TW Fic: Nosce Te Ipsum (1/?)
Title: Nosce Te Ipsum (1/?)
Rating: PG (for now)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Romance
Word Count: 1900
Summary: Ianto finds himself lost in the worst way. The Doctor offers him a way out to heal and to find himself.
Story Notes: Post End of Days and Last of the Timelords disregarding the whole of Torchwood Season 2 completely. This is a Ianto-centric fic of his rediscovery of his self-worth. Unbeta'ed.
A/N: Here's a little offering to the Companion Ianto genre. I don't rightly know what to call it yet but I'm pretty sure it would be a multi-chapter fic. Here's the first chapter. Be warned though, its got woobie!Ianto and some angst. And a little bit of Gwen-bashing (or at least it will in the long run).
Chapter 1
Ianto wonders if he is worthy of love. Waking up, thinking about his worthlessness was a daily occurrence for him. There were days where he successfully shuts it out, the insidious thoughts of not being up the mark, of being nothing in particular. Of not being brilliant and special. There nights though, particularly bad nights where he would seek solace in a bottle, getting that little bit confident in his tipsiness. He would sit down, put on the funniest thing he could find on TV and just say, fuck it! I was loved, I had been loved, there must be something in me that’s worth the trouble, worth the feelings invested by the other person. Yes, Ianto thinks, his vision blurry and his coordination shot to bits; yes I was loved, there’s me, what I am, who I am who’s worthy. Because humans are inherently selfish. We would not want to place our deepest feelings on someone who we know would never be able to give it all due care and attention.
But then he goes to work, goes to the Hub with its uncomfortable undercurrents, like everyone was just tolerating everyone else. Without Jack there to gel them together, to make them feel special, they’re nothing but a ragtag group of broken china dolls who somehow found themselves in the position of saving the world once every fortnight. Even the trip to the Himalayas was unpleasant. Owen, being Owen expressed his distaste of everything, the location, the weather, them. Toshiko was in a world of her own, not seeing anything but codes and immediate dangers. Gwen was trying to be mature, but she was worried sick about Rhys, and her inexperience was shining through. She blundered her way through situations, upsetting local people by talking to them in loud obnoxious broken English like they were all 4 year olds and showing a real lack of coordination out of her comfortable sphere of belonging. Ianto did what he could to smooth things over. He learnt rudimentary Hindi from Aneesa, a fellow archivist in Torchwood One. Unfortunately their hosts were Farsi speakers and their knowledge of Hindi were equal to his.
He arranged their equipment and supplies and managed to rope in 2 guides for the crazy mission, despite the local fear of the mountains. But even before they could settle their breakfast in their churning stomachs, a call came through their satellite phone, saying there was no need to go anymore and that they were all needed in Cardiff because the UNIT contingent they had left to man the Hub was having trouble with the excessive rift activity.
Owen declared it all a grand waste of his time. Gwen was just happy to get out of the remote village they found themselves in. Tosh shook her head and went to check on her equipment and Ianto stayed put and worked out the cost of this little trip and how they were going to justify it to the Ministry.
Once home, they found Jack flirting with an uncomfortable UNIT lieutenant. Explanations were left for later as they dashed about, trying to contain the excess energy the rift was making. It was visibly disturbed by something and Jack, who was closed mouth about it, clearly knew why it was acting up.
By the time the rift energy was contained and released through the water tower into the atmosphere (they leaked a story of an unplanned fireworks display), everyone was exhausted. The UNIT contingent was dispatched to their base but not before they were ordered by Jack to herd the disturbed weevils back into the sewers.
Ianto found himself alone in the Hub’s kitchen, feeling hopeful. Jack was back and he was given a chance to mend fences and start over. Their dalliance, which had started out as something to keep Jack from finding out of his betrayal had been rocked by his betrayal not once, but twice and Ianto’s distance after finding out about the real Captain Jack Harkness and Jack’s response to him. He went through the motions of making Jack his favourite coffee, using the special beans he kept for special occasions, and started up the stairs to his office.
Unfortunately he was not the first one there.
Ianto felt his world crashing around him as he watched through the transparent glass the Captain being kissed passionately by Gwen. She had both her hands on his face and his were clutching her waist. It took all of Ianto’s strength not to drop the mug he was holding. He gathered his shattered pride and turned away, not wanting to see anymore.
Walking away was an automatic thing to do. He placed the still hot mug on Tosh’s station where she took one look at his shuttered face, looked up into Jack’s office and gasped. Ianto grabbed his coat and made to the cog doors but not before he saw Owen throw him a sly smirk. His ears were ringing and his heart pumping so loudly he could feel it beating strong on his temples. He walked blindly out, willing himself not to collapse, not to cry. Holding back the wave of hurt and anger and inadequacy that would surely drown him.
He headed not for his car, but the bay. He clutched the railings blindly and clenched his hands hard around it, hoping somehow that it would ground him, keep him from being swept away by the gamut of emotions just waiting to choke him. He would not cry. He could not. He was too angry at himself for believing even for one second that Jack came back for him. He was nothing. He wasn’t brilliant. He couldn’t do anything that anybody could do in their sleep. He was no one special to be given Jack’s love. Jack who shone of brilliancy, who is dynamic and handsome and strong. Jack who made everyone around him feel special, like they could follow him to the ends of the universe if need be.
Jack who came back for Gwen. Gwen who people could not help but love. Gwen who shone with humanity and empathy. Tosh with her head on coding go out drinking with her, a special bonding experience by virtue of being female together. Owen who fancied her, liked her, who couldn’t get enough of her vivacity. Rhys who fell madly for her, enough to pursue her into forever. Even Andy, apparently was in love with her. Now Jack. Jack came back for her. Jack would shower her with all the attention and care he had previously shown Ianto.
Ianto who had just been dumped like a hot pile of coal because he had nothing to offer. He was nothing. He’s a failure at everything he did and there’s nothing left. Ianto always thought that God had a sick sense of humour, why did he survive the carnage when so many other good people dies. He failed at life, running away when he was young, doing drugs and shoplifting to support the habit. At least he didn’t have to resort to prostitution. It had only been by luck that he had managed to find work in Torchwood One, and only because he had encountered an alien and had a resistance to retcon. He failed to save Lisa, failed to save anyone in the burning rubble of Torchwood One, those who begged for salvation. All he could do was attend all their funerals and try to comfort those they left behind with words of how he knew them and how they died heroically. And he failed to be anything but a running-boy and drinks provider in Torchwood Three.
He was nothing. If he jumped to his death down the crashing wave of the Atlantic Ocean no one would care. He was nothing and he didn’t deserve love.
“Now, don’t talk like that…you’re giving me a headache”
Ianto whipped around and wiped his streaming eyes with his sleeve. He hadn’t even realise he had started crying.
The thin man in a rumpled suit and brown coat merely frowned at him. Ianto noticed his eyes, full of understanding, not the pity he had been bracing for.
“I’ve just come from an overdose of love and affection then I encounter this. I can’t say which one hurts my head the most. Your self-pitying or their excessive positive emotions…well…I suppose both have the same strength…well….not really, polar opposites you now.”
Ianto stared at the strange man a while longer before he realised who it was. “You’re the Doctor.”
The man flashed him an open mouthed grin. “That’s me!” then he frowned “Hang on a bit…do I know you?”
Ianto just stood up straighter “I work for Torchwood, I saw you in Canary Wharf.”
The Doctor suddenly turned serious. He took his hands off his pockets and leaned on the railings, looking out the bay. “There were survivors then?”
“Twenty-seven, including me. Actually twenty-three now.” Ianto said solemnly.
“What happened?”
“Committed suicide.”
The Doctor turned to him. “And you want to follow them?”
“There’s nothing left for me” He shrugged. He had not fully formulated a plan for his suicide. Probably something that would not take a lot to clean up, that would cross out cutting his wrist, jumping off a building, jumping onto oncoming traffic or blowing his head out. Poisoning or drowning would probably be best.
“Stop it. Stop it right now.” The Doctor frowned at him.
“You can see what I’m thinking?”
“No, but your emotions are battering my psychic barrier so strongly its forming pictures in my mind. I’m surprised Jack doesn‘t come running.”
Ianto‘s voice broke as he felt his heart clench “I think he’s a bit busy right now.”
The Doctor suddenly had a look of someone who just had a startling revelation. “Is this what its all about, then? Jack?”
“Jack, amongst other things.”
The Doctor turned penetrating eyes on him “You’re broken…he’s broken you…I didn’t think he would do that. He talked of you lot all the time.”
“I think you’ll find I’m not really part of ‘you lot’, in fact I’m nothing at all.”
“No…don’t say that.” The Doctor wheedled. “Humans are brilliant, and you’re human, so you must be brilliant.”
“I’d have thought you’d be angry with me, Doctor, after what we almost let happen in London.” Ianto said as he leaned back on the railing, not really caring if the Doctor was angry with him or not.
“But it wasn’t your fault was it? I can tell you had nothing to do with it. And Jack wouldn’t have had you down his cavernous pit if you were part of the problem. Your Ianto, right? The Archivist?”
“Yes”
“You suffered down there, too. Jack said.”
“Yes.” Ianto turned away from the knowing eyes of the Doctor, he didn’t think he could take another second of this being delving into his most inner thoughts.
The Doctor pushed off the railing and stuffed his hands back in his trouser pockets. He gave Ianto a considering look and said something that Ianto never would have thought he’d say to him.
“Come with me.”
Ianto just stared at the hand proffered to him. “Why?”
The Doctor smiled sadly and said “Because I’m alone and you’re alone and we can be alone together.”
As if hypnotised, Ianto took his hand and let the Doctor lead him to certain danger.
And maybe to heal.
Next chapter...
What do you think? Too much woobie? It'll get better...promise....
Rating: PG (for now)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Romance
Word Count: 1900
Summary: Ianto finds himself lost in the worst way. The Doctor offers him a way out to heal and to find himself.
Story Notes: Post End of Days and Last of the Timelords disregarding the whole of Torchwood Season 2 completely. This is a Ianto-centric fic of his rediscovery of his self-worth. Unbeta'ed.
A/N: Here's a little offering to the Companion Ianto genre. I don't rightly know what to call it yet but I'm pretty sure it would be a multi-chapter fic. Here's the first chapter. Be warned though, its got woobie!Ianto and some angst. And a little bit of Gwen-bashing (or at least it will in the long run).
Chapter 1
Ianto wonders if he is worthy of love. Waking up, thinking about his worthlessness was a daily occurrence for him. There were days where he successfully shuts it out, the insidious thoughts of not being up the mark, of being nothing in particular. Of not being brilliant and special. There nights though, particularly bad nights where he would seek solace in a bottle, getting that little bit confident in his tipsiness. He would sit down, put on the funniest thing he could find on TV and just say, fuck it! I was loved, I had been loved, there must be something in me that’s worth the trouble, worth the feelings invested by the other person. Yes, Ianto thinks, his vision blurry and his coordination shot to bits; yes I was loved, there’s me, what I am, who I am who’s worthy. Because humans are inherently selfish. We would not want to place our deepest feelings on someone who we know would never be able to give it all due care and attention.
But then he goes to work, goes to the Hub with its uncomfortable undercurrents, like everyone was just tolerating everyone else. Without Jack there to gel them together, to make them feel special, they’re nothing but a ragtag group of broken china dolls who somehow found themselves in the position of saving the world once every fortnight. Even the trip to the Himalayas was unpleasant. Owen, being Owen expressed his distaste of everything, the location, the weather, them. Toshiko was in a world of her own, not seeing anything but codes and immediate dangers. Gwen was trying to be mature, but she was worried sick about Rhys, and her inexperience was shining through. She blundered her way through situations, upsetting local people by talking to them in loud obnoxious broken English like they were all 4 year olds and showing a real lack of coordination out of her comfortable sphere of belonging. Ianto did what he could to smooth things over. He learnt rudimentary Hindi from Aneesa, a fellow archivist in Torchwood One. Unfortunately their hosts were Farsi speakers and their knowledge of Hindi were equal to his.
He arranged their equipment and supplies and managed to rope in 2 guides for the crazy mission, despite the local fear of the mountains. But even before they could settle their breakfast in their churning stomachs, a call came through their satellite phone, saying there was no need to go anymore and that they were all needed in Cardiff because the UNIT contingent they had left to man the Hub was having trouble with the excessive rift activity.
Owen declared it all a grand waste of his time. Gwen was just happy to get out of the remote village they found themselves in. Tosh shook her head and went to check on her equipment and Ianto stayed put and worked out the cost of this little trip and how they were going to justify it to the Ministry.
Once home, they found Jack flirting with an uncomfortable UNIT lieutenant. Explanations were left for later as they dashed about, trying to contain the excess energy the rift was making. It was visibly disturbed by something and Jack, who was closed mouth about it, clearly knew why it was acting up.
By the time the rift energy was contained and released through the water tower into the atmosphere (they leaked a story of an unplanned fireworks display), everyone was exhausted. The UNIT contingent was dispatched to their base but not before they were ordered by Jack to herd the disturbed weevils back into the sewers.
Ianto found himself alone in the Hub’s kitchen, feeling hopeful. Jack was back and he was given a chance to mend fences and start over. Their dalliance, which had started out as something to keep Jack from finding out of his betrayal had been rocked by his betrayal not once, but twice and Ianto’s distance after finding out about the real Captain Jack Harkness and Jack’s response to him. He went through the motions of making Jack his favourite coffee, using the special beans he kept for special occasions, and started up the stairs to his office.
Unfortunately he was not the first one there.
Ianto felt his world crashing around him as he watched through the transparent glass the Captain being kissed passionately by Gwen. She had both her hands on his face and his were clutching her waist. It took all of Ianto’s strength not to drop the mug he was holding. He gathered his shattered pride and turned away, not wanting to see anymore.
Walking away was an automatic thing to do. He placed the still hot mug on Tosh’s station where she took one look at his shuttered face, looked up into Jack’s office and gasped. Ianto grabbed his coat and made to the cog doors but not before he saw Owen throw him a sly smirk. His ears were ringing and his heart pumping so loudly he could feel it beating strong on his temples. He walked blindly out, willing himself not to collapse, not to cry. Holding back the wave of hurt and anger and inadequacy that would surely drown him.
He headed not for his car, but the bay. He clutched the railings blindly and clenched his hands hard around it, hoping somehow that it would ground him, keep him from being swept away by the gamut of emotions just waiting to choke him. He would not cry. He could not. He was too angry at himself for believing even for one second that Jack came back for him. He was nothing. He wasn’t brilliant. He couldn’t do anything that anybody could do in their sleep. He was no one special to be given Jack’s love. Jack who shone of brilliancy, who is dynamic and handsome and strong. Jack who made everyone around him feel special, like they could follow him to the ends of the universe if need be.
Jack who came back for Gwen. Gwen who people could not help but love. Gwen who shone with humanity and empathy. Tosh with her head on coding go out drinking with her, a special bonding experience by virtue of being female together. Owen who fancied her, liked her, who couldn’t get enough of her vivacity. Rhys who fell madly for her, enough to pursue her into forever. Even Andy, apparently was in love with her. Now Jack. Jack came back for her. Jack would shower her with all the attention and care he had previously shown Ianto.
Ianto who had just been dumped like a hot pile of coal because he had nothing to offer. He was nothing. He’s a failure at everything he did and there’s nothing left. Ianto always thought that God had a sick sense of humour, why did he survive the carnage when so many other good people dies. He failed at life, running away when he was young, doing drugs and shoplifting to support the habit. At least he didn’t have to resort to prostitution. It had only been by luck that he had managed to find work in Torchwood One, and only because he had encountered an alien and had a resistance to retcon. He failed to save Lisa, failed to save anyone in the burning rubble of Torchwood One, those who begged for salvation. All he could do was attend all their funerals and try to comfort those they left behind with words of how he knew them and how they died heroically. And he failed to be anything but a running-boy and drinks provider in Torchwood Three.
He was nothing. If he jumped to his death down the crashing wave of the Atlantic Ocean no one would care. He was nothing and he didn’t deserve love.
“Now, don’t talk like that…you’re giving me a headache”
Ianto whipped around and wiped his streaming eyes with his sleeve. He hadn’t even realise he had started crying.
The thin man in a rumpled suit and brown coat merely frowned at him. Ianto noticed his eyes, full of understanding, not the pity he had been bracing for.
“I’ve just come from an overdose of love and affection then I encounter this. I can’t say which one hurts my head the most. Your self-pitying or their excessive positive emotions…well…I suppose both have the same strength…well….not really, polar opposites you now.”
Ianto stared at the strange man a while longer before he realised who it was. “You’re the Doctor.”
The man flashed him an open mouthed grin. “That’s me!” then he frowned “Hang on a bit…do I know you?”
Ianto just stood up straighter “I work for Torchwood, I saw you in Canary Wharf.”
The Doctor suddenly turned serious. He took his hands off his pockets and leaned on the railings, looking out the bay. “There were survivors then?”
“Twenty-seven, including me. Actually twenty-three now.” Ianto said solemnly.
“What happened?”
“Committed suicide.”
The Doctor turned to him. “And you want to follow them?”
“There’s nothing left for me” He shrugged. He had not fully formulated a plan for his suicide. Probably something that would not take a lot to clean up, that would cross out cutting his wrist, jumping off a building, jumping onto oncoming traffic or blowing his head out. Poisoning or drowning would probably be best.
“Stop it. Stop it right now.” The Doctor frowned at him.
“You can see what I’m thinking?”
“No, but your emotions are battering my psychic barrier so strongly its forming pictures in my mind. I’m surprised Jack doesn‘t come running.”
Ianto‘s voice broke as he felt his heart clench “I think he’s a bit busy right now.”
The Doctor suddenly had a look of someone who just had a startling revelation. “Is this what its all about, then? Jack?”
“Jack, amongst other things.”
The Doctor turned penetrating eyes on him “You’re broken…he’s broken you…I didn’t think he would do that. He talked of you lot all the time.”
“I think you’ll find I’m not really part of ‘you lot’, in fact I’m nothing at all.”
“No…don’t say that.” The Doctor wheedled. “Humans are brilliant, and you’re human, so you must be brilliant.”
“I’d have thought you’d be angry with me, Doctor, after what we almost let happen in London.” Ianto said as he leaned back on the railing, not really caring if the Doctor was angry with him or not.
“But it wasn’t your fault was it? I can tell you had nothing to do with it. And Jack wouldn’t have had you down his cavernous pit if you were part of the problem. Your Ianto, right? The Archivist?”
“Yes”
“You suffered down there, too. Jack said.”
“Yes.” Ianto turned away from the knowing eyes of the Doctor, he didn’t think he could take another second of this being delving into his most inner thoughts.
The Doctor pushed off the railing and stuffed his hands back in his trouser pockets. He gave Ianto a considering look and said something that Ianto never would have thought he’d say to him.
“Come with me.”
Ianto just stared at the hand proffered to him. “Why?”
The Doctor smiled sadly and said “Because I’m alone and you’re alone and we can be alone together.”
As if hypnotised, Ianto took his hand and let the Doctor lead him to certain danger.
And maybe to heal.
Next chapter...
What do you think? Too much woobie? It'll get better...promise....