(no subject)
Okay, yes, it's been awhile. Too much has happened and the last thing I was thinking about was writing in this.
~My mom had stage 4 lung cancer. She was in the hospital for x-mas and new years because her lungs had collapsed and she had a horrible infection in them as well. She had to get a tub put inbetween her rib cage and you could see the infection(fluid) drain out of her.
She got to come home a few days after new years but she was so weak we had to get nurses for her. My mom was doing much better but then on the day I was suppose to go back to Boston she yelling from her bed to make sure I was getting packed up to all of sudden she just couldn't breathe. She went back into the hospital for 3 more days.
Once she got home we had a physcial therapist and she was working on getting her strength back and least enough to get in and out of a wheel chair. Thinking she was doing much better hesitantly I went back to Boston.
Towards the middle of Feb. I noticed the times I talked to my mom she didn't sound like herself and I got really upset and felt I needed to come home. Luckily I did because after only a week of me being back home to see her she basically went unconscious and then she died on March 3rd.
~This was by far the hardest thing I had to go through. Watching her body slowly fall apart and her slowly sufficating. It was not a peaceful death and that will stick with me for the rest of my life. My mother did not want to die and she expressed that. She never accepted that she was dying and fought to hold on to life to the last breath. Though my mom was unconscious they say the last thing you lose before you die is your hearing. My mother had tears streaming down her face before she died.
~I don't think I will ever accept her death. Sometimes I hope to wake up and it was all just some horrible dream. It is hard to live with the fact that she will never see finish school or get married or have children.
I was extremely close to my mom, I sometimes look at it as she was all I had. Sure I have a dad but he can be the biggest asshole and I had 2 older brothers but they have their own lives. My mom and I talked all the time... she was like a best friend. She always got me. She always listened and understood. Her only fault was that she was too addicted to smoking to quit.
The pain and emptiness I have inside me now is really indiscribable. It has forever changed me and left an un-mendable scar.
I sometimes envy those with religion because to them death is just a part of life and they have a set belief or faith of where someone they love goes when they die. Death is un-nerving to me because I question everything. I'm agnostic..... I haven't the faintest idea what has happened to my mom. Is she okay? Did she even go anywhere? Does she still remember me? Will I ever see her again? If I can see her again will it be the same?
I just don't understand Death... I'm not sure anyone does.
If there is a God I don't exactly like him right now. In fact, I don't think I could forgive him for it. I don't see the point in my mom dying, especially not this soon. What does anyone benefit from it?
I want to punish something or someone for my mom's death. I feel like there is just something very fucked up about it...
~My mom had stage 4 lung cancer. She was in the hospital for x-mas and new years because her lungs had collapsed and she had a horrible infection in them as well. She had to get a tub put inbetween her rib cage and you could see the infection(fluid) drain out of her.
She got to come home a few days after new years but she was so weak we had to get nurses for her. My mom was doing much better but then on the day I was suppose to go back to Boston she yelling from her bed to make sure I was getting packed up to all of sudden she just couldn't breathe. She went back into the hospital for 3 more days.
Once she got home we had a physcial therapist and she was working on getting her strength back and least enough to get in and out of a wheel chair. Thinking she was doing much better hesitantly I went back to Boston.
Towards the middle of Feb. I noticed the times I talked to my mom she didn't sound like herself and I got really upset and felt I needed to come home. Luckily I did because after only a week of me being back home to see her she basically went unconscious and then she died on March 3rd.
~This was by far the hardest thing I had to go through. Watching her body slowly fall apart and her slowly sufficating. It was not a peaceful death and that will stick with me for the rest of my life. My mother did not want to die and she expressed that. She never accepted that she was dying and fought to hold on to life to the last breath. Though my mom was unconscious they say the last thing you lose before you die is your hearing. My mother had tears streaming down her face before she died.
~I don't think I will ever accept her death. Sometimes I hope to wake up and it was all just some horrible dream. It is hard to live with the fact that she will never see finish school or get married or have children.
I was extremely close to my mom, I sometimes look at it as she was all I had. Sure I have a dad but he can be the biggest asshole and I had 2 older brothers but they have their own lives. My mom and I talked all the time... she was like a best friend. She always got me. She always listened and understood. Her only fault was that she was too addicted to smoking to quit.
The pain and emptiness I have inside me now is really indiscribable. It has forever changed me and left an un-mendable scar.
I sometimes envy those with religion because to them death is just a part of life and they have a set belief or faith of where someone they love goes when they die. Death is un-nerving to me because I question everything. I'm agnostic..... I haven't the faintest idea what has happened to my mom. Is she okay? Did she even go anywhere? Does she still remember me? Will I ever see her again? If I can see her again will it be the same?
I just don't understand Death... I'm not sure anyone does.
If there is a God I don't exactly like him right now. In fact, I don't think I could forgive him for it. I don't see the point in my mom dying, especially not this soon. What does anyone benefit from it?
I want to punish something or someone for my mom's death. I feel like there is just something very fucked up about it...