rambly emotional stuff, feel free to skip
So, you know that whole emotional break down that I had been worried about back in October/November? Well, it finally hit today. Just after choir, it was complete and total water works. What spurred it off? Kathy, the choir director, telling me "You are completely and totally exhausted, aren't you? You just do not look good." Until that point I had managed to hold it off and ignore the whole "I just spent two hours taking a math test and I am PMSing like you would not believe and my back hurts and my uterus is complaining and I am so totally on the verge of tears" thing. (though, judging from Kathy's comment, I wasn't doing as good a job as I thought I was of not showing anything) But, as soon as she mentioned it and *reminded* me of how crappy I felt... well, something just kinda... broke.
And it wasn't even a bad day! We ended up watching a video in Gym so all I had to do was run three laps and then work out in the weight room for about 15 minutes, so my foot didn't have much to complain about, and I actually think I did okay on the math test ::knocks on wood:: despite it taking me an hour and a half to finish (only about three people finished within the actual class period, and Rita said herself that it would probably take us more than the allotted hour so she was going to let us finish it up in the Learning Center after class if necessary). We even sang all the fun songs in Jazz today (though there wasn't a whole lot of life in them because it seemed like the whole class in general was having a long day, but that just might have been me and my own mood), so there was absolutely no reason for the break down, but I did. I managed to get through the last 5 minutes or so of choir and out the door, I even managed to exchange a few pleasantries with one of the other girls in choir as we were walking down the hall, but as soon as I hit the door to outside (one that was on the opposite side of the school from my car, that is, because I seriously could *not* hold it in any longer and I didn't want anyone to see me crying), I was in tears. Like, really really crying, with the sobbing for breath and the drippy nose and tears streaming down my face all that *oh* so fun stuff. I was *glad* I had to walk all the way around the school to get to my car because, first and foremost, no one is ever back there to see me (I hate crying in front of people. Seriously, ask Cristin or any of my other friends who knew me before the Shippers List - they've known me for 10+ years and I don't think they've ever seen my cry). It also meant that I had about 2 minutes of walking through the snow in the cold air to try and get a hold of myself before I got to the parking lot and the People that always seem to be loitering around in it. Then I got in my car and drove to the park and hid in an empty parking lot and cried some more.
After crying for about a half an hour or so, I was able to calm down and get back to almost normal functionality (even if it did totally look like I had been bawling my eyes out for every one of those 24 minutes) and get myself some food (YAY for drive through, because did I mention that I so totally looked like I had been crying?) and get to work on time. But, you know the very *best* part? I broke down again in front of one of the other instructors after the second class! Five minutes before I had to teach, no less. I got it together again before I had class, but it still hurt my pride a bit. At least I got a hug out of it. ::sighs::
You know, while I'm happy that this thing finally hit after threatening for the past four months, and I am so totally grateful that it waited to hit after the math test, I can't help but wish it would have waited a few more days so I could go hide up in my room under the guise of doing homework instead of breaking down in front of my classmates and my coworkers, especially when I'm not close with any of them. I mean, we're friendly enough in class and at work where we all might talk a bit, but I never talk to any of them or do anything with them out side of work and school. It so totally goes against the "I'm friendly and polite and cheerful, but I'm also a Tough Ass and Nothing Can Hurt Me" attitude I try and present, you know? :)
And that, children, is why we do *not* repress our emotions for three years (though it is nice to know I still have them). Ow, my head hurts.
In other news, I told my dad to think of something we could do as a family this weekend that would get me out of working on Saturday afternoon (I'm not scheduled to work. In fact, no one is scheduled to work, which is kind of the problem. And I am so very not good at saying "no" when Amy starts begging me to take a shift). As of the moment, he is telling my mom and I that we are taking a secret family trip on Saturday Afternoon/Evening (which basically means that he hasn't thought of anything yet), so YAY for an excuse not to work! Even if it is probably not quite technically true. ;)