[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 3
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (3/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: um this chap ran away without me and ended up way dif than i intended D: hope its okay T^T
Previous Chapters:
one | two |
A few days passed in which Changmin threw himself wholeheartedly into his work. Practicing until he was too tired to even move, to the point where he barely managed to take a shower before passing out on his bed. He was sick of thinking, and the physical fatigue was such a relief the he couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner.
Despite his body’s overwhelming need to sleep, he contradictorily found it was harder than ever to calm down his mind, and became so stressed about turning into an insomniac over little pieces of paper, that when he did manage to sleep it was fitful and full of looming shadows that seemed to haunt him no matter how fast and far he ran.
He wanted it all to stop, but at the same time the sole reason it was happening was his own doing. Unable to control himself, he was likewise unable to control it, and it was wearing him down horribly.
So consumed by stress until he thought he would scream, Changmin had stayed up long into Friday night working out for hours in the gym next to their apartment building. The sweat that poured down his body was refreshing as it drained him of all energy and helped him to just not care anymore.
Finishing up sometime near two thirty am, Changmin slunk as quietly as possible into the house, feeling spent and finally just tired. He couldn’t wait to climb into his waiting bed, and had a good feeling he’d be able to succumb to the lure of sleep in no time.
Although for once sleep did not elude him, he was still unable to escape the strange eerie dreams that were created from mental exhaustion.
He struggled all night, tossing and turning, as he was powerless to save himself, swirling and speeding towards the dark center of a whirlpool, being eaten by the pit of blackness only to find himself immobile and helpless in inky darkness.
And he must have cried out for help, because then something soft and comforting was pulling him out of the cold paralysis. Clinging to it, he slipped back into dreamless sleep as a familiar scent washed over him that he breathed in with relief.
It wasn’t until he opened his eyes as late morning sunlight glanced off his face that he realized the warmth was not only inside his dreams.
A head of blondish hair was all he could see beside him on his pillow. However, the empty bed beside his told him the body pressed up against his and the arm across his chest belonged to none other than Junsu. He sleepily wondered how the other could breathe with his face turned into the pillow like that, and smiled as the smaller man snuggled closer.
Moments like this and he wondered why Yoochun always said Junsu was the worst kind of teddy bear there was. Maybe the other said that just to see Junsu’s infamous pout, or else it had to do with the way the moment Changmin put his hand on Junsu’s side to push him away, the other responded with a twitch and a half-asleep murmur of protest.
Changmin pushed again, trying to roll Junsu to his back, and the sound came again, this time sounding more close to the giggle it was, as Junsu’s body twisted away. He knew there were at least ten reasons why he should resist, and really honestly tried to hold himself back, but with Junsu’s defenses all down and his highly ticklish body spread out and just begging for it…Changmin couldn’t hide his grin as his hesitating fingers finally reached out again to attack.
It hardly took more than five seconds before Junsu was waking up with a confused sounding laugh, trying to avoid the fingers that now poked and prodded his sides mercilessly.
His eyes suddenly popped open, and his hands flew out to block Changmin’s fingers. When that failed he rolled closer, laughing as his face started to color steadily red, until he was suddenly reaching out to tickle Changmin back.
Being caught off guard, and as relaxed and lethargic from sleep as he was, Changmin was helpless to fight off the strong determined pokes that left him gasping and laughing on his back.
It wasn’t long before the tickle fight was no longer even, and Changmin was begging through tears for Junsu to stop, the sight of the red face framed with bed hair above him making him laugh all the harder.
Finally, when even words were too hard to force out between each choke of laughter, Junsu finally let up, grabbing him by the wrists and pinning them down as an extra precaution.
Changmin closed his eyes as he sucked air back into his limp body, slowly calming down and still smiling like crazy as he listened to Junsu huffing and puffing above him. He only noticed that the other was straddling his waist when Junsu shifted slightly and Changmin thought he felt something that he definitely shouldn’t have.
Eyes flying open, he looked up to see the other scowling down at him. For all pretenses, Junsu didn’t seem to have noticed why Changmin had suddenly stilled beneath him.
“Here I am, being a kind loving hyung, comforting you when you have nightmares, and this is how you repay me?”
He leaned down closer as Changmin stared blankly, taken aback.
“I had a nightmare?”
Junsu’s expression melted into one of slight concern. “Yeah, I think so. You sounded terrified, and wouldn’t calm down until I got in your bed with you.” He looked so serious, a look that didn’t suit him and that Changmin had rarely seen, so that he didn’t know how to respond for once. “You’re doing okay, right?”
The soft tentative way he asked spoke of incidents that went beyond just the past night. He was a fool to think the others hadn’t noticed. Even though Junsu hid behind bright sunny smiles and carefree innocence, nothing really could get past him.
Changmin was uncomfortable, and wished the heavy seriousness of the moment would go away. Somehow seeming to sense his discomfort, Junsu released his hands and reached out instead to sweep Changmin’s bangs out of his eyes.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just know that you can tell me anything, whenever something’s bothering you.”
His eyes were big and dark, boring through him, and Changmin felt so weak and exposed beneath that stare. Why was Junsu acting like this? It threw him off, and it didn’t help that the other was sitting on him and playing affectionately with his hair.
Without realizing it, Changmin’s hand came up to slide around Junsu’s wrist, stopping the soft stroking motion as much as he was melting under the touch. Junsu looked at him questioningly, and Changmin began to feel self conscious, knowing his face was turning pink as he felt his cheeks heat up.
Swiftly, he shoved at Junsu, catching him off guard and successfully knocking him unceremoniously onto the bed. “Get off of me.” He tried to sound whiny. “So heavy.”
Junsu pouted at him, sitting back up as Changmin scrambled awkwardly out from the blankets. Yes, he did feel guilty, but in all honesty he didn’t trust himself to successfully resist should Junsu continue to pour affection on him like that.
Therefore, he hurried from the room without another backward glance, knowing he’d probably have to go apologize later if Junsu took it all the wrong way, but for now he could only focus on keeping himself in once piece.
He let the water run in the shower until it turned cold, plastering his hair against his head, trickling with little pricks like ice all down his neck and over his body.
As much as he rationalized that Junsu and Jaejoong had both come onto him in much different situations, he couldn’t understand why saying ‘no’ to Junsu had been so hard when it had come so easily standing before Jaejoong.
What did that mean? And why was this all so confusing?
Hearing the sound of knocks on the bathroom door, he realized hazily he’d spent far too much time in the shower. Shutting it off with trembling hands he wrapped himself in a few towels, shivering horribly as his feet met the cold linoleum floor.
He was about to call out to whoever was on the other side trying to break a hole in the wood that he was almost done, when the door knob suddenly turned down and Yoochun was filling the doorway.
“Changmin-ah, did you really have to-” He broke off as his eyes swept over Changmin’s dripping wet form. As much as Changmin tried, he really couldn’t stop shaking; he was literally frozen where he stood. “What’s wrong?”
The older man was by his side in a flash, grabbing another towel from the cupboard and draping it over Changmin’s head as he towel dried his hair firmly. A hand brushed across his cheek to wipe away water drops, and then his ears were full of Yoochun scolding. “You’re freezing! Why didn’t you tell us there was no more warm water? You wana catch a cold?”
Changmin didn’t reply, clenching his teeth to keep them from chattering as Yoochun huffed air through his teeth, continuing to dry him off until he reached for the towel Changmin had slung around his shoulders. He wasn’t fast enough to snatch it back, and Yoochun was already moving as if to wipe along his torso.
“I can do it myself, hyung.” Changmin protested quickly, reaching for the towel. But Yoochun merely stopped, turning to look him full in the face. The stare was long and deep, and Changmin felt he couldn’t hide anything from those knowing eyes. He shrank back as Yoochun raised a single eyebrow.
“Something wrong with me helping you out?” He asked dryly. “Don’t tell me you’re being shy, of all things. And in front of me?”
Changmin didn’t have an answer although Yoochun seemed to be waiting for one, and instead reached out to tug the towel back into his own hands. “Think whatever you want.” He wrapped himself securely and moved towards the door, pausing when Yoochun made as if to follow him. “Don’t you need the bathroom?”
Yoochun grinned, shaking long dark curls out of his face. “I came because I needed you.”
Changmin was glad for once to hear the greasy lines for they were easier to brush off and hide in front of compared to that serious stare, and rolled his eyes, turning his back on Yoochun once more.
“No, really!” Yoochun called out, hurrying behind him as Changmin marched down the hall. “Junsu was just telling me that you were being a heartless jerk, and I came to find out what was going on.”
Something similar to guilt plopped itself down in his stomach, and Changmin tucked his head slightly as he focused on opening dresser drawers and finding his clothes.
Yoochun came up behind him. He could feel him literally breathing down his neck.
“Since you’re not denying it or telling me otherwise, I’ll have to assume it’s true, then.” His tone was matter of fact, revealing nothing and certainly leaving him unprepared for the arms that suddenly snaked around his waist.
“Hyung! What-”
“Junsu told me you didn’t want him to touch you. That you nearly threw him on the floor rather than let him get close to you.”
Changmin couldn’t help it, stiffening instantly in the circle of those arms. He was starting to panic, how could he explain himself? Why was Junsu taking this so seriously, and why did that mean Yoochun had to come feel him up instead?
He tugged on Yoochun’s arms halfheartedly. “Let go of me, hyung.”
The smirk on Yoochun’s face was plain as he purred against Changmin’s neck. “No.”
Trying to take a deep steadying breath, Changmin pulled another drawer open fiercely, making the whole dresser rattle dangerously, and trying to ignore the way Yoochun was deliberately slipping his hands under the towel, fingers hot as they brushed lightly over the skin of his stomach.
“Hmm. I think Su was onto something here.” A deep chuckle. “What’s got into you, Min? Don’t tell me you’ve started …feeling something new, or…something you shouldn’t?” His words were accompanied with the movements of his hand, pressing his whole palm flat against Changmin’s skin. His whole body felt much too warm, tingling slightly with each brush of Yoochun's hand, and Changmin was terrified to feel just the things that Yoochun was whispering so heatedly in his ear.
Changmin was finding it very hard to breathe, partly from the seductive way Yoochun was treating him and, but mostly from the way every word the other said was just that much closer to the truth, and it scared him to death that he couldn't hide it nor deny it.
With the warm body leaning against his back and the confident, purposeful way Yoochun was touching him, Changmin really didn’t think he’d be able to play it off much longer. Already his body had betrayed him, leaning back ever so slightly into the one behind his, and he mentally cursed they way he seemed to be trembling slightly, knees gone weak. He was already acting so unlike himself that it would be pointless to lie to Yoochun and tell him he was wrong. Not to mention he was sure Yoochun could feel every last tremor.
If he could act like it wasn’t getting to him, pretended he wasn’t uncomfortable, then maybe Yoochun would give up. He forced an annoyed sigh. “Why don’t you go touch Junsu hyung instead? Stop teasing me so I can get dressed.”
Yoochun laughed in his ear. “Mmm, that’s fine Min, I like you more than him anyway. And I like you better like this.” His hands now roamed up to Changmin’s chest, and it was all he could do to suppress a shiver.
He couldn’t stop the panic rising in his throat. Why did Yoochun do this to him? Were those words really the truth? He usually never would have even considered it, as Yoochun was prone to groping whatever available warm body he came across, but nothing was certain for him anymore, and every little touch or word could mean everything.
He couldn’t pretend anymore. Couldn’t hide his troubled doubts and pained longing. He couldn’t stop his own body from shaking under those hands. If his secret lover really was Yoochun, then he definitely shouldn’t tease him like this.
His eyes slid closed and his hands gripped the edge of the drawer tightly to try and ground himself. “Yoochun. Hyung. Please, stop it.” The words were hardly above a whisper, but Yoochun heard them, his whole body going still.
A few long silent moments passed, neither of them moving as Changmin focused solely on keeping his breathing under control.
Not sure what response he would get, Changmin was still surprised when Yoochun slid his hands out from under the towel before tugging him closer again in a soft comforting way. A hug like all the ones he was so used to, familiar and safe. And then Yoochun was letting him go.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong to tease you. I just wanted to see...” Changmin stared down at the socks in his drawer as Yoochun took a step away. “I just want you to relax around me.”
Changmin let the words sink in a moment before he could manage a small nod. Whereas moments before he’d been so panicked and almost angry, now he felt emptiness surrounded with regret. He’d overreacted when Yoochun was just being his usual self. He turned with the word ‘sorry’ half way to his mouth but before he could speak a finger was pressed against his lips in a hushing motion.
“Shh. You don’t need to say anything. Just go tell Junsu what you meant by it so he wont come crying to me again, okay?”
Yoochun’s finger didn’t move from his mouth even as Changmin nodded slightly. He was now beginning to feel embarrassed by his out of control emotions that flared and waned without warning, and wanted Yoochun to leave as much as he craved that unassuming comforting hug again.
The other was watching him steadily, as if trying to read whatever was flitting behind Changmin’s eyes, and he almost would believe it if Yoochun said he understood. That gaze was penetrating and he felt himself shrink before it.
Yoochun’s finger slid down to trace his bottom lip lightly, pausing for a moment before he pulled his hand away to tug through his own long locks with an airy sigh.
“Honestly, Changmin…” His eyes slid closed for a moment before he opened them again only to look somewhere beyond Changmin’s shoulder. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I wish you wouldn’t hide from us…well, from me.” His eyes flickered back to meet Changmin’s. “You’re uncomfortable…and that’s making me uncomfortable.”
Changmin didn’t know what to say. Dead serious Yoochun was almost as hard to deal with as perverted Yoochun. He didn’t know how to react to either when all that raw energy was focused directly on him.
“I’m fine.” He mumbled without conviction, turning away to avoid those eyes. “Don’t worry about it.”
That got a loud snort out of Yoochun, and Changmin could see him shaking his head from the corner of his eyes.
He was saved further interrogation as Jaejoong chose that exact moment to come out of the kitchen. Already a few steps down the hall, it was a moment before he spotted them, though as soon as he saw Changmin he stopped dead in his tracks.
Changmin felt just as frozen, remembering only too clearly that Jaejoong hyung was the first person he’d rejected and ran away from. Jaejoong was obviously remembering it too, his expression was blank, devoid of emotion as his eyes slid quickly over Changmin’s towel-clad form. Changmin squirmed under the scrutiny, heart clenching more with every passing second in which Jaejoong didn’t say a word.
No offer to blow dry his hair, no huffy commands to get dressed warmly or god help him should he get sick. Just nothing.
Yoochun didn’t seem to be immune to the static charging the air, either. He gave Changmin a final troubled look before instantly moving over to Jaejoong’s side and brushing a hand across his cheek tenderly. A silent question if the other was alright or not.
The touch seemed to snap the other from his blank daze, and as he turned to look into Yoochun’s concerned eyes, the emptiness in his face was instantly replaced with a small, yet glowing smile.
“Hey, Chunnie. I was looking for you. Just made your favorite dish for dinner.”
Yoochun chuckled in delight as Jaejoong promptly looped his arm through the crook in Yoochun’s elbow, turning them both to lead him back to the kitchen from which Changmin could now smell delicious fumes wafting.
He didn’t even feel the growl of hunger in his stomach as the sharp pang in his chest at Jaejoong ignoring him as well as both hyungs just acting like he was invisible was too painful to think around. It shouldn’t hurt this much that Jaejoong would cook for Yoochun, would look so happy to see Yoochun, and it definitely shouldn’t hurt that as soon as he saw Jaejoong, all concern for Changmin had seemed to disappear from Yoochun’s mind.
Again, that horrible thought that the sweet looks they shared actually meant more than met the eye crawled through his brain, leaving dirty tracks in its wake.
Dejectedly he pulled on his clothes over his still damp body, dropping the used towels where he stood in the middle of the hallway. It was as if a thorn was thrust into his already open wound when he gloomily concluded that Jaejoong probably, no, most definitely, wouldn’t even get mad at him for it. He never could have even dreamed the man he looked up to so much would look at him with such a cold expression.
It was with dragging feet that he made his way over to the living room. He needed a distraction, and he paused in the doorway as he saw the room to be occupied with Yunho, lounging on the couch as he watched the news.
He hovered where he stood, not able to gather the courage to enter. He just knew Yunho would see his distress, would try to comfort him, but he doubted he’d have the strength to reject yet another intimate touch all in the same day. He still needed to find Junsu and apologize, anyway.
“You gona just stand there, or come in?” Yunho spoke without taking his eyes off of the television screen, and it startled Changmin.
Biting his lip and hesitating even more now that he’d been discovered, Changmin didn’t move. It was only a few moments before Yunho was looking over to see what was taking him so long. He blinked a few times as Changmin remained frozen in place.
He couldn’t decide. He wanted Yunho to just decide for him.
“Okay…well, I’ll be here if you change your mind.” Yunho was already turning back to the television even as he uttered the words.
He was as normal and as dense to other’s emotions as Changmin could hope for. That made up his mind for him, but just as he was about to enter the room a soft touch on his elbow held him back. Turning around he found Junsu looking up at him with hesitant eyes.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Junsu’s hand didn’t move from its place on his arm, fingers tightening slightly as if Changmin would try to pull away again. Guilt flared back to life within him in response to the part of him which immediately wanted to break away from the touch.
Unable to formulate a response, Changmin opted for the path of least resistance, allowing Junsu to tug him back down the hall to their bedroom, and allowing the small slender fingers that slid down his arm to slip around his hand, holding onto him in a firm yet gentle grip.
He couldn’t help but tighten his own fingers around Junsu’s hand as the other sat him down on his bed, settling beside him in a posture that meant he wouldn’t budge until he got what he wanted, and Changmin tried to breathe evenly as his eyes fixed on their intertwined hands. He knew Junsu was determined to get answers out of him, and his nerves twisted themselves into knots as he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to avoid giving Junsu what he wanted.
As if he could sense Changmin’s uneasiness, Junsu’s other hand came to pat his knee gently, and although the touch sent his stomach rolling once more, he did feel slightly comforted by the words hanging behind the gesture.
Junsu cleared his throat, fingers now tracing random patters across his knee. “Um… I’m really not sure where to start…” Even as the hushed voice filled his ears, Changmin didn’t remove his eyes from the path of that hand. “I was hoping you’d come to me first if I waited long enough…but now you just feel farther than ever.” He sighed. “And I’m sorry.”
Changmin swallowed thickly, heartbeat speeding up slightly as he felt Junsu’s eyes on his face. He didn’t know if he could do this, and although he should have known it was coming, he wasn’t prepared for the request. He stared fixedly down.
“Changmin-ah. Look at me.” Junsu leaned closer, his free hand coming up to gently cup his cheek, drawing Changmin’s face around so he could look him in the face. Unable to pull away, Changmin let his head be turned until he looked directly into those eyes, and instantly found it hard to breathe.
“I need to know why…” Junsu continued, holding Changmin captive with that deep irresistible stare. The hand on his face much too warm. “Just, please. Can’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
Changmin was frozen, completely helpless to whatever spell Junsu had put over him. And his heart was thundering in his ears because it seemed like Junsu knew. Like Junsu had been watching over him all this time. Like Junsu was asking him to just come out with it and reject him. Was it him? Had he sent letter after letter, all the while waiting for Changmin to realize…to respond? Changmin didn’t know how to ask.
He managed to break the gaze, closing his eyes as he drew in a shaky breath. Junsu’s hand dropped from his face, coming instead to rest on top of their still joined hands.
“You’re in love with someone, aren’t you?”
The accusation sent an electric jolt through Changmin. His eyes sprung open and he was suddenly clutching onto the hand in his own so tightly his hand ached. He searched Junsu’s face, unable to read the wistful expression he found there. Junsu stared back at him for a few long moments which were filled only with breathes so shallow they were almost nonexistent, before Junsu hesitantly bit his bottom lip.
“It’s…not me, is it?”
The words were spoken on a low breath, a halting whisper, and Changmin’s throat closed up. He didn’t know what Junsu wanted to hear…didn’t know if Junsu was genuinely asking for an answer, or if he was asking for confirmation and had guessed that Changmin was lost to someone else. And it really wouldn’t matter except Changmin couldn’t stop the terrifying feeling he got from seeing the expression in those eyes... as if Junsu was waiting for a ‘yes’.
Silence stretched between them as Changmin’s mind raced, knowing all the while that each moment he hesitated Junsu would start to form his own answer. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t see the shadow that filled those eyes.
“Changmin-ah.” Junsu tried again, relentless and ignoring the way Changmin silently pleaded for him to just give up. “It’s okay…” The tone to his voice indicated otherwise, that it was anything but okay, and Changmin miserably lowered his face, hiding behind his bangs.
“Did you write them?” The words were torn awkwardly from his mouth, breathless and tangled, and he choked as his heart almost tumbled out together with them.
He squeezed his eyes closed as Junsu didn’t reply. That could only mean one thing. Could only mean yes. He listened to the way Junsu breathed steadily beside him, the soft intake of air as he prepared to reply.
“Your letters…?”
Changmin’s heart completely stopped. It was Junsu.
Junsu loved him…and his head drooped lower, suddenly unbearably heavy on his neck. He was unable to lift it even a fraction, nor dared to face the other man as he admitted deep down that it really wasn’t okay that it was Junsu. He couldn’t lie. And he couldn’t bear the thought that’d he’d have to say no…that he’d be the one to cause someone who honestly loved him pain. He was so selfish.
But Junsu’s next words had him looking up again, this time in confusion. “Aren’t they…didn’t you write them for someone?” Junsu was looking at him with furrowed brows.
Changmin didn’t understand, only able to shake his head as Junsu cocked his head slightly, eyes boring into him with a sharpness he could almost literally feel pricking his skin.
“Are you saying that… all those letters you keep under your bed are from someone else?”
Changmin bit his lip, breath caught in his throat as Junsu blinked at him curiously, demanding an explanation although Changmin still couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that this meant it wasn’t Junsu who’d sent them. But what was Junsu talking about?
Junsu watched him, eyes questioning, but Changmin couldn’t force a single word out. He didn’t know what to say. After searching his face for a moment longer, Junsu let out a slow sigh.
“Seriously, stop looking at me like that. I’m just…I was only worried because you seemed so depressed.” Another sigh and Junsu finally pulled his hands away, rubbing them across his eyes tiredly before his eyes met Changmin’s again. “Why didn’t you tell us someone was giving you something like that? Why are you hiding this from us?” He didn’t even attempt to hide the accusing lilt to his voice, and Changmin thought the pout forming on that face couldn’t have been more out of place in such a situation.
Junsu didn’t understand. “I wasn’t hiding it-” He began protesting but Junsu huffed at him, the pout now fully formed as he glared back at him.
“Don’t lie to me, Min, I’m not stupid. You don’t need to explain to me why you thought stuffing them under your mattress was a good idea, but you can at least tell me why you kept this a secret from us. Don’t you trust us?”
Changmin was rapidly losing his control over what he thought was right and true as Junsu’s fierce accusations made him feel like the biggest idiot in the world. He hunched his shoulders defensively as Junsu crossed his arms across his chest.
“You don’t understand, hyung.” Changmin forced himself to take a deep breath. “I never would have hid anything from you. It’s just…I think…I mean, thought that…I know I was being stupid, but…I thought…”
He couldn’t force the words out, not with Junsu looking at him like that. How could he have suspected one of his hyungs? What had he been thinking? They would be disgusted if they found out he’d thought one of them loved him…it sounded ridiculous now that he was about to admit it out loud, as he was sure Junsu would be just as disgusted as soon as he heard the words now trapped in Changmin’s throat.
“Shhh.” Junsu’s hand came out again to touch his shoulder and it was all Changmin could do not to shrug it off. “Calm down and just tell me. Why-”
“Because I thought it was one of you.” Changmin cut him off, blurting out the words at the same time as he pushed himself back away from the other. He couldn’t resist looking into the face that was now frozen in mild shock, mouth forming a small ‘oh’, and then he was clenching his hands in his lap, struggling to control the sudden urge to cry, a lump lodging in his chest.
“Please, hyung. Don’t tell anyone.” He spoke to his hands, unable to look up. He didn’t want to see what expression would come next after his hyung got over his surprise. “I promise it was just…a stupid thought. I would never…Just don’t tell the others, please.”
Finally gathering enough courage to look up, Changmin was surprised to find not anger or disgust like he expected, but instead a sad sort of expression on Junsu’s face as the other continued to watch him.
He turned to him with pleading eyes, ready to beg should Junsu decide he had a problem and take it upon himself to tell the others, or worse bring it to the attention of the manager. He was terrified now of his fantasies being exposed, feeling like an idiot for not realizing how dangerous, and just how overall wrong his thoughts had been.
“Are you sure? Do you know…who?” Junsu was watching him closely, a strange look in his eyes, and Changmin didn’t know what to make of it. But at least the other didn’t seem repulsed by the idea, and it sent waves of relief crashing over him.
“It’s really not you?” He asked stupidly instead, unable to stop himself.
Junsu didn’t laugh, didn’t tease him, didn’t look like he thought he was crazy. He looked understanding, although that unexplainable sadness still lingered on his face.
“Sorry, Min. I don’t know anything about it.” He paused. “Have you told anyone else?”
“No.” The single word sounded as broken and miserable as Changmin felt, and it felt so good for once to not have to hide it, to just let it all out. “I didn’t know what to do.” He breathed in deeply as Junsu silently waited for him to continue. “I thought it was a joke or something…but,” He suddenly remembered what Junsu had said. “Did you read them?”
Junsu promptly nodded, looking more certain than Changmin had ever felt during the last few months as he answered confidently, “I believe every word.” Then his voice softened. “I had thought you were totally in love…that you were planning on giving them to someone, but now I see that’s not the case.” He smiled lightly, suddenly looking as if he felt uncomfortable, the awkward set to his shoulders a clear sign to Changmin that the older man was feeling uneasy.
His heart sank as Junsu coughed and looked away, his hands smoothing his hair down beside his ears in that distracted habit of his every time he felt nervous. Having no idea why Junsu should be uncomfortable when Changmin was the one with a secret admirer, Changmin could only watch wordlessly as Junsu suddenly got to his feet, mumbling something about having something he needed to do before he promptly turned to hurry out of the room.
And it was with a sick feeling, something knotted and heavy sinking into his stomach that Changmin fell back onto his bed. He had thought it would be relieving to find out something like this…to be able to cross Junsu off the list, to narrow the options and have someone on his side.
But for some reason he felt more troubled than ever. He couldn’t erase from his mind the expressions that had crossed the other’s face, and it somehow filled him with dread at the thought that Junsu had not really looked happy for him. And he couldn’t for the life of him understand why.
************
next: chapter 4~~~
a/n: ....:O ahg! what happened!!?? LOL
Free Hit Counter
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (3/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: um this chap ran away without me and ended up way dif than i intended D: hope its okay T^T
Previous Chapters:
one | two |
A few days passed in which Changmin threw himself wholeheartedly into his work. Practicing until he was too tired to even move, to the point where he barely managed to take a shower before passing out on his bed. He was sick of thinking, and the physical fatigue was such a relief the he couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner.
Despite his body’s overwhelming need to sleep, he contradictorily found it was harder than ever to calm down his mind, and became so stressed about turning into an insomniac over little pieces of paper, that when he did manage to sleep it was fitful and full of looming shadows that seemed to haunt him no matter how fast and far he ran.
He wanted it all to stop, but at the same time the sole reason it was happening was his own doing. Unable to control himself, he was likewise unable to control it, and it was wearing him down horribly.
So consumed by stress until he thought he would scream, Changmin had stayed up long into Friday night working out for hours in the gym next to their apartment building. The sweat that poured down his body was refreshing as it drained him of all energy and helped him to just not care anymore.
Finishing up sometime near two thirty am, Changmin slunk as quietly as possible into the house, feeling spent and finally just tired. He couldn’t wait to climb into his waiting bed, and had a good feeling he’d be able to succumb to the lure of sleep in no time.
Although for once sleep did not elude him, he was still unable to escape the strange eerie dreams that were created from mental exhaustion.
He struggled all night, tossing and turning, as he was powerless to save himself, swirling and speeding towards the dark center of a whirlpool, being eaten by the pit of blackness only to find himself immobile and helpless in inky darkness.
And he must have cried out for help, because then something soft and comforting was pulling him out of the cold paralysis. Clinging to it, he slipped back into dreamless sleep as a familiar scent washed over him that he breathed in with relief.
It wasn’t until he opened his eyes as late morning sunlight glanced off his face that he realized the warmth was not only inside his dreams.
A head of blondish hair was all he could see beside him on his pillow. However, the empty bed beside his told him the body pressed up against his and the arm across his chest belonged to none other than Junsu. He sleepily wondered how the other could breathe with his face turned into the pillow like that, and smiled as the smaller man snuggled closer.
Moments like this and he wondered why Yoochun always said Junsu was the worst kind of teddy bear there was. Maybe the other said that just to see Junsu’s infamous pout, or else it had to do with the way the moment Changmin put his hand on Junsu’s side to push him away, the other responded with a twitch and a half-asleep murmur of protest.
Changmin pushed again, trying to roll Junsu to his back, and the sound came again, this time sounding more close to the giggle it was, as Junsu’s body twisted away. He knew there were at least ten reasons why he should resist, and really honestly tried to hold himself back, but with Junsu’s defenses all down and his highly ticklish body spread out and just begging for it…Changmin couldn’t hide his grin as his hesitating fingers finally reached out again to attack.
It hardly took more than five seconds before Junsu was waking up with a confused sounding laugh, trying to avoid the fingers that now poked and prodded his sides mercilessly.
His eyes suddenly popped open, and his hands flew out to block Changmin’s fingers. When that failed he rolled closer, laughing as his face started to color steadily red, until he was suddenly reaching out to tickle Changmin back.
Being caught off guard, and as relaxed and lethargic from sleep as he was, Changmin was helpless to fight off the strong determined pokes that left him gasping and laughing on his back.
It wasn’t long before the tickle fight was no longer even, and Changmin was begging through tears for Junsu to stop, the sight of the red face framed with bed hair above him making him laugh all the harder.
Finally, when even words were too hard to force out between each choke of laughter, Junsu finally let up, grabbing him by the wrists and pinning them down as an extra precaution.
Changmin closed his eyes as he sucked air back into his limp body, slowly calming down and still smiling like crazy as he listened to Junsu huffing and puffing above him. He only noticed that the other was straddling his waist when Junsu shifted slightly and Changmin thought he felt something that he definitely shouldn’t have.
Eyes flying open, he looked up to see the other scowling down at him. For all pretenses, Junsu didn’t seem to have noticed why Changmin had suddenly stilled beneath him.
“Here I am, being a kind loving hyung, comforting you when you have nightmares, and this is how you repay me?”
He leaned down closer as Changmin stared blankly, taken aback.
“I had a nightmare?”
Junsu’s expression melted into one of slight concern. “Yeah, I think so. You sounded terrified, and wouldn’t calm down until I got in your bed with you.” He looked so serious, a look that didn’t suit him and that Changmin had rarely seen, so that he didn’t know how to respond for once. “You’re doing okay, right?”
The soft tentative way he asked spoke of incidents that went beyond just the past night. He was a fool to think the others hadn’t noticed. Even though Junsu hid behind bright sunny smiles and carefree innocence, nothing really could get past him.
Changmin was uncomfortable, and wished the heavy seriousness of the moment would go away. Somehow seeming to sense his discomfort, Junsu released his hands and reached out instead to sweep Changmin’s bangs out of his eyes.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just know that you can tell me anything, whenever something’s bothering you.”
His eyes were big and dark, boring through him, and Changmin felt so weak and exposed beneath that stare. Why was Junsu acting like this? It threw him off, and it didn’t help that the other was sitting on him and playing affectionately with his hair.
Without realizing it, Changmin’s hand came up to slide around Junsu’s wrist, stopping the soft stroking motion as much as he was melting under the touch. Junsu looked at him questioningly, and Changmin began to feel self conscious, knowing his face was turning pink as he felt his cheeks heat up.
Swiftly, he shoved at Junsu, catching him off guard and successfully knocking him unceremoniously onto the bed. “Get off of me.” He tried to sound whiny. “So heavy.”
Junsu pouted at him, sitting back up as Changmin scrambled awkwardly out from the blankets. Yes, he did feel guilty, but in all honesty he didn’t trust himself to successfully resist should Junsu continue to pour affection on him like that.
Therefore, he hurried from the room without another backward glance, knowing he’d probably have to go apologize later if Junsu took it all the wrong way, but for now he could only focus on keeping himself in once piece.
He let the water run in the shower until it turned cold, plastering his hair against his head, trickling with little pricks like ice all down his neck and over his body.
As much as he rationalized that Junsu and Jaejoong had both come onto him in much different situations, he couldn’t understand why saying ‘no’ to Junsu had been so hard when it had come so easily standing before Jaejoong.
What did that mean? And why was this all so confusing?
Hearing the sound of knocks on the bathroom door, he realized hazily he’d spent far too much time in the shower. Shutting it off with trembling hands he wrapped himself in a few towels, shivering horribly as his feet met the cold linoleum floor.
He was about to call out to whoever was on the other side trying to break a hole in the wood that he was almost done, when the door knob suddenly turned down and Yoochun was filling the doorway.
“Changmin-ah, did you really have to-” He broke off as his eyes swept over Changmin’s dripping wet form. As much as Changmin tried, he really couldn’t stop shaking; he was literally frozen where he stood. “What’s wrong?”
The older man was by his side in a flash, grabbing another towel from the cupboard and draping it over Changmin’s head as he towel dried his hair firmly. A hand brushed across his cheek to wipe away water drops, and then his ears were full of Yoochun scolding. “You’re freezing! Why didn’t you tell us there was no more warm water? You wana catch a cold?”
Changmin didn’t reply, clenching his teeth to keep them from chattering as Yoochun huffed air through his teeth, continuing to dry him off until he reached for the towel Changmin had slung around his shoulders. He wasn’t fast enough to snatch it back, and Yoochun was already moving as if to wipe along his torso.
“I can do it myself, hyung.” Changmin protested quickly, reaching for the towel. But Yoochun merely stopped, turning to look him full in the face. The stare was long and deep, and Changmin felt he couldn’t hide anything from those knowing eyes. He shrank back as Yoochun raised a single eyebrow.
“Something wrong with me helping you out?” He asked dryly. “Don’t tell me you’re being shy, of all things. And in front of me?”
Changmin didn’t have an answer although Yoochun seemed to be waiting for one, and instead reached out to tug the towel back into his own hands. “Think whatever you want.” He wrapped himself securely and moved towards the door, pausing when Yoochun made as if to follow him. “Don’t you need the bathroom?”
Yoochun grinned, shaking long dark curls out of his face. “I came because I needed you.”
Changmin was glad for once to hear the greasy lines for they were easier to brush off and hide in front of compared to that serious stare, and rolled his eyes, turning his back on Yoochun once more.
“No, really!” Yoochun called out, hurrying behind him as Changmin marched down the hall. “Junsu was just telling me that you were being a heartless jerk, and I came to find out what was going on.”
Something similar to guilt plopped itself down in his stomach, and Changmin tucked his head slightly as he focused on opening dresser drawers and finding his clothes.
Yoochun came up behind him. He could feel him literally breathing down his neck.
“Since you’re not denying it or telling me otherwise, I’ll have to assume it’s true, then.” His tone was matter of fact, revealing nothing and certainly leaving him unprepared for the arms that suddenly snaked around his waist.
“Hyung! What-”
“Junsu told me you didn’t want him to touch you. That you nearly threw him on the floor rather than let him get close to you.”
Changmin couldn’t help it, stiffening instantly in the circle of those arms. He was starting to panic, how could he explain himself? Why was Junsu taking this so seriously, and why did that mean Yoochun had to come feel him up instead?
He tugged on Yoochun’s arms halfheartedly. “Let go of me, hyung.”
The smirk on Yoochun’s face was plain as he purred against Changmin’s neck. “No.”
Trying to take a deep steadying breath, Changmin pulled another drawer open fiercely, making the whole dresser rattle dangerously, and trying to ignore the way Yoochun was deliberately slipping his hands under the towel, fingers hot as they brushed lightly over the skin of his stomach.
“Hmm. I think Su was onto something here.” A deep chuckle. “What’s got into you, Min? Don’t tell me you’ve started …feeling something new, or…something you shouldn’t?” His words were accompanied with the movements of his hand, pressing his whole palm flat against Changmin’s skin. His whole body felt much too warm, tingling slightly with each brush of Yoochun's hand, and Changmin was terrified to feel just the things that Yoochun was whispering so heatedly in his ear.
Changmin was finding it very hard to breathe, partly from the seductive way Yoochun was treating him and, but mostly from the way every word the other said was just that much closer to the truth, and it scared him to death that he couldn't hide it nor deny it.
With the warm body leaning against his back and the confident, purposeful way Yoochun was touching him, Changmin really didn’t think he’d be able to play it off much longer. Already his body had betrayed him, leaning back ever so slightly into the one behind his, and he mentally cursed they way he seemed to be trembling slightly, knees gone weak. He was already acting so unlike himself that it would be pointless to lie to Yoochun and tell him he was wrong. Not to mention he was sure Yoochun could feel every last tremor.
If he could act like it wasn’t getting to him, pretended he wasn’t uncomfortable, then maybe Yoochun would give up. He forced an annoyed sigh. “Why don’t you go touch Junsu hyung instead? Stop teasing me so I can get dressed.”
Yoochun laughed in his ear. “Mmm, that’s fine Min, I like you more than him anyway. And I like you better like this.” His hands now roamed up to Changmin’s chest, and it was all he could do to suppress a shiver.
He couldn’t stop the panic rising in his throat. Why did Yoochun do this to him? Were those words really the truth? He usually never would have even considered it, as Yoochun was prone to groping whatever available warm body he came across, but nothing was certain for him anymore, and every little touch or word could mean everything.
He couldn’t pretend anymore. Couldn’t hide his troubled doubts and pained longing. He couldn’t stop his own body from shaking under those hands. If his secret lover really was Yoochun, then he definitely shouldn’t tease him like this.
His eyes slid closed and his hands gripped the edge of the drawer tightly to try and ground himself. “Yoochun. Hyung. Please, stop it.” The words were hardly above a whisper, but Yoochun heard them, his whole body going still.
A few long silent moments passed, neither of them moving as Changmin focused solely on keeping his breathing under control.
Not sure what response he would get, Changmin was still surprised when Yoochun slid his hands out from under the towel before tugging him closer again in a soft comforting way. A hug like all the ones he was so used to, familiar and safe. And then Yoochun was letting him go.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong to tease you. I just wanted to see...” Changmin stared down at the socks in his drawer as Yoochun took a step away. “I just want you to relax around me.”
Changmin let the words sink in a moment before he could manage a small nod. Whereas moments before he’d been so panicked and almost angry, now he felt emptiness surrounded with regret. He’d overreacted when Yoochun was just being his usual self. He turned with the word ‘sorry’ half way to his mouth but before he could speak a finger was pressed against his lips in a hushing motion.
“Shh. You don’t need to say anything. Just go tell Junsu what you meant by it so he wont come crying to me again, okay?”
Yoochun’s finger didn’t move from his mouth even as Changmin nodded slightly. He was now beginning to feel embarrassed by his out of control emotions that flared and waned without warning, and wanted Yoochun to leave as much as he craved that unassuming comforting hug again.
The other was watching him steadily, as if trying to read whatever was flitting behind Changmin’s eyes, and he almost would believe it if Yoochun said he understood. That gaze was penetrating and he felt himself shrink before it.
Yoochun’s finger slid down to trace his bottom lip lightly, pausing for a moment before he pulled his hand away to tug through his own long locks with an airy sigh.
“Honestly, Changmin…” His eyes slid closed for a moment before he opened them again only to look somewhere beyond Changmin’s shoulder. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I wish you wouldn’t hide from us…well, from me.” His eyes flickered back to meet Changmin’s. “You’re uncomfortable…and that’s making me uncomfortable.”
Changmin didn’t know what to say. Dead serious Yoochun was almost as hard to deal with as perverted Yoochun. He didn’t know how to react to either when all that raw energy was focused directly on him.
“I’m fine.” He mumbled without conviction, turning away to avoid those eyes. “Don’t worry about it.”
That got a loud snort out of Yoochun, and Changmin could see him shaking his head from the corner of his eyes.
He was saved further interrogation as Jaejoong chose that exact moment to come out of the kitchen. Already a few steps down the hall, it was a moment before he spotted them, though as soon as he saw Changmin he stopped dead in his tracks.
Changmin felt just as frozen, remembering only too clearly that Jaejoong hyung was the first person he’d rejected and ran away from. Jaejoong was obviously remembering it too, his expression was blank, devoid of emotion as his eyes slid quickly over Changmin’s towel-clad form. Changmin squirmed under the scrutiny, heart clenching more with every passing second in which Jaejoong didn’t say a word.
No offer to blow dry his hair, no huffy commands to get dressed warmly or god help him should he get sick. Just nothing.
Yoochun didn’t seem to be immune to the static charging the air, either. He gave Changmin a final troubled look before instantly moving over to Jaejoong’s side and brushing a hand across his cheek tenderly. A silent question if the other was alright or not.
The touch seemed to snap the other from his blank daze, and as he turned to look into Yoochun’s concerned eyes, the emptiness in his face was instantly replaced with a small, yet glowing smile.
“Hey, Chunnie. I was looking for you. Just made your favorite dish for dinner.”
Yoochun chuckled in delight as Jaejoong promptly looped his arm through the crook in Yoochun’s elbow, turning them both to lead him back to the kitchen from which Changmin could now smell delicious fumes wafting.
He didn’t even feel the growl of hunger in his stomach as the sharp pang in his chest at Jaejoong ignoring him as well as both hyungs just acting like he was invisible was too painful to think around. It shouldn’t hurt this much that Jaejoong would cook for Yoochun, would look so happy to see Yoochun, and it definitely shouldn’t hurt that as soon as he saw Jaejoong, all concern for Changmin had seemed to disappear from Yoochun’s mind.
Again, that horrible thought that the sweet looks they shared actually meant more than met the eye crawled through his brain, leaving dirty tracks in its wake.
Dejectedly he pulled on his clothes over his still damp body, dropping the used towels where he stood in the middle of the hallway. It was as if a thorn was thrust into his already open wound when he gloomily concluded that Jaejoong probably, no, most definitely, wouldn’t even get mad at him for it. He never could have even dreamed the man he looked up to so much would look at him with such a cold expression.
It was with dragging feet that he made his way over to the living room. He needed a distraction, and he paused in the doorway as he saw the room to be occupied with Yunho, lounging on the couch as he watched the news.
He hovered where he stood, not able to gather the courage to enter. He just knew Yunho would see his distress, would try to comfort him, but he doubted he’d have the strength to reject yet another intimate touch all in the same day. He still needed to find Junsu and apologize, anyway.
“You gona just stand there, or come in?” Yunho spoke without taking his eyes off of the television screen, and it startled Changmin.
Biting his lip and hesitating even more now that he’d been discovered, Changmin didn’t move. It was only a few moments before Yunho was looking over to see what was taking him so long. He blinked a few times as Changmin remained frozen in place.
He couldn’t decide. He wanted Yunho to just decide for him.
“Okay…well, I’ll be here if you change your mind.” Yunho was already turning back to the television even as he uttered the words.
He was as normal and as dense to other’s emotions as Changmin could hope for. That made up his mind for him, but just as he was about to enter the room a soft touch on his elbow held him back. Turning around he found Junsu looking up at him with hesitant eyes.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Junsu’s hand didn’t move from its place on his arm, fingers tightening slightly as if Changmin would try to pull away again. Guilt flared back to life within him in response to the part of him which immediately wanted to break away from the touch.
Unable to formulate a response, Changmin opted for the path of least resistance, allowing Junsu to tug him back down the hall to their bedroom, and allowing the small slender fingers that slid down his arm to slip around his hand, holding onto him in a firm yet gentle grip.
He couldn’t help but tighten his own fingers around Junsu’s hand as the other sat him down on his bed, settling beside him in a posture that meant he wouldn’t budge until he got what he wanted, and Changmin tried to breathe evenly as his eyes fixed on their intertwined hands. He knew Junsu was determined to get answers out of him, and his nerves twisted themselves into knots as he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to avoid giving Junsu what he wanted.
As if he could sense Changmin’s uneasiness, Junsu’s other hand came to pat his knee gently, and although the touch sent his stomach rolling once more, he did feel slightly comforted by the words hanging behind the gesture.
Junsu cleared his throat, fingers now tracing random patters across his knee. “Um… I’m really not sure where to start…” Even as the hushed voice filled his ears, Changmin didn’t remove his eyes from the path of that hand. “I was hoping you’d come to me first if I waited long enough…but now you just feel farther than ever.” He sighed. “And I’m sorry.”
Changmin swallowed thickly, heartbeat speeding up slightly as he felt Junsu’s eyes on his face. He didn’t know if he could do this, and although he should have known it was coming, he wasn’t prepared for the request. He stared fixedly down.
“Changmin-ah. Look at me.” Junsu leaned closer, his free hand coming up to gently cup his cheek, drawing Changmin’s face around so he could look him in the face. Unable to pull away, Changmin let his head be turned until he looked directly into those eyes, and instantly found it hard to breathe.
“I need to know why…” Junsu continued, holding Changmin captive with that deep irresistible stare. The hand on his face much too warm. “Just, please. Can’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
Changmin was frozen, completely helpless to whatever spell Junsu had put over him. And his heart was thundering in his ears because it seemed like Junsu knew. Like Junsu had been watching over him all this time. Like Junsu was asking him to just come out with it and reject him. Was it him? Had he sent letter after letter, all the while waiting for Changmin to realize…to respond? Changmin didn’t know how to ask.
He managed to break the gaze, closing his eyes as he drew in a shaky breath. Junsu’s hand dropped from his face, coming instead to rest on top of their still joined hands.
“You’re in love with someone, aren’t you?”
The accusation sent an electric jolt through Changmin. His eyes sprung open and he was suddenly clutching onto the hand in his own so tightly his hand ached. He searched Junsu’s face, unable to read the wistful expression he found there. Junsu stared back at him for a few long moments which were filled only with breathes so shallow they were almost nonexistent, before Junsu hesitantly bit his bottom lip.
“It’s…not me, is it?”
The words were spoken on a low breath, a halting whisper, and Changmin’s throat closed up. He didn’t know what Junsu wanted to hear…didn’t know if Junsu was genuinely asking for an answer, or if he was asking for confirmation and had guessed that Changmin was lost to someone else. And it really wouldn’t matter except Changmin couldn’t stop the terrifying feeling he got from seeing the expression in those eyes... as if Junsu was waiting for a ‘yes’.
Silence stretched between them as Changmin’s mind raced, knowing all the while that each moment he hesitated Junsu would start to form his own answer. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t see the shadow that filled those eyes.
“Changmin-ah.” Junsu tried again, relentless and ignoring the way Changmin silently pleaded for him to just give up. “It’s okay…” The tone to his voice indicated otherwise, that it was anything but okay, and Changmin miserably lowered his face, hiding behind his bangs.
“Did you write them?” The words were torn awkwardly from his mouth, breathless and tangled, and he choked as his heart almost tumbled out together with them.
He squeezed his eyes closed as Junsu didn’t reply. That could only mean one thing. Could only mean yes. He listened to the way Junsu breathed steadily beside him, the soft intake of air as he prepared to reply.
“Your letters…?”
Changmin’s heart completely stopped. It was Junsu.
Junsu loved him…and his head drooped lower, suddenly unbearably heavy on his neck. He was unable to lift it even a fraction, nor dared to face the other man as he admitted deep down that it really wasn’t okay that it was Junsu. He couldn’t lie. And he couldn’t bear the thought that’d he’d have to say no…that he’d be the one to cause someone who honestly loved him pain. He was so selfish.
But Junsu’s next words had him looking up again, this time in confusion. “Aren’t they…didn’t you write them for someone?” Junsu was looking at him with furrowed brows.
Changmin didn’t understand, only able to shake his head as Junsu cocked his head slightly, eyes boring into him with a sharpness he could almost literally feel pricking his skin.
“Are you saying that… all those letters you keep under your bed are from someone else?”
Changmin bit his lip, breath caught in his throat as Junsu blinked at him curiously, demanding an explanation although Changmin still couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that this meant it wasn’t Junsu who’d sent them. But what was Junsu talking about?
Junsu watched him, eyes questioning, but Changmin couldn’t force a single word out. He didn’t know what to say. After searching his face for a moment longer, Junsu let out a slow sigh.
“Seriously, stop looking at me like that. I’m just…I was only worried because you seemed so depressed.” Another sigh and Junsu finally pulled his hands away, rubbing them across his eyes tiredly before his eyes met Changmin’s again. “Why didn’t you tell us someone was giving you something like that? Why are you hiding this from us?” He didn’t even attempt to hide the accusing lilt to his voice, and Changmin thought the pout forming on that face couldn’t have been more out of place in such a situation.
Junsu didn’t understand. “I wasn’t hiding it-” He began protesting but Junsu huffed at him, the pout now fully formed as he glared back at him.
“Don’t lie to me, Min, I’m not stupid. You don’t need to explain to me why you thought stuffing them under your mattress was a good idea, but you can at least tell me why you kept this a secret from us. Don’t you trust us?”
Changmin was rapidly losing his control over what he thought was right and true as Junsu’s fierce accusations made him feel like the biggest idiot in the world. He hunched his shoulders defensively as Junsu crossed his arms across his chest.
“You don’t understand, hyung.” Changmin forced himself to take a deep breath. “I never would have hid anything from you. It’s just…I think…I mean, thought that…I know I was being stupid, but…I thought…”
He couldn’t force the words out, not with Junsu looking at him like that. How could he have suspected one of his hyungs? What had he been thinking? They would be disgusted if they found out he’d thought one of them loved him…it sounded ridiculous now that he was about to admit it out loud, as he was sure Junsu would be just as disgusted as soon as he heard the words now trapped in Changmin’s throat.
“Shhh.” Junsu’s hand came out again to touch his shoulder and it was all Changmin could do not to shrug it off. “Calm down and just tell me. Why-”
“Because I thought it was one of you.” Changmin cut him off, blurting out the words at the same time as he pushed himself back away from the other. He couldn’t resist looking into the face that was now frozen in mild shock, mouth forming a small ‘oh’, and then he was clenching his hands in his lap, struggling to control the sudden urge to cry, a lump lodging in his chest.
“Please, hyung. Don’t tell anyone.” He spoke to his hands, unable to look up. He didn’t want to see what expression would come next after his hyung got over his surprise. “I promise it was just…a stupid thought. I would never…Just don’t tell the others, please.”
Finally gathering enough courage to look up, Changmin was surprised to find not anger or disgust like he expected, but instead a sad sort of expression on Junsu’s face as the other continued to watch him.
He turned to him with pleading eyes, ready to beg should Junsu decide he had a problem and take it upon himself to tell the others, or worse bring it to the attention of the manager. He was terrified now of his fantasies being exposed, feeling like an idiot for not realizing how dangerous, and just how overall wrong his thoughts had been.
“Are you sure? Do you know…who?” Junsu was watching him closely, a strange look in his eyes, and Changmin didn’t know what to make of it. But at least the other didn’t seem repulsed by the idea, and it sent waves of relief crashing over him.
“It’s really not you?” He asked stupidly instead, unable to stop himself.
Junsu didn’t laugh, didn’t tease him, didn’t look like he thought he was crazy. He looked understanding, although that unexplainable sadness still lingered on his face.
“Sorry, Min. I don’t know anything about it.” He paused. “Have you told anyone else?”
“No.” The single word sounded as broken and miserable as Changmin felt, and it felt so good for once to not have to hide it, to just let it all out. “I didn’t know what to do.” He breathed in deeply as Junsu silently waited for him to continue. “I thought it was a joke or something…but,” He suddenly remembered what Junsu had said. “Did you read them?”
Junsu promptly nodded, looking more certain than Changmin had ever felt during the last few months as he answered confidently, “I believe every word.” Then his voice softened. “I had thought you were totally in love…that you were planning on giving them to someone, but now I see that’s not the case.” He smiled lightly, suddenly looking as if he felt uncomfortable, the awkward set to his shoulders a clear sign to Changmin that the older man was feeling uneasy.
His heart sank as Junsu coughed and looked away, his hands smoothing his hair down beside his ears in that distracted habit of his every time he felt nervous. Having no idea why Junsu should be uncomfortable when Changmin was the one with a secret admirer, Changmin could only watch wordlessly as Junsu suddenly got to his feet, mumbling something about having something he needed to do before he promptly turned to hurry out of the room.
And it was with a sick feeling, something knotted and heavy sinking into his stomach that Changmin fell back onto his bed. He had thought it would be relieving to find out something like this…to be able to cross Junsu off the list, to narrow the options and have someone on his side.
But for some reason he felt more troubled than ever. He couldn’t erase from his mind the expressions that had crossed the other’s face, and it somehow filled him with dread at the thought that Junsu had not really looked happy for him. And he couldn’t for the life of him understand why.
************
next: chapter 4~~~
a/n: ....:O ahg! what happened!!?? LOL
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