nov 13th
so..
the 2nd and paid 550 for distributor and on the 11th on way home it broke again, gas just stopped working. had it towed again and found out timing belt broke and looking from a grand to three grand. awesome eh? and since i have no one and no rides i have spent 20$ on cabs fare so far and slept at matts after practically begging till 2am to be allowed. come ot find out travis is livng there. "we think its time for you to move out, we really want the room back" and immediately after i leave travis moves in. yeah.
im not sure what im doing with brittny. im dealing fine with her and keith, thats lovely, good for her but im not dealing fine with being alone and watching everyone else have someone. also not okay with sowing up when shes lonely to close the gap in time since keith never shows up. im lonely, i want someone to be laying around with, companionship. as much as i want to be laying around watching a movie i cant do it with brittny laying by myself wishing for things i cant have. im not okay with being some halfway back up for when he lets her down. id love to help and be helpful but thats not fair to me and its going to hurt me more than it helps me. even if she didnt have keith i dont think she'd be snuggling up with me for a movie so i dont know. im just fucking lonely now and its nearly unbearable and seems pathetic.
oddly enough the only thing i have going for me and only person i can really count on to make me feel better is melina. i've been talking to her a lot lately and shes probably my favorite person. always listens even though claims cant give advice people are rarely looking for advice, just someone who cares to be there and it goes both ways. if she was older it would be game over and life would be pretty sweet but im pretty used to things not working out easily or handily. just thankful to have someone who is around and appreciative and helpful. litereally the only thing i have going positively for me right now.
im in roanoke and im not sure if i have any way to get home or not tonight either. mom had offered me the vw last night but when i called this morning she said it hadnt been inspected and blah blah would see if she can bring it tonight. i dont see good chance of that happening and if it does she will drive it here i'll have to drive her all the way back home and then myself back up here. she also wouldnt be here when i got off work so abouther 14$ cab ride to pool hall to wait.
i've been trying harder than ever for anything ever since brittny left to try and learn, try to improve, try to get everything together and it seems like the harder i push the harder everything else pushes back. in the last month and half i...lost brittny, both places to live, got barred from pool hall, car broke twice, i watched brittny get together with keith, had melissa get my hopes up that i might not be so lonely and then back off like a moron and bakc to the relationship where she was lied to and jerked around. melissa isnt a big deal she isnt girlfriend material, but she is a girl and fairly attractive and i was going to make do with that for the moment to offset loneliness. i also lost out on two promotions and all the A+ certification stuff i wanted has been out the window since have no internet...oh yeah my external hard drive died...lost bunch of tv shows, movies...oh yeah and big minah folder thats a bit irreplaceable.
i stil kept getting up everyday and kept going to work and trying so i could improve my station in life. still kept being civil toward brittny despite her picking keith over me. still kepts going on everything but how long can that last? i AM jealous brittny never had to go through this since she had a back up person but im trying not to hold it against her, she was just smarter than me and prepared for the worst. i would say not a good show of wanting to committ but look how i treated her why would she want to? i am still upset from time to time about this because i knew she cared for him and she never said she did and this proves it but why be pissed at that at this point? i knew it in my head and thats what always made me so upset about him and i should have gone with my gut about it. but what could i do? its her life and if she has feelings for him i cant change them.
same line as always. eventually things have to turn around. eventually it has to go better. evenutally things have to stop going wrong. eventually eventually eventually. thats very vague and not good enough.
in the end not much is going right but as usual there is soemthing to keep you going. im pretty sure most people would see relying somewhat on someone who is too young for a drivers license wouldnt smart, or would be wrong but i dont have a lot of choices and shes a good bit more mature and intelligent than a lot of people i know that are 18-25. it's helping me and im helping her seems like a good deal. i still wish i could have done something for her and sisters so no ones being thrown around by drunk moms and grandmas. seems unnecessary but considering i cant even take care of myself and get around and to work lately i probably cant do anything for anyone else.
when was my life or the participants ever normal? im used to it and fine with it, also a good thing i dont care what other people think or i might be in trouble.
im running on empty, i find ymself snappy at brittny in texts, or feeling that was even if i may not sound that way. i gues i do have anger in me for what happened just trying not to let it out because i dont think she deserves it but there are times when it does and i just bitch at her or wish she'd disappear. they dont last but its frustrating. i know she doesnt mean anything harmful its just how its going to go at this point sometimes.
still no internet. jess had called direct tv we spent ages on the phone with them saturday and got nowhere, next time i'll call and be a dick, fucking ridiculous. i liek jess a lot though shes easily my best roommate as long as things stay how they are now. really nice, does me favors without being asked and i try to return it by helping her with dogs and such. her bf will be back soon, that could be interesting. he's back sunday night. but he seems nice from pictures? how much of a dick could he be to be with someone as nice as her? lets hope hes not a cunt or i might get hit again.
yeah i got hit at pool hall other night, in the face by a black guy. he's a cocksucker and was talking all kinds of shit i talked back and he threw a fit, got right nose to nose and i stared and he hit me and i talked more shit. no point in hitting back he'd have destroyed me but couldnt walk away from him id never have any respect....at least now i took his best puch didnt move, finished my pool game i was in and even won. i said something else during game and he tried to come at me and ferg stopped him and backed him up. not a big deal, i didnt make it one msot people dont even know it happened. it was a cheap shot he was so close i couldnt even see it coming till it hit me. im fine anyway.
i do have a lot of animosity towards brittny, its not intentional. she just said since keith didnt care what she does i can stay there blah blah and i said it doent amtter if he cares (because thats not what makes me no want to be there) but before i explained she said it does to her. wel i never wanted keith around and it didnt matter what i thought but apparently if he said the word i'd be gone. maybe be easier that way anyway. but he doesnt appear to care enough to care what she does or who its with.
i want to keep my plans to move to europe.
bring my movies, cds, and melina and start over.
the 2nd and paid 550 for distributor and on the 11th on way home it broke again, gas just stopped working. had it towed again and found out timing belt broke and looking from a grand to three grand. awesome eh? and since i have no one and no rides i have spent 20$ on cabs fare so far and slept at matts after practically begging till 2am to be allowed. come ot find out travis is livng there. "we think its time for you to move out, we really want the room back" and immediately after i leave travis moves in. yeah.
im not sure what im doing with brittny. im dealing fine with her and keith, thats lovely, good for her but im not dealing fine with being alone and watching everyone else have someone. also not okay with sowing up when shes lonely to close the gap in time since keith never shows up. im lonely, i want someone to be laying around with, companionship. as much as i want to be laying around watching a movie i cant do it with brittny laying by myself wishing for things i cant have. im not okay with being some halfway back up for when he lets her down. id love to help and be helpful but thats not fair to me and its going to hurt me more than it helps me. even if she didnt have keith i dont think she'd be snuggling up with me for a movie so i dont know. im just fucking lonely now and its nearly unbearable and seems pathetic.
oddly enough the only thing i have going for me and only person i can really count on to make me feel better is melina. i've been talking to her a lot lately and shes probably my favorite person. always listens even though claims cant give advice people are rarely looking for advice, just someone who cares to be there and it goes both ways. if she was older it would be game over and life would be pretty sweet but im pretty used to things not working out easily or handily. just thankful to have someone who is around and appreciative and helpful. litereally the only thing i have going positively for me right now.
im in roanoke and im not sure if i have any way to get home or not tonight either. mom had offered me the vw last night but when i called this morning she said it hadnt been inspected and blah blah would see if she can bring it tonight. i dont see good chance of that happening and if it does she will drive it here i'll have to drive her all the way back home and then myself back up here. she also wouldnt be here when i got off work so abouther 14$ cab ride to pool hall to wait.
i've been trying harder than ever for anything ever since brittny left to try and learn, try to improve, try to get everything together and it seems like the harder i push the harder everything else pushes back. in the last month and half i...lost brittny, both places to live, got barred from pool hall, car broke twice, i watched brittny get together with keith, had melissa get my hopes up that i might not be so lonely and then back off like a moron and bakc to the relationship where she was lied to and jerked around. melissa isnt a big deal she isnt girlfriend material, but she is a girl and fairly attractive and i was going to make do with that for the moment to offset loneliness. i also lost out on two promotions and all the A+ certification stuff i wanted has been out the window since have no internet...oh yeah my external hard drive died...lost bunch of tv shows, movies...oh yeah and big minah folder thats a bit irreplaceable.
i stil kept getting up everyday and kept going to work and trying so i could improve my station in life. still kept being civil toward brittny despite her picking keith over me. still kepts going on everything but how long can that last? i AM jealous brittny never had to go through this since she had a back up person but im trying not to hold it against her, she was just smarter than me and prepared for the worst. i would say not a good show of wanting to committ but look how i treated her why would she want to? i am still upset from time to time about this because i knew she cared for him and she never said she did and this proves it but why be pissed at that at this point? i knew it in my head and thats what always made me so upset about him and i should have gone with my gut about it. but what could i do? its her life and if she has feelings for him i cant change them.
same line as always. eventually things have to turn around. eventually it has to go better. evenutally things have to stop going wrong. eventually eventually eventually. thats very vague and not good enough.
in the end not much is going right but as usual there is soemthing to keep you going. im pretty sure most people would see relying somewhat on someone who is too young for a drivers license wouldnt smart, or would be wrong but i dont have a lot of choices and shes a good bit more mature and intelligent than a lot of people i know that are 18-25. it's helping me and im helping her seems like a good deal. i still wish i could have done something for her and sisters so no ones being thrown around by drunk moms and grandmas. seems unnecessary but considering i cant even take care of myself and get around and to work lately i probably cant do anything for anyone else.
when was my life or the participants ever normal? im used to it and fine with it, also a good thing i dont care what other people think or i might be in trouble.
im running on empty, i find ymself snappy at brittny in texts, or feeling that was even if i may not sound that way. i gues i do have anger in me for what happened just trying not to let it out because i dont think she deserves it but there are times when it does and i just bitch at her or wish she'd disappear. they dont last but its frustrating. i know she doesnt mean anything harmful its just how its going to go at this point sometimes.
still no internet. jess had called direct tv we spent ages on the phone with them saturday and got nowhere, next time i'll call and be a dick, fucking ridiculous. i liek jess a lot though shes easily my best roommate as long as things stay how they are now. really nice, does me favors without being asked and i try to return it by helping her with dogs and such. her bf will be back soon, that could be interesting. he's back sunday night. but he seems nice from pictures? how much of a dick could he be to be with someone as nice as her? lets hope hes not a cunt or i might get hit again.
yeah i got hit at pool hall other night, in the face by a black guy. he's a cocksucker and was talking all kinds of shit i talked back and he threw a fit, got right nose to nose and i stared and he hit me and i talked more shit. no point in hitting back he'd have destroyed me but couldnt walk away from him id never have any respect....at least now i took his best puch didnt move, finished my pool game i was in and even won. i said something else during game and he tried to come at me and ferg stopped him and backed him up. not a big deal, i didnt make it one msot people dont even know it happened. it was a cheap shot he was so close i couldnt even see it coming till it hit me. im fine anyway.
i do have a lot of animosity towards brittny, its not intentional. she just said since keith didnt care what she does i can stay there blah blah and i said it doent amtter if he cares (because thats not what makes me no want to be there) but before i explained she said it does to her. wel i never wanted keith around and it didnt matter what i thought but apparently if he said the word i'd be gone. maybe be easier that way anyway. but he doesnt appear to care enough to care what she does or who its with.
i want to keep my plans to move to europe.
bring my movies, cds, and melina and start over.