My life at the moment part 1
My life at the moment
So I thought I’d update everyone on what exactly is going on with me at the moment, both so you all know and so I can get it all down somewhere. Hopefully this will help me and I can keep it going so I know where I am every week.
So to give some history:
I was totally fine and ok with life up to GCSEs. I did pretty well, I had a big group of friends and we had lots of choices and opportunities. A bunch of us decided to stay on at school for their new 6th form that was opening to do our A levels.
This is where everything starts falling apart.
First year seemed ok, but I started to feel tired a lot both at school and afterwards. First year results came around and I failed it all. Literally. So, I had to redo the first year. This set me a year behind my friends and had me at that school for a whole year longer than intended. End of the ‘second’ year all my friends passed and went off to university. I on the other hand had my ‘proper’ second year left. This year things got even worse in terms of tiredness, ability to concentrate enough on work to get anything done decently. I just wanted out, wanted to do something other than education. I failed 2 of my 3 A levels. The other I got an E in, lowest pass you can get.
But, London South bank university accepted me anyway. ‘Hooray!’ I thought. The amazing thing everyone said I should do and would love was finally here. I was going to university.
But that too, was total balls.
I left my part-time job at Games Workshop (model soldiers, a hobby of mine) that I’d had for over a year because a) I had grown tired of that too, b) the manager at the time was crappy and c) I was off to Uni in a month. This should have been a big sign post for depression, as having a job that is also your hobby is most people’s dream. Getting paid to do what I loved and I STILL got fed up and wanted out.
So I move in to Uni. For a week. That was one of the worst weeks of my life living in halls. My flat was half empty, and two of the people there didn’t even talk to any of us. The two people who did talk to me (Tom and someone I’ve totally forgotten, that’s how much I considered them friends) always just wanted to go out drinking all the time. I’m really not that person and got quickly fed up of them knocking on my door all the time trying to peer pressure me out of my room. I moved in on a Sunday and was out again on the following Sunday. During that week only one of the nights was fine. The rest I cried myself to sleep trying to block out the sounds of everyone partying around halls, in our flat or outside my window (we were on the bottom floor facing the courtyard). The only thing that kept me from having a total breakdown that week was the internet. I could go on and chat to people I actually knew and cared about.
Now I stayed on at the Uni as the course was, at that time, still something I wanted to do. Film studies seems to most people like one of the most fun you could do at Uni. It isn’t. Even as a film fan it is boring and dull and full of history that you just don’t give a shit about. Again, big alarm bells should of rung here. A film fan of the geeky magnitude of myself and I was starting to hate film in general during the course.
So after two years of not really wanting to be there, but the money being nice, I got out. That was last summer. I bummed around for a bit on what loan I had left and finally got a job in the new Matalan that opened here in November. That’s where I am now.
But, as with everything above, I am now hating it and wanting to leave. It seems I cannot do anything, no matter how enjoyable I find it at first, for more than a few months before I hate it and want to get out.
And in general now, I have nothing in my life that I want to do/care about enough to carry on with. Save for my wonderful girlfriend Jemz. She is one of very very few bright spots in my current mess of a life.
And even then, she is now back in Doncaster and miles away from me. So she isn’t here to comfort or help at all. There’s only so much good a hugging emoticon on MSN can do. I have friends, but they are scattered all over the country and again, miles away and unable to help. You are all amazing and I love you, but you all live so damn far!
And yesterday I went to the Doctor’s finally. He gave me a questionnaire to ascertain where I am and how depressed I actually am. Came out on the borderline of mildly severe and severe depression. Which when he said it hit me hard. I knew I was bad but until a professional tells you, you have no idea really. Where I am is that I find it hard to focus on and do anything, even things I usually enjoy. I’ve had major feelings that I’ve failed at everything, and failed both myself and everyone I know. And yes, I have thought about hurting myself in a few ways. Crossing the road at the wrong times or maybe just jumping off things. Even if I didn’t die, just being injured enough might be ok. Hospital for a few weeks or whatever and bed-bound for a month or something. Seems much more agreeable to me than anything else I have to do/deal with in my life at the moment.
But, I know that is totally not the way to go. I wouldn’t want to do that to my mum or Jemz no matter how bad I feel. But then guilt is also a major factor of depression too. So its very conflicting.
This is getting long so I’ll end it here and do a part 2…
So I thought I’d update everyone on what exactly is going on with me at the moment, both so you all know and so I can get it all down somewhere. Hopefully this will help me and I can keep it going so I know where I am every week.
So to give some history:
I was totally fine and ok with life up to GCSEs. I did pretty well, I had a big group of friends and we had lots of choices and opportunities. A bunch of us decided to stay on at school for their new 6th form that was opening to do our A levels.
This is where everything starts falling apart.
First year seemed ok, but I started to feel tired a lot both at school and afterwards. First year results came around and I failed it all. Literally. So, I had to redo the first year. This set me a year behind my friends and had me at that school for a whole year longer than intended. End of the ‘second’ year all my friends passed and went off to university. I on the other hand had my ‘proper’ second year left. This year things got even worse in terms of tiredness, ability to concentrate enough on work to get anything done decently. I just wanted out, wanted to do something other than education. I failed 2 of my 3 A levels. The other I got an E in, lowest pass you can get.
But, London South bank university accepted me anyway. ‘Hooray!’ I thought. The amazing thing everyone said I should do and would love was finally here. I was going to university.
But that too, was total balls.
I left my part-time job at Games Workshop (model soldiers, a hobby of mine) that I’d had for over a year because a) I had grown tired of that too, b) the manager at the time was crappy and c) I was off to Uni in a month. This should have been a big sign post for depression, as having a job that is also your hobby is most people’s dream. Getting paid to do what I loved and I STILL got fed up and wanted out.
So I move in to Uni. For a week. That was one of the worst weeks of my life living in halls. My flat was half empty, and two of the people there didn’t even talk to any of us. The two people who did talk to me (Tom and someone I’ve totally forgotten, that’s how much I considered them friends) always just wanted to go out drinking all the time. I’m really not that person and got quickly fed up of them knocking on my door all the time trying to peer pressure me out of my room. I moved in on a Sunday and was out again on the following Sunday. During that week only one of the nights was fine. The rest I cried myself to sleep trying to block out the sounds of everyone partying around halls, in our flat or outside my window (we were on the bottom floor facing the courtyard). The only thing that kept me from having a total breakdown that week was the internet. I could go on and chat to people I actually knew and cared about.
Now I stayed on at the Uni as the course was, at that time, still something I wanted to do. Film studies seems to most people like one of the most fun you could do at Uni. It isn’t. Even as a film fan it is boring and dull and full of history that you just don’t give a shit about. Again, big alarm bells should of rung here. A film fan of the geeky magnitude of myself and I was starting to hate film in general during the course.
So after two years of not really wanting to be there, but the money being nice, I got out. That was last summer. I bummed around for a bit on what loan I had left and finally got a job in the new Matalan that opened here in November. That’s where I am now.
But, as with everything above, I am now hating it and wanting to leave. It seems I cannot do anything, no matter how enjoyable I find it at first, for more than a few months before I hate it and want to get out.
And in general now, I have nothing in my life that I want to do/care about enough to carry on with. Save for my wonderful girlfriend Jemz. She is one of very very few bright spots in my current mess of a life.
And even then, she is now back in Doncaster and miles away from me. So she isn’t here to comfort or help at all. There’s only so much good a hugging emoticon on MSN can do. I have friends, but they are scattered all over the country and again, miles away and unable to help. You are all amazing and I love you, but you all live so damn far!
And yesterday I went to the Doctor’s finally. He gave me a questionnaire to ascertain where I am and how depressed I actually am. Came out on the borderline of mildly severe and severe depression. Which when he said it hit me hard. I knew I was bad but until a professional tells you, you have no idea really. Where I am is that I find it hard to focus on and do anything, even things I usually enjoy. I’ve had major feelings that I’ve failed at everything, and failed both myself and everyone I know. And yes, I have thought about hurting myself in a few ways. Crossing the road at the wrong times or maybe just jumping off things. Even if I didn’t die, just being injured enough might be ok. Hospital for a few weeks or whatever and bed-bound for a month or something. Seems much more agreeable to me than anything else I have to do/deal with in my life at the moment.
But, I know that is totally not the way to go. I wouldn’t want to do that to my mum or Jemz no matter how bad I feel. But then guilt is also a major factor of depression too. So its very conflicting.
This is getting long so I’ll end it here and do a part 2…