Julie prompted this
I think one of my biggest mistakes was that I wanted so much control over my life--over myself--that I made up rules so that when I followed them I could feel proud of myself. It was like a religion. Moral standards. I will not drink. I will not have sex. I will not kiss friends. It wasn't to be better than everyone else, it was to be the best Me I
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I know its a few days later, but thank you.
I just don't know how to handle all the conflicting thoughts and views inside me. How do i even decide how to live my life? I abhor trial and error. I want to be in the best possible position i can, i consider my humanity a weakness pretty much. I pretty much hate myh desires because my fleeting ones feel so strong and then i realize they prevent me from getting what i really want.
I'm really really hurting and I don't want to pass it on. I want it to stop here. I hated all that bs where people made fun of freshman in HS and validated it because it had been done to them. I don't think I can see clearly because i am in an immense amount of pain.
I haven't been writing in my LJ because i am afraid of my lack of control over obsessing and dwelling -- I don't trust myself, especially in a state like this. I keep being unhealthy and people either support that or ignore me and don't tell me what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe I don't listen. I dont know.
This guy I've been penpalling said I'm a chicken, and i am. I've always been deathly afraid of taking risks in my life, and now that I've gotten hurt, I'm even more afraid. I have to be forced to do things I fear -- but no one wants that job. I don't know if i can handle it.
Anyways, sorry for venting in your journal. I love you kiko. Youre beautiful.
And as far as hooking up, I go back and forth all the time. I won't know till im in the situation. But i do know for sure now that i am waiting till marraige until i have sex again.
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