(no subject)
So, as I may have mentioned on here before, I exist seasonally. Summer vs. Winter, for each season almost a different person, I think. I'm more aware of myself now that I'm getting help for Seasonal Affective Disorder (among other things) but being so only highlights the changes I'm feeling. Also, for the 'mild' winter I had (The winter of 12th grade was the worst yet, this past winter with sunlight therapy I've been almost... normal) I'm a little surprised I'm ...feeling this. Anyhow.
So, with the warm weather and sunlight come more emotions than I'm used to feeling, and I'm having a very hard time containing, or even identifying them. They're unbalancing me, drowning me in a rushing river as I try to reach for shore. I've been figuring them out little by little, but having to re-learn emotion again and again is wearing on me.
A few of the ones that are popping up this year are bothering me a bit, though. Some of them are bringing clarity to my thoughts, balancing them, explaining some of my habits that I've carried since the summer. There's one in particular that stands out though, and it's giving me a hell of a time.
Jealousy.
I havn't felt jealousy in years. The last time was at about the age of 10, when my sister got lego for xmas. I'd begged and begged for lego and hotwheels, but instead recieved barbies while she got both. My parents had gotten us confused again, when I complained they told me that they had thought I didn't want them. She never let me use them, and I never did get lego.
Anyhow, that was the extent of my jealousy. I think just as much as I was jealous then, I felt I had been treated unfairly.
But now I am jealous again, and although I think I know the cause of my jealousy, I can't quite be sure. If I'm right, then my jealousy is my fault, not hers, and I have no right to feel it. In all honesty, there's no reason to be jealous, ever. I have not been wronged, no one has done any harm to me, but I can't get rid of this feeling, and it's such an awful feeling.
My worry is that it'll affect how I interact with and how I feel about the other parties involved. All it can do is hurt others, I'm worried about acting out of jealousy. Logically, the only way I can escape jealousy is by cutting off contact with the people who are causing me to become jealous. That would only hurt them, something I deeply do not wish to do. But this is what my mind is telling me to do, and rarely if ever does my mind lead me wrong.
I am more unsure of myself than I am used to being, and the jealousy and resulting self-untrusting isn't helping by any means. My only hope is to wait it out, but how long can I wait...?
I'm still left with the problem I can't quite solve now, though. It's causing more and more trouble every day, I just have to work on re-learning emotions again, and keep on top of it so I don't drown. Ah well.
So, with the warm weather and sunlight come more emotions than I'm used to feeling, and I'm having a very hard time containing, or even identifying them. They're unbalancing me, drowning me in a rushing river as I try to reach for shore. I've been figuring them out little by little, but having to re-learn emotion again and again is wearing on me.
A few of the ones that are popping up this year are bothering me a bit, though. Some of them are bringing clarity to my thoughts, balancing them, explaining some of my habits that I've carried since the summer. There's one in particular that stands out though, and it's giving me a hell of a time.
Jealousy.
I havn't felt jealousy in years. The last time was at about the age of 10, when my sister got lego for xmas. I'd begged and begged for lego and hotwheels, but instead recieved barbies while she got both. My parents had gotten us confused again, when I complained they told me that they had thought I didn't want them. She never let me use them, and I never did get lego.
Anyhow, that was the extent of my jealousy. I think just as much as I was jealous then, I felt I had been treated unfairly.
But now I am jealous again, and although I think I know the cause of my jealousy, I can't quite be sure. If I'm right, then my jealousy is my fault, not hers, and I have no right to feel it. In all honesty, there's no reason to be jealous, ever. I have not been wronged, no one has done any harm to me, but I can't get rid of this feeling, and it's such an awful feeling.
My worry is that it'll affect how I interact with and how I feel about the other parties involved. All it can do is hurt others, I'm worried about acting out of jealousy. Logically, the only way I can escape jealousy is by cutting off contact with the people who are causing me to become jealous. That would only hurt them, something I deeply do not wish to do. But this is what my mind is telling me to do, and rarely if ever does my mind lead me wrong.
I am more unsure of myself than I am used to being, and the jealousy and resulting self-untrusting isn't helping by any means. My only hope is to wait it out, but how long can I wait...?
I'm still left with the problem I can't quite solve now, though. It's causing more and more trouble every day, I just have to work on re-learning emotions again, and keep on top of it so I don't drown. Ah well.