Episode ★ 8 ★
TONIGHT on the Report...
[ March Sad-Ass ]
Fandom March Madness 2009 swept LiveJournal with one of the most disappointing results since March was invented: I didn't win. But since it's more interesting than Basketball, I'll cover it anyway.
[ Trend Tracking in the Untrendy ]
Like the sag of pants and rubber-band bracelets, Roleplaying has it's own set of trends to. And who better to report them to you than a man in his 40s? I got this shit, homedawgs.
Tonight's guest is so surprisingly secret, I can't even tell you their username right now. But my strings will be ready.
It's not Jenny from da bock. It's Stephen from the suburban house with a very nicely kept front lawn. This is The Colbert Roleplay Report.
Welcome to the Report, everyone. Nation, I know last week was disappointing, but for those of you who were worried, I am fine. And Julio has some over the counter pain meds and a brand new wrist brace. So the Roleplay Report is back on track.
I was browsing this week's rp_anon_meme, and besides the overload of cute animal videos and unnecessary dramadramaduck namedropping (if there is namedropping to be had, it should be mine, again and again), nothing wanky enough happened worth reporting. But there were some questions and gossip about me that I feel I should address.
Theory 1: Stephen is a writer for "The Colbert Report". And you are absolutely right, my friend. Everything you hear there and read here comes straight from me. My thoughts, my ideas like a raging river from Oregon Trail. Don't bother paying to ferry across, folks, you will be swept away with my brilliance one way or another.
Theory 2: Stephen was on spring break last week. Unfortunately, wrong. It has been freezing up here and I would love to join today's hipsters somewhere on a Caribbean Beach. But not Mexico, don't want to give the more reason to hop the fence.
Theory 3: Stephen is amazing. You couldn't be more right.
Now that that's been cleared up, let's move on.
★ MARCH SAD-ASS
As some of you may have followed, the 2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness event has finally pulled through with its results, but I stopped paying attention after the preliminaries. It's not because I don't like watching celebrities and fictional characters hash it out by popular vote - that's Democracy, folks - it's because it lost any hope right off the bat.
Fake News
Amy Poehler (Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live): 301 (16.8%)
Jon Stewart (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart): 882 (49.2%)
Seth Meyers (Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live): 103 (5.7%)
Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report): 505 (28.2%)
Mr. Stewart, I believe you owe this country an apology. That's 377 votes you owe me and America!
That's right, I didn't even make it through the preliminaries. As you can tell, there was no reason for me to follow with this sort of injustice. This is just one more award that I have been denied. After "World's Best Grandma", I will not stand for this! Or sit, because this chair is all leather and very comfortable.
2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness BETA
Poll March Madness Beta
The results will be posted in next week's Report, and then we will move on to the Championship round.
But for the other version of the Fandom March Madness, even after defeating me in the preliminaries, Jon failed to carry on the flag. He made it all the way to the Elite 8 Round, but lost to Barney Stinson from "How I Met Your Mother". He lost to a guy named Bareny. At the very least he could have lost to Barney Rubble, that guy has a club. You can see the results here.
Frankly, I wanted to see Jon go off against House. Maybe next time.
So who won?
Dean Winchester from "Supernatural". While I don't approve of the classic pretty-boy favoritism that's been shown here, I do approve of the method that got him to the top. And that brings us to tonight's word...
FEAR-ORCACY
We Americans are used to this sort of tactic, a trademark of the Late Bush Administration. What better way is there to gain support than to scaring everyone into liking you?
Kick Said President Out And Get A More Likable One?
Most of you have experienced this in one way or another. Remember that A circle in High School? You know the one. The cheerleaders, the jocks, all together in one group that everyone liked. Why did we all like them? Fear. We were too afraid not to like them because that was our job as the non-A crowd. (As the B crowd, or C crowd, or the Q crowd if you were like me).
Q Obviously Stands For 'Queer.'
But there is something more terrifying than 16 year-old teenage football players and the power of the current Commander and Chief.
He's Talking About You, Death Note Fandom.
That's right, fangirls who are hopelessly obsessed with fictional characters and will do everything in the power of their limited funds and no lives to convince you that their character is amazing. That sort of enthusiasm is better used in support for our country.
"Our Country" Being Stephen Colbert Himself.
Supernatural fangirls are particularly terrifying. The idea that two brothers could get it on is enough to make some go crazy, while others would rather be the one who marries them. And I mean them, both at one time. But Polygamy is another subject. misslucyjane was reported posting...
"Because he knows all the words to "Eye of the Tiger."
Because his brother can kill you with his brain.
Because God commanded it.
Because he loves pie.
Because he'll be the best night of your life.
Because he'll tell you if you're awesome.
Because he reads.
Because of the perky nipples.
Because he calls his car "baby."
Because even angels can't resist him.
BECAUSE OF THE ASS DIMPLES!!!
VOTE DEAN!!!"
First of all, I don't ever remember hearing my Preacher or reading in the Bible that God commanded we love Dean Winchester. (Frankly, I like Sam better). Sure we should love our neighbors, but the guy next door is definitely not Dean Winchester. His name is Ralph, and I don't think he even has cable.
Stephen Kidnaps Him Every Weeknight At 11:30 PM So He Can't Miss The Colbert Report.
I don't know about you, but seeing enough arguments like that, I would vote for Dean just to get all his fangirls to be quiet. And that is a big part of Fear-ocracy: fear of the annoying.
He Actually voted Because Of This: http://i43.tinypic.com/2rniixv.jpg
If you've been Roleplaying for more than a day, then you know there are huge character wars, shipping wars, and general wars that have no reward other than the satisfaction that you still think you're right. There may never be a true resolution to any of this, but that won't stop the accusations from flying. Which brings me to the next part of Fear-ocracy...
Mud-slinging. Now, this is my favorite tactic. It's frank, it's blunt, it's a whole other bunch of thesaurus results for "blunt". Take missparker, for example.
"BARNEY DID NOT COME ALL THIS WAY JUST TO LOSE! YOU JERKS BETTER VOTE FOR HIM."
The use of Caps-Lock helps emphasize her point (I am assuming this is a "her" based on the username, or it is just a really, really gay guy), but it's the word "jerks" that sends it home. Jerk as in anyone who doesn't want to vote for Barney like she does. And that is the true merit of Fear-ocracy.
That Is Also Why The Staff Have To Replace "Jerks" With "Nation" Every Show.
"Hey, I'm not a jerk!" you may think, and then vote for Barney to prove your point. Then the Fear Tactics in Fear-ocracy have worked.
Or Vote For Whichever Person Has More Sexy Pictures.
And that's The Word.
★ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
One of the many threats facing this country today is that of UI - Unnatural Intelligence. And by that I mean robots. That's right, robots from the worst Sci-Fi series from the 1970s that you have ever seen. It's just sick and wrong for our toasters to be thinking about the eggo they're heating up for us. Thankfully, bellum_letale has solved that problem. They've turned unnatural intelligence to natural intelligence, by making robots into people. Their patented 7-step program can turn even the most disagreeable machine into an upstanding member of society...or at least the guy mowing his lawn in his underwear on Sunday. The point being it makes them normal and severely less creepy. We have got to take that preemptive strike: turn the robots into us before they turn us into them. So sign your household appliances up at bellum_letale, before you become the next thing to pop out toast.
★ TREND TRACKING IN THE UNTRENDY
Like any other part of popular culture, or the culture of the unpopular in this case, Roleplaying goes through trends like I do house keepers. Like housekeepers, I keep a list of what's hot and what's definitely not. And sometimes, what's hot is something I don't agree with Let's face it, folks, the only way you can guarantee the success of a new fad is if I endorse it. So here is what we're faced with these days.
✗ AXIS POWERS HETALIA HATE
This is definitely one of the hot-spots. Like a plague of political jokes that turn more into gay humor, this fandom is sweeping the internet and joining every Roleplay available. Mods and players alike complain of its presence being enough to make them hate a game, and honestly, I can't blame them. If Russia suddenly decided to show up in my Roleplay to spread its Communist Propoganda, I would be pretty peeved too. But if you are one of the America haters out there, you're not just hating America, you're hating America, and that is Un-American, my friend. So, I'm not telling you to stop the Hetalia hate. I'm telling you to re-direct it to the nations that deserve it.
✗ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR RP PARTNER
These days, a few smut logs and maybe a mention in passing Out of Character that you want to get your two characters together can lead to a long-lasting and monogamous relationship between two equally shunned members of society who sit amongst their Pokemon stuffed animals and dream of one other while falling asleep to Fall Out Boy. (Or so they would like you to believe.)
Roleplaying is not a dating service, and your characters should only be having sex if they are planning on having a fictional baby. Actions in game should have the same consequences as out of game. Blow up a building? The CIA will still come get you. Naruto and Sasuke have some late-night buttsex? Not only will they be sore in the morning, but they will be ostrisized by the overly heterosexual population. Balthier and Fran do the horizontal tango? Little baby with bunny ears. It's only fair that way, but I digress.
Just because your characters flirt via text does not mean you and your Roleplay partner are meant to be. Now, I would understand that after reading this Report you may feel a little hot under the collar for me; I am one man that is difficult to resist. But I am married and probably much too old for you. Fight the urges, folks, and go meet some people in real life. Maybe you can get them to join that new Multifandom AU RP after you two have gone on a date.
✗ DRESSING ROOMS
I covered these in Episode 7, but they're still a trend. The appeal of getting to play a character not only however you see fit, but without having to hash out an application is very appealing for anyone who doesn't want to put the effort into it. I agree, the idea of just picking up a character without jumping through hoops does sound nice, but like I said last week, it won't guarantee that you don't suck. Some dressing rooms are becoming more popular than actual Roleplaying Games. Is this the future of LiveJournal Roleplaying? Will we all just do it without any serious protocol...just for the heck of it?
I sure hope not.
✗ DOPPLEGANGER CHARACTERS
More and more Roleplays these days are offering alternate versions of characters that all ready exist in that Roleplay. This is especially popular in dressing rooms. What do you mean by Doppleganger, Stephen? Well, I'll tell you: I mean something like someone applying to be in this community, but changing my name to Stephanie and making me a woman. Or changing some pivotal event in my past to slightly alter my character. Not only is the thought of me being anything but myself terrifying, but it becomes a wonderful opportunity to make me Out of Character. And I do not like being Out of Character.
So is this okay? No. I have heard the argument that it enriches the Roleplay and makes for further character development and plot, blah, blah, blah. There should only be one person per person. Otherwise it just gets confusing, and awkward. Imagine accidentally dating the female (or male for you ladies) version of yourself.
I would like to point out, though, that not only would I be one hot little number as a lady, the other mes are exempt from this. The more me that goes around, the better.
Trends are unavoidable. Just be careful when choosing which ones to follow. The best way to assure your time is well-spent? Keep watching this. You can't go wrong with the Truth.
My guest tonight is still hiding out there somewhere in the series of tubes that we call the Internet. Maybe he's too busy making a LiveJournal Report Community that will post the exact same time I do every Friday. But I think he's just getting back from the fridge with a beer. Show yourself!
[ March Sad-Ass ]
Fandom March Madness 2009 swept LiveJournal with one of the most disappointing results since March was invented: I didn't win. But since it's more interesting than Basketball, I'll cover it anyway.
[ Trend Tracking in the Untrendy ]
Like the sag of pants and rubber-band bracelets, Roleplaying has it's own set of trends to. And who better to report them to you than a man in his 40s? I got this shit, homedawgs.
Tonight's guest is so surprisingly secret, I can't even tell you their username right now. But my strings will be ready.
It's not Jenny from da bock. It's Stephen from the suburban house with a very nicely kept front lawn. This is The Colbert Roleplay Report.
Welcome to the Report, everyone. Nation, I know last week was disappointing, but for those of you who were worried, I am fine. And Julio has some over the counter pain meds and a brand new wrist brace. So the Roleplay Report is back on track.
I was browsing this week's rp_anon_meme, and besides the overload of cute animal videos and unnecessary dramadramaduck namedropping (if there is namedropping to be had, it should be mine, again and again), nothing wanky enough happened worth reporting. But there were some questions and gossip about me that I feel I should address.
Theory 1: Stephen is a writer for "The Colbert Report". And you are absolutely right, my friend. Everything you hear there and read here comes straight from me. My thoughts, my ideas like a raging river from Oregon Trail. Don't bother paying to ferry across, folks, you will be swept away with my brilliance one way or another.
Theory 2: Stephen was on spring break last week. Unfortunately, wrong. It has been freezing up here and I would love to join today's hipsters somewhere on a Caribbean Beach. But not Mexico, don't want to give the more reason to hop the fence.
Theory 3: Stephen is amazing. You couldn't be more right.
Now that that's been cleared up, let's move on.
★ MARCH SAD-ASS
As some of you may have followed, the 2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness event has finally pulled through with its results, but I stopped paying attention after the preliminaries. It's not because I don't like watching celebrities and fictional characters hash it out by popular vote - that's Democracy, folks - it's because it lost any hope right off the bat.
Fake News
Amy Poehler (Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live): 301 (16.8%)
Jon Stewart (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart): 882 (49.2%)
Seth Meyers (Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live): 103 (5.7%)
Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report): 505 (28.2%)
Mr. Stewart, I believe you owe this country an apology. That's 377 votes you owe me and America!
That's right, I didn't even make it through the preliminaries. As you can tell, there was no reason for me to follow with this sort of injustice. This is just one more award that I have been denied. After "World's Best Grandma", I will not stand for this! Or sit, because this chair is all leather and very comfortable.
2009 Fandom Steel Cage Match March Madness BETA
Poll March Madness Beta
The results will be posted in next week's Report, and then we will move on to the Championship round.
But for the other version of the Fandom March Madness, even after defeating me in the preliminaries, Jon failed to carry on the flag. He made it all the way to the Elite 8 Round, but lost to Barney Stinson from "How I Met Your Mother". He lost to a guy named Bareny. At the very least he could have lost to Barney Rubble, that guy has a club. You can see the results here.
Frankly, I wanted to see Jon go off against House. Maybe next time.
So who won?
Dean Winchester from "Supernatural". While I don't approve of the classic pretty-boy favoritism that's been shown here, I do approve of the method that got him to the top. And that brings us to tonight's word...
FEAR-ORCACY
We Americans are used to this sort of tactic, a trademark of the Late Bush Administration. What better way is there to gain support than to scaring everyone into liking you?
Kick Said President Out And Get A More Likable One?
Most of you have experienced this in one way or another. Remember that A circle in High School? You know the one. The cheerleaders, the jocks, all together in one group that everyone liked. Why did we all like them? Fear. We were too afraid not to like them because that was our job as the non-A crowd. (As the B crowd, or C crowd, or the Q crowd if you were like me).
Q Obviously Stands For 'Queer.'
But there is something more terrifying than 16 year-old teenage football players and the power of the current Commander and Chief.
He's Talking About You, Death Note Fandom.
That's right, fangirls who are hopelessly obsessed with fictional characters and will do everything in the power of their limited funds and no lives to convince you that their character is amazing. That sort of enthusiasm is better used in support for our country.
"Our Country" Being Stephen Colbert Himself.
Supernatural fangirls are particularly terrifying. The idea that two brothers could get it on is enough to make some go crazy, while others would rather be the one who marries them. And I mean them, both at one time. But Polygamy is another subject. misslucyjane was reported posting...
"Because he knows all the words to "Eye of the Tiger."
Because his brother can kill you with his brain.
Because God commanded it.
Because he loves pie.
Because he'll be the best night of your life.
Because he'll tell you if you're awesome.
Because he reads.
Because of the perky nipples.
Because he calls his car "baby."
Because even angels can't resist him.
BECAUSE OF THE ASS DIMPLES!!!
VOTE DEAN!!!"
First of all, I don't ever remember hearing my Preacher or reading in the Bible that God commanded we love Dean Winchester. (Frankly, I like Sam better). Sure we should love our neighbors, but the guy next door is definitely not Dean Winchester. His name is Ralph, and I don't think he even has cable.
Stephen Kidnaps Him Every Weeknight At 11:30 PM So He Can't Miss The Colbert Report.
I don't know about you, but seeing enough arguments like that, I would vote for Dean just to get all his fangirls to be quiet. And that is a big part of Fear-ocracy: fear of the annoying.
He Actually voted Because Of This: http://i43.tinypic.com/2rniixv.jpg
If you've been Roleplaying for more than a day, then you know there are huge character wars, shipping wars, and general wars that have no reward other than the satisfaction that you still think you're right. There may never be a true resolution to any of this, but that won't stop the accusations from flying. Which brings me to the next part of Fear-ocracy...
Mud-slinging. Now, this is my favorite tactic. It's frank, it's blunt, it's a whole other bunch of thesaurus results for "blunt". Take missparker, for example.
"BARNEY DID NOT COME ALL THIS WAY JUST TO LOSE! YOU JERKS BETTER VOTE FOR HIM."
The use of Caps-Lock helps emphasize her point (I am assuming this is a "her" based on the username, or it is just a really, really gay guy), but it's the word "jerks" that sends it home. Jerk as in anyone who doesn't want to vote for Barney like she does. And that is the true merit of Fear-ocracy.
That Is Also Why The Staff Have To Replace "Jerks" With "Nation" Every Show.
"Hey, I'm not a jerk!" you may think, and then vote for Barney to prove your point. Then the Fear Tactics in Fear-ocracy have worked.
Or Vote For Whichever Person Has More Sexy Pictures.
And that's The Word.
★ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
One of the many threats facing this country today is that of UI - Unnatural Intelligence. And by that I mean robots. That's right, robots from the worst Sci-Fi series from the 1970s that you have ever seen. It's just sick and wrong for our toasters to be thinking about the eggo they're heating up for us. Thankfully, bellum_letale has solved that problem. They've turned unnatural intelligence to natural intelligence, by making robots into people. Their patented 7-step program can turn even the most disagreeable machine into an upstanding member of society...or at least the guy mowing his lawn in his underwear on Sunday. The point being it makes them normal and severely less creepy. We have got to take that preemptive strike: turn the robots into us before they turn us into them. So sign your household appliances up at bellum_letale, before you become the next thing to pop out toast.
★ TREND TRACKING IN THE UNTRENDY
Like any other part of popular culture, or the culture of the unpopular in this case, Roleplaying goes through trends like I do house keepers. Like housekeepers, I keep a list of what's hot and what's definitely not. And sometimes, what's hot is something I don't agree with Let's face it, folks, the only way you can guarantee the success of a new fad is if I endorse it. So here is what we're faced with these days.
✗ AXIS POWERS HETALIA HATE
This is definitely one of the hot-spots. Like a plague of political jokes that turn more into gay humor, this fandom is sweeping the internet and joining every Roleplay available. Mods and players alike complain of its presence being enough to make them hate a game, and honestly, I can't blame them. If Russia suddenly decided to show up in my Roleplay to spread its Communist Propoganda, I would be pretty peeved too. But if you are one of the America haters out there, you're not just hating America, you're hating America, and that is Un-American, my friend. So, I'm not telling you to stop the Hetalia hate. I'm telling you to re-direct it to the nations that deserve it.
✗ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR RP PARTNER
These days, a few smut logs and maybe a mention in passing Out of Character that you want to get your two characters together can lead to a long-lasting and monogamous relationship between two equally shunned members of society who sit amongst their Pokemon stuffed animals and dream of one other while falling asleep to Fall Out Boy. (Or so they would like you to believe.)
Roleplaying is not a dating service, and your characters should only be having sex if they are planning on having a fictional baby. Actions in game should have the same consequences as out of game. Blow up a building? The CIA will still come get you. Naruto and Sasuke have some late-night buttsex? Not only will they be sore in the morning, but they will be ostrisized by the overly heterosexual population. Balthier and Fran do the horizontal tango? Little baby with bunny ears. It's only fair that way, but I digress.
Just because your characters flirt via text does not mean you and your Roleplay partner are meant to be. Now, I would understand that after reading this Report you may feel a little hot under the collar for me; I am one man that is difficult to resist. But I am married and probably much too old for you. Fight the urges, folks, and go meet some people in real life. Maybe you can get them to join that new Multifandom AU RP after you two have gone on a date.
✗ DRESSING ROOMS
I covered these in Episode 7, but they're still a trend. The appeal of getting to play a character not only however you see fit, but without having to hash out an application is very appealing for anyone who doesn't want to put the effort into it. I agree, the idea of just picking up a character without jumping through hoops does sound nice, but like I said last week, it won't guarantee that you don't suck. Some dressing rooms are becoming more popular than actual Roleplaying Games. Is this the future of LiveJournal Roleplaying? Will we all just do it without any serious protocol...just for the heck of it?
I sure hope not.
✗ DOPPLEGANGER CHARACTERS
More and more Roleplays these days are offering alternate versions of characters that all ready exist in that Roleplay. This is especially popular in dressing rooms. What do you mean by Doppleganger, Stephen? Well, I'll tell you: I mean something like someone applying to be in this community, but changing my name to Stephanie and making me a woman. Or changing some pivotal event in my past to slightly alter my character. Not only is the thought of me being anything but myself terrifying, but it becomes a wonderful opportunity to make me Out of Character. And I do not like being Out of Character.
So is this okay? No. I have heard the argument that it enriches the Roleplay and makes for further character development and plot, blah, blah, blah. There should only be one person per person. Otherwise it just gets confusing, and awkward. Imagine accidentally dating the female (or male for you ladies) version of yourself.
I would like to point out, though, that not only would I be one hot little number as a lady, the other mes are exempt from this. The more me that goes around, the better.
Trends are unavoidable. Just be careful when choosing which ones to follow. The best way to assure your time is well-spent? Keep watching this. You can't go wrong with the Truth.
My guest tonight is still hiding out there somewhere in the series of tubes that we call the Internet. Maybe he's too busy making a LiveJournal Report Community that will post the exact same time I do every Friday. But I think he's just getting back from the fridge with a beer. Show yourself!