(no subject)
Ok, so I think I'm finally over the hump and safe for 4 more weeks. I'm telling you, guys just don't understand how blessed they are. I can handle to whole having a period thing, I'm pretty used to that by now, its the other problems I have that come with mine that I don't like. I really sorry to those of you who had to see me the past couple of days. I want you to know that I really am better, its just that there are about 3 days a month where I'm not there yet. I feel awful because the only time Joseph and I have hung out since I got back has been the past few days when I have been a mess. It stinks because I'm so afraid that now all he has seen is the same old same old. Joseph, if you read this, please just give me time. Don't make a quick decision about me. What the past few days has taught me though is that I really need to get insurance so I can get to a GYN so I can get this PSOS taken care of as much as possible, as well as get tested and put my mind at rest about some things. Sorry Jamie, you're just wrong, getting laid wouldn't make anything better. Not now, not ever. As a matter of fact, I am convinced it would only complicate matters, and quite possibly send me back. No, I think I'm on the right path.
Speaking of which... I really hope I don't upset people when I kind of disappear now and again. The thing is, over the course of the last year, my life really was blown into a million pieces. I thought I could pick them up and glue them back together faster than I really can. I am realizing that a lot of the pieces don't belong in the same spots or at all anymore, and some new pieces have taken their places. That and the glue is taking a lot longer to dry. I didn't think coming home would be anything but wonderful, and for the most part it has been. The problem is that I didn't realize just how many demons would be lurking here. I have to face them slowly, and face them I must. For the most part, I must simply face them alone. There is nothing anyone can do. I suppose you could be there. Hugs are always nice, and sometimes a hand to hold can make the world seem less frightening. Mostly you can pray for me. The important thing to realize is that I'm healthy and alive and ok. I just need to deal with these demons now. I want to be done with my past and move on.
You know what I realized this morning. I realized what I've been doing wrong all these years, and how Satan has always managed to get a hold on me because of it. My greatest desire is to just love. I love everyone, no matter their color, religion, personality, or anything else. I just love them. I love them, because Christ loved them. I might not be able to preach the gospel or use eloquent phrases, but maybe I could at least love them. Anyhow, my problem has always been that in the process of loving them, I loose myself. I don't love them for who they are, I become one of them so as to make them feel better. That's not love. I've been doing wrong for years. No wonder I wandered into a mess that I didn't want to be a part of. Satan knew my weakness, and he used it. Its kinda strange that I missed that before. I guess its just because I'm back and I see myself becoming what I was all over again and I've been trying to figure out why.
Anyhow, I think that's enough for one post. Especially since I'm at work. Of course I'm just sitting here without much else to do... Time to read some more. I just finished Phantom of the Opera. *sighs* The book is so much better than the movie or the play... I would be so happy if I can save up the money to go see it at the Fox!!! This is deffinately one of those times when I rich boyfriend would be ideal. Oh, and as a little side note... *insert Star Wars theme here* I'M GOING TO SEE EPISODE 3 IN 8 HOURS!!!!!! So siked! Yup, life is good. I want a kitten.
Speaking of which... I really hope I don't upset people when I kind of disappear now and again. The thing is, over the course of the last year, my life really was blown into a million pieces. I thought I could pick them up and glue them back together faster than I really can. I am realizing that a lot of the pieces don't belong in the same spots or at all anymore, and some new pieces have taken their places. That and the glue is taking a lot longer to dry. I didn't think coming home would be anything but wonderful, and for the most part it has been. The problem is that I didn't realize just how many demons would be lurking here. I have to face them slowly, and face them I must. For the most part, I must simply face them alone. There is nothing anyone can do. I suppose you could be there. Hugs are always nice, and sometimes a hand to hold can make the world seem less frightening. Mostly you can pray for me. The important thing to realize is that I'm healthy and alive and ok. I just need to deal with these demons now. I want to be done with my past and move on.
You know what I realized this morning. I realized what I've been doing wrong all these years, and how Satan has always managed to get a hold on me because of it. My greatest desire is to just love. I love everyone, no matter their color, religion, personality, or anything else. I just love them. I love them, because Christ loved them. I might not be able to preach the gospel or use eloquent phrases, but maybe I could at least love them. Anyhow, my problem has always been that in the process of loving them, I loose myself. I don't love them for who they are, I become one of them so as to make them feel better. That's not love. I've been doing wrong for years. No wonder I wandered into a mess that I didn't want to be a part of. Satan knew my weakness, and he used it. Its kinda strange that I missed that before. I guess its just because I'm back and I see myself becoming what I was all over again and I've been trying to figure out why.
Anyhow, I think that's enough for one post. Especially since I'm at work. Of course I'm just sitting here without much else to do... Time to read some more. I just finished Phantom of the Opera. *sighs* The book is so much better than the movie or the play... I would be so happy if I can save up the money to go see it at the Fox!!! This is deffinately one of those times when I rich boyfriend would be ideal. Oh, and as a little side note... *insert Star Wars theme here* I'M GOING TO SEE EPISODE 3 IN 8 HOURS!!!!!! So siked! Yup, life is good. I want a kitten.