FIC: Push/Pull, Yagyuu/Niou, NC17 (14/14)
Title: Push/Pull (14/14)
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14]
One day, Niou stops speaking to him.
Yagyuu asks "Are you all right?" before he goes to work. He sends Niou text messages at lunch time, and between patients. He comes home and Niou never answers.
His eyes are distant.
Yagyuu sighs.
He buys Niou flowers. Years ago, Niou said he hated them. Now, Niou says nothing. Yagyuu doesn't find roses or carnation bouquets in the trash bin. The flowers sit in vases in the kitchen. They wilt as the weather cools.
Yagyuu's bed is cold.
He rolls over at night. He reaches for Niou. He touches the nape of Niou's neck, where his skin is soft and smooth. Yagyuu traces the characters for love and please into Niou's arms. Niou is stiff. His breathing is too rhythmic. Yagyuu swallows.
"Niou-kun?" he asks. "May I…?"
Niou's breathing pauses.
Yagyuu blinks. Without his glasses, he's blind. Niou is a series of interwoven, blurred shapes. They dissolve into shadows. The lump in Yagyuu's throat only gets worse.
Don't hate me, he thinks. Yagyuu lays awake and watches the shadows move across the ceiling. When the grey light of dawn creeps in through the window, and Ryuu pads outside their room for his morning walk, Yagyuu rolls off the futon. Filmy exhaustion sticks to his body.
He works longer hours. The bills stop coming as frequently. Yagyuu leaves them on the table. Niou snoops-Yagyuu knows this. He thinks, Niou-kun should be pleased.
Constantly, Niou drifts in Yagyuu's thoughts. He is there. He is, at the same time, intangible. Yagyuu gives up the fitful attempts at sex. It's not just his balls that ache. He stops sneaking into the toilet room. Instead, he lies in the liquid darkness of their room. The small heater is too close to the window to do much, except spout dust. Sometimes in the incandescent glow, Yagyuu can hear Niou sniffle.
Yagyuu reaches for his dick. His erection burns. He rubs it. He pulls. He squeezes and tugs until he comes. He pants and his feet dig into the futon mattress. Yagyuu groans. Niou's name is always on his lips.
If Niou dreams at night, he doesn't dream of Yagyuu.
It’s been eighteen years coming. Yagyuu wonders if it should have happened earlier.
***
He and Sanada volley a ball back and forth. The courts are dry and frozen. The net is taught. Yagyuu slugs the ball to Sanada. Sanada's breath puffs in the air. He dashes right. His eyes narrow under his cap.
Yagyuu leans back. He swings his arm. He grinds his teeth and plants his feet.
He hits the ball so hard that neither one of them can pry it out of the fence.
Sanada wipes at his forehead with an Asics sweat towel. It's the same brand that endorses Yukimura.
Yagyuu stands under the weak sun. His arms are cold to the touch. His fingertips are numb. He circles his shoulder. The muscle is tight.
Sanada looks at Yagyuu. "If you can't fix something, you have to let it go."
Yagyuu can feel his eyes sting. He closes them slowly. Winter dries everything out. The cold film of frost creeps around the edges of the court. It seeps up in through Yagyuu's gym socks. He shivers.
"Who told you that?" Yagyuu asks. His voice is brittle.
Sanada's face softens. His mouth curls up into a crooked almost-smile. "Andy couldn't fix his pasokon."
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. He swallows. He narrows his eyes. He zips his racket into its cover. "I don't know what you are talking about."
***
He lies.
***
Yagyuu says, "Do what you need to."
He tries to speak with his eyes: I love you, Niou-kun. I trust you. His vision is slipping. His eyes swim and his glasses fall down. I don't care what you do. I don't care what you did, I love you.
(I won't force you to stay)
Niou half-turns. He's standing in the kitchen. Hiromi is crouched on the floor across the room. The spoon clinks against the dog food can for a moment too long.
Yagyuu presses his palm to the sink. The stainless steel is coated with soap residue. There is a vase with sweet pea flowers beside the rice cooker. Yagyuu doesn't remember giving them to Niou.
When Yagyuu goes to bed, Niou is there beside him. There is a space of a foot between their futons. Yagyuu reaches out. Then he hesitates. His stomach doesn't settle. He swallows, and the vestiges of fluoride make him ill.
In the morning, he wakes up. The futon beside him is cold. Yagyuu's heart drags an empty path through his chest. It is dim outside, but there won't be a sun.
No note sits on the table, or taped to the refrigerator. Instead, Niou's cellphone is folded up on the counter by the sink. Beside it, is a ring. The petals of the sweet pea flowers are turning brown. Yagyuu eats cold rice in the dark. The chair is infinitely hard. The liquid tick of the clock is infinitely long.
It is cold out today. Fat, wet snow begins to drip from the sky. Yagyuu wipes the windshield of the Toyota. Something slides down his face.
He isn't sure if it's just the snow.
***
On Niou's birthday, Yagyuu calls into the office. Suzuki-san answers with a cheerful hello.
"I'm not coming in today," Yagyuu says.
Then he hangs up.
(I still want you. I still love you. Happy birthday, Niou-kun…)
***
Yukimura offers to play tennis with Yagyuu. Sanada does the same. "It's the off-season," Yukimura says. "Give me your all, Yagyuu."
Yagyuu plays until he can't feel his hands. His body throbs with numbness. Yukimura stumbles to a bench. Sweat streams down his face.
"Are you doing okay?" Yukimura asks. He flips his cellphone out and smiles at the LCD screen. Yagyuu glances over. He balls his fist. The wallpaper is picture of Sanada and their son and the scarlet maples of autumn behind them.
"You know," Yukimura says. Yagyuu sits down on the bench next to Yukimura. Yukimura's back moulds to the contours of the seat. Yagyuu sits up straight. "Sanada's pregnant again."
Yagyuu tries to smile. With the back of his hand he wipes the sweat from his forehead. The wetness won’t leave.
Yukimura's smile slides off his face. "Are you okay, Yagyuu?"
"I'm fine," Yagyuu says. His voice echoes on the empty court. His sneaker squeaks on the wood floor.
Yukimura shakes his head. He holds Yagyuu's hand up.
Blood streams down to his wrist from tiny half-moon marks on his palm.
Yagyuu dabs at them with a handkerchief. "It's fine," he says.
***
Kirihara invites Yagyuu for drinks and billiards.
Yagyuu declines.
Kirihara calls the next day. "Er…you wanna play golf, Yagyuu-senpai? Just us?"
Kirihara makes holes in ten. "Aw, shit," he says. The lines of concentration are written across his forehead. Kirihara sticks his tongue out and bites it. He lines up another shot with the driving iron.
Yagyuu almost smiles.
Instead, Yagyuu hits his next shot so hard that the ball dissolves into the sky.
***
Yanagi says Yagyuu and his children are welcome to come over for tea-or curry dinner-any time.
Yagyuu says thank you. He reheats the leftover tamagoyaki that Niou's mom dropped off two nights ago. Then he deletes Yanagi's message from the voice mail.
***
Jackal brings a pot of beans over. And Jennie.
Jennie plays with Masako and Haruka in the garden. Ryuu digs holes. Dirt and earthworms are flung through the air. It all lands onto the cement pathway. Yukimura came over last week to trim the hydrangea and lilac bushes. The buds will be out soon.
Jackal lugs the pot into the kitchen. He heaves it onto the counter. Yagyuu watches Jackal stretch his fingers out. His breasts bounce.
"Do you think you guys'll get divorced, or something?" Jackal asks.
When Yagyuu doesn't answer, Jackal winces and says sorry.
"No, I apologize," Yagyuu says. His voice sounds hollow.
He isn't sorry, though.
***
Marui has the excuse that, "Jackal says these give him junk in the trunk." He opens the box to inhale. His nostrils flare and his eyelashes flutter. "La crème de la crème of cupcakes, Hiroshi." He offers Yagyuu a hesitant smile. "There's two dozen, enough for everyone and then some."
Yagyuu nods.
Marui opens his mouth. He takes a deep breath, then he shakes his head. Yagyuu blinks. He pushes his glasses up. Marui doesn't say anything more until Masako walks into the room. "Ken needs a new diaper, so I'll go change it, Dad," she says.
Marui pulls a magazine from his jacket. He slips it to Yagyuu with shifty eyes and a nudge to the side. "The latest issue of Buxom Babes. It's got Ria Dicksalot this month. You'll like it."
A woman poses on the cover. She has her hands splayed across her nipples. Her breasts are unnaturally round. Her lips are unnaturally red. Marui waggles his eyebrows for a moment. Yagyuu thins his lips.
"You have needs," Marui says. His voice drops. It's serious, and his eyes are steady. "If you need anything, just ask. No worries. No questions. My friend in Vietnam has some cute friends. They're talking about coming up to Tokyo to visit again."
Yagyuu says thank you.
Marui doesn't joke about sugar or booty or sweet Vietnamese coconuts. He pauses at the doorway. His Adam's Apple bobs. Marui stops at the threshold to look back. "It's not your fault," he says. "I know it, Hiroshi."
***
He works so late that some nights he doesn't come home.
Suzuki-san stays to help clean up. She washes picks and drill bits. Yagyuu files the records in the locked cabinet. He walks to the back of the office to grab his coat. Grey shadows cling to the walls. The lights have been switched off.
Suzuki-san pulls him into the closet.
Yagyuu lets himself stay. The door is wide open, but everyone else has gone home. The air purification filter rattles. Suzuki-san makes a high-pitched noise. She tastes of nothing. Yagyuu slips a hand under her uniform skirt. He finds only her hairless pussy.
His eyes snap open.
Suzuki-san giggles. "I've been waiting so long for you, Yagyuu-sensei." She kisses his ear. She licks the shell, and inside it. Yagyuu shivers. It's slimy and hot.
Her small fingers unzip his trousers. Her fingers knead his erection. Yagyuu grunts. He hisses. She climbs onto his dick. Yagyuu pushes her into the closet wall. A roll of paper towels falls to the floor, followed by a box of latex gloves. She licks her lips. Her eyes are wide and her face is round. Yagyuu fucks her. Her pussy is tight. It feels good. A shudder runs through his body. Yagyuu pushes harder.
She makes all sorts of noises. They grate Yagyuu's ears. She squeaks and giggles. She squirms. Yagyuu digs his hands into her hips. He shoves her hard into the wall. Keep still! Her kisses mess his glasses up. He slams her back again. She won't stop moving in all the wrong ways. Her body is bony and her breasts are flat and hard.
Yagyuu closes his eyes. He thrusts harder, and faster. His heart pounds. He pants.
She screams so loud the office neighbours can hear.
He goes soft. Yagyuu doesn't apologize.
Suzuki-san sinks to her knees. Yagyuu fucks her mouth until she gags.
He goes home. In the shower, he burns the memory of her from his body.
Yagyuu slips under the futon by himself. For the first time, he cries when he thinks of Niou.
***
Sanada phones. The call is punctuated by long silences, and the cry of a newborn.
"I got a postcard from America," he says. "It's from Illinois."
Yagyuu stares at the floor. Ryuu paws at his leg.
"It's not signed. I…thought you should know."
***
An opening for a position at the Kannai Clinic for Cosmetic Dentistry is circulated around in a newsletter for the local dentist association. Yagyuu picks it up from the mailbox, along with the clinic's magazine subscriptions. His eyes skim the information. He tucks it into his bag.
Suzuki-san has a sly smile for Yagyuu from the counter. "Good morning, Yagyuu-sensei," she says.
Yagyuu wonders if she's wearing underpants today. When Suzuki-san walks to the back rooms with a patient, her hips sashay. Yagyuu gets his answer. He sets the magazines down.
He fucks her again once, or twice. Suzuki-san offers to stay late. Yagyuu doesn't say no.
A letter comes in the mail first. Suzuki-san is the one who opens it. It's morning. Yagyuu sips on a tea from Starbucks (Marui gave him a 'family' discount today). Iwatani walks in and yawns. Yagyuu says hello.
Yagyuu goes to the front counter to collect his list of patients. Suzuki-san holds the letter up. "You're leaving?" she asks. Her lip trembles. There are tears watering her eyes.
Iwatani says, "So you're accepting the position?"
Yagyuu doesn't bother to look at Suzuki-san. He pushes his glases up the bridge of his nose. A cold smile curls over his lips. "I am."
***
Suzuki-san phones his cell.
Yagyuu blocks the number.
Niou's mom announces that dinner is ready. Ten pairs of feet run into the kitchen. Yagyuu picks up the baby. He straps Ken into the high chair. Niou's mom sets down a bowl of rice and stewed fish.
"Important call?" Niou's mom asks. Her eyes haven't lost the glimmer of hope. Across the table, Hiroshi Jr looks to his younger brothers.
Yagyuu shakes his head. "It was nothing."
***
The walls of Kannai Clinic are painted pale blue. It's in an old brick building of the western-style. Yagyuu can smell the salty harbour from his new office. He sets out eleven pictures on his desk. They all look the same-except for Haruka, who died her hair green last month.
(There is one photo that Yagyuu leaves at home. The corners are dented and dog-eared from twenty years of being folded, unfolded and moved from frame to frame. The colours of the jerseys are fading into a sepia-tinged time. Niou's smirk remains as it bleeds into the background. His eyebrow is raised. Well? he says. He's twelve years old in the moment forever)
Yagyuu leans back in his chair. His elbow brushes the house plant on the window sill. It sucks up the light into spidery green leaves.
The dental hygienist working with Yagyuu is a middle-aged woman. She scuttles around in a pair of beige crocs. Her smile is forgettable, and so is her name.
The Clinic's director looks at Yagyuu. "How does the clinic suit you, Yagyuu-sensei?"
Yagyuu smiles and says this is perfect.
***
Hiromi suggests it.
It is too early in the year for real snow. Fat flakes fall anyway. They melt on contact, but they stick to the shoulders of Yagyuu's wool coat. The snowfall dulls the sound of the traffic. Under Yagyuu's shoes, the mud is beginning to freeze. His soles still imprint for now.
Hiromi walks beside him. His face is a mask. Snow flakes gather on the top of his glasses. They slid down the lenses, and gather on his cheeks.
Neither of them says anything. Yagyuu breathes in, and out. Hiromi takes another step. The forest behind the park is half-naked. The leaves shiver from brances on their own. They fall and mix with the snow. The snow flakes grow and clump, falling like cotton.
Yagyuu doesn't know this place. It is any other park out the suburbs. The swing set is empty. The merry-go-round creaks. Its primary colours are frozen.
Hiromi stuffs his hands in his pockets. He keeps walking. Yagyuu glance toward him. Beyond the edge of his lens, he can't see the details of Hiromi's face. At the edge of the park, behind the swing set and the row of busy trees, a pathway weaves around the mountain. Jizo statues line the path. There is a pair of footprints in the mud solidifying-someone else has been here this morning.
The air has a pleasant chill. Yagyuu breathes it in and it bites his face. He touches the top of his new cellphone in his pocket. The clinic hasn't called today.
"Do you think Mom will ever come back?" Hiromi asks. His words hang.
Yagyuu is quiet. They walk further along the path. Some of the Jizo statues have leaves in their laps. Hiromi picks them out. They round a bend in the pathway. Yagyuu steps over a root.
Three more Jizo statues have white flowers. Hiromi's footsteps stop. Yagyuu turns around. His heart is heavy and he's not sure why. The blank look across Hiromi's face is a mirror of Niou's: it's the same nose, the same chin, the same shape.
Yagyuu sucks in a breath. He blinks. Hiromi's crooked smile is Niou's, too, but his glasses aren't. Neither is his mole, which is too high on his cheek. His hair is dusted with the snow puffs. "Dad," he says.
The snow falls.
"You know Mom had a bunch of abortions, right?"
The forest rustles. The snow is silent, but the last autumn leaves aren't.
"After me." Hiromi plays with one of the flowers in a Jizo's lap. He pulls at the petals until one breaks loose. He lifts his head to the side. Niou used to do the same thing when he was thinking.
"I think she stopped because it made her feel guilty," he says.
The Jizo statues have frozen smiles. Yagyuu touches them. He strokes the weathered stone with a fingertip. He wonders how many more secrets Niou had. Yagyuu doesn't think he wants to know.
"For…them?" Yagyuu asks.
Hiromi shakes his head.
"For you."
***
There is a stretch of heads as far as a tennis court. He looks through the crowd. Their whispers drone into a single swarm, like insects. At the back-not quite as hidden as it should be-is a head of bleached hair. He smiles to himself, and then he climbs the steps to the stage. The school's headmaster shakes his hand. The diploma is rolled up in a tube of faux-leather.
So you came after all, he thinks. He smiles through the hard lump in his chest. He glances back out into the crowd, but the bleached hair has disappeared.
He sits with the rest of his class until the end of the ceremony. He picks at the hem of his school blazer. The button is missing on the right wrist.
Natsuko is the first one to walk up to him. The crowd scatters and she smiles at him. Her hair is down today. She looks pretty. He thinks about her long hair brushed over her naked shoulder when they're alone. His dick stiffens.
"Congratulations," he says.
"The same to you," she says. She pokes Hiromi in the side with her diploma tube. "Number five in our year is pretty good." Around her neck is a chain with his school button.
Hiromi rolls his eyes. "Piyo. You like to rub it in, don't you?"
She chews on her tongue. A grin breaks out over her face. "I can't help it if I'm better than you, Yagyuu."
Hiromi pushes his glasses up. Natsuko laughs and says she can see him smiling, too. She takes his hand and he can breathe easy.
Outside, the weather is bright and sunny. The clouds hang low-it'll rain tonight. The sakura blossoms will fall to the ground. For now, everything is right. Hiromi shakes his grandfather's hand. He hugs his grandmother when she congratulates him. Natsuko nods her head. Her parents are somewhere in the clustered crowds.
She pulls on his hand. She pulls out her cellphone. Hiromi makes a face at the camera and she pushes the button. They walk between the trees on campus. The ground is spongy and damp. Hiromi's shoes sink. He takes one last look at the tennis courts.
The trophy he won the team sits in the club house. A pair of crows sits on top of the club house roof.
See ya, he thinks.
Hiromi turns to Natsuko. The breeze plays with her hair. She raises her eyebrows. He starts to ask, "What should we do toni-"
She cuts in. "Is that…?" She blinks. "Look!"
Natsuko points to someone standing under the old willow tree. The fingerling branches hang down-it's hard to see. Hiromi knows already. He watches his dad duck under the tree. It's been a year and a half. The two stand two feet apart. For the longest moment, Hiromi holds a breath.
His mom is the one to step forward first. Her shoulders are slouched and she's leaning on her left foot. The light dapples her face, but she's darker and thinner than Hiromi remembers. Then his dad reaches out to pull her hand from one of her pockets.
He thinks about the postcard from Australia than came in August. It showed up in the mailbox two days before his birthday. There was no signature; there was no need.
Hiromi turns away from his parents. He takes Natsuko's hand. They walk around the perimeter of the tennis courts. The crows fly up off the club house roof. Their wings rustle as they disappear into the clouds. Black feathers distintegrate into the sweet spring air.
Natsuko frowns. "Do you think they'll get back together?"
"They have a lot of issues I don't want to know about," he says.
Natsuko looks at him. Her hair stirs, and the red hair clip starts to slip. Hiromi touches her chin. She's tall enough to look him straight in the eye when she wears flats. He pulls at the sides of her lips and pushes them up into a sort-of-smile.
He says, "I know they will."
~fin~
Author: Ociwen
Rating: NC17
Warning: Everything you can possibly think of, and then some. Spoilers for 40.5 and the entire series.
Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, except for Marui's crocs.
Summary: Niou is a girl, and everything pushed to the edge.
Author's Notes: This is one-shot fic related to Dénoument, We'll Always Have Kanagawa and Accidentally All Right. The fics can be read separately, but they make more sense together. Written for Niou's birthday 2008. Happy Birthday Niou!
This fic has been truncated into 14 parts due to length. The parts are NOT chapters. This is a one-shot fic.
[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14]
One day, Niou stops speaking to him.
Yagyuu asks "Are you all right?" before he goes to work. He sends Niou text messages at lunch time, and between patients. He comes home and Niou never answers.
His eyes are distant.
Yagyuu sighs.
He buys Niou flowers. Years ago, Niou said he hated them. Now, Niou says nothing. Yagyuu doesn't find roses or carnation bouquets in the trash bin. The flowers sit in vases in the kitchen. They wilt as the weather cools.
Yagyuu's bed is cold.
He rolls over at night. He reaches for Niou. He touches the nape of Niou's neck, where his skin is soft and smooth. Yagyuu traces the characters for love and please into Niou's arms. Niou is stiff. His breathing is too rhythmic. Yagyuu swallows.
"Niou-kun?" he asks. "May I…?"
Niou's breathing pauses.
Yagyuu blinks. Without his glasses, he's blind. Niou is a series of interwoven, blurred shapes. They dissolve into shadows. The lump in Yagyuu's throat only gets worse.
Don't hate me, he thinks. Yagyuu lays awake and watches the shadows move across the ceiling. When the grey light of dawn creeps in through the window, and Ryuu pads outside their room for his morning walk, Yagyuu rolls off the futon. Filmy exhaustion sticks to his body.
He works longer hours. The bills stop coming as frequently. Yagyuu leaves them on the table. Niou snoops-Yagyuu knows this. He thinks, Niou-kun should be pleased.
Constantly, Niou drifts in Yagyuu's thoughts. He is there. He is, at the same time, intangible. Yagyuu gives up the fitful attempts at sex. It's not just his balls that ache. He stops sneaking into the toilet room. Instead, he lies in the liquid darkness of their room. The small heater is too close to the window to do much, except spout dust. Sometimes in the incandescent glow, Yagyuu can hear Niou sniffle.
Yagyuu reaches for his dick. His erection burns. He rubs it. He pulls. He squeezes and tugs until he comes. He pants and his feet dig into the futon mattress. Yagyuu groans. Niou's name is always on his lips.
If Niou dreams at night, he doesn't dream of Yagyuu.
It’s been eighteen years coming. Yagyuu wonders if it should have happened earlier.
***
He and Sanada volley a ball back and forth. The courts are dry and frozen. The net is taught. Yagyuu slugs the ball to Sanada. Sanada's breath puffs in the air. He dashes right. His eyes narrow under his cap.
Yagyuu leans back. He swings his arm. He grinds his teeth and plants his feet.
He hits the ball so hard that neither one of them can pry it out of the fence.
Sanada wipes at his forehead with an Asics sweat towel. It's the same brand that endorses Yukimura.
Yagyuu stands under the weak sun. His arms are cold to the touch. His fingertips are numb. He circles his shoulder. The muscle is tight.
Sanada looks at Yagyuu. "If you can't fix something, you have to let it go."
Yagyuu can feel his eyes sting. He closes them slowly. Winter dries everything out. The cold film of frost creeps around the edges of the court. It seeps up in through Yagyuu's gym socks. He shivers.
"Who told you that?" Yagyuu asks. His voice is brittle.
Sanada's face softens. His mouth curls up into a crooked almost-smile. "Andy couldn't fix his pasokon."
Yagyuu pushes his glasses up. He swallows. He narrows his eyes. He zips his racket into its cover. "I don't know what you are talking about."
***
He lies.
***
Yagyuu says, "Do what you need to."
He tries to speak with his eyes: I love you, Niou-kun. I trust you. His vision is slipping. His eyes swim and his glasses fall down. I don't care what you do. I don't care what you did, I love you.
(I won't force you to stay)
Niou half-turns. He's standing in the kitchen. Hiromi is crouched on the floor across the room. The spoon clinks against the dog food can for a moment too long.
Yagyuu presses his palm to the sink. The stainless steel is coated with soap residue. There is a vase with sweet pea flowers beside the rice cooker. Yagyuu doesn't remember giving them to Niou.
When Yagyuu goes to bed, Niou is there beside him. There is a space of a foot between their futons. Yagyuu reaches out. Then he hesitates. His stomach doesn't settle. He swallows, and the vestiges of fluoride make him ill.
In the morning, he wakes up. The futon beside him is cold. Yagyuu's heart drags an empty path through his chest. It is dim outside, but there won't be a sun.
No note sits on the table, or taped to the refrigerator. Instead, Niou's cellphone is folded up on the counter by the sink. Beside it, is a ring. The petals of the sweet pea flowers are turning brown. Yagyuu eats cold rice in the dark. The chair is infinitely hard. The liquid tick of the clock is infinitely long.
It is cold out today. Fat, wet snow begins to drip from the sky. Yagyuu wipes the windshield of the Toyota. Something slides down his face.
He isn't sure if it's just the snow.
***
On Niou's birthday, Yagyuu calls into the office. Suzuki-san answers with a cheerful hello.
"I'm not coming in today," Yagyuu says.
Then he hangs up.
(I still want you. I still love you. Happy birthday, Niou-kun…)
***
Yukimura offers to play tennis with Yagyuu. Sanada does the same. "It's the off-season," Yukimura says. "Give me your all, Yagyuu."
Yagyuu plays until he can't feel his hands. His body throbs with numbness. Yukimura stumbles to a bench. Sweat streams down his face.
"Are you doing okay?" Yukimura asks. He flips his cellphone out and smiles at the LCD screen. Yagyuu glances over. He balls his fist. The wallpaper is picture of Sanada and their son and the scarlet maples of autumn behind them.
"You know," Yukimura says. Yagyuu sits down on the bench next to Yukimura. Yukimura's back moulds to the contours of the seat. Yagyuu sits up straight. "Sanada's pregnant again."
Yagyuu tries to smile. With the back of his hand he wipes the sweat from his forehead. The wetness won’t leave.
Yukimura's smile slides off his face. "Are you okay, Yagyuu?"
"I'm fine," Yagyuu says. His voice echoes on the empty court. His sneaker squeaks on the wood floor.
Yukimura shakes his head. He holds Yagyuu's hand up.
Blood streams down to his wrist from tiny half-moon marks on his palm.
Yagyuu dabs at them with a handkerchief. "It's fine," he says.
***
Kirihara invites Yagyuu for drinks and billiards.
Yagyuu declines.
Kirihara calls the next day. "Er…you wanna play golf, Yagyuu-senpai? Just us?"
Kirihara makes holes in ten. "Aw, shit," he says. The lines of concentration are written across his forehead. Kirihara sticks his tongue out and bites it. He lines up another shot with the driving iron.
Yagyuu almost smiles.
Instead, Yagyuu hits his next shot so hard that the ball dissolves into the sky.
***
Yanagi says Yagyuu and his children are welcome to come over for tea-or curry dinner-any time.
Yagyuu says thank you. He reheats the leftover tamagoyaki that Niou's mom dropped off two nights ago. Then he deletes Yanagi's message from the voice mail.
***
Jackal brings a pot of beans over. And Jennie.
Jennie plays with Masako and Haruka in the garden. Ryuu digs holes. Dirt and earthworms are flung through the air. It all lands onto the cement pathway. Yukimura came over last week to trim the hydrangea and lilac bushes. The buds will be out soon.
Jackal lugs the pot into the kitchen. He heaves it onto the counter. Yagyuu watches Jackal stretch his fingers out. His breasts bounce.
"Do you think you guys'll get divorced, or something?" Jackal asks.
When Yagyuu doesn't answer, Jackal winces and says sorry.
"No, I apologize," Yagyuu says. His voice sounds hollow.
He isn't sorry, though.
***
Marui has the excuse that, "Jackal says these give him junk in the trunk." He opens the box to inhale. His nostrils flare and his eyelashes flutter. "La crème de la crème of cupcakes, Hiroshi." He offers Yagyuu a hesitant smile. "There's two dozen, enough for everyone and then some."
Yagyuu nods.
Marui opens his mouth. He takes a deep breath, then he shakes his head. Yagyuu blinks. He pushes his glasses up. Marui doesn't say anything more until Masako walks into the room. "Ken needs a new diaper, so I'll go change it, Dad," she says.
Marui pulls a magazine from his jacket. He slips it to Yagyuu with shifty eyes and a nudge to the side. "The latest issue of Buxom Babes. It's got Ria Dicksalot this month. You'll like it."
A woman poses on the cover. She has her hands splayed across her nipples. Her breasts are unnaturally round. Her lips are unnaturally red. Marui waggles his eyebrows for a moment. Yagyuu thins his lips.
"You have needs," Marui says. His voice drops. It's serious, and his eyes are steady. "If you need anything, just ask. No worries. No questions. My friend in Vietnam has some cute friends. They're talking about coming up to Tokyo to visit again."
Yagyuu says thank you.
Marui doesn't joke about sugar or booty or sweet Vietnamese coconuts. He pauses at the doorway. His Adam's Apple bobs. Marui stops at the threshold to look back. "It's not your fault," he says. "I know it, Hiroshi."
***
He works so late that some nights he doesn't come home.
Suzuki-san stays to help clean up. She washes picks and drill bits. Yagyuu files the records in the locked cabinet. He walks to the back of the office to grab his coat. Grey shadows cling to the walls. The lights have been switched off.
Suzuki-san pulls him into the closet.
Yagyuu lets himself stay. The door is wide open, but everyone else has gone home. The air purification filter rattles. Suzuki-san makes a high-pitched noise. She tastes of nothing. Yagyuu slips a hand under her uniform skirt. He finds only her hairless pussy.
His eyes snap open.
Suzuki-san giggles. "I've been waiting so long for you, Yagyuu-sensei." She kisses his ear. She licks the shell, and inside it. Yagyuu shivers. It's slimy and hot.
Her small fingers unzip his trousers. Her fingers knead his erection. Yagyuu grunts. He hisses. She climbs onto his dick. Yagyuu pushes her into the closet wall. A roll of paper towels falls to the floor, followed by a box of latex gloves. She licks her lips. Her eyes are wide and her face is round. Yagyuu fucks her. Her pussy is tight. It feels good. A shudder runs through his body. Yagyuu pushes harder.
She makes all sorts of noises. They grate Yagyuu's ears. She squeaks and giggles. She squirms. Yagyuu digs his hands into her hips. He shoves her hard into the wall. Keep still! Her kisses mess his glasses up. He slams her back again. She won't stop moving in all the wrong ways. Her body is bony and her breasts are flat and hard.
Yagyuu closes his eyes. He thrusts harder, and faster. His heart pounds. He pants.
She screams so loud the office neighbours can hear.
He goes soft. Yagyuu doesn't apologize.
Suzuki-san sinks to her knees. Yagyuu fucks her mouth until she gags.
He goes home. In the shower, he burns the memory of her from his body.
Yagyuu slips under the futon by himself. For the first time, he cries when he thinks of Niou.
***
Sanada phones. The call is punctuated by long silences, and the cry of a newborn.
"I got a postcard from America," he says. "It's from Illinois."
Yagyuu stares at the floor. Ryuu paws at his leg.
"It's not signed. I…thought you should know."
***
An opening for a position at the Kannai Clinic for Cosmetic Dentistry is circulated around in a newsletter for the local dentist association. Yagyuu picks it up from the mailbox, along with the clinic's magazine subscriptions. His eyes skim the information. He tucks it into his bag.
Suzuki-san has a sly smile for Yagyuu from the counter. "Good morning, Yagyuu-sensei," she says.
Yagyuu wonders if she's wearing underpants today. When Suzuki-san walks to the back rooms with a patient, her hips sashay. Yagyuu gets his answer. He sets the magazines down.
He fucks her again once, or twice. Suzuki-san offers to stay late. Yagyuu doesn't say no.
A letter comes in the mail first. Suzuki-san is the one who opens it. It's morning. Yagyuu sips on a tea from Starbucks (Marui gave him a 'family' discount today). Iwatani walks in and yawns. Yagyuu says hello.
Yagyuu goes to the front counter to collect his list of patients. Suzuki-san holds the letter up. "You're leaving?" she asks. Her lip trembles. There are tears watering her eyes.
Iwatani says, "So you're accepting the position?"
Yagyuu doesn't bother to look at Suzuki-san. He pushes his glases up the bridge of his nose. A cold smile curls over his lips. "I am."
***
Suzuki-san phones his cell.
Yagyuu blocks the number.
Niou's mom announces that dinner is ready. Ten pairs of feet run into the kitchen. Yagyuu picks up the baby. He straps Ken into the high chair. Niou's mom sets down a bowl of rice and stewed fish.
"Important call?" Niou's mom asks. Her eyes haven't lost the glimmer of hope. Across the table, Hiroshi Jr looks to his younger brothers.
Yagyuu shakes his head. "It was nothing."
***
The walls of Kannai Clinic are painted pale blue. It's in an old brick building of the western-style. Yagyuu can smell the salty harbour from his new office. He sets out eleven pictures on his desk. They all look the same-except for Haruka, who died her hair green last month.
(There is one photo that Yagyuu leaves at home. The corners are dented and dog-eared from twenty years of being folded, unfolded and moved from frame to frame. The colours of the jerseys are fading into a sepia-tinged time. Niou's smirk remains as it bleeds into the background. His eyebrow is raised. Well? he says. He's twelve years old in the moment forever)
Yagyuu leans back in his chair. His elbow brushes the house plant on the window sill. It sucks up the light into spidery green leaves.
The dental hygienist working with Yagyuu is a middle-aged woman. She scuttles around in a pair of beige crocs. Her smile is forgettable, and so is her name.
The Clinic's director looks at Yagyuu. "How does the clinic suit you, Yagyuu-sensei?"
Yagyuu smiles and says this is perfect.
***
Hiromi suggests it.
It is too early in the year for real snow. Fat flakes fall anyway. They melt on contact, but they stick to the shoulders of Yagyuu's wool coat. The snowfall dulls the sound of the traffic. Under Yagyuu's shoes, the mud is beginning to freeze. His soles still imprint for now.
Hiromi walks beside him. His face is a mask. Snow flakes gather on the top of his glasses. They slid down the lenses, and gather on his cheeks.
Neither of them says anything. Yagyuu breathes in, and out. Hiromi takes another step. The forest behind the park is half-naked. The leaves shiver from brances on their own. They fall and mix with the snow. The snow flakes grow and clump, falling like cotton.
Yagyuu doesn't know this place. It is any other park out the suburbs. The swing set is empty. The merry-go-round creaks. Its primary colours are frozen.
Hiromi stuffs his hands in his pockets. He keeps walking. Yagyuu glance toward him. Beyond the edge of his lens, he can't see the details of Hiromi's face. At the edge of the park, behind the swing set and the row of busy trees, a pathway weaves around the mountain. Jizo statues line the path. There is a pair of footprints in the mud solidifying-someone else has been here this morning.
The air has a pleasant chill. Yagyuu breathes it in and it bites his face. He touches the top of his new cellphone in his pocket. The clinic hasn't called today.
"Do you think Mom will ever come back?" Hiromi asks. His words hang.
Yagyuu is quiet. They walk further along the path. Some of the Jizo statues have leaves in their laps. Hiromi picks them out. They round a bend in the pathway. Yagyuu steps over a root.
Three more Jizo statues have white flowers. Hiromi's footsteps stop. Yagyuu turns around. His heart is heavy and he's not sure why. The blank look across Hiromi's face is a mirror of Niou's: it's the same nose, the same chin, the same shape.
Yagyuu sucks in a breath. He blinks. Hiromi's crooked smile is Niou's, too, but his glasses aren't. Neither is his mole, which is too high on his cheek. His hair is dusted with the snow puffs. "Dad," he says.
The snow falls.
"You know Mom had a bunch of abortions, right?"
The forest rustles. The snow is silent, but the last autumn leaves aren't.
"After me." Hiromi plays with one of the flowers in a Jizo's lap. He pulls at the petals until one breaks loose. He lifts his head to the side. Niou used to do the same thing when he was thinking.
"I think she stopped because it made her feel guilty," he says.
The Jizo statues have frozen smiles. Yagyuu touches them. He strokes the weathered stone with a fingertip. He wonders how many more secrets Niou had. Yagyuu doesn't think he wants to know.
"For…them?" Yagyuu asks.
Hiromi shakes his head.
"For you."
***
There is a stretch of heads as far as a tennis court. He looks through the crowd. Their whispers drone into a single swarm, like insects. At the back-not quite as hidden as it should be-is a head of bleached hair. He smiles to himself, and then he climbs the steps to the stage. The school's headmaster shakes his hand. The diploma is rolled up in a tube of faux-leather.
So you came after all, he thinks. He smiles through the hard lump in his chest. He glances back out into the crowd, but the bleached hair has disappeared.
He sits with the rest of his class until the end of the ceremony. He picks at the hem of his school blazer. The button is missing on the right wrist.
Natsuko is the first one to walk up to him. The crowd scatters and she smiles at him. Her hair is down today. She looks pretty. He thinks about her long hair brushed over her naked shoulder when they're alone. His dick stiffens.
"Congratulations," he says.
"The same to you," she says. She pokes Hiromi in the side with her diploma tube. "Number five in our year is pretty good." Around her neck is a chain with his school button.
Hiromi rolls his eyes. "Piyo. You like to rub it in, don't you?"
She chews on her tongue. A grin breaks out over her face. "I can't help it if I'm better than you, Yagyuu."
Hiromi pushes his glasses up. Natsuko laughs and says she can see him smiling, too. She takes his hand and he can breathe easy.
Outside, the weather is bright and sunny. The clouds hang low-it'll rain tonight. The sakura blossoms will fall to the ground. For now, everything is right. Hiromi shakes his grandfather's hand. He hugs his grandmother when she congratulates him. Natsuko nods her head. Her parents are somewhere in the clustered crowds.
She pulls on his hand. She pulls out her cellphone. Hiromi makes a face at the camera and she pushes the button. They walk between the trees on campus. The ground is spongy and damp. Hiromi's shoes sink. He takes one last look at the tennis courts.
The trophy he won the team sits in the club house. A pair of crows sits on top of the club house roof.
See ya, he thinks.
Hiromi turns to Natsuko. The breeze plays with her hair. She raises her eyebrows. He starts to ask, "What should we do toni-"
She cuts in. "Is that…?" She blinks. "Look!"
Natsuko points to someone standing under the old willow tree. The fingerling branches hang down-it's hard to see. Hiromi knows already. He watches his dad duck under the tree. It's been a year and a half. The two stand two feet apart. For the longest moment, Hiromi holds a breath.
His mom is the one to step forward first. Her shoulders are slouched and she's leaning on her left foot. The light dapples her face, but she's darker and thinner than Hiromi remembers. Then his dad reaches out to pull her hand from one of her pockets.
He thinks about the postcard from Australia than came in August. It showed up in the mailbox two days before his birthday. There was no signature; there was no need.
Hiromi turns away from his parents. He takes Natsuko's hand. They walk around the perimeter of the tennis courts. The crows fly up off the club house roof. Their wings rustle as they disappear into the clouds. Black feathers distintegrate into the sweet spring air.
Natsuko frowns. "Do you think they'll get back together?"
"They have a lot of issues I don't want to know about," he says.
Natsuko looks at him. Her hair stirs, and the red hair clip starts to slip. Hiromi touches her chin. She's tall enough to look him straight in the eye when she wears flats. He pulls at the sides of her lips and pushes them up into a sort-of-smile.
He says, "I know they will."
~fin~