(no subject)
Parents are headed back to Wisconsin tomorrow night. Right now I'm... okay... and more importantly, not freaking out - or at least I'm managing to stave off any freak-outs with blind determination. We'll see how I manage when I go to bed and have nothing better to occupy my brain.
First day of work is Monday - yet another thing I'm really hoping I won't freak out about. I know I can do the stuff I'll be doing, and I'm pretty sure I can do it quite well once I get the hang of it. I *know* this, really I do; the problem is I am also human, and I have been burned by a bad experience in the past, and now I can't help but freak out over completely benign events that never used to bother me in the past and which, in fact, I quite used to enjoy. I was never ever one to shy away from travel and adventure before. I'd been to Hawaii, California, Texas, Cincinnati, and Chicago (whee, ScaperCon 02 and 03! Man, I miss you guys), not to mention countless summer road trips with my family all over the midwest. Hell, I traveled to freaking *Germany*, by myself, and I loved it! And then Saint Cloud happened, and suddenly I was terrified about spending *one single night* in a place that was a whopping two hours from home.
I took baby steps, and the lack of catastrophic emotional failure on the small trips eventually helped me get over the completely irrational fear of travel that developed after the Saint Cloud fiasco, and day trips and over-night trips and a few days at a hotel or a friends house within a few states of home stopped bothering me quite so much. Now, though, I am in Washington, 1700 miles, 6 states, and a whole mountain range away from home, and the plan right now is to be here for twelve months, not just a few days. I'm not as freaked as I was, but the prospect still scares me silly whenever I think about it too long.
And while the distance and the lack of friends in the area is part of fear, truthfully, what *really* really scares me is how many people I would be letting down if another emotional break down causes me to run away back home again, unable to do what I came here to do.
And... yeah. That pretty much is the down and dirty of it.
Anyway, sorry my posts have been full of Emo and Anxiety these last few days. This is me just trying to deal, and trying to talk myself into not freaking out over stupid stuff. Hopefully, once I get into the rhythm of things and realize that hey, I *can* do this and I have the computer documents to prove it, I'm hoping my posts will get back to normal spammity type stuff.
First day of work is Monday - yet another thing I'm really hoping I won't freak out about. I know I can do the stuff I'll be doing, and I'm pretty sure I can do it quite well once I get the hang of it. I *know* this, really I do; the problem is I am also human, and I have been burned by a bad experience in the past, and now I can't help but freak out over completely benign events that never used to bother me in the past and which, in fact, I quite used to enjoy. I was never ever one to shy away from travel and adventure before. I'd been to Hawaii, California, Texas, Cincinnati, and Chicago (whee, ScaperCon 02 and 03! Man, I miss you guys), not to mention countless summer road trips with my family all over the midwest. Hell, I traveled to freaking *Germany*, by myself, and I loved it! And then Saint Cloud happened, and suddenly I was terrified about spending *one single night* in a place that was a whopping two hours from home.
I took baby steps, and the lack of catastrophic emotional failure on the small trips eventually helped me get over the completely irrational fear of travel that developed after the Saint Cloud fiasco, and day trips and over-night trips and a few days at a hotel or a friends house within a few states of home stopped bothering me quite so much. Now, though, I am in Washington, 1700 miles, 6 states, and a whole mountain range away from home, and the plan right now is to be here for twelve months, not just a few days. I'm not as freaked as I was, but the prospect still scares me silly whenever I think about it too long.
And while the distance and the lack of friends in the area is part of fear, truthfully, what *really* really scares me is how many people I would be letting down if another emotional break down causes me to run away back home again, unable to do what I came here to do.
And... yeah. That pretty much is the down and dirty of it.
Anyway, sorry my posts have been full of Emo and Anxiety these last few days. This is me just trying to deal, and trying to talk myself into not freaking out over stupid stuff. Hopefully, once I get into the rhythm of things and realize that hey, I *can* do this and I have the computer documents to prove it, I'm hoping my posts will get back to normal spammity type stuff.