Did I Ask for This?
I just have to wonder what is going on right now. I feel…. spent. I’m tired of trying. I’ve been thinking of god a little lately. Not much. Just a little. I’ve been wondering why I have such a hard time believing in anything. I wonder if, when I get older, I’ll find myself believing - and then regretting my actions from before I believed. I wonder if I would pray if I knew I were about to die. I’m angry right now. I got mad at my ex, and even as it happened, I knew I wasn’t being fair. But I felt… snowballed? Before I even had a chance to realize the stance I had taken, it was moving on its own. I wasn’t nice. I kinda feel bad, but on the other hand, why did she have to be such a bitch? Why couldn’t she fucking shut up and drop it? Why does she have to fucking push me? GOD DAMN IT. Why does she get under my skin. WHY GOD DAMNIT? I’m so… tired. done. spent. I don’t wanna play these games anymore. Life has not been pleasant. Sometimes I want out, and unlike many people I read… I can’t even accept that as an option. There are too many people I love - too many I couldn’t imagine bringing that kind of pain to. I want someone else’s life. A better one. I want to be able to wake up in the mornings - and not wrap myself in the blankets and hit snooze 10 times because, honestly, what’s the point in getting up? It’s just another fucking day. I want to look forward to something. I want something to look forward TO. I just want something to be happy about. Instead, I can only find reasons to cry. No way out. Just gotta wait my turn. That’s a bitch.