Not a failure
Last night I had a really good talk with Stefan. We talked about our fears. He said he knew I was depressed and anxious because that's all I'd told him. I guess I never told him I was feeling scared and angry almost all the time. He said he could see that almost everything was setting me off lately. By the end of the night I realized that things had started going rapidly downhill the closer it got to the 10 year mark of the end of high school. Told him it felt like the anniversary of my failures. We talked it through and he assured me that just because I didn't complete my degree I am in no way a failure. After some time to myself I realized one of the big reasons that I may have been so depressed my jr/sr year and why I ended up not finishing it. I felt alone at home. I let myself get sucked into my friend's dramas because I felt needed that way, or at the very least apart of something. Mom and Dad were always working so much when I was growing up, I was used to that. But once I hit high school their interest in me seemed to wain. So much so that when they found out that I wouldn't be able to graduate I got a talk of how disappointed they were in me and that was it. Heck I didn't even get grounded. I was still able to see my friends. I was still able to go out with Stefan. I was acting out in my still a good girl but should have gotten in trouble ways and nothing. I don't remember Mom or Dad ever wanting to discuss what I wanted to do after HS. Not really anyways. It wasn't even a big deal that I never took the SATs or ACTs.
My guidance counselor told me once that I would never graduate if I was only doing it to make other people happy. I had to do it because I wanted it. And I didn't. Somewhere inside me I knew that while it would please my parents, because that is what is expected for a HS student to do, they wouldn't make a fuss if I didn't. Mom bought invitations and an annoyed comment about wasted money was all it got when they came in. Even in my shame of being like the only one of my class not to graduate I still felt unnoticed by my parents even though I didn't know that was why I was so depressed. All I knew was I lost my will to finish school... by the end I lost a lot of interest in a lot of things I cared about. I even tried to push Stefan away multiple times.
Now I'm not saying I am upset with my parents or that I actually blame them. I don't. I am just acknowledging what was probably why I was depressed at the time and why I started feeling so depressed again as the anniversary drew nearer. It was a bad time. Not just for me. Those last two and a half years before Mom had her first MS attack I just assumed I was no longer interesting to her when in fact the MS was raking havoc on her. I'm glad I never understood why I felt the way I did because then I might have resented her for something that was never her fault, and surely something that she never intended to happen. Instead I can look back and realize it was something that was out of all our control. I am thankful that while I was having crises in my faith at the time that my faith was still solid enough to help me through my suicidal feelings. Stefan was a big help on that one too, especially with the fact that he allowed me to share my faith with him and talk through a lot of my issues I was having. It made my faith stronger and ended up bringing him to God as well.
All things happen for a reason. We may never know what that reason is but someone does. I always thought that my not graduating happened because I was needed to be around for Mom when she had her MS attack. While that might be true, I'm starting to realize it wasn't the only factor in it all. People have been able to use my shame in my lack of a High School diploma to hurt me over the years, and what a deep shame it's been. Sadly my own dark side has been one of the biggest perpetrators of this assault on my psyche. While I have accepted that I will never have a HS diploma, or probably even a GED, or a higher degree, I now need to be content in that. I have a wonderful life, two amazing little girls, and a husband that for some reason adores me. Despite my history, education is important to me. I will be open and honest with the girls about my past in hopes that my troubles and turmoils aren't repeated with them because let's face it everyone has their own.
There may be people in my life that are disappointed in me still, perhaps even a little upset, I don't know. But regarding this they don't matter, I know God has forgiven me of all my sins and it's time for me to start forgiving myself as well. My past has helped shape me into the person I am today however it can no longer be what I allow to define me. I am NOT a failure. It is time for me to start believing that.
My guidance counselor told me once that I would never graduate if I was only doing it to make other people happy. I had to do it because I wanted it. And I didn't. Somewhere inside me I knew that while it would please my parents, because that is what is expected for a HS student to do, they wouldn't make a fuss if I didn't. Mom bought invitations and an annoyed comment about wasted money was all it got when they came in. Even in my shame of being like the only one of my class not to graduate I still felt unnoticed by my parents even though I didn't know that was why I was so depressed. All I knew was I lost my will to finish school... by the end I lost a lot of interest in a lot of things I cared about. I even tried to push Stefan away multiple times.
Now I'm not saying I am upset with my parents or that I actually blame them. I don't. I am just acknowledging what was probably why I was depressed at the time and why I started feeling so depressed again as the anniversary drew nearer. It was a bad time. Not just for me. Those last two and a half years before Mom had her first MS attack I just assumed I was no longer interesting to her when in fact the MS was raking havoc on her. I'm glad I never understood why I felt the way I did because then I might have resented her for something that was never her fault, and surely something that she never intended to happen. Instead I can look back and realize it was something that was out of all our control. I am thankful that while I was having crises in my faith at the time that my faith was still solid enough to help me through my suicidal feelings. Stefan was a big help on that one too, especially with the fact that he allowed me to share my faith with him and talk through a lot of my issues I was having. It made my faith stronger and ended up bringing him to God as well.
All things happen for a reason. We may never know what that reason is but someone does. I always thought that my not graduating happened because I was needed to be around for Mom when she had her MS attack. While that might be true, I'm starting to realize it wasn't the only factor in it all. People have been able to use my shame in my lack of a High School diploma to hurt me over the years, and what a deep shame it's been. Sadly my own dark side has been one of the biggest perpetrators of this assault on my psyche. While I have accepted that I will never have a HS diploma, or probably even a GED, or a higher degree, I now need to be content in that. I have a wonderful life, two amazing little girls, and a husband that for some reason adores me. Despite my history, education is important to me. I will be open and honest with the girls about my past in hopes that my troubles and turmoils aren't repeated with them because let's face it everyone has their own.
There may be people in my life that are disappointed in me still, perhaps even a little upset, I don't know. But regarding this they don't matter, I know God has forgiven me of all my sins and it's time for me to start forgiving myself as well. My past has helped shape me into the person I am today however it can no longer be what I allow to define me. I am NOT a failure. It is time for me to start believing that.