Make it stop
My mom had her first chemo wed. At first she was doing really well. No symptoms or anything but then by friday she was really weak from the steroids wearing off. Today she was pretty sick. That stuff just scares me. I know its part of it and its expected but it still scares me. I don't like to see my mom this sick. I've been so up and down all the time. I try so hard to stay positive especially for my mom but today I've had a worse day with it. Stuff runs through my mind like... what if she dies and then I get mad at myself for even thinking like that. I'm scared to think like that... what if thinking like that kills her? But then I'm scared to be too optimistic cause what if I only set myself up for disappointment? I try to keep busy with school, but sometimes I can't even sit and read something without my mind wandering and thinking about my mom. Sometimes I break down and start cleaning my apt over and over again not that it helps me not think about it but when I'm moving constantly moving I can take all my emotions out on something ya know. I go to the gym alot too... which is good but I try to make sure I work out away from people because the other day I was that glider thingy ya know its like you're running but on air(if that makes sense) and I started going so fast cause I was so angry and then tears started coming up at the same time. Thank god for sweat cause people might have really noticed me crying.