Because screwing up takes practice, and I'm well-rehersed
I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore...
Somehow Nick and I are still "together" but it's not the same, it can never be the same again, really. We've hurt each other so much, it's pretty much a game at this point. I haven't seen Evan in 3 weeks and I don't care... I was so amused by him, but I really can't even stand him anymore; he was a game to me... a toy even. I find myself feeling this way about most guys lately.
Even worse I get so unnaturally happy when Brian calls, IMs, or knocks on my door. I love how we just fell into each other. It's like we're more than friends, but not quite lovers... I don't know? I think I would honestly be upset if he told me he was into another girl. I already get stomach pains when someone brings up other girls in relation to him as it is.
And throughout all of this I am falling in love with someone that will remain nameless, but I don't want to hurt him... his innocence means the world to me. Am I really falling in love with him? Or do I just want to protect him from girls like me? I wish that he would stay away from me, cast me aside, forget I exsist. It might hurt, a lot, but at least I know I will never hurt him. He will never stay up at night wondering where we went wrong, how I could ruin him for other girls. He is the only guy I've ever unselfishly felt this way about. He's so beautiful...
I always do this to myself and what ever guy happens to be in my life at the moment. I am so fucked up in the head. I really think I need psychological help, heavy doses of medication may be necessary.
Somehow Nick and I are still "together" but it's not the same, it can never be the same again, really. We've hurt each other so much, it's pretty much a game at this point. I haven't seen Evan in 3 weeks and I don't care... I was so amused by him, but I really can't even stand him anymore; he was a game to me... a toy even. I find myself feeling this way about most guys lately.
Even worse I get so unnaturally happy when Brian calls, IMs, or knocks on my door. I love how we just fell into each other. It's like we're more than friends, but not quite lovers... I don't know? I think I would honestly be upset if he told me he was into another girl. I already get stomach pains when someone brings up other girls in relation to him as it is.
And throughout all of this I am falling in love with someone that will remain nameless, but I don't want to hurt him... his innocence means the world to me. Am I really falling in love with him? Or do I just want to protect him from girls like me? I wish that he would stay away from me, cast me aside, forget I exsist. It might hurt, a lot, but at least I know I will never hurt him. He will never stay up at night wondering where we went wrong, how I could ruin him for other girls. He is the only guy I've ever unselfishly felt this way about. He's so beautiful...
I always do this to myself and what ever guy happens to be in my life at the moment. I am so fucked up in the head. I really think I need psychological help, heavy doses of medication may be necessary.