell me that you aren't touched that the players of two Gundam characters made a connection through people that they really aren't.
Now, there was some skepticism about the validity of these two secrets. They were posted up numerically, one right after the other. Maybe it was fate, maybe the Roleplay!Secrets mods saw the two secrets and decided to play matchmaker. One mod responded to the theory:
Each secret was posted to the submission post less than a minute from each other? Some people may think that it was either planned, or maybe even the same Anon wanting to provide us with some entertainment. The two secrets are very similar, both using fonts that simulate handwriting and mention the age difference that would probably upset one of the Anon's mother. But I say it is just more evidence that it was meant to be. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just jealous they haven't found their soul mate through pretending to be fictional characters. Jump on the bandwagon, or stop complaining.
This brings me to another point, though. These two players - most likely women - are playing two male characters in a relationship. Admittedly one of them looks like a woman, but at the end of the day they both have a Y chromosome. Now, I'm definitely against taking straight characters and making them gay so you can have a smut log, but I'm even more against it when you're gayifying me.
The rp_kink_meme was graced with a suggestion of me, but Jon/Me, which is not okay. Consider yourself spited, Anon! But I do appreciate the plugging of my name wherever you can fit it in. My word does need to get around, but not to anyone who thinks I would be interested in a threesome with their cousin Phillip. If you're going to write gay fanfiction about me, Nation, at least make me the top. I'm a pitcher, not a catcher. And besides, doesn't a height rule apply? That means as long as Conan isn't involved, I'm top dog. But that doesn't mean I'm encouraging this sort of fic writing. If you're going to be writing fanfiction about me, why not make it about me becoming the new human Overlord in the not so distant future? Or about me winning the lottery and buying that new Audi I want so badly. That, my friends, is quality story-telling.
My guest tonight is Haku (broken_tool) from a_facility, a character from the series Naruto. I only know that because my kids like to watch it and then hang from the banisters like they're ninjas. But can Haku escape my questions with ninja-like powers? And what gender pronoun should I use? Let's find out.