My life at the moment part 2
My life at the moment
So where was I:
(warning this second part will get a bit honest and open)
So now I want to talk about what is actually still good in my life and how it can all help towards getting me out of this and functioning properly again.
Jemz. Jemz is my girlfriend. And despite her protests and gushing, I still have no idea why, especially now. I met her back when I was at Uni. We very briefly said hello at the Hub 2 (torchwood convention) back in late march of 2009. A month later I was single (not a bad relationship just a not suited one) and we agreed to meet up and share a hotel at another convention. That weekend (April 18th) became our first date and instantly I feel for her. Our first kiss, first intimate encounter and first night together. I was so happy. After that we met up in the same way at other cons and events. She visited me at home for a few days that summer while I had the place to myself. All this time we still weren’t that serious and weren’t ‘officially’ going out. In January of 2010 that changed and we were a proper couple. All this time things just got better and better for us, even if the rest of my life was falling apart. After awhile and a few more events we slept together and became as serious as you can get outside of being married really. One of the very few times I feel anywhere near ok with myself, life and everything is with her. Both normally and sexually. I honestly believe we are perfect for each other. She was in Reading at Uni for a few month recently and that was great, one bus ride away and we saw each other every week. But like me she hated Uni and unlike me she got out fast before it ruined her. So now she is mile away up north again. Happier, but far away. I am in complete and total love with this amazing woman and I cant even get a day to see her at the moment. It seems the simplest of requests at the moment, wanting a day to just relax and snuggle with her, is out of the question.
Gushing aside, she is the rock the centre of my otherwise swirly mess off a life. The only thing (apart from my friends, getting there) that keeps me from just running off and starting new somewhere or ending it. Without her I wouldn’t be here today typing this long-ass blog post.
My friends. I love you all. I met most of who I now consider my friends also though conventions. The Orgy Crew (long story) are my closest and most beloved friends. But, they are all over the country (Cardiff, Newcastle, Portsmouth, etc). This means I don’t seem them as much as I’d like and, as with Jemz, there’s only so much help a chat online can give. I miss being able to just hug and hang out with everyone. They all have their own lives and problems and stuff to do so its hard.
Now to the last thing that gives me any sort of happy feeling at the moment. Events and conventions. These few and far between long weekends spent with fellow geeks in places around the country are amazing. When I’m there I forget EVERYTHING else. I have no job, I have no failed education or money issues. All there is is that event, the ‘family’ I have there and the fun we all have doing what we love. And I do love it. I could honestly bounce from convention to convention all year, day after day, and not get bored or fed up with it. Every time is different and exciting and full of energy. And that goes for me at a convention too. If you met me now, and then came to an event and saw me you’d think we were two different people. I am so alive and happy at events. My girlfriend is there, my friends are all around me (and I have met a lot of people at these things, you get to know everyone in some way) and I am surrounded by the fandoms and geekery that make my life what it is. At least the good parts of my life anyway. I get to dress up in various costumes and be 100 times more confident than I am in everyday life. There seems to be nothing I cant do.
Which is why leaving and coming back to a job or my regular life is such a huge depressive bump each time. I leave my girlfriend, my friends and everything I enjoy about life behind for weeks and months. 2/3/4 days of awesome out of 30/40/50 days of just slogging through and hating everything about my life. I cant live like that. I know so many people around the world do, but you know what, I cant handle it. They can it seems, but I and others like me can not. It could literally be the death of me.
Now to work and what I’m going to start doing with all this and my life in general.
Work, at first, was great. I don’t work with customers (I hate the general public and their stupid problems) so our little team out the back working through delivery and stuff was great. But now I feel its just tedious and the exact same thing over and over everyday. I no longer know what day it is or the date during a work week. Its just a work day or not a work day, not Monday or Tuesday or whatever. Twice recently I’ve had to check the calendar to even be sure what fucking month this still was. Everything at work just bleeds together and makes it seem like a boring haze of walking there, working, walking home. Rinse and repeat. I need to get out and find something new.
But then I have no money to do the things that actually make me happy. But being at work makes me not want to do those things, not enjoy them, or not have the time/energy. Catch 22 doesn’t even cover it.
So at this moment I have absolutely no idea what I should do, what I can do or what I want to do. Literally nothing comes to mind. I don’t want to go back to education in any way as that is where all this started. Work, in general, is really not for me. I need constant change and ‘oh this is new’ feelings to be able to do anything work-wise. Trouble is I have neither the experience or qualifications needed to do anything like that. I am only good for retail or whatever it seems. But that’ll kill me.
Sometimes I even think about splitting up with Jemz. Not for me but for her. She doesn’t need any of this from me. She has similar work/education issues to deal with at the moment without me piling all this onto her. She is adamant that she never wants to leave me and that she loves me but seriously, who needs this amount of trouble in their life that isn’t even from themselves. She could do so much better than me and yet she stays.
So that’s where I am. Lost in a sea of mess and depression and trouble with no clear directions or solutions. I should be starting counselling soon, so hopefully that will start to centre me and help me find a way to go in life that isn’t to an institution or 6 feet under. I would say anything other than those is preferable but as you’ve read, a lot of avenues I’ve tried have been horrible for me personally.
So now you and I both know, and as a cartoon show I never saw said, knowing is half the battle.
So where was I:
(warning this second part will get a bit honest and open)
So now I want to talk about what is actually still good in my life and how it can all help towards getting me out of this and functioning properly again.
Jemz. Jemz is my girlfriend. And despite her protests and gushing, I still have no idea why, especially now. I met her back when I was at Uni. We very briefly said hello at the Hub 2 (torchwood convention) back in late march of 2009. A month later I was single (not a bad relationship just a not suited one) and we agreed to meet up and share a hotel at another convention. That weekend (April 18th) became our first date and instantly I feel for her. Our first kiss, first intimate encounter and first night together. I was so happy. After that we met up in the same way at other cons and events. She visited me at home for a few days that summer while I had the place to myself. All this time we still weren’t that serious and weren’t ‘officially’ going out. In January of 2010 that changed and we were a proper couple. All this time things just got better and better for us, even if the rest of my life was falling apart. After awhile and a few more events we slept together and became as serious as you can get outside of being married really. One of the very few times I feel anywhere near ok with myself, life and everything is with her. Both normally and sexually. I honestly believe we are perfect for each other. She was in Reading at Uni for a few month recently and that was great, one bus ride away and we saw each other every week. But like me she hated Uni and unlike me she got out fast before it ruined her. So now she is mile away up north again. Happier, but far away. I am in complete and total love with this amazing woman and I cant even get a day to see her at the moment. It seems the simplest of requests at the moment, wanting a day to just relax and snuggle with her, is out of the question.
Gushing aside, she is the rock the centre of my otherwise swirly mess off a life. The only thing (apart from my friends, getting there) that keeps me from just running off and starting new somewhere or ending it. Without her I wouldn’t be here today typing this long-ass blog post.
My friends. I love you all. I met most of who I now consider my friends also though conventions. The Orgy Crew (long story) are my closest and most beloved friends. But, they are all over the country (Cardiff, Newcastle, Portsmouth, etc). This means I don’t seem them as much as I’d like and, as with Jemz, there’s only so much help a chat online can give. I miss being able to just hug and hang out with everyone. They all have their own lives and problems and stuff to do so its hard.
Now to the last thing that gives me any sort of happy feeling at the moment. Events and conventions. These few and far between long weekends spent with fellow geeks in places around the country are amazing. When I’m there I forget EVERYTHING else. I have no job, I have no failed education or money issues. All there is is that event, the ‘family’ I have there and the fun we all have doing what we love. And I do love it. I could honestly bounce from convention to convention all year, day after day, and not get bored or fed up with it. Every time is different and exciting and full of energy. And that goes for me at a convention too. If you met me now, and then came to an event and saw me you’d think we were two different people. I am so alive and happy at events. My girlfriend is there, my friends are all around me (and I have met a lot of people at these things, you get to know everyone in some way) and I am surrounded by the fandoms and geekery that make my life what it is. At least the good parts of my life anyway. I get to dress up in various costumes and be 100 times more confident than I am in everyday life. There seems to be nothing I cant do.
Which is why leaving and coming back to a job or my regular life is such a huge depressive bump each time. I leave my girlfriend, my friends and everything I enjoy about life behind for weeks and months. 2/3/4 days of awesome out of 30/40/50 days of just slogging through and hating everything about my life. I cant live like that. I know so many people around the world do, but you know what, I cant handle it. They can it seems, but I and others like me can not. It could literally be the death of me.
Now to work and what I’m going to start doing with all this and my life in general.
Work, at first, was great. I don’t work with customers (I hate the general public and their stupid problems) so our little team out the back working through delivery and stuff was great. But now I feel its just tedious and the exact same thing over and over everyday. I no longer know what day it is or the date during a work week. Its just a work day or not a work day, not Monday or Tuesday or whatever. Twice recently I’ve had to check the calendar to even be sure what fucking month this still was. Everything at work just bleeds together and makes it seem like a boring haze of walking there, working, walking home. Rinse and repeat. I need to get out and find something new.
But then I have no money to do the things that actually make me happy. But being at work makes me not want to do those things, not enjoy them, or not have the time/energy. Catch 22 doesn’t even cover it.
So at this moment I have absolutely no idea what I should do, what I can do or what I want to do. Literally nothing comes to mind. I don’t want to go back to education in any way as that is where all this started. Work, in general, is really not for me. I need constant change and ‘oh this is new’ feelings to be able to do anything work-wise. Trouble is I have neither the experience or qualifications needed to do anything like that. I am only good for retail or whatever it seems. But that’ll kill me.
Sometimes I even think about splitting up with Jemz. Not for me but for her. She doesn’t need any of this from me. She has similar work/education issues to deal with at the moment without me piling all this onto her. She is adamant that she never wants to leave me and that she loves me but seriously, who needs this amount of trouble in their life that isn’t even from themselves. She could do so much better than me and yet she stays.
So that’s where I am. Lost in a sea of mess and depression and trouble with no clear directions or solutions. I should be starting counselling soon, so hopefully that will start to centre me and help me find a way to go in life that isn’t to an institution or 6 feet under. I would say anything other than those is preferable but as you’ve read, a lot of avenues I’ve tried have been horrible for me personally.
So now you and I both know, and as a cartoon show I never saw said, knowing is half the battle.