Day 3
Title: 5 phone calls Xabi Alonso didn’t want to have at 3am
Characters: Random members of La Selección
Word Count: 1,425
Rating: PG. Swearing, but that's about it.
Disclaimer: Not true. Never met them, don’t own them, etc, etc. You know the drill.
Author’s Notes: I have no idea how it got this long. To be honest, I don't think I did Xabi any justice. But still. I hope it's not too bad.
1. “Hello?”
“Xabi!”
Xabi groans. He really needed to turn his ringer off. “Cesc? Do you know what time it is?”
There’s a pause. “Ummm.” Another pause. And finally, a giggle and, “No.”
“It’s three, Cesc. Normal people don’t call anyone at this time.”
“What? You mean you’re not awake?”
“Why would I be awake at three in the morning?”
“Not sexing up Mr. Steven Gerrard tonight then?”
“Cesc.”
He just hears giggling at the other end.
Xabi sighs. “Are you drunk?”
There’s more giggling. “Why would you think I’m― I’m not…you know. That thing that you said I am.” He giggles. “Drunk! There! Yes. I’m not drunk. You know what I am?”
“What?”
“I’m Cesc! Get it? ‘Cause that’s my name so that’s what I am.” He giggles. “It’s like ummm, uhhh…Íker’s ad! I am what I am. And what I am is Cesc!” He laughs and then Xabi hears him cursing. “Ooops, I almost fell off my chair. That would’ve hurt.”
“Cesc, are you at home?”
“Who? Me?”
“Yes, Cesc, of course you, I’m not talking to anyone else.”
“Really? You’re just talking to me?”
“Yes, Cesc,” Xabi says patiently. “You have my undivided attention.”
“Awww.” More giggling. “I love you, Xabi! You are awesome and ummm” ―there’s a long pause and Xabi thinks that Cesc has hung up, when all of a sudden― “squishy! You are awesome and squishy. I will have to squish you the next time I see you, ‘kay?”
“Sure, Cesc.” Xabi rolls his eyes. “Where are you?”
“Ummm…out at ummm…yes.”
Xabi looks up towards the ceiling. Really? he thinks. I’m really losing sleep over this?
“Are you with anyone?”
“Yes. I’m with…the ummm guy. With the hair and ummm stuff.”
“That’s a really clear description, Cesc, thanks. Does the Umm Guy have a name?”
“Sure!”
Before he can ask what it is, Xabi hears a scuffle and someone saying, “Cesc! Who did you call? It’s three in the morning! I just told you to sit still while I went to the bathroom.”
Xabi hears Cesc giggle. “But Xabi doesn’t mind!”
Like hell he didn’t mind. He had training tomorrow!
“Xabi?”
Xabi frowns at the somewhat familiar voice. “Who is this?” He hears Cesc say, “Robin, waaaait!” before the other man can answer.
“I am so sorry that he called you.” Robin sounds mortified. “I just left him alone for a few minutes, I really didn’t think he’d call anyone.”
Xabi tells him it’s okay and hangs up. Before he falls back asleep, he briefly entertains the idea of changing his number and not telling Cesc.
2. “Hi, Xabi!”
Xabi can’t even bring himself to open his eyes. “Uhhh…what?”
“Are you sleeping?” Fernando makes it sound like the idea of actually being asleep at this time is completely absurd.
“Isn’t it like 4 in the morning?”
“It’s three. Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re already sleeping. You’re such a grandfather.”
Xabi rolls over, the phone still pressed to his ear. “What is it, Nando?”
“I think I found a good Christmas gift for Sergio.”
Xabi is silent.
“Xabi?”
“I’m trying to convince myself that you didn’t call me at this time to ask about a Christmas present.”
“It’s important. If I order before 6 A.M., I qualify for free shipping.”
“Why are you calling me? Why don’t you just ask Sergio?”
“Because it wouldn’t be a surprise then! God, I thought you were the one with common sense, Xabi.”
Xabi sighs. “Just…what is it, Nando? What is this great gift idea?”
Fernando pauses. “I don’t want to say.”
“…You call me up at three in the morning because you want to talk to me about Sergio’s gift? And now…you don’t want to say?” Xabi says all of this slowly. “Fernando. You have two seconds before I hang up the phone.”
“No, it’s just…embarrassing.”
“With the amount of groping you and Sergio do in public, Fernando, I wasn’t aware that you had any shame.”
“It’s a kama sutra book.”
There’s just silence.
“Well, an illustrated one. What do you think?”
More silence.
“Xabi?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just too early to be dealing with this.” And he hangs up, buries his head in the pillow and tries to convince himself that this was just a horrible dream.
3. “Xabi, I’m stuck!”
“What? Who is this?”
“I’m stuck in the bathroom, Xabi! Help meeeeeee!”
“Sergio?”
“Yes! Xabi, I’m panicking!”
“Yes, I can see that. Just calm down.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN CALM DOWN?! I AM LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM.”
“I don’t understand why you’re calling me. Joaquín’s your roommate.”
“You know an earthquake couldn’t wake him up once he falls asleep. I’ve already tried calling him seven times! XABI. HELP ME.”
“Okay, Sergio, I really need you to calm down. You’re sounding a little hysterical.”
“Sounding hysterical? I AM HYSTERICAL, YOU STUPID LOGICAL MAN. Just get me OUT!”
“How the hell did you get stuck in there?”
“I don’t know! I just keep pulling and pulling and the door won’t move!”
Oh, for god’s sake. Xabi sighs. “Sergio, have you tried pushing the door?”
There is a brief silence and then, “Well, what kind of fucking door pushes out?”
“Many doors do that.”
“Shut up.” And he hangs up.
Xabi groans. He really needed a new number.
4. “Do you think I could pull off red cleats?”
“David?”
“Yeah?”
“No, I mean…is this David?”
“Of course it’s David, who else would it be?” Even though he’s the one calling at an ungodly hour, David still has the audacity to sound annoyed.
“What…what do you want?”
“I already told you. Red shoes. Can I pull it off? Yes? No?”
“What?”
“What the fuck, Xabi? Are you always this slow?”
“I don’t…I don’t understand. Why are you calling me at this hour to ask me that?”
“Because. You’re the only one who’ll be honest. The others will either be too polite to tell me the truth or they’ll tell me to get it to mess with me.”
“I see.”
“So what do you think?”
“Well…it would look good when you’re on international duty.”
“That’s true…”
“You could buy it for when you play for internationals then.”
“Yeah…but there’s this blue pair too. Blue or red?”
Xabi groans silently. Was it too much to ask to get a few hours of sleep? “I don’t know, David. It’s your call.”
“But it’s hard! They both look really good!”
“Fine. Red. I think it would suit you better.”
“…I like the blue ones better.”
“David.”
“Ugh. I mean, red, Xabi? Really? I look like an idiot. Thanks for nothing!”
Xabi just stares at the phone in his hand after David hangs up. He decides he needs to be more like Íker and start telling them all to fuck off. But Xabi feels guilty just thinking about doing that.
5. “Why are you whispering?”
“I think there’s a killer in my house.”
“Sergio, is this a joke?”
“No! I swear! Nando and I were watching a movie about how this serial killer breaks into people’s houses in the middle of the night, and kills them in their sleep. And I just woke up, and Nando’s missing! Someone killed him, Xabi!”
“He’s probably just in the bathroom.”
“I’m not stupid. I checked. He’s gone! The killer killed him and is getting rid of his body. And then I’m next.”
“Sergio, that makes no sense at all. It would be more logical to kill both of you at once and then dispose of the bodies.”
Sergio squeaks. “How can you think about logic when Fernando is dead?”
“He’s not dead. I’m sure he’s somewhere in the house. Just call out his name and you’ll find out where he is.”
“What? No way! That’ll give away my hiding spot and the killer will find me.”
“Your hiding…you’re hiding?”
“Yes. In the closet. With a lamp.”
“A lamp?”
“Yes. I need a weapon to protect myself.”
“Sergio, if you’re so sure it’s a killer, why don’t you call the police?”
“Xabi, you’re not helping me! Stop being logical and tell me I’ll be okay.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Sshhh! He just came into the room!”
“It’s probably just Fer―”
“He’s coming closer! Xabi, he knows my name!”
“Yeah, because it’s not a killer. It’s―”
Xabi hears a shriek, followed by a crash and “Owwww! My eye! What the fuck, Sergio?!” He doesn’t wait to hear the rest, he just hangs up. Decides that when he wakes up, he’s getting a new number and not telling any of them what it is.
----------------------------------------
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Characters: Random members of La Selección
Word Count: 1,425
Rating: PG. Swearing, but that's about it.
Disclaimer: Not true. Never met them, don’t own them, etc, etc. You know the drill.
Author’s Notes: I have no idea how it got this long. To be honest, I don't think I did Xabi any justice. But still. I hope it's not too bad.
1. “Hello?”
“Xabi!”
Xabi groans. He really needed to turn his ringer off. “Cesc? Do you know what time it is?”
There’s a pause. “Ummm.” Another pause. And finally, a giggle and, “No.”
“It’s three, Cesc. Normal people don’t call anyone at this time.”
“What? You mean you’re not awake?”
“Why would I be awake at three in the morning?”
“Not sexing up Mr. Steven Gerrard tonight then?”
“Cesc.”
He just hears giggling at the other end.
Xabi sighs. “Are you drunk?”
There’s more giggling. “Why would you think I’m― I’m not…you know. That thing that you said I am.” He giggles. “Drunk! There! Yes. I’m not drunk. You know what I am?”
“What?”
“I’m Cesc! Get it? ‘Cause that’s my name so that’s what I am.” He giggles. “It’s like ummm, uhhh…Íker’s ad! I am what I am. And what I am is Cesc!” He laughs and then Xabi hears him cursing. “Ooops, I almost fell off my chair. That would’ve hurt.”
“Cesc, are you at home?”
“Who? Me?”
“Yes, Cesc, of course you, I’m not talking to anyone else.”
“Really? You’re just talking to me?”
“Yes, Cesc,” Xabi says patiently. “You have my undivided attention.”
“Awww.” More giggling. “I love you, Xabi! You are awesome and ummm” ―there’s a long pause and Xabi thinks that Cesc has hung up, when all of a sudden― “squishy! You are awesome and squishy. I will have to squish you the next time I see you, ‘kay?”
“Sure, Cesc.” Xabi rolls his eyes. “Where are you?”
“Ummm…out at ummm…yes.”
Xabi looks up towards the ceiling. Really? he thinks. I’m really losing sleep over this?
“Are you with anyone?”
“Yes. I’m with…the ummm guy. With the hair and ummm stuff.”
“That’s a really clear description, Cesc, thanks. Does the Umm Guy have a name?”
“Sure!”
Before he can ask what it is, Xabi hears a scuffle and someone saying, “Cesc! Who did you call? It’s three in the morning! I just told you to sit still while I went to the bathroom.”
Xabi hears Cesc giggle. “But Xabi doesn’t mind!”
Like hell he didn’t mind. He had training tomorrow!
“Xabi?”
Xabi frowns at the somewhat familiar voice. “Who is this?” He hears Cesc say, “Robin, waaaait!” before the other man can answer.
“I am so sorry that he called you.” Robin sounds mortified. “I just left him alone for a few minutes, I really didn’t think he’d call anyone.”
Xabi tells him it’s okay and hangs up. Before he falls back asleep, he briefly entertains the idea of changing his number and not telling Cesc.
2. “Hi, Xabi!”
Xabi can’t even bring himself to open his eyes. “Uhhh…what?”
“Are you sleeping?” Fernando makes it sound like the idea of actually being asleep at this time is completely absurd.
“Isn’t it like 4 in the morning?”
“It’s three. Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re already sleeping. You’re such a grandfather.”
Xabi rolls over, the phone still pressed to his ear. “What is it, Nando?”
“I think I found a good Christmas gift for Sergio.”
Xabi is silent.
“Xabi?”
“I’m trying to convince myself that you didn’t call me at this time to ask about a Christmas present.”
“It’s important. If I order before 6 A.M., I qualify for free shipping.”
“Why are you calling me? Why don’t you just ask Sergio?”
“Because it wouldn’t be a surprise then! God, I thought you were the one with common sense, Xabi.”
Xabi sighs. “Just…what is it, Nando? What is this great gift idea?”
Fernando pauses. “I don’t want to say.”
“…You call me up at three in the morning because you want to talk to me about Sergio’s gift? And now…you don’t want to say?” Xabi says all of this slowly. “Fernando. You have two seconds before I hang up the phone.”
“No, it’s just…embarrassing.”
“With the amount of groping you and Sergio do in public, Fernando, I wasn’t aware that you had any shame.”
“It’s a kama sutra book.”
There’s just silence.
“Well, an illustrated one. What do you think?”
More silence.
“Xabi?”
“I’m sorry. It’s just too early to be dealing with this.” And he hangs up, buries his head in the pillow and tries to convince himself that this was just a horrible dream.
3. “Xabi, I’m stuck!”
“What? Who is this?”
“I’m stuck in the bathroom, Xabi! Help meeeeeee!”
“Sergio?”
“Yes! Xabi, I’m panicking!”
“Yes, I can see that. Just calm down.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN CALM DOWN?! I AM LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM.”
“I don’t understand why you’re calling me. Joaquín’s your roommate.”
“You know an earthquake couldn’t wake him up once he falls asleep. I’ve already tried calling him seven times! XABI. HELP ME.”
“Okay, Sergio, I really need you to calm down. You’re sounding a little hysterical.”
“Sounding hysterical? I AM HYSTERICAL, YOU STUPID LOGICAL MAN. Just get me OUT!”
“How the hell did you get stuck in there?”
“I don’t know! I just keep pulling and pulling and the door won’t move!”
Oh, for god’s sake. Xabi sighs. “Sergio, have you tried pushing the door?”
There is a brief silence and then, “Well, what kind of fucking door pushes out?”
“Many doors do that.”
“Shut up.” And he hangs up.
Xabi groans. He really needed a new number.
4. “Do you think I could pull off red cleats?”
“David?”
“Yeah?”
“No, I mean…is this David?”
“Of course it’s David, who else would it be?” Even though he’s the one calling at an ungodly hour, David still has the audacity to sound annoyed.
“What…what do you want?”
“I already told you. Red shoes. Can I pull it off? Yes? No?”
“What?”
“What the fuck, Xabi? Are you always this slow?”
“I don’t…I don’t understand. Why are you calling me at this hour to ask me that?”
“Because. You’re the only one who’ll be honest. The others will either be too polite to tell me the truth or they’ll tell me to get it to mess with me.”
“I see.”
“So what do you think?”
“Well…it would look good when you’re on international duty.”
“That’s true…”
“You could buy it for when you play for internationals then.”
“Yeah…but there’s this blue pair too. Blue or red?”
Xabi groans silently. Was it too much to ask to get a few hours of sleep? “I don’t know, David. It’s your call.”
“But it’s hard! They both look really good!”
“Fine. Red. I think it would suit you better.”
“…I like the blue ones better.”
“David.”
“Ugh. I mean, red, Xabi? Really? I look like an idiot. Thanks for nothing!”
Xabi just stares at the phone in his hand after David hangs up. He decides he needs to be more like Íker and start telling them all to fuck off. But Xabi feels guilty just thinking about doing that.
5. “Why are you whispering?”
“I think there’s a killer in my house.”
“Sergio, is this a joke?”
“No! I swear! Nando and I were watching a movie about how this serial killer breaks into people’s houses in the middle of the night, and kills them in their sleep. And I just woke up, and Nando’s missing! Someone killed him, Xabi!”
“He’s probably just in the bathroom.”
“I’m not stupid. I checked. He’s gone! The killer killed him and is getting rid of his body. And then I’m next.”
“Sergio, that makes no sense at all. It would be more logical to kill both of you at once and then dispose of the bodies.”
Sergio squeaks. “How can you think about logic when Fernando is dead?”
“He’s not dead. I’m sure he’s somewhere in the house. Just call out his name and you’ll find out where he is.”
“What? No way! That’ll give away my hiding spot and the killer will find me.”
“Your hiding…you’re hiding?”
“Yes. In the closet. With a lamp.”
“A lamp?”
“Yes. I need a weapon to protect myself.”
“Sergio, if you’re so sure it’s a killer, why don’t you call the police?”
“Xabi, you’re not helping me! Stop being logical and tell me I’ll be okay.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Sshhh! He just came into the room!”
“It’s probably just Fer―”
“He’s coming closer! Xabi, he knows my name!”
“Yeah, because it’s not a killer. It’s―”
Xabi hears a shriek, followed by a crash and “Owwww! My eye! What the fuck, Sergio?!” He doesn’t wait to hear the rest, he just hangs up. Decides that when he wakes up, he’s getting a new number and not telling any of them what it is.
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