Think it's time that you came out and played.
Lots of worrying, lots of thinking.
Currently Dan is the number 1 cause of any grey hairs I might be getting. They're doing his biopsy today, and thats just scary. I'm just hoping and doing my own sort of praying that everything will be okay with that. It just fucking sucks that he's gotta go through all these tests. In the long run I know it's actually a good thing because they are trying to find out what the hell is wrong with him, and for that i'm greatful. It's frusterating for him, his family, his friends, and the doctors, but the sooner they find out what the problem is, the sooner they can go about treating it. I'm glad to see he's being pretty cooperative to them and letting them do what they need to do. He's strong and stubborn, and I know whatever it is thats wrong with him isn't gonna get to him, and he'll pull out of this and pretty soon he'll just be able to look back on it and chalk it up to a big fat "yeah, that fucking sucked".
My dad is getting weirder and weirder as the days go by. Today he thought I was on vacation from work, when he saw me at work yesterday. The other night I was talking with him in his room, and he was playing with the cat, and then he looks at me and asks "where's the dog?". We don't have a dog. I don't know where he got that idea from. His physical health doesn't seem to be getting any better, but it's not getting any worse, so I guess that much is good. It's just a big bunch of suck cos it's like I'm just sitting on the side lines watching him dissapear. I'm gonna try to see if I can get him to start playing games with me again, it'll help him use his brain. We used to play checkers all the time, so maybe tomorrow when I don't have anything to do around the house i'll see if he wants to play with me.
My mother is just...well, I feel nothing there. It just feels like there is no connection with that woman what so ever. All she seems to do is yell at me and demand money from me. I barely have the money to even pay my bills right now, let alone xmas shopping money or even cigarette and gas money. She thinks i'm just not giving her money cos I don't feel like it. I've showed her my checks, and she fucking looks at all my bills anyhow. She can clearly see that I simply don't have any money, and I don't have a way to get it any time soon. Work fucking sucks and they aren't giving me enough hours. I got a raise which was good and all, but ever since then my paychecks have just been smaller than they were before. If my mother were to drop dead right now, I would only see it as a good thing for me. I just feel no emotion towards her at all anymore. Everything she says I don't care about. It sounds cruel and not right to feel this way about your mother, but I do, and it's all I know, so it really isn't all that bad I suppose.
Christmas. Fuck Christmas. I hate it, I really really do. Nobody has any money for anything. Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of Christ's birth, and if thats all it was, then it would be fine. I don't beleive in Jesus Christ, so celebrating his birth wouldn't effect me at all, so it would be just like any other day, except stores and banks would be closed. It's a lot more than that though. It's all about buying shit for people. Getting in the xmas spirit means going out and spending money. Why? I don't want to be in the xmas spirit, and I don't want all the malls and huge businesses telling me to do so. So fuck christmas, fuck christmas up its stupid asses. I'm planning on spending christmas eve with dave at his house, getting fucked up and just having a good time. Thats what xmas should be. Just people that actually like each other getting together and having a good time. I only wish Dan could be there, that was our plan. It's okay though, because I'll be sure to see him and i have a feeling we'll end up having a little gift thing party sort of deal with him.
Jim. Yeah, jim. I'm just unsure about how I feel with him. I know we hurt each other, and it seems everytime we try to work things out we just end up hurting each other even more. I'm afraid of getting hurt or hurting him anymore than whats been done, but I still want to try to keep him as a friend. I don't know if he feels the same way, but there was a lot there that I don't want to give up on yet. I'm not sure if now is the time for it or not, but I'm not going to say anything to him until I think it is. If he wants to contact me, then I'll talk to him, but I'm not making the first move until things are more stable around here.
No I won't, let you down
Hate to say you're surrounded by clowns
looks to me, they've had their day
Think its time that you came out and played
what you say?
its time that you came out and played
won't you say its time that you came out and played
Lets get out of our minds
Won't waste your time
Give it a try
Won't waste your time
Just thought it'd be fun to end on that:)
Currently Dan is the number 1 cause of any grey hairs I might be getting. They're doing his biopsy today, and thats just scary. I'm just hoping and doing my own sort of praying that everything will be okay with that. It just fucking sucks that he's gotta go through all these tests. In the long run I know it's actually a good thing because they are trying to find out what the hell is wrong with him, and for that i'm greatful. It's frusterating for him, his family, his friends, and the doctors, but the sooner they find out what the problem is, the sooner they can go about treating it. I'm glad to see he's being pretty cooperative to them and letting them do what they need to do. He's strong and stubborn, and I know whatever it is thats wrong with him isn't gonna get to him, and he'll pull out of this and pretty soon he'll just be able to look back on it and chalk it up to a big fat "yeah, that fucking sucked".
My dad is getting weirder and weirder as the days go by. Today he thought I was on vacation from work, when he saw me at work yesterday. The other night I was talking with him in his room, and he was playing with the cat, and then he looks at me and asks "where's the dog?". We don't have a dog. I don't know where he got that idea from. His physical health doesn't seem to be getting any better, but it's not getting any worse, so I guess that much is good. It's just a big bunch of suck cos it's like I'm just sitting on the side lines watching him dissapear. I'm gonna try to see if I can get him to start playing games with me again, it'll help him use his brain. We used to play checkers all the time, so maybe tomorrow when I don't have anything to do around the house i'll see if he wants to play with me.
My mother is just...well, I feel nothing there. It just feels like there is no connection with that woman what so ever. All she seems to do is yell at me and demand money from me. I barely have the money to even pay my bills right now, let alone xmas shopping money or even cigarette and gas money. She thinks i'm just not giving her money cos I don't feel like it. I've showed her my checks, and she fucking looks at all my bills anyhow. She can clearly see that I simply don't have any money, and I don't have a way to get it any time soon. Work fucking sucks and they aren't giving me enough hours. I got a raise which was good and all, but ever since then my paychecks have just been smaller than they were before. If my mother were to drop dead right now, I would only see it as a good thing for me. I just feel no emotion towards her at all anymore. Everything she says I don't care about. It sounds cruel and not right to feel this way about your mother, but I do, and it's all I know, so it really isn't all that bad I suppose.
Christmas. Fuck Christmas. I hate it, I really really do. Nobody has any money for anything. Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of Christ's birth, and if thats all it was, then it would be fine. I don't beleive in Jesus Christ, so celebrating his birth wouldn't effect me at all, so it would be just like any other day, except stores and banks would be closed. It's a lot more than that though. It's all about buying shit for people. Getting in the xmas spirit means going out and spending money. Why? I don't want to be in the xmas spirit, and I don't want all the malls and huge businesses telling me to do so. So fuck christmas, fuck christmas up its stupid asses. I'm planning on spending christmas eve with dave at his house, getting fucked up and just having a good time. Thats what xmas should be. Just people that actually like each other getting together and having a good time. I only wish Dan could be there, that was our plan. It's okay though, because I'll be sure to see him and i have a feeling we'll end up having a little gift thing party sort of deal with him.
Jim. Yeah, jim. I'm just unsure about how I feel with him. I know we hurt each other, and it seems everytime we try to work things out we just end up hurting each other even more. I'm afraid of getting hurt or hurting him anymore than whats been done, but I still want to try to keep him as a friend. I don't know if he feels the same way, but there was a lot there that I don't want to give up on yet. I'm not sure if now is the time for it or not, but I'm not going to say anything to him until I think it is. If he wants to contact me, then I'll talk to him, but I'm not making the first move until things are more stable around here.
No I won't, let you down
Hate to say you're surrounded by clowns
looks to me, they've had their day
Think its time that you came out and played
what you say?
its time that you came out and played
won't you say its time that you came out and played
Lets get out of our minds
Won't waste your time
Give it a try
Won't waste your time
Just thought it'd be fun to end on that:)