oh dick
I don't have anyone to talk to about anything that floats around inside my head. I don't really have any friends, let alone friends that want to listen to me or friends that I trust. So, I'll let loose upon my livejournal. You've never judged me, eljay.
I've got myself a job. I've quit using drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, soda, etc. Today is six weeks clean of bullshit. I'm also going to school. Just taking one class, but whatever. I have a 3.5 gpa. Things are moving in the right direction.
Oddly enough, I'm back to being depressed as all hell. I can feel myself growing more and more anxious and feel as though I'm going to wind up back in the nut house. I was hallucinating really badly yesterday. Quite honestly, the worst hallucinations I've ever had. I should probably start my medicine again, but then that means I wouldn't be able to work. I can feel myself being slowly alienated by any friends that I thought I had. Most would agree that I'm beyond too bizarre for them and they don't need the stress.
My social problems are beginning to cripple me again. I'm starting to feel that "trust no one" vibe that I used to get when things were really bad. I'm assuming a lot of this has to do with stress. I had a conversation with a perfect stranger yesterday about how I could blindly walk in front of a bus to save a stranger's life, but I how at the same time, I don't want to know anyone. For some reason, I just can't handle having any sort of bond with anyone. I feel like I am always being lied to. I feel like everyone is taking advantage of me or manipulating me. I'll save your life, but please, don't try to know me.
Ashley's indiscretions have taken quite a toll on my mental well being. Then her decision that it was imperative that she never talk to me again was the icing on the cake.
I miss Samantha like crazy. I always have and I know I always will. She added me randomly on Facebook and it was pretty damn satisfying. Even if she doesn't talk to me, I know she was at least thinking about me for half of a moment. I'll carry the consequences of my dumbass actions and mental problems to the grave with me.
Another problem I've been having lately is the fucking thought blocking. It's like my brain has so much bullshit running in it, that it freezes like an old computer.
Lately I've been getting these headaches. They happen on the left side of my head and they're so sharp and stabbing that I wince with pain. They last for just a few seconds and come on at any time. I don't know what to do about them.
I'm not sure how to wrap this up. I guess I could never be an author. I'm unhappy and untrusting. I have a lot of good shit going on, but I don't know what to do next. I miss Samantha. I miss being normal. I don't have a single soul to confide in.
It really pisses me off how melodramatic this all sounds.
I just wish my mind worked like everyone else. Ignorance would be bliss.
I've got myself a job. I've quit using drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, soda, etc. Today is six weeks clean of bullshit. I'm also going to school. Just taking one class, but whatever. I have a 3.5 gpa. Things are moving in the right direction.
Oddly enough, I'm back to being depressed as all hell. I can feel myself growing more and more anxious and feel as though I'm going to wind up back in the nut house. I was hallucinating really badly yesterday. Quite honestly, the worst hallucinations I've ever had. I should probably start my medicine again, but then that means I wouldn't be able to work. I can feel myself being slowly alienated by any friends that I thought I had. Most would agree that I'm beyond too bizarre for them and they don't need the stress.
My social problems are beginning to cripple me again. I'm starting to feel that "trust no one" vibe that I used to get when things were really bad. I'm assuming a lot of this has to do with stress. I had a conversation with a perfect stranger yesterday about how I could blindly walk in front of a bus to save a stranger's life, but I how at the same time, I don't want to know anyone. For some reason, I just can't handle having any sort of bond with anyone. I feel like I am always being lied to. I feel like everyone is taking advantage of me or manipulating me. I'll save your life, but please, don't try to know me.
Ashley's indiscretions have taken quite a toll on my mental well being. Then her decision that it was imperative that she never talk to me again was the icing on the cake.
I miss Samantha like crazy. I always have and I know I always will. She added me randomly on Facebook and it was pretty damn satisfying. Even if she doesn't talk to me, I know she was at least thinking about me for half of a moment. I'll carry the consequences of my dumbass actions and mental problems to the grave with me.
Another problem I've been having lately is the fucking thought blocking. It's like my brain has so much bullshit running in it, that it freezes like an old computer.
Lately I've been getting these headaches. They happen on the left side of my head and they're so sharp and stabbing that I wince with pain. They last for just a few seconds and come on at any time. I don't know what to do about them.
I'm not sure how to wrap this up. I guess I could never be an author. I'm unhappy and untrusting. I have a lot of good shit going on, but I don't know what to do next. I miss Samantha. I miss being normal. I don't have a single soul to confide in.
It really pisses me off how melodramatic this all sounds.
I just wish my mind worked like everyone else. Ignorance would be bliss.