(no subject)
So I'm not sure what's going on in my head still. It's so hard to get shit straight when I have people telling me oppostite things in each ear. When I'm with Cassie, all the bad qualities about Monica seem to come out and when I'm with Mo, all the bad things about Cass come out. I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of something I used to love. Man the phone calls we used to have. Every single day without fail we would be on 3 way at 3PM for at least 2 hours. We'd all try to talk at the same time and talk about guys and how fucked school was and when we were going to get drunk next. Everytime we hung out... we hung out as a team. It was us three or nothin. Me and Mo would try and make Cass girly and she'd hate every second of it. We'd get drunk and walk places... wrestle.. stick up for each other.. laugh.. idk. Now it's like we all have jobs, me and Cassie have boyfriends, schoolwork... it's like all of that shit keeps getting in the way. We just get to the point to where we say "I really dont give a fuck" and thats the worst possible thing we could say. Not caring ends up as not talking, not hanging out, not being around each other. It seriously sucks to see our "team" crumble before my eyes. It's like we couldn't hold out one more year. One more flippin year, you know? Now all I hear is bitching and whatd she say about me and oh well I don't care anymore or I was so mad.... and I just want to scream sometimes. I can't remember the last time we hung out without any boys... and jsut had fun... without fighting. Sad? I'm not sure what to make of it yet. I just wish we didn't fight so much.
I feel like I want to get away. I'm not incredibly stressed or whatever. I just want to get out. I want to move on. I want out of this. I realize that I will never have friends like Cassie and Monica ever again. I will tell my kids stories about when we hung out... just because they were such a big part of my life. I wish I could make my mind up about Kurt. I love him. I swear I do. I just have so much going on and so much to think about.. that I'm just neglecting everything else in my life. I would love to just have at least a week where I didn't have to devote an hour of my time on the phone... or didnt have to devote my only day off for a boy. I wish I could see my family more often. I wish I could just be happier with my life. I'm not making the best of what I have and I really just want to try. I'm so afraid that once I lose him, I'm going to regret it. That is my second fear. My first fear is how bad he is going to take it. When I tried to take a small break just to breathe Kurt broke down and asked me "Did you even ever love me in the first place?" I was so mad I could have screamed. Like I fake everything I say just to hurt him. Of course I love him... I just can't do all this shit now. I don't want a different guy. I want my friends. I want my family. I want to be happy.... and you know... if having a boyfriend means I'm not happy.... then I have to give it a chance. I can't let myself be unhappy for a boy. I can't and I won't. I have so much shit I'm going to be thinking about. Just let me breathe!
This may sound silly but one of the first thoughts in my head as I turned 18 was... I can't wait to vote. I just can't wait to make a difference in this world. I want to help people. This place is so fucked up... I just want to make it a little better.
I feel like I want to get away. I'm not incredibly stressed or whatever. I just want to get out. I want to move on. I want out of this. I realize that I will never have friends like Cassie and Monica ever again. I will tell my kids stories about when we hung out... just because they were such a big part of my life. I wish I could make my mind up about Kurt. I love him. I swear I do. I just have so much going on and so much to think about.. that I'm just neglecting everything else in my life. I would love to just have at least a week where I didn't have to devote an hour of my time on the phone... or didnt have to devote my only day off for a boy. I wish I could see my family more often. I wish I could just be happier with my life. I'm not making the best of what I have and I really just want to try. I'm so afraid that once I lose him, I'm going to regret it. That is my second fear. My first fear is how bad he is going to take it. When I tried to take a small break just to breathe Kurt broke down and asked me "Did you even ever love me in the first place?" I was so mad I could have screamed. Like I fake everything I say just to hurt him. Of course I love him... I just can't do all this shit now. I don't want a different guy. I want my friends. I want my family. I want to be happy.... and you know... if having a boyfriend means I'm not happy.... then I have to give it a chance. I can't let myself be unhappy for a boy. I can't and I won't. I have so much shit I'm going to be thinking about. Just let me breathe!
This may sound silly but one of the first thoughts in my head as I turned 18 was... I can't wait to vote. I just can't wait to make a difference in this world. I want to help people. This place is so fucked up... I just want to make it a little better.