A little hot and some cold
Spring has come and the gardens have thawed so we can begin to work them again. A few of the plants have not made the winter; our passion flowers and the bulk of ground covers are a loss but the Jasmine, Darkhorse-Weigela, and the Yews are looking just fine. With high expectations to remove the remainder of Ivy, the beds are in dire need of a good load of topsoil. It's going to be costly to finish them up this year but the plans are to have them ready for a beautiful summer and following growing season.
I'd love to get honest opinions on my character and attitude because as we look at ourselves, all we see are flaws. Walking around yesterday I found myself putting my actions and feelings down, the major pressure landed on career, friends, and relationship. It is much like a broken record, repeating these problems, but there are serious issues in need of attention.
Anyone who knows me would probably refer to me as hardworking, quiet, mediocre, and possibly annoying. Though I don't smile much, I also don't wear a frown all the time. It's the inside that really is the mixed-up jumble and I'm seeing it surfacing more the last little while. The desire to get up and go has gone, just being around people right now just makes me feel odd. I miss the rural area where I lived before, even along the trails here get flooded with people and noise from traffic. The horse scene smacks my face everyday, not just the inability to ride but knowing I own a horse and can't have his with me. The hardest thing to deal with is the scheduling and here is why: most of Jarett's friends and family are off on weekends. Me, I rarely get a weekend off, they are setting me to Wednesdays and Thursdays when everyone else is working so I just get to spend the day here with the cleaning that didn't get done because Jarett was out with his friends on the weekends. I like to clean, but it has been the only thing I do and recently, the only one doing it and I'm tired of it. Hell, I am simply tired of this place altogether: the public, the town, the systems, the work, the mentality, and the lack of care in it all. The only think I look forward to is coming home knowing someone there cares about me... and even that I'm starting to hinder with this horrid attitude caused by the public and my opinions of myself.
What do people do to make themselves smile? How do you get the nerve to talk to the people around you in normal conversation? I am extremely lost on aspects with friends here and where I stand in amongst these groups. Am I that person they 'deal' with just to have Jarett around- I am the tag along? I've had to adopt everything, a whole lifestyle and way of living, friends, family, and now I'm seeing what I've lost along the way and don't want to feel regret as I don't regret having Jarett in my life. It all is confusing to me, even this relationship, and in this confusion I am finding fear, distaste for myself, and anger. Don't get me wrong, I have many blessings, but at what cost to myself am I living this way? I truly do not know anymore.
I'd love to get honest opinions on my character and attitude because as we look at ourselves, all we see are flaws. Walking around yesterday I found myself putting my actions and feelings down, the major pressure landed on career, friends, and relationship. It is much like a broken record, repeating these problems, but there are serious issues in need of attention.
Anyone who knows me would probably refer to me as hardworking, quiet, mediocre, and possibly annoying. Though I don't smile much, I also don't wear a frown all the time. It's the inside that really is the mixed-up jumble and I'm seeing it surfacing more the last little while. The desire to get up and go has gone, just being around people right now just makes me feel odd. I miss the rural area where I lived before, even along the trails here get flooded with people and noise from traffic. The horse scene smacks my face everyday, not just the inability to ride but knowing I own a horse and can't have his with me. The hardest thing to deal with is the scheduling and here is why: most of Jarett's friends and family are off on weekends. Me, I rarely get a weekend off, they are setting me to Wednesdays and Thursdays when everyone else is working so I just get to spend the day here with the cleaning that didn't get done because Jarett was out with his friends on the weekends. I like to clean, but it has been the only thing I do and recently, the only one doing it and I'm tired of it. Hell, I am simply tired of this place altogether: the public, the town, the systems, the work, the mentality, and the lack of care in it all. The only think I look forward to is coming home knowing someone there cares about me... and even that I'm starting to hinder with this horrid attitude caused by the public and my opinions of myself.
What do people do to make themselves smile? How do you get the nerve to talk to the people around you in normal conversation? I am extremely lost on aspects with friends here and where I stand in amongst these groups. Am I that person they 'deal' with just to have Jarett around- I am the tag along? I've had to adopt everything, a whole lifestyle and way of living, friends, family, and now I'm seeing what I've lost along the way and don't want to feel regret as I don't regret having Jarett in my life. It all is confusing to me, even this relationship, and in this confusion I am finding fear, distaste for myself, and anger. Don't get me wrong, I have many blessings, but at what cost to myself am I living this way? I truly do not know anymore.