Touch
A little bit more emo shit. Mostly realizing what I crave in a relationship, perhaps more than the relationship itself. Cuddling.
I discovered this minutes ago, actually. I've always been emotionally disconnected from things, it's a state that I'm used to. I'm comfortable with it. I crave physical interactions (ie:sex) but I don't particularly want to be close to people, let alone (gasp) build emotional attachments. I think though, that I may have discovered a missing puzzle piece.
I was reading some things about relationships and desires that had a different way of putting things, which got me thinking on a different path. Then I read about cuddling and it sort of clicked. I've never cuddled. I rarely, if ever, touch people. It's an alien sensation to me, it's surprising when people offer it to me and I don't entirely know how to react when they do. It's funny, because I love hugs. Even though I love hugs, I can count the people I have hugged on two hands. Two parents, five female friends, one male friend. Then there's real hugs, the kind that you wrap your arms around someone and hold them for a while, letting the minutes pass. Three people for that, at most a handful of times.
The topic of cuddling has come to me before but it was only with this change in thought that I realized what I've been wanting. Touch. To be held, feel. I'd put this to why I can't do long-distance relationships, being held makes all the difference. The realization has moved me to tears because now that I see it, I realize how badly I want it and can almost feel the hole in my life that this lack of physical contact has left me with. There was a bit of cuddling with Chris, but not a lot. I'm always so worried about my weight, she was so thin, so frail like a toothpick, I didn't want to smother her. Despite the frustration, I greatly enjoyed the bit of cuddling we did.
So, there it is. I really just want to be held.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I discovered this minutes ago, actually. I've always been emotionally disconnected from things, it's a state that I'm used to. I'm comfortable with it. I crave physical interactions (ie:sex) but I don't particularly want to be close to people, let alone (gasp) build emotional attachments. I think though, that I may have discovered a missing puzzle piece.
I was reading some things about relationships and desires that had a different way of putting things, which got me thinking on a different path. Then I read about cuddling and it sort of clicked. I've never cuddled. I rarely, if ever, touch people. It's an alien sensation to me, it's surprising when people offer it to me and I don't entirely know how to react when they do. It's funny, because I love hugs. Even though I love hugs, I can count the people I have hugged on two hands. Two parents, five female friends, one male friend. Then there's real hugs, the kind that you wrap your arms around someone and hold them for a while, letting the minutes pass. Three people for that, at most a handful of times.
The topic of cuddling has come to me before but it was only with this change in thought that I realized what I've been wanting. Touch. To be held, feel. I'd put this to why I can't do long-distance relationships, being held makes all the difference. The realization has moved me to tears because now that I see it, I realize how badly I want it and can almost feel the hole in my life that this lack of physical contact has left me with. There was a bit of cuddling with Chris, but not a lot. I'm always so worried about my weight, she was so thin, so frail like a toothpick, I didn't want to smother her. Despite the frustration, I greatly enjoyed the bit of cuddling we did.
So, there it is. I really just want to be held.
I don't know how I feel about that.