[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 2
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (2/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: not yet (will warn for later chaps~)
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: super long chappie! with jaemin interactions :P
Previous Chapters:
one |
*****
Every few days a new letter would arrive, looking exactly like all the others, yet filled with new words, poems, songs, and always love.
Changmin had started to become rather obsessed with the mail. Now paranoid and panicked that one of his hyungs would randomly decide to ‘help’ him with the chore, and discover his secret. He always made sure, double checking, that they were somehow otherwise occupied or entertained when the time of mail delivery grew close.
Handling them carefully, Changmin started to keep them under his mattress, wanting them to stay safe and always close at hand. Anywhere else was free range to Jaejoong’s random cleaning sprees, and various personal articles of the past had been found and displayed to gossip greedy eyes even when safely hidden away in the back reaches of his socks drawer or in the folds of one particular hideous, never-going-to-wear-again stage outfit.
He prayed that Jaejoong would never have a reason to lift his mattress, and felt slightly reassured at the fact that as much as his muscles were clearly defined, the older man was exceptionally weak.
Whenever he was sure no one would walk in on him lifting his mattress in the most suspicious way possible, he would slip the letters out and reread them over again in those spare moments that he used to fill with useless things like sleep.
The mystery of them took immediate strong hold of his mind until it was slowly becoming a central feature of his life.
More often than not, he’d find that he was letting himself secretly think that the letters were from him, his crush, since it was just too tempting. Moreover, in an area like this into which Changmin had never set foot, he had neither resistance nor self control. Love was overwhelming and thinking of it or feeling it always left him confused and uncertain, not to mention it hurt.
What’s more, it was all the more difficult since he was dealing with this all on his own. These letters, they were his secret. He hadn’t yet told, and didn’t ever plan on telling the others since he couldn’t make his mind up, and either way he wanted to be sure or certain before he ever even opened his mouth.
If it wasn’t from one of them, he guessed they’d probably make fun of him for actually falling for something like this. He wanted to avoid Yunho’s deep concerned stare, Yoochun and Junsu’s teasing jibes and comments, and Jaejoong’s barely there smirk as they brushed him off for being young and gullible.
And deep down, that small thread of ‘what if it’s one of them’ steadily wound tighter and tighter into a knot that was impossible to unravel and sat heavy and uncomfortable in his stomach from the moment he woke each day. He longed for it as much as he dreaded it.
For Changmin, dreams died hard, however foolish and obviously unrealistic they might be, and even consciously knowing all this, he still clung to the idea. It wasn’t easy for him to fall in love, and he didn’t want to ever love anyone else.
That was why he shouldn’t want to pretend it was from him, for if it wasn’t, he didn’t know how he could feel the same towards whoever it was from, as much as he cared for them.
After a couple weeks, the letters were still coming, even after Changmin was sure they’d stop. Every time he looked through the mail and spotted a new one, his heart would jump and he’d tell himself that now he knew for sure that it was real. There were so many letters now, it amazed him that his admirer still had more to say, but neither did he want them to stop.
It had soon gotten to the point where he was certain it had to be someone he saw every day, someone at work, and finally let himself seriously consider the option of one of his hyungs.
How else would they know him so well? How else would they sometimes drop little lines and hints that went straight home… it was someone he knew very well.
But still, for the life of him, Changmin didn’t know who. It didn’t help that as the maknae all four of his hyungs automatically looked after him, showered him with affection, and often treated him like a baby. It really could be any one of them.
He’d been watching them all intently for days now. Eyes always open and watchful, noticing every little thing one of them would say or do, especially when they were looking at or talking to him.
He was even changing his daily routine in his vigilant search, most notably gone were those extra minutes in-between working when he’d fall into a tickling match with Junsu, or curl up on the couch for a few minutes with his head on Yoochun’s lap. Gone too were the days he let Jaejoong feed him directly, or Yunho hold him on the couch as they talked for hours into the night.
No, he couldn’t do that anymore…not when it could be one of them.
Gone also was the careless ease with which he used to talk and act, he was more aware now of just what he might be implying or doing, and he continually had to hold himself back before he did something a little too intimate to one of them without thinking.
If any of them noticed any of these slight changes, he couldn’t tell, since they all remained solidly the same. Changmin wished almost desperately that none of them had ever been good actors, this constant state of worrying and guessing was wearing him down.
It was starting to keep him up at night, tossing and turning in his bed, covers thrown off because of the heat. He worried that if he didn’t find out soon, he was going to confront them all at once and beg for an answer.
The mysterious love letters had so completely taken over his life, and needing some time to himself with his tangle of emotions and thoughts, that each late afternoon would find Changmin sitting out in the sweltering heat, just waiting patiently for the mail to arrive.
When the mailman would show up devoid of any small white envelope, Changmin’s hopeful face would crash and his spirits would drop so quickly it was almost sickening.
And there he was again today, waiting quietly for the mail. Sitting by himself on the curb, doing his best to ignore the hot sun and the heavy heat that seemed to droop itself suffocatingly over him; he thought he could bear it if he just got his letter. He glanced at his watch with a sigh, fanning himself with his other hand, hating the feel of sweat on his forehead.
All of the sudden, the sound of footsteps drawing near penetrated his heat-slowed brain, and a shadow fell across him. Changmin blinked at the dirty sneakers that had come to a stop just in front of him, and looked up curiously, a smile crossing his face instantly as he met Jaejoong’s eyes.
“Hey, something happen with one of the others?” Jaejoong greeted him with a concerned stare, at the same time nudging Changmin with one foot to get him to scoot over a little.
Changmin obliged as he shook his head, watching as his hyung sat down beside him; he was holding a small plastic bag.
“What’re you doing here?” he wondered, watching as Jaejoong reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of water.
“I should be asking you the same thing.” Jaejoong scoffed, holding out the drink. “You keep disappearing on me these days, and I can’t help but worry. Not to mention you’re sitting out under the sun like it’s the best place to be, yet you haven’t drunk any water all day. I notice these things, Min.”
His expression was serious and Changmin felt guilty despite himself as he accepted the offered bottle. “And you know only too well that I’m the one who has to take care of you if you pass out from heat stroke.” His elbow nudged Changmin in the ribs, and he squirmed slightly, uncomfortable for more than one reason.
“Sorry.” He mumbled awkwardly, not realizing he may have worried any of his hyungs with his changed behavior lately. He had honestly believed none of them had noticed.
It figured that if any of them, Jaejoong would be the one to say something.
The man in question was eyeing him with a curious expression, and Changmin blinked at him in return. “What’re you doing sitting out here anyway?” Jaejoong asked off-handedly, sipping a little from his own bottle. “And if you don’t give me a good enough explanation I’m chasing your ass back inside right now.”
Changmin quickly looked away, concentrating on opening the bottle he was suddenly clutching in his hands. He didn’t really want to answer that question.
“Um, no reason… just nice out… I mean, it’s hotter inside right now, don’t you think?” he hedged, struggling with the lid.
Jaejoong’s hand was suddenly on his, gently lifting his fingers to take the bottle away. “Here, let me.”
Looking into Jaejoong’s face as he released his drink, Changmin tried to keep from staring too long at his hyung’s concentrated expression, wondering absently if this was Jaejoong’s real reason for coming to find him.
As Jaejoong opened it for him, Changmin spared a quick glance down the street, heart skipping a beat when he could see the mailman only a few houses down. He was here! What if he got a letter today?
As much as Changmin loved to have company, most especially Jaejoong’s, he couldn’t deny that the other couldn’t have come at a worse time. Not that Jaejoong would try to suddenly look at the mail anyway, though, right?
He gave a start as Jaejoong was suddenly pressing the now opened, cool bottle to his face. Changmin’s eyes whipped back around to stare in surprise as the older smiled at him with a small shake of his head.
“I told you so many times not to space out on me, remember? Do you even realize how annoying that is?”
Changmin frowned, grabbing the drink away and muttering how he didn’t do it on purpose as Jaejoong just chuckled to himself. Concentrating on downing the cold liquid as fast as possible so he wouldn’t have to talk, Changmin peeked out of the corner of his eyes to check where the mail was, and half-choked as he saw the mailman coming to a stop just in front of them.
“Oh, look, the mail’s here.” Jaejoong stated bluntly, bringing one hand to slap Changmin’s back as he coughed into his drink.
The man was already rummaging through his basket for their mail, and Changmin could swear he saw a small white envelope flash before going into the man’s hand. Jaejoong was patting him gently on the back now, hand running in comforting circles which Changmin almost couldn’t feel, as the mailman turned to look at them.
He was ready to panic when he saw the laughter in the man’s eyes, and the smile on his face. It was worse when the man actually opened his mouth to speak.
“So you’re out here waiting again?” He commented cordially, not seeming to notice Changmin’s petrified expression. “It’s actually easier for me since I can just hand it off to you.” So saying he held out the small pile, yet Changmin was far from being capable of receiving it.
Didn’t the man realize how potentially bad this situation was? Rigidly keeping himself from looking at Jaejoong, Changmin forced out a rather awkward laugh, taking the mail from the man with a little more force than usual. He dipped his head in thanks, without dropping his eyes from the man’s as he mentally commanded him to leave that instant.
To his just-a-moment-too-soon relief, the guy was turning away, and raising a hand in farewell. Before calling over his shoulder, “See you tomorrow!”
Turning to Jaejoong and rolling his eyes in the most natural way he could, Changmin was relieved to find the other smirking at him. It was one of the few times when Changmin could honestly say he wanted someone to be making fun of him, since that would mean Jaejoong didn’t know the real reason why he was waiting.
As much as this relieved him in the current situation, at the same time his heart was twisting in stubborn disbelief.
“You weren’t really waiting for the mail, were you?” Jaejoong asked teasingly, reaching out to jab one finger into his forehead. He didn’t seem to notice the way Changmin’s face had fallen slightly.
Changmin playfully slapped his hand away, pushing away those thoughts which were about to make short work of him. He took in every expression and word, and it seemed clear that the letters couldn’t be from him.
“Only he thinks I wait for the mail.” Changmin tried to brush the topic off; his hand had fallen to his side and was clutching the letters tightly.
Jaejoong laughed behind one hand and Changmin tried to join him, but the papers seemed to be burning his hand, and Jaejoong’s indifferent comments were hurting him incredibly. More than he could have thought.
He sadly admitted to himself that he was right to have hid it from the members, that he had known they would only tease him. But still, a small stubborn voice in his head protested, he couldn’t know for sure just because of this. Jaejoong could still be very good at hiding it…
“Are you okay?” Jaejoong’s voice suddenly penetrated his thoughts and Changmin looked up, realizing belatedly the expression he’d had on his face. He was peering into Changmin’s face closely, looking concerned, and Changmin quickly collected himself and slapped his hyung’s arm rather hard with a laugh.
“Ha, had you there!”
Jaejoong frowned and slapped him back sharply in retaliation, before reaching for him and trying to take hold of his ears so he could tug them just like Changmin hated so very much. Changmin dropped the mail and drink to turn on his heels and run in the other direction.
He didn’t get very far before Jaejoong suddenly hurdled into him from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist and tackling him into a nearby bush. They were a complete tangled mess of giggles and tickling fingers for a minute before suddenly Changmin’s world went black and the next thing he knew he was looking up at the sky, laying on his back on the ground.
Above him, Jaejoong was practically beside himself with worry, hands fluttering all over Changmin’s face, patting gently as he urged in a frantic voice for Changmin to come to his senses.
Blinking in confusion, Changmin waved a hand to indicate he needed a breather from the almost suffocating way Jaejoong was hovering over him.
But Jaejoong ignored him, sliding an arm under his shoulders and lifting him to a sitting position, a water bottle then pressing against his lips. The cool water felt like heaven against his parched throat, and he listened with half an ear as Jaejoong chided him about not taking care of his health or paying attention to the dangers of heat.
He had to admit he did feel like crap, and decided to just give in as Jaejoong collected their things before guiding him upstairs, acting the perfect part of a worried mother hen. All the while plucking out bits of leaves and sticks that had lodged in Changmin’s hair or stuck to his sweaty skin.
Needless to say, his not so great afternoon was cushioned slightly by the attention the others lay on him as Jaejoong relayed the story dramatically. Changmin couldn’t find any energy inside himself to refute, so he just let it all go as Jaejoong went on and on about the perverted mailman who’d hit on him and the way Changmin had been knocked out as he tried to protect him.
He would have found the whole situation extremely amusing if it weren’t for the fact that when he stole a few moments to check the pile of forgotten mail, only bills and adds met his expectant eyes. A wry smile tugged on his lips and faded almost as soon as it began, as he knew it was going to be another long, restless night.
*****
It was as if his body decided to punish him for his foolishness, he woke up feeling drained of all energy, head aching and full of a murky fog, one that seemed too seep out from him to fill the sky. It was a heavy grey blanket that pressed down on him, squeezing until his head began to pound.
Every stair he came up against seemed to trip him, every corner and door swung out to smack his shoulder, and every person seemed determined to walk right into him.
It wasn’t until the fourth person that stumbled into him suddenly wrapped strong arms around him that Changmin was able to blink away some of the fog clouding his mind and tear-drop shaped eyes full of concern were blinking up at him.
“Hey, you feeling okay?” Junsu’s arms tightened around his waist as Changmin’s head reeled, sending him swaying and leaning heavily against the shorter man. The other clucked lightly in rebuke, tugging and leading him gently to a nearby couch.
Changmin found himself laid down, his head pillowed on a warm lap, hair full of gentle petting fingers, his eyes filled with a soft white smile, and ears soothed with sweet Junsu-humming.
Everything was so blurry, yet at the same time so clear. Every touch and the look in those eyes, they calmed him and wrapped him up in warmth. And really…it really would be okay if it was Junsu who loved him.
After all it was obvious to everyone the bubbly man had a huge soft spot for the maknae, and moments like this seemed to be increasing as Changmin more often than not found himself exhausted and run down. Even though in almost every other aspect he was clueless to the point of being an airhead, somehow it was always Junsu who seemed to notice his moods first.
His eyes slid open at the sound of soft voices. Turning slightly he could see Jaejoong and Yoochun talking together across the room, tones low and seeming deep in conversation. Sitting nearby on another couch, lap full of papers was Yunho, who looked up suddenly and caught Changmin’s eye. The older man offered him a small smile and blew him a kiss.
Changmin blinked back at him tiredly, continuing to stare even after Yunho refocused on the things in his hands.
Why did it suddenly seem like all of them cared more about him than before? Why did they seem to trade off tugging him into random hugs, whispering words of encouragement and concern, taking care of him? Had it always been like this? He couldn’t remember.
Sitting up suddenly causing Junsu’s hands to fall back into his lap with a small sound of displeasure, Changmin decided he needed to get some fresh air. He really didn’t know what was going on anymore, and it was starting to be too much.
Ignoring the curious looks and tentative questions, Changmin left the room, making his way to the bathroom to spend the next few minutes furiously scrubbing his face with ice cold water. He needed to wake up and stop being such an idiot. A break, that’s what he needed. Because he didn’t think he could hide this for much longer.
Splashing water across his face a final time, he reached beside him blindly to feel for the paper towels, only for his fingers to meet what felt like soft fabric. Confused, he momentarily let his fingers wander, curling into…a shirt?
A sudden low chuckle out of nowhere startled his eyes open and he squinted up through water drops to find Jaejoong leaning with one hip against the counter. His dark eyes were sparkling with amusement and a small hand towel dangled from his fingers.
“Looking for this?”
Pulling his hand back from where it had been pressed against Jaejoong’s abdomen, Changmin nodded sheepishly. But before he could reach for the towel, words of thanks forming on his lips, the older man took a quick step forward and raised the cloth to Changmin’s face.
A hand slid around the back of his head to keep it in place, almost cradling, as Jaejoong pet and wiped his face dry. The touch was gentle, and so intimate it made his heart flip giddily and face heat accordingly, in much too short of time to fight down or prepare against…unless he forced himself to remember that this was much the way his mother would clean him up when he was younger.
And yes, he could convince himself that Jaejoong-hyung was simply acting on his entirely much too ample dose of motherly instincts, which had been dished out daily on each one of them since they’d all come together as a group.
Although his face was now relatively dry, the other didn’t stop the soft motions, fingers now moving from the back of his head to brush through his hair. Changmin squeezed his eyes closed, trying desperately to hold onto the image of his mother before him rather than his hyung. For as much as he should be used to this sort of attention, everything was so different now that he had a secret admirer.
And he couldn’t for a second let himself even dare to think that it could be the person who was now getting fingers tangled into the knots of his hair, tsking and chiding him in a voice that came from a location much too close to his ear for comfort.
Because this was just how Jaejoong hyung was, and there was nothing more to read into it, as it could very well have been Yoochun standing here getting pampered in his place.
Yes, most definitely Yoochun would be treated exactly the same way. After all, it was only last weekend when he’d found the two of them dozing on the couch together, not simply leaning on each other naturally as sleep took over, but literally twisted in each other’s arms.
Yoochun’s head had been resting on Jaejoong’s chest, wrapped up in his embrace, Jaejoong’s face laying against the other’s hair in a way that looked so much like he’d placed a kiss there…and he had found it looked so different than their normal displays of affection somehow, so shocking yet so romantic, of all things, that Changmin had stared with wide eyes like the innocent sheltered child that he was.
And he knew deep down a large part of that shock was that he was loath to think they might have found the thing he was looking for so desperately these days. It certainly looked like they had it in that moment…and that would mean that neither of them were the ones who’d written the letters.
He realized belatedly that the touch in his hair had stopped, and there was now hot breath hitting him directly in the face. He’d spaced out inside his own head again, in front of the one person who reminded him ten times a day how much he hated it. And he could literally feel eyes boring into him…That could only mean Jaejoong was very close to him…oh god…
Trying to keep himself under control and telling himself to keep his eyes closed until the danger passed, Changmin found his eyes popping open despite himself, only to find his worst fears come true.
Literally, only about two inches remained between their faces, and all he could see were those big black eyes. His smooth skin begged to be touched, and those soft looking lips curved into a smile that if he didn’t know better and hadn’t had so much blood rush to his head the last few minutes, he’d like to think looked far across the line of affectionate into something else entirely.
And he really couldn’t breathe, because Jaejoong was much too close, soft liquid eyes so enrapturing yet so unreadable that he knew he never should have opened his eyes. Especially since he had the strangest, almost urgent desire to lean forward just a little more, and his body was moving without him realizing it as if in a trance, holding his breath...closer, just the slightest bit closer...eye lashes fluttering...then Jaejoong’s soft smile grew wider, and he was moved backwards away from him so that Changmin could finally gasp in some fresh air.
Jaejoong's hand flew out to smack him hard across the chest, and he set his shoulders with a growl, his own fist flying out to meet nothing but air.
The laughter now spilling from Jaejoong’s lips was a welcome relief to that other intoxicating expression, and Changmin didn’t mind being the loser just for this once.
“What were you thinking about there, Changmin-ah?” Jaejoong practically leered at him, remaining just out of arms reach as his eyes flickered teasingly across Changmin’s face. “You got all weird on me again, pabo. You still don’t realize when you’re doing that, do you?”
Changmin scowled and took a quick step forward, just enough to let his hand fall with a resounding slap against Jaejoong’s arm before he pulled back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He wheeled around and walked quickly towards the door, ignoring it when Jaejoong called out after him, and wanting to distance himself from the situation that had much too many roiled emotions and close calls to be safely navigated any further.
He felt completely embarrassed about his own thoughts and how he reacted and felt in the presence of the other, and if he couldn’t hide it he’d just have to avoid it. At all costs.
He should have known Jaejoong wouldn’t let him go so easily. The older man was like a puppy, always a step behind following at his heel. And he knew he couldn’t win against him, not with the way Jaejoong whined and complained while rubbing the spot on his arm that was flaring a bright red, and not with the way his hands somehow were fast enough to snake out and sink into the tangles that still remained in the back of his hair.
Changmin hardly made it three steps out of the bathroom before Jaejoong’s searching fingers finally looped around a knot that didn’t come out when pulled and the resulting jerk to his scalp had tears in his eyes and had him stopping in his tracks.
“Ow! Hyung that freaking hurts!” He struggled to twist around, swatting at the arm that was just out of reach and stumbled as Jaejoong grabbed the arm instead and used it to pull him closer.
“Just hold still for a moment and I’ll get it out.” The older commanded distractedly, his free arm moving from Changmin’s arm to slip around his body instead, tugging him back against his chest in an attempt to keep him still. “I swear, I have no idea how you manage to do this to your hair. The one minute I take my eyes off of you-”
Changmin couldn’t reply. He couldn’t breathe now, either. But not because Jaejoong’s grip was too tight or cutting off his air, but because the other must not have realized the way their bodies now fit so closely together.
He could feel the hard muscles of his hyung’s chest flush full against him, the light press of his stomach with each breath of air that filled his lungs, and the strong arm slung around his front keeping him so close.
It wasn’t like he’d had any shortage of hugs from Jaejoong, even kisses on the cheek or forehead were in common supply, but right now was definitely not the time. He was too unstable, and hadn’t had a moment to collect himself and put up any walls.
His own hands were almost shaking as they rose to wrap around the arm holding him captive. Jaejoong was muttering in his ear as his fingers tugged and pulled at his hair.
Taking a shaky breath, Changmin managed to drag Jaejoong’s arm away, stepping away from the warm body and turning to look into Jaejoong’s face with a broken kind of desperation.
“Hyung, please.” He began, not even sure if he could keep himself from spilling all of his secrets right then and there. He was that much undone, out in the open and he wasn’t ready for this. “Please stop touching me.” Because someone loves me, and I can’t let go until I know who.
Jaejoong seemed lost for words, mouth parted slightly in slight shock as he gazed steadily back at him. When Changmin closed his mouth quickly, biting on his lip to stop the words that almost tumbled out after, Jaejoong’s face became blank and the stiffness that crooked his body was only too clear to Changmin’s pleading eyes.
He willed the other to understand him, to somehow know what he was going through and the reasons why him craving Jaejoong’s touch so much were a bad thing, but his chest swirled and choked on too many conflicting emotions that he couldn’t even understand it himself.
The other looked so guarded and obviously hurt, that Changmin turned away before he would reach out and wipe away the simple yet huge misunderstanding that now hung between them.
He wanted Jaejoong to misunderstand. He wanted to push him away and buy himself some time to figure things out before something happened that he’d regret. Before he said or did something that he couldn’t take back.
He couldn’t give into those warm eyes that drew him in unless that's really what Jaejoong was asking from him. He couldn't fall deeper the way he wanted until he knew who was watching over him and writing their heart out in ink. He couldn’t give up on them, on their hesitant confessions of love, just to give into his own desires.
Maybe it was too much to hope that Jaejoong would understand, but at least this time as he hurriedly walked away only empty silence accompanied him because the other did not follow.
******
next chapter: 3~~~
A/N: jaemin yes? jaemin no?? kekekekkeke jaemin angst.. oh yesss
Visitor Counter
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (2/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: not yet (will warn for later chaps~)
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: super long chappie! with jaemin interactions :P
Previous Chapters:
one |
*****
Every few days a new letter would arrive, looking exactly like all the others, yet filled with new words, poems, songs, and always love.
Changmin had started to become rather obsessed with the mail. Now paranoid and panicked that one of his hyungs would randomly decide to ‘help’ him with the chore, and discover his secret. He always made sure, double checking, that they were somehow otherwise occupied or entertained when the time of mail delivery grew close.
Handling them carefully, Changmin started to keep them under his mattress, wanting them to stay safe and always close at hand. Anywhere else was free range to Jaejoong’s random cleaning sprees, and various personal articles of the past had been found and displayed to gossip greedy eyes even when safely hidden away in the back reaches of his socks drawer or in the folds of one particular hideous, never-going-to-wear-again stage outfit.
He prayed that Jaejoong would never have a reason to lift his mattress, and felt slightly reassured at the fact that as much as his muscles were clearly defined, the older man was exceptionally weak.
Whenever he was sure no one would walk in on him lifting his mattress in the most suspicious way possible, he would slip the letters out and reread them over again in those spare moments that he used to fill with useless things like sleep.
The mystery of them took immediate strong hold of his mind until it was slowly becoming a central feature of his life.
More often than not, he’d find that he was letting himself secretly think that the letters were from him, his crush, since it was just too tempting. Moreover, in an area like this into which Changmin had never set foot, he had neither resistance nor self control. Love was overwhelming and thinking of it or feeling it always left him confused and uncertain, not to mention it hurt.
What’s more, it was all the more difficult since he was dealing with this all on his own. These letters, they were his secret. He hadn’t yet told, and didn’t ever plan on telling the others since he couldn’t make his mind up, and either way he wanted to be sure or certain before he ever even opened his mouth.
If it wasn’t from one of them, he guessed they’d probably make fun of him for actually falling for something like this. He wanted to avoid Yunho’s deep concerned stare, Yoochun and Junsu’s teasing jibes and comments, and Jaejoong’s barely there smirk as they brushed him off for being young and gullible.
And deep down, that small thread of ‘what if it’s one of them’ steadily wound tighter and tighter into a knot that was impossible to unravel and sat heavy and uncomfortable in his stomach from the moment he woke each day. He longed for it as much as he dreaded it.
For Changmin, dreams died hard, however foolish and obviously unrealistic they might be, and even consciously knowing all this, he still clung to the idea. It wasn’t easy for him to fall in love, and he didn’t want to ever love anyone else.
That was why he shouldn’t want to pretend it was from him, for if it wasn’t, he didn’t know how he could feel the same towards whoever it was from, as much as he cared for them.
After a couple weeks, the letters were still coming, even after Changmin was sure they’d stop. Every time he looked through the mail and spotted a new one, his heart would jump and he’d tell himself that now he knew for sure that it was real. There were so many letters now, it amazed him that his admirer still had more to say, but neither did he want them to stop.
It had soon gotten to the point where he was certain it had to be someone he saw every day, someone at work, and finally let himself seriously consider the option of one of his hyungs.
How else would they know him so well? How else would they sometimes drop little lines and hints that went straight home… it was someone he knew very well.
But still, for the life of him, Changmin didn’t know who. It didn’t help that as the maknae all four of his hyungs automatically looked after him, showered him with affection, and often treated him like a baby. It really could be any one of them.
He’d been watching them all intently for days now. Eyes always open and watchful, noticing every little thing one of them would say or do, especially when they were looking at or talking to him.
He was even changing his daily routine in his vigilant search, most notably gone were those extra minutes in-between working when he’d fall into a tickling match with Junsu, or curl up on the couch for a few minutes with his head on Yoochun’s lap. Gone too were the days he let Jaejoong feed him directly, or Yunho hold him on the couch as they talked for hours into the night.
No, he couldn’t do that anymore…not when it could be one of them.
Gone also was the careless ease with which he used to talk and act, he was more aware now of just what he might be implying or doing, and he continually had to hold himself back before he did something a little too intimate to one of them without thinking.
If any of them noticed any of these slight changes, he couldn’t tell, since they all remained solidly the same. Changmin wished almost desperately that none of them had ever been good actors, this constant state of worrying and guessing was wearing him down.
It was starting to keep him up at night, tossing and turning in his bed, covers thrown off because of the heat. He worried that if he didn’t find out soon, he was going to confront them all at once and beg for an answer.
The mysterious love letters had so completely taken over his life, and needing some time to himself with his tangle of emotions and thoughts, that each late afternoon would find Changmin sitting out in the sweltering heat, just waiting patiently for the mail to arrive.
When the mailman would show up devoid of any small white envelope, Changmin’s hopeful face would crash and his spirits would drop so quickly it was almost sickening.
And there he was again today, waiting quietly for the mail. Sitting by himself on the curb, doing his best to ignore the hot sun and the heavy heat that seemed to droop itself suffocatingly over him; he thought he could bear it if he just got his letter. He glanced at his watch with a sigh, fanning himself with his other hand, hating the feel of sweat on his forehead.
All of the sudden, the sound of footsteps drawing near penetrated his heat-slowed brain, and a shadow fell across him. Changmin blinked at the dirty sneakers that had come to a stop just in front of him, and looked up curiously, a smile crossing his face instantly as he met Jaejoong’s eyes.
“Hey, something happen with one of the others?” Jaejoong greeted him with a concerned stare, at the same time nudging Changmin with one foot to get him to scoot over a little.
Changmin obliged as he shook his head, watching as his hyung sat down beside him; he was holding a small plastic bag.
“What’re you doing here?” he wondered, watching as Jaejoong reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of water.
“I should be asking you the same thing.” Jaejoong scoffed, holding out the drink. “You keep disappearing on me these days, and I can’t help but worry. Not to mention you’re sitting out under the sun like it’s the best place to be, yet you haven’t drunk any water all day. I notice these things, Min.”
His expression was serious and Changmin felt guilty despite himself as he accepted the offered bottle. “And you know only too well that I’m the one who has to take care of you if you pass out from heat stroke.” His elbow nudged Changmin in the ribs, and he squirmed slightly, uncomfortable for more than one reason.
“Sorry.” He mumbled awkwardly, not realizing he may have worried any of his hyungs with his changed behavior lately. He had honestly believed none of them had noticed.
It figured that if any of them, Jaejoong would be the one to say something.
The man in question was eyeing him with a curious expression, and Changmin blinked at him in return. “What’re you doing sitting out here anyway?” Jaejoong asked off-handedly, sipping a little from his own bottle. “And if you don’t give me a good enough explanation I’m chasing your ass back inside right now.”
Changmin quickly looked away, concentrating on opening the bottle he was suddenly clutching in his hands. He didn’t really want to answer that question.
“Um, no reason… just nice out… I mean, it’s hotter inside right now, don’t you think?” he hedged, struggling with the lid.
Jaejoong’s hand was suddenly on his, gently lifting his fingers to take the bottle away. “Here, let me.”
Looking into Jaejoong’s face as he released his drink, Changmin tried to keep from staring too long at his hyung’s concentrated expression, wondering absently if this was Jaejoong’s real reason for coming to find him.
As Jaejoong opened it for him, Changmin spared a quick glance down the street, heart skipping a beat when he could see the mailman only a few houses down. He was here! What if he got a letter today?
As much as Changmin loved to have company, most especially Jaejoong’s, he couldn’t deny that the other couldn’t have come at a worse time. Not that Jaejoong would try to suddenly look at the mail anyway, though, right?
He gave a start as Jaejoong was suddenly pressing the now opened, cool bottle to his face. Changmin’s eyes whipped back around to stare in surprise as the older smiled at him with a small shake of his head.
“I told you so many times not to space out on me, remember? Do you even realize how annoying that is?”
Changmin frowned, grabbing the drink away and muttering how he didn’t do it on purpose as Jaejoong just chuckled to himself. Concentrating on downing the cold liquid as fast as possible so he wouldn’t have to talk, Changmin peeked out of the corner of his eyes to check where the mail was, and half-choked as he saw the mailman coming to a stop just in front of them.
“Oh, look, the mail’s here.” Jaejoong stated bluntly, bringing one hand to slap Changmin’s back as he coughed into his drink.
The man was already rummaging through his basket for their mail, and Changmin could swear he saw a small white envelope flash before going into the man’s hand. Jaejoong was patting him gently on the back now, hand running in comforting circles which Changmin almost couldn’t feel, as the mailman turned to look at them.
He was ready to panic when he saw the laughter in the man’s eyes, and the smile on his face. It was worse when the man actually opened his mouth to speak.
“So you’re out here waiting again?” He commented cordially, not seeming to notice Changmin’s petrified expression. “It’s actually easier for me since I can just hand it off to you.” So saying he held out the small pile, yet Changmin was far from being capable of receiving it.
Didn’t the man realize how potentially bad this situation was? Rigidly keeping himself from looking at Jaejoong, Changmin forced out a rather awkward laugh, taking the mail from the man with a little more force than usual. He dipped his head in thanks, without dropping his eyes from the man’s as he mentally commanded him to leave that instant.
To his just-a-moment-too-soon relief, the guy was turning away, and raising a hand in farewell. Before calling over his shoulder, “See you tomorrow!”
Turning to Jaejoong and rolling his eyes in the most natural way he could, Changmin was relieved to find the other smirking at him. It was one of the few times when Changmin could honestly say he wanted someone to be making fun of him, since that would mean Jaejoong didn’t know the real reason why he was waiting.
As much as this relieved him in the current situation, at the same time his heart was twisting in stubborn disbelief.
“You weren’t really waiting for the mail, were you?” Jaejoong asked teasingly, reaching out to jab one finger into his forehead. He didn’t seem to notice the way Changmin’s face had fallen slightly.
Changmin playfully slapped his hand away, pushing away those thoughts which were about to make short work of him. He took in every expression and word, and it seemed clear that the letters couldn’t be from him.
“Only he thinks I wait for the mail.” Changmin tried to brush the topic off; his hand had fallen to his side and was clutching the letters tightly.
Jaejoong laughed behind one hand and Changmin tried to join him, but the papers seemed to be burning his hand, and Jaejoong’s indifferent comments were hurting him incredibly. More than he could have thought.
He sadly admitted to himself that he was right to have hid it from the members, that he had known they would only tease him. But still, a small stubborn voice in his head protested, he couldn’t know for sure just because of this. Jaejoong could still be very good at hiding it…
“Are you okay?” Jaejoong’s voice suddenly penetrated his thoughts and Changmin looked up, realizing belatedly the expression he’d had on his face. He was peering into Changmin’s face closely, looking concerned, and Changmin quickly collected himself and slapped his hyung’s arm rather hard with a laugh.
“Ha, had you there!”
Jaejoong frowned and slapped him back sharply in retaliation, before reaching for him and trying to take hold of his ears so he could tug them just like Changmin hated so very much. Changmin dropped the mail and drink to turn on his heels and run in the other direction.
He didn’t get very far before Jaejoong suddenly hurdled into him from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist and tackling him into a nearby bush. They were a complete tangled mess of giggles and tickling fingers for a minute before suddenly Changmin’s world went black and the next thing he knew he was looking up at the sky, laying on his back on the ground.
Above him, Jaejoong was practically beside himself with worry, hands fluttering all over Changmin’s face, patting gently as he urged in a frantic voice for Changmin to come to his senses.
Blinking in confusion, Changmin waved a hand to indicate he needed a breather from the almost suffocating way Jaejoong was hovering over him.
But Jaejoong ignored him, sliding an arm under his shoulders and lifting him to a sitting position, a water bottle then pressing against his lips. The cool water felt like heaven against his parched throat, and he listened with half an ear as Jaejoong chided him about not taking care of his health or paying attention to the dangers of heat.
He had to admit he did feel like crap, and decided to just give in as Jaejoong collected their things before guiding him upstairs, acting the perfect part of a worried mother hen. All the while plucking out bits of leaves and sticks that had lodged in Changmin’s hair or stuck to his sweaty skin.
Needless to say, his not so great afternoon was cushioned slightly by the attention the others lay on him as Jaejoong relayed the story dramatically. Changmin couldn’t find any energy inside himself to refute, so he just let it all go as Jaejoong went on and on about the perverted mailman who’d hit on him and the way Changmin had been knocked out as he tried to protect him.
He would have found the whole situation extremely amusing if it weren’t for the fact that when he stole a few moments to check the pile of forgotten mail, only bills and adds met his expectant eyes. A wry smile tugged on his lips and faded almost as soon as it began, as he knew it was going to be another long, restless night.
*****
It was as if his body decided to punish him for his foolishness, he woke up feeling drained of all energy, head aching and full of a murky fog, one that seemed too seep out from him to fill the sky. It was a heavy grey blanket that pressed down on him, squeezing until his head began to pound.
Every stair he came up against seemed to trip him, every corner and door swung out to smack his shoulder, and every person seemed determined to walk right into him.
It wasn’t until the fourth person that stumbled into him suddenly wrapped strong arms around him that Changmin was able to blink away some of the fog clouding his mind and tear-drop shaped eyes full of concern were blinking up at him.
“Hey, you feeling okay?” Junsu’s arms tightened around his waist as Changmin’s head reeled, sending him swaying and leaning heavily against the shorter man. The other clucked lightly in rebuke, tugging and leading him gently to a nearby couch.
Changmin found himself laid down, his head pillowed on a warm lap, hair full of gentle petting fingers, his eyes filled with a soft white smile, and ears soothed with sweet Junsu-humming.
Everything was so blurry, yet at the same time so clear. Every touch and the look in those eyes, they calmed him and wrapped him up in warmth. And really…it really would be okay if it was Junsu who loved him.
After all it was obvious to everyone the bubbly man had a huge soft spot for the maknae, and moments like this seemed to be increasing as Changmin more often than not found himself exhausted and run down. Even though in almost every other aspect he was clueless to the point of being an airhead, somehow it was always Junsu who seemed to notice his moods first.
His eyes slid open at the sound of soft voices. Turning slightly he could see Jaejoong and Yoochun talking together across the room, tones low and seeming deep in conversation. Sitting nearby on another couch, lap full of papers was Yunho, who looked up suddenly and caught Changmin’s eye. The older man offered him a small smile and blew him a kiss.
Changmin blinked back at him tiredly, continuing to stare even after Yunho refocused on the things in his hands.
Why did it suddenly seem like all of them cared more about him than before? Why did they seem to trade off tugging him into random hugs, whispering words of encouragement and concern, taking care of him? Had it always been like this? He couldn’t remember.
Sitting up suddenly causing Junsu’s hands to fall back into his lap with a small sound of displeasure, Changmin decided he needed to get some fresh air. He really didn’t know what was going on anymore, and it was starting to be too much.
Ignoring the curious looks and tentative questions, Changmin left the room, making his way to the bathroom to spend the next few minutes furiously scrubbing his face with ice cold water. He needed to wake up and stop being such an idiot. A break, that’s what he needed. Because he didn’t think he could hide this for much longer.
Splashing water across his face a final time, he reached beside him blindly to feel for the paper towels, only for his fingers to meet what felt like soft fabric. Confused, he momentarily let his fingers wander, curling into…a shirt?
A sudden low chuckle out of nowhere startled his eyes open and he squinted up through water drops to find Jaejoong leaning with one hip against the counter. His dark eyes were sparkling with amusement and a small hand towel dangled from his fingers.
“Looking for this?”
Pulling his hand back from where it had been pressed against Jaejoong’s abdomen, Changmin nodded sheepishly. But before he could reach for the towel, words of thanks forming on his lips, the older man took a quick step forward and raised the cloth to Changmin’s face.
A hand slid around the back of his head to keep it in place, almost cradling, as Jaejoong pet and wiped his face dry. The touch was gentle, and so intimate it made his heart flip giddily and face heat accordingly, in much too short of time to fight down or prepare against…unless he forced himself to remember that this was much the way his mother would clean him up when he was younger.
And yes, he could convince himself that Jaejoong-hyung was simply acting on his entirely much too ample dose of motherly instincts, which had been dished out daily on each one of them since they’d all come together as a group.
Although his face was now relatively dry, the other didn’t stop the soft motions, fingers now moving from the back of his head to brush through his hair. Changmin squeezed his eyes closed, trying desperately to hold onto the image of his mother before him rather than his hyung. For as much as he should be used to this sort of attention, everything was so different now that he had a secret admirer.
And he couldn’t for a second let himself even dare to think that it could be the person who was now getting fingers tangled into the knots of his hair, tsking and chiding him in a voice that came from a location much too close to his ear for comfort.
Because this was just how Jaejoong hyung was, and there was nothing more to read into it, as it could very well have been Yoochun standing here getting pampered in his place.
Yes, most definitely Yoochun would be treated exactly the same way. After all, it was only last weekend when he’d found the two of them dozing on the couch together, not simply leaning on each other naturally as sleep took over, but literally twisted in each other’s arms.
Yoochun’s head had been resting on Jaejoong’s chest, wrapped up in his embrace, Jaejoong’s face laying against the other’s hair in a way that looked so much like he’d placed a kiss there…and he had found it looked so different than their normal displays of affection somehow, so shocking yet so romantic, of all things, that Changmin had stared with wide eyes like the innocent sheltered child that he was.
And he knew deep down a large part of that shock was that he was loath to think they might have found the thing he was looking for so desperately these days. It certainly looked like they had it in that moment…and that would mean that neither of them were the ones who’d written the letters.
He realized belatedly that the touch in his hair had stopped, and there was now hot breath hitting him directly in the face. He’d spaced out inside his own head again, in front of the one person who reminded him ten times a day how much he hated it. And he could literally feel eyes boring into him…That could only mean Jaejoong was very close to him…oh god…
Trying to keep himself under control and telling himself to keep his eyes closed until the danger passed, Changmin found his eyes popping open despite himself, only to find his worst fears come true.
Literally, only about two inches remained between their faces, and all he could see were those big black eyes. His smooth skin begged to be touched, and those soft looking lips curved into a smile that if he didn’t know better and hadn’t had so much blood rush to his head the last few minutes, he’d like to think looked far across the line of affectionate into something else entirely.
And he really couldn’t breathe, because Jaejoong was much too close, soft liquid eyes so enrapturing yet so unreadable that he knew he never should have opened his eyes. Especially since he had the strangest, almost urgent desire to lean forward just a little more, and his body was moving without him realizing it as if in a trance, holding his breath...closer, just the slightest bit closer...eye lashes fluttering...then Jaejoong’s soft smile grew wider, and he was moved backwards away from him so that Changmin could finally gasp in some fresh air.
Jaejoong's hand flew out to smack him hard across the chest, and he set his shoulders with a growl, his own fist flying out to meet nothing but air.
The laughter now spilling from Jaejoong’s lips was a welcome relief to that other intoxicating expression, and Changmin didn’t mind being the loser just for this once.
“What were you thinking about there, Changmin-ah?” Jaejoong practically leered at him, remaining just out of arms reach as his eyes flickered teasingly across Changmin’s face. “You got all weird on me again, pabo. You still don’t realize when you’re doing that, do you?”
Changmin scowled and took a quick step forward, just enough to let his hand fall with a resounding slap against Jaejoong’s arm before he pulled back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He wheeled around and walked quickly towards the door, ignoring it when Jaejoong called out after him, and wanting to distance himself from the situation that had much too many roiled emotions and close calls to be safely navigated any further.
He felt completely embarrassed about his own thoughts and how he reacted and felt in the presence of the other, and if he couldn’t hide it he’d just have to avoid it. At all costs.
He should have known Jaejoong wouldn’t let him go so easily. The older man was like a puppy, always a step behind following at his heel. And he knew he couldn’t win against him, not with the way Jaejoong whined and complained while rubbing the spot on his arm that was flaring a bright red, and not with the way his hands somehow were fast enough to snake out and sink into the tangles that still remained in the back of his hair.
Changmin hardly made it three steps out of the bathroom before Jaejoong’s searching fingers finally looped around a knot that didn’t come out when pulled and the resulting jerk to his scalp had tears in his eyes and had him stopping in his tracks.
“Ow! Hyung that freaking hurts!” He struggled to twist around, swatting at the arm that was just out of reach and stumbled as Jaejoong grabbed the arm instead and used it to pull him closer.
“Just hold still for a moment and I’ll get it out.” The older commanded distractedly, his free arm moving from Changmin’s arm to slip around his body instead, tugging him back against his chest in an attempt to keep him still. “I swear, I have no idea how you manage to do this to your hair. The one minute I take my eyes off of you-”
Changmin couldn’t reply. He couldn’t breathe now, either. But not because Jaejoong’s grip was too tight or cutting off his air, but because the other must not have realized the way their bodies now fit so closely together.
He could feel the hard muscles of his hyung’s chest flush full against him, the light press of his stomach with each breath of air that filled his lungs, and the strong arm slung around his front keeping him so close.
It wasn’t like he’d had any shortage of hugs from Jaejoong, even kisses on the cheek or forehead were in common supply, but right now was definitely not the time. He was too unstable, and hadn’t had a moment to collect himself and put up any walls.
His own hands were almost shaking as they rose to wrap around the arm holding him captive. Jaejoong was muttering in his ear as his fingers tugged and pulled at his hair.
Taking a shaky breath, Changmin managed to drag Jaejoong’s arm away, stepping away from the warm body and turning to look into Jaejoong’s face with a broken kind of desperation.
“Hyung, please.” He began, not even sure if he could keep himself from spilling all of his secrets right then and there. He was that much undone, out in the open and he wasn’t ready for this. “Please stop touching me.” Because someone loves me, and I can’t let go until I know who.
Jaejoong seemed lost for words, mouth parted slightly in slight shock as he gazed steadily back at him. When Changmin closed his mouth quickly, biting on his lip to stop the words that almost tumbled out after, Jaejoong’s face became blank and the stiffness that crooked his body was only too clear to Changmin’s pleading eyes.
He willed the other to understand him, to somehow know what he was going through and the reasons why him craving Jaejoong’s touch so much were a bad thing, but his chest swirled and choked on too many conflicting emotions that he couldn’t even understand it himself.
The other looked so guarded and obviously hurt, that Changmin turned away before he would reach out and wipe away the simple yet huge misunderstanding that now hung between them.
He wanted Jaejoong to misunderstand. He wanted to push him away and buy himself some time to figure things out before something happened that he’d regret. Before he said or did something that he couldn’t take back.
He couldn’t give into those warm eyes that drew him in unless that's really what Jaejoong was asking from him. He couldn't fall deeper the way he wanted until he knew who was watching over him and writing their heart out in ink. He couldn’t give up on them, on their hesitant confessions of love, just to give into his own desires.
Maybe it was too much to hope that Jaejoong would understand, but at least this time as he hurriedly walked away only empty silence accompanied him because the other did not follow.
******
next chapter: 3~~~
A/N: jaemin yes? jaemin no?? kekekekkeke jaemin angst.. oh yesss
Visitor Counter