I don't believe in private blogging
So I was debating which of my four blogs to post this on that will get the least amount of attention. And then it hit me... lj! almost no one I know reads this anymore and for those that do... ATTENTION THIS COULD CONTAIN SOME INFORMATION OF A SEMI-PRIVATE NATURE. There that should cover it.
So last night I was minding my own business and playing on the computer when suddenly, I fell apart. Again. This has been happening once in a while lately and while its no more or less severe than what made us move, its scaring me because the only way to ask for help is to do what I don't want to do. Therapy and potential medication or hospitalization. While those things are all well and good I feel like there is more I can do before I resort to those things. I don't know why I feel this "God-like" power, but for some reason I'm just not ready to settle for "their" answers. Now what made everything worse last night is that people were asking things of me that I just could not do. I hate this. I want to be there for someone when they ask and they so seldom ask. Just seeing Brian's reaction to all this... it hurts him so much to have me right there and yet a world away in so much pain. You would think the newlywed thing would be good for at least a month to help out here but alas I even had an episode on the honeymoon. Not that Brian isn't amazing and getting used to it, but I don't like it when that happens. I never again want to think about "Gee it would be nice to cut my arm over and over again." Or "I wonder how long it would take to swallow a thousand count bottle of advil." I have just begun to reearn everyone around me's trust again, now I want to be worthy of my own.
Add to all this the things that are just eating me up inside. Like wanting us to have good jobs. I desperatly want a magic wand to just fix everything. We are in so much debt and its my fault (not entirely but it feels like it) and now I just want to fix the problem I've created. I just don't know how. I do have a prescreening test in 1.5 hours for a job with Wachovia, but I doubt that will help too much. We need a second car if I do get a job because there is little to no chance that his job will be near mine and have schedules that work out for one of us to drop the other off. But we can't buy a car without a job. So... round and round we go.
Finally. I am dying to have a baby. I have been like this since 19 but its even worse now that I'm married and could actually do it. And I know it would be irresponsible of me to tell Brian I'm taking the pill or let him think I'm doing nfp correctly. We don't need to concieve because of my lie. We also don't need to bring a baby into the world before we get jobs or insurance. I have been thinking about a home birth but I don't want to do it because there's not another option. But the desire has been so strong to feel another life growing within me and grow with it those 9 months just to have every dream I could want fulfilled when I hope my child in my arms. I know it sounds selfish but I long to be needed in that way. To be someone's everything in a way that we can't comprehend. To be responsible for someone's very life. (Not in a God sort of way, just in that this person could not care or survive on their own, they need help.) To be a family, start a family. To need to change diapers and play with and feed and hold... and I keep dreaming its happening just to wake up to nothing. On the one hand... I want to do so much before I have kids, and yet, nothing I want to do compares to my desire to have a child. I need to either quit dreaming about it or something. I need to quit dreaming right now and get going to get a job.
Dear Lord, please bless my day and make me more and more into your humble handmaiden. I know I ask for so much, too much to be compared to the Virgin Mary, but I want to become more like her every day. Teach me to say yes to your will instead of no I want this now. Help me be happy in the here and now instead of always longing for the things I do not have. You are more than enough for me, help me to count the blessings I already have surrounding me and live for and through you more each day.
So last night I was minding my own business and playing on the computer when suddenly, I fell apart. Again. This has been happening once in a while lately and while its no more or less severe than what made us move, its scaring me because the only way to ask for help is to do what I don't want to do. Therapy and potential medication or hospitalization. While those things are all well and good I feel like there is more I can do before I resort to those things. I don't know why I feel this "God-like" power, but for some reason I'm just not ready to settle for "their" answers. Now what made everything worse last night is that people were asking things of me that I just could not do. I hate this. I want to be there for someone when they ask and they so seldom ask. Just seeing Brian's reaction to all this... it hurts him so much to have me right there and yet a world away in so much pain. You would think the newlywed thing would be good for at least a month to help out here but alas I even had an episode on the honeymoon. Not that Brian isn't amazing and getting used to it, but I don't like it when that happens. I never again want to think about "Gee it would be nice to cut my arm over and over again." Or "I wonder how long it would take to swallow a thousand count bottle of advil." I have just begun to reearn everyone around me's trust again, now I want to be worthy of my own.
Add to all this the things that are just eating me up inside. Like wanting us to have good jobs. I desperatly want a magic wand to just fix everything. We are in so much debt and its my fault (not entirely but it feels like it) and now I just want to fix the problem I've created. I just don't know how. I do have a prescreening test in 1.5 hours for a job with Wachovia, but I doubt that will help too much. We need a second car if I do get a job because there is little to no chance that his job will be near mine and have schedules that work out for one of us to drop the other off. But we can't buy a car without a job. So... round and round we go.
Finally. I am dying to have a baby. I have been like this since 19 but its even worse now that I'm married and could actually do it. And I know it would be irresponsible of me to tell Brian I'm taking the pill or let him think I'm doing nfp correctly. We don't need to concieve because of my lie. We also don't need to bring a baby into the world before we get jobs or insurance. I have been thinking about a home birth but I don't want to do it because there's not another option. But the desire has been so strong to feel another life growing within me and grow with it those 9 months just to have every dream I could want fulfilled when I hope my child in my arms. I know it sounds selfish but I long to be needed in that way. To be someone's everything in a way that we can't comprehend. To be responsible for someone's very life. (Not in a God sort of way, just in that this person could not care or survive on their own, they need help.) To be a family, start a family. To need to change diapers and play with and feed and hold... and I keep dreaming its happening just to wake up to nothing. On the one hand... I want to do so much before I have kids, and yet, nothing I want to do compares to my desire to have a child. I need to either quit dreaming about it or something. I need to quit dreaming right now and get going to get a job.
Dear Lord, please bless my day and make me more and more into your humble handmaiden. I know I ask for so much, too much to be compared to the Virgin Mary, but I want to become more like her every day. Teach me to say yes to your will instead of no I want this now. Help me be happy in the here and now instead of always longing for the things I do not have. You are more than enough for me, help me to count the blessings I already have surrounding me and live for and through you more each day.