[Fic] The Three Kisses - chapter 4
Title: The three kisses
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (4/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: this is super long ~ and somebody requested a certain scene which i squished in here so i hope it's okay ~ :P
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three |
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Now both Jaejoong and Junsu were avoiding him. Although they acted like nothing was wrong all during practice and training, as soon as they were home and left to themselves, they would turn cold and indifferent. Changmin was too unsure of himself to approach them or try to do anything about it.
And for the present, he found he didn’t really mind, in fact he did all he could to avoid them as well, unable to face the tension surrounding Jaejoong like a cloud nor the troubled dark waves a brooding Junsu could produce.
He found himself seeking out Yoochun or Yunho’s company more and more, and felt grateful, yet guilty, for the way none of them brought up the strange change in behavior of the two singers. If they didn’t mention it first, Changmin sure wasn’t about to either.
Yunho was a comfortable and safe distraction, always helping him simply by the fact that he was obsessed with his work and perfecting each thing he did. Changmin found he had a lot to learn from the dedication the other man possessed, and began following him around, tagging along wherever he could and letting himself be pulled into their work. Work…where things like emotions and feelings were thankfully absent.
When he got too worn down and tired from long hours of working on the exact same song for the umpteenth time, he’d look for Yoochun for a welcome change of pace. Equally serious about his profession, but whereas Yunho was precision and focused on honing skills, Yoochun was all liquid energy, letting everything flow out from the inside, an artist who let inspiration take control and guide him.
They would usually end up tangled deep in poetic themes, melodies and music bouncing off of each other in the sweetest of harmonies, until Yoochun would snap a one eighty and start teasing him mercilessly about something or another. He always seemed determined to draw out Changmin’s snarky smart-alec wit, and it felt good to bicker back and forth, throwing insults and being down right childish.
Because he desperately needed to release the building storm within himself, dangerously charged and sparking, boiling and churning out of control until he felt like he would soon explode.
A week passed in which the newly formed dynamic of the group somewhat solidified, and it was a relief as much as it plagued him to no end that two letters still showed up in the mail as if nothing had changed. It made Changmin seriously consider the fact that only two of his hyungs were currently on speaking terms with him, and he worried that fact around in circles in his head until he felt dizzy.
And although Junsu seemed to be consciously and deliberately striving to harbor unfriendly feelings towards Changmin, turning to face the other way when he came into the room, and even getting up to leave should it just be the two of them, Jaejoong wormed his way instantly back into Changmin’s thoughts starting the morning he woke up late and found breakfast all wrapped waiting for him, his name written in ketchup across his omelet. It had been circled with a heart.
Jaejoong seemed to have silently forgiven him, yet Changmin knew he still had to be the one to reach out first and put an end to the ‘no touching’ policy that enveloped them. He knew it was his own fault, he had asked for it, but he couldn’t help but crave the older man’s touches and affections. He just wanted to go back to normal, feeling horribly like a deprived child in need of that warm presence.
Throughout the day he’d watch Jaejoong from the corner of his eye, heart clenching each time Yoochun so naturally and effortlessly drew the eldest into a one armed hug, or when Jaejoong broke into fits of that infectious laugh as he successfully daubed flour on Yunho’s cheeks and smeared it into Junsu’s hair. Changmin ached to fill their places, but held himself back each time his body moved towards the other.
Though all day he pondered over the ways he could break the ice that had formed between them, he hadn’t actually planned on doing anything. He blamed it on what Yoochun called his ‘official lack of a spine’. Or else it was because of his ‘useless virtue of pride’.
Either way, waking in the middle of the night with a pounding head and a throat so parched it felt nearly closed in on itself, he hadn’t first seen the body lumped on the couch as he made his way into the kitchen to gulp glass after glass of water.
The water somehow couldn’t quench his thirst, and instead had his stomach rolling as he leaned heavily against the counter. When he was finally able to open his eyes which had clenched shut until the moment of dizzying queasiness passed, a faint bluish glow from the adjacent room caught his attention.
Someone had left the TV on, a steady blue screen that came up after a movie finished playing, and if he hadn’t been in such a haze he would have found the sight of Jaejoong sleeping forlornly on the couch something to worry about.
As it was he merely stopped halfway across the room, tracing the slumbering form with his eyes as the other slept obliviously on; one arm was hanging down the side of couch, while one cheek squished against the couch cushion in place of a pillow.
Smiling faintly as he took in the sight, Changmin found he couldn’t look away. Sleeping like this, Jaejoong was unable to hide from him, and those big dark eyes that had recently been filled with things Changmin couldn’t understand were finally closed and at rest.
Looking at him like this, Changmin could pretend nothing strange had happened between them. It was just Jaejoong hyung, and he padded forward silently on bare feet.
Wanting to take just a moment, a few seconds longer to drink in the comforting sight of that face relaxed and peaceful in a way it hadn’t been for days, Changmin hovered before the couch wishing he could keep this moment forever.
Because for some reason he felt he’d never get back to this easy comfortableness while they were both awake. He was afraid that his hyung would continue to look at him with those eyes that made him numb with their blank foreignness. He wanted his hyung back.
Blinking wearily, he realized he’d already fulfilled his one moment…quite a few more moments at that, but sagged where he was, kneeling before Jaejoong, eyes leveled with his face.
He would go back to bed in a minute; he just needed to…feel something, and make sure that the Jaejoong before him was still the same one he missed so deeply. God, he just wanted to touch him. He never knew how much he’d really been missing the warmth that only Jaejoong possessed, the soft tingle of sparks that were so unique to the dark man, until he placed his fingers hesitantly against the strands of raven black hair. Soft as silk, and begging him to keep going.
He ran his hand through the locks, savoring the way they slid against his fingers, loving the soft sound of contentment Jaejoong made. He’d always loved getting his hair pet, and didn’t mind that the rest of them teased him for being much too similar to a big cuddly cat.
Without realizing it, Changmin’s hand grew bolder, sinking deeper into Jaejoong’s hair with more ease and purpose that was a long formed habit. He had missed this too much, and now that he’d started he didn’t think he could stop. His free hand reached out blindly to latch onto Jaejoong’s hand that was trailing on the floor, and his heart skipped a beat when fingers closed around his gently in response.
He froze, staring with wide eyes into the face lit pale and blue from the TV screen behind them, but Jaejoong only shifted slightly, pushing his head deeper into the couch as if seeking more contact.
And Changmin realized he was holding his breath, that his head felt light, as if floating somewhere above his body, detached from his neck, and he tried to suck air back into his lungs but choked as his vision blurred. His head was spinning dizzily and it was all he could do to tilt a little to the left as his body crashed forwards into the sleeping form of Jaejoong.
Ending up with his pounding head pushed fully against Jaejoong’s side, Changmin weakly withdrew his hand from his hyung’s hair, pressing his knuckles against his throbbing temple instead. He couldn’t really think around the pain, as each pulse of blood through his head was like a jolt of hot pressure. A searing headache that grew stronger with each passing moment and left him blind and weak, laying where he’d fallen half sitting on the floor with his head resting on the couch.
He pressed his head against Jaejoong’s ribs more insistently as he moaned in pain, the touch little distraction from the ache filling his head, but he knew he wasn’t alone and that if he just held on a little longer it should all pass.
Each second felt like torture as he couldn’t feel anything but the pain, slicing through the center of his head and pressing hot coals to the backs of his eyes. It was all he could do to keep from crying, biting his lip harshly yet failing to keep back pained whimpers that crawled their way from his mouth.
And he should have realized he was crushing Jaejoong’s hand in his own feverish strength, because although the only thing he needed was to just be by Jaejoong’s side, feeling the warmth and comfort of his sleeping body until the headache passed and he was able to move away, he had inadvertently woken the other.
He thought he tasted blood in his mouth as he struggled through another rising swell of hot knives, pushing his head against Jaejoong as it peaked, and then it passed, returning to the dull throb, and that was when he realized there were hands in his hair, brushing it away from his sweaty face, and thick urgent whispers filled his ears.
He meant to say he was alright, to tell the other to just go back to sleep, to mention that he was also sorry, but words failed him in favor of more whimpering pathetic sounds and he gave in instantly to the strong confident touch of hands lifting his face, of the arms tugging him up to lay on the couch.
And he forced his eyes open, managing not more than a slit as another wave crashed against his skull, to be greeted with the sight of Jaejoong above him, a cooing face of concern, cool hands on his forehead, and the press of a water glass against his lips.
He wasn’t sure when or how the other gotten it, but he obediently swallowed the medicine pushed passed his lips, and didn’t resist the hands that continued to touch him. All over his face and hair, maneuvering him under a blanket and placing his head on some sort of pillow, one that was warm and hardly comfortable, but Changmin found himself snuggling into without thought.
With half of his thoughts lost to the headache, the rest tumbled over each other as he thought desperately that he needed to get back to bed, he had to get away from Jaejoong because he needed this too much. And he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help it. And he couldn’t really move, nor did he want to take his face away from where it fit against Jaejoong’s stomach, breathing in the scent that clung to his shirt.
He thought he would stay there just a bit longer until he could think clearly again, just a while until his head went back to normal, and this all would become a hazy memory like a dream, half awake pains that were soothed with touches he was only half aware of.
But the inside of his head was swirling and dancing, sweeping him off his feet and along and away. And he curled his fingers into that sweet smelling fabric that accompanied him into dark clouds as he floated on a quietly sung lullaby, lulling him on gentle lapping waves until he knew no more.
Changmin was thankful for the first time in his life that he was a restless sleeper. When not in his own bed, he would wake suddenly and completely at ridiculously early hours of the morning.
He guessed it was sometime just after sunrise as the light now filling the room was soft and grey, hushed with the sleepy breath of morning. And he was so incredibly warm, so incredibly comfortable, that he sunk halfway back into sleep as his ears filled with the sound of calm breathing.
He fell into a daze as he followed the sound, letting it hypnotize him, his own breaths matching it. Calm and relaxed, and there was a hand resting along the side of his neck and ear, fingers twisted into the ends of his hair. And he felt so protected…so loved…
He slowly blinked his eyes open again, becoming fully aware of his head pillowed in Jaejoong’s lap, his own arm slipped around the other’s lower back as he must have pulled himself closer during the night. Though he hadn’t any idea of how or why his hand had found its way under the fabric to lie against smooth warm skin, his cheeks flushed hot as his mind fully comprehended his position.
But he dare not move. He couldn’t.
Slowly, as if even moving his eyes too fast would cause the other to wake, Changmin lifted his gaze looking up into the sleeping face. Jaejoong’s head had fallen to the side, resting partly on his own shoulder, partly supported by the back of the couch. His face was relaxed, lips parted slightly in sleep, and Changmin found himself entranced.
He hadn’t had all that many chances to just watch someone else sleep, let alone someone like Jaejoong, who was always one of the first to rise and had a habit of pulling hats or pillows over his head while taking naps to block out the light.
Now he could stare to his heart’s content, and his eyes boldly traced over every feature, marveling at the phenomenon of sleep… and the beautiful way Jaejoong lay under its spell.
It could have been hours later, or only mere minutes, but as the world slowly came to life outside, faint noises blown up on the wind from the street, Changmin found himself opening his eyes that he hadn’t known were closed to find Jaejoong awake and looking down at him. His head was cocked slightly and the stare was intense, as if he’d been looking at him before he’d opened his eyes.
The look in those eyes was clear, no longer fogged by doubt and unsaid questions. He was actually looking at him full on, in the way they hadn’t done for countless days, and Changmin blinked sleep out of his eyes while trying to ignore or deny the sudden quickening of his heart.
Jaejoong moved his hand slightly, a soft touch in his hair, and eyes flitted over his face.
“How are you feeling?” He spoke suddenly, the quiet tone made all the softer by the honest look of concern and care on his face. Changmin couldn’t stop the sudden swell of his chest, like a bubble pressing against his throat, and he just felt so deliriously happy that he didn’t even attempt to stop the smile that broke over his face.
He wanted to say he was fine, wanted to say thank you and sorry, but before he could find his voice Jaejoong’s eyes began to harden, filling with a smoldering flicker that was dangerous as it was enthralling and he promptly lost all words as he couldn’t look away.
Then Jaejoong was grabbing his hair in a fist, not tight enough to hurt, but a clear sign of his obvious displeasure.
“I have no idea what is wrong with you, Min, but do you have any idea how worried I was to wake up in the middle of the night to find you like that?” He sucked in a breath fiercely as the glare fully took hold of his features. “You want me to leave you alone, but get sick the moment I’m not there to take care of you. Are you doing this on purpose just to make it hard for me? Learn how to take care of yourself, because I swear I can’t handle doing this one more time. You hear me?”
Changmin felt his insides crumple and shrink in on themselves with each word that left Jaejoong’s mouth, words that felt like hard little bullets of ice. They dug into him, biting and stinging where they struck and he was left speechless and felt a hole opening up within him as Jaejoong pushed his way out from under Changmin.
He fell back on to the couch as Jaejoong stalked swiftly from the room, the warmth that had filled Changmin disappearing along with him.
Taking a shaky breath, Changmin covered his eyes with both hands, pressing hard to rid them of the tingling sting that filled them.
He tried to think of something else, or tell himself that everything was okay, when he could only replay the harsh words over and over again in his mind. And he hated himself for being such a big baby that wanted to scream and cry, to make Jaejoong take back those words, to have Jaejoong continue to take care of him like he always had.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t take care of himself, it was the fact that Jaejoong no longer wanted to worry over him, care about him, and he choked on denial and regret as he knew it was all his fault and that everything had changed because of him, but that he hated it more than anything. Why couldn’t everything just go back to the way it was?
He would give anything to make it so, but didn’t know if it was possible, or how he could even try.
When Yunho walked into the room minutes later to find him gasping down air and eyes rimmed with red, Changmin didn’t care what the consequences may be as he threw himself into unresisting arms, wrapping himself within Yunho’s instant embrace tightly. Yunho didn’t ask him what was wrong, just held him steady, shushing him softly as Changmin struggled to regain his composure.
Changmin felt ashamed as he clung to the older man. He wanted to prove Jaejoong wrong, wanted to show he was strong on his own and that he didn’t need to be taken care of. That he didn’t even want such things from his hyungs.
He tried but failed to not melt into the kiss that was placed atop his head as he fiercely promised himself that this was the last time, he wouldn’t lean on anyone anymore, and blindly denied the fact that he wasn’t the one who finally broke away from the embrace and let go first.
After that interaction with Jaejoong, the next few days crawled uneventfully by. Jaejoong was no longer ignoring him outright, responding to his repeated attempts to make small talk with weak forced smiles, but still it was nothing like that brief moment he’d shown his normal self. He longed for it so much now. But as Jaejoong didn’t seem to want to show it again anytime soon, Changmin decided he would take fake smiles over nothing.
He kept running through his head exactly the best way to apologize and bring up what he wanted without it sounding awkward and downright wrong. For now, he’d have to postpone the moment as his brain seemed sluggish and continued to provide him with options like, ‘I want to feel you again, hyung’, or worse, ‘Please, touch me’.
He pounded his head with anything close at hand whenever such lines went through his head, and always regretted it later that he hadn’t reached for something softer than a vase or a music award. But he’d been forced to avoid pillows after Yoochun threw a fit when he’d caught him and thought he was trying to suffocate himself to death. Needless to say, the older now teased him at every opportunity about much more interesting or professional ways to end it all.
If the other didn’t let up by the end of that day, he had decided he’d let Yoochun feel a pillow pressed over his own face that night. He wondered if that might push the other over the edge too, and he’d have yet one more person giving him the cold shoulder.
Either way, everything seemed to have somewhat quieted down. Everyone seemed to be more focused on their work, having less time and energy to waste on treating him like an inanimate object, and he felt relieved for the lull in their silent fighting.
It was mid afternoon before there finally came some down time in which he found the chance to disappear, and gratefully slipped away unnoticed as Yunho and Junsu worked feverishly over the new dance moves and Jaejoong sat in the corner with his eyebrows furrowed, headphones in, and music cranked up, pouring over pages of music.
Changmin made his way down the deserted hallway, feeling more than a little empty and lost with the continued lack of babying from his hyungs, and only half paid attention to where his feet were leading him.
Around the corner and into the backroom that they used when they needed a few moments of sleep undisturbed.
He was surprised to find the room occupied, with none other than Yoochun who was sitting hunched over the table, back to the door, scribbling furiously on a table piled with stacks of papers that were half crumpled and strewn about haphazardly.
Changmin stepped into the room curiously, tilting his head as he came up behind the oblivious man, able to make out lines of writing half scratched out and revised. It seemed like he was in the middle of composing some lyrics.
He laid his chin on the man’s shoulder at the same time he suddenly asked, “Hyung, what are you writing?”
Yoochun let out a yelp of surprise, whole body jumping as he whirled around and shoved Changmin away all at the same moment.
His eyes were huge as he looked up into Changmin’s surprised face, and when their eyes met he closed his eyes as he let out a huge breath of air.
“Holy…shit, Min, don’t do that to me!” His hand pressed over his heart as if he could calm it down with the touch alone and Changmin bit his lip guiltily, not missing the way that Yoochun’s other hand tried to discreetly crumple the page he’d been writing on behind his back.
“Sorry.” Changmin mumbled, not really seeing the accusing glare that was being directed as him as he leaned over to try and get a glimpse of some of the pages littering the desk.
It was almost funny the way Yoochun suddenly whirled around and gathered the papers messily into his arms, pinning them against his chest. He turned his eyes back to Changmin and this time they were sharp and calculating.
“What- what did you see?”
There was a glint of uncertainty in his eyes, a darkness that hooded them and Changmin found he couldn’t read the expression behind it. “Um…nothing, really. What are you writing anyway?”
Although this whole situation and Yoochun’s odd behavior had suddenly raised huge warning flags within him, Changmin couldn’t stop the almost perverse curiosity that filled him up. This was just…too suspicious, and could it really be what he thought it was? And now that he’d obviously seen, why would Yoochun hide this from him?
Yoochun crumpled the pages further as he turned away from Changmin’s questioning eyes, scowling as he mashed them into a ball. “It’s nothing. None of your business. Just pretend you didn’t see anything.”
Changmin’s heart sank slightly and he pouted at the blatant callous way Yoochun was pushing him away, hiding from him.
“Hyung.” His voice came out almost whiny, and at any other time Changmin would have kicked himself for the sound that left his own lips, but Yoochun was definitely acting weird and he didn’t like it at all.
Yoochun looked up at his voice, guarded expression melting slightly as he met Changmin’s eyes. Changmin knew he couldn’t hide his hurt and disappointment. If those papers were what he thought they might be…he just wanted to get this over with, he didn’t want to be in the dark any longer. He bit his lip.
Sighing in what seemed to be resignation, Yoochun set the bundle of papers on the desk, and reached out to slip his fingers around Changmin’s.
“Sorry, Changmin-ah. I didn’t mean to say that. I just…” He sighed again, running one hand distractedly through his long hair. “You just surprised me, that’s all.”
Changmin continued to pout, letting it fall deeper until it became a frown. He was pretty sure of what he saw, and he needed an explanation. Yoochun was not meeting his eyes, and Changmin couldn’t explain the sharp feeling in his chest as he continued to watch the way his hyung seemed to not want him there. It hurt.
“Hyung…Why…what are you hiding from me?”
Yoochun’s head snapped back quickly at the words and he looked at Changmin for a long moment, eyes hard and penetrating. Changmin stared back, just wanting Yoochun to act like his normal self, just wanting to know what was wrong with him now and he couldn’t stand the awkwardness that seemed to stretch between them.
After seeming to search Changmin’s eyes for another few minutes, Yoochun gave a small sigh and turned away to look at the mess of papers beside him.
He reached out, was unfolding and smoothing out pages slowly and deliberately, and it was all Changmin could do not to lean over closer and get a better glimpse of what those pages contained.
Yoochun took his time in lying the pages back out, and Changmin noticed the way his fingers seemed to shake slightly, the tense line to his shoulders, the way the muscles in his jaw seemed to twitch. Waves of sudden nervous energy seemed to float off of the other and straight into Changmin’s stomach, filling it with flutters, butterflies taking flight as his heart sped up.
Finally, Yoochun seemed to select a single page, holding it tightly between both hands as he stared down at it silently. Then he turned back towards him, still not meeting his eyes, as he held the page out slightly in Changmin’s direction.
“Here. Just, read it- I…It’s stupid, but-”
Before he could finish his sentence, Changmin had surprised even himself at how fast his hands flew out to snatch the paper from Yoochun’s fingers. He quickly brought it up to his eyes, heart now beginning to pound in earnest as he read the first few lines. A poem or a song… it didn’t matter which… because it was undeniably a love letter, a confession, and Changmin knew it was Yoochun’s real feelings.
The older man sat silently, eyes turned to the floor, not once looking up as Changmin’s eyes flew down the page. His breath hitched as he read the words at the bottom, and his mind raced in time with his heart. It ended…just the same way…as all his letters.
Changmin’s eyes were wide, staring in shock at the page held in his hands. He wouldn’t have believed it, except he had found Yoochun in the act. All this time, he could have sworn it was not Yoochun…but as he lifted his eyes from the page to look into his hyung’s face, the expression there struck him deeply in the heart.
Yoochun looked…nervous…worrying his bottom lip as his eyes burned a hole in the floor. And as if he could feel Changmin’s eyes now resting upon him, a faint tinge of pink colored his cheeks, shoulders slumping slightly in a shyness Changmin had practically never seen on his hyung before.
It was definitely not the reaction he’d imagined, not the way he’d ever dreamed of this turning out…but Yoochun looked so vulnerable, with his handwriting so familiar and honest across the page in his hands…and Changmin felt something warm seeping through his chest.
Before he could question the feeling, he was leaning down, wrapping his arms tightly around Yoochun’s thin shoulders, burying his face against the warm skin of his neck. Yoochun gave a small start but didn’t say a word, didn’t move a single muscle as Changmin snuggled closer, suddenly feeling just as shy and wanting to hide from Yoochun’s eyes, just as much as he wanted to look into them and verify everything he’d read. Everything he’d felt. He couldn’t believe this was finally happening.
A few minutes passed and neither of them moved. Yoochun slowly began to relax in Changmin’s tight hold, and it wasn’t until Yoochun’s hands finally came up to slide gently around Changmin’s waist that Changmin sucked in a deep breath and let out the first thing that had been crowding against his mind, begging to be let out.
“Hyung. It… it was you? All this time…why…why didn’t you just tell me?”
Changmin squished his face against Yoochun’s neck more closely, eyes closed tightly. He had so many questions, wanted to hear so many answers, but Yoochun only tugged at his arms, pulling him back to look into his face with a small frown, eyes questioning.
“What are you talking about? How could you know about this…?”
It was Changmin’s turn to frown, and the warm feeling filling him up seemed to grow a little too hot to be comfortable. “How could I…? Hyung. I’ve kept every single one. All of…your letters. You have no idea how hard this has been. Why couldn’t you just…tell me?”
Yoochun shook his head slowly. “Changmin-ah. I’m sorry but I don’t know what you mean. Tell you what? You couldn’t have seen them before...”
Changmin’s mind went blank. Yoochun looked up at him with slight concern, eyes still looking oh so sad. But what did he mean, it wasn’t him? Why was he denying it when Changmin had the proof right here in his own hands?
“Hyung!” The word came out sharp with reproach and uncontrolled disbelief. He held the paper up in front of Yoochun’s eyes, shaking it slightly to emphasize its presence, fingers clenching it so it crumpled. “Then-then what’s this? Why is it the same? I know you know what I’m talking about. Just tell me honestly. Please.”
Yoochun’s eyes were dark and unreadable. And Changmin found it hard to breathe.
This…wasn’t what he’d expected at all. For some reason, it all seemed wrong. And that terrified him. Had this all been a joke… or worse, a mistake?
“I don’t know what you’re asking for, Min.” Yoochun finally broke their intense gaze, dropping his chin to stare at his feet. “I thought no one knew. And I know it’s stupid, I’m stupid, but…I just couldn’t keep it in any longer.” His fingers clenched the material of his pants as he spoke to his shoes. “I…does he know, too?”
Changmin’s heart sunk further as he started to realize that something really was wrong here. This…wasn’t about him. He could barely get his voice to work, and it came out the softest whisper. “Who?”
Yoochun was silent for another moment before the name slipped out, wrapped in emotion so strong it felt like a physical
blow to Changmin’s ears. “Junsu.”
“W-what?”
Yoochun raised his head again, looking at Changmin with such big imploring eyes, which were beginning to pool with tears. “Changmin-ah. I swear, I know I’ve gone crazy…I tried everything I could to stop it…but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just…I think I… love him.” His bottom lip trembled with the confession and Changmin could only stare at him stupidly.
He didn’t know what to say. He’d been such an idiot. This whole time…it had been a mistake. He’d gotten letters that weren’t meant for him…and here his hyung was falling apart before him.
Hands reached out beseechingly, wrapping around his wrist, tugging him easily down upon the other man’s lap. He didn’t protest as Yoochun crushed him into a hug, face pressing against his chest, body trembling violently against him. He felt completely unprepared and had nothing to give. He felt so empty.
“Hyung… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” It hurt so much to admit it. It hurt so much to let everything he’d built until now go, but it had never been his from the beginning. And he felt so ashamed, so incredibly stupid.
Yoochun was taking deep steadying breaths. At Changmin’s words he lifted his head. “Sorry? For what?”
Changmin stared into those eyes, so bare and laid open before him. And couldn’t bring himself to explain. How could he tell Yoochun he’d gotten his letters by mistake? How could he say he’d believed them and thought they were for him?
Yoochun sat back a bit more as Changmin continued to stare at him feeling stricken. He reached up to stroke a thin hand over Changmin’s cheek tentatively. “Changmin-ah, what’s wrong?”
Changmin instantly shook his head, already beginning to tell himself that he had never really actually believed any of it. He’d never fallen for it. He could just pretend he’d never seen them, pretend he’d never gotten them…that he didn’t know about it.
But his mouth betrayed him and words slipped out before he could restrain them. “Your other letters. Hyung… I didn’t know…I just, I know they’re not mine. But-”
“Other letters?” Yoochun interrupted him, voice confused, and Changmin nodded his head miserably.
He didn’t want to explain further, why couldn’t Yoochun just let him go and spare him further disappointment. He didn’t think he could hold his emotions back much longer. Struggling to stand up and get out of Yoochun’s embrace, he froze at his hyung’s next words.
“I never sent my letters anywhere. What are you talking about, Min? Did someone give you something?”
Changmin couldn’t meet his eyes. Now he was just confused again. How could they not be Yoochun’s? They were too similar to be a coincidence, and it could only mean it was some sort of mistake. And he felt so tired. He was sick of this.
Sinking back into the arms that continued to tug him down, Changmin let out a broken sound in between a sigh and a sob. “I don’t know anymore. I just got it in the mail, and I don’t know who sent it or why or if it’s even real. And I don’t even believe it, anyway. But I just got so confused…and-and then you’re writing the same thing, hyung. So I thought…I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m sorry.”
Arms were pulling him closer, comforting and warm and Changmin had had no idea how relieving it would be to spill his secret to someone who would be on his side, who would if not understand, at least comfort him. Junsu finding out the previous week had only made him so anxious and nervous, afraid Junsu was mad at him for some reason, and still just as unsure of what the others would think. But now he could maybe really let go.
“Changmin-ah, it’s okay.” Yoochun’s voice was so deep, confident and soothing. “I don’t know what’s going on but you have nothing to apologize for. And, thank you, actually. For…not judging me…I know it must be a shock to…and I’d understand if you feel uncomfortable with me…”
He trailed off and it took a great amount of energy to simply shake his head in denial, that no he wasn’t…and Yoochun seemed to understand.
A little while later and Changmin had collected himself enough to realize his position, sagged against Yoochun, wrapped securely in a hug. He quickly extracted himself and stood, turning away.
Yoochun stood up beside him. The older hesitated, opened his mouth to speak then choked on the words, biting his lip. Changmin gave him a furtive look. He hated to see the timid vulnerability on his hyung’s face. Pushing down his own issues, Changmin turned to face the other.
“Hyung, I…think you should give it to him.” Yoochun’s eyes widened slightly, and Changmin managed to give him a small smile. And he genuinely meant it when he continued, “It’s beautiful…what you wrote. I’m sure…he’d love it… love you.”
Yoochun looked at him quietly, as if trying to see if he was serious. But Changmin’s sincerity had been laid out clearly, and the other’s face slowly broke into a smile before he was leaping at him. Arms tight around his neck nearly choking him, and a sloppy wet kiss was smacked on his cheek.
“Oh, Minnie, I just love you so much, you have no idea!” He continued to deprive Changmin of air, twisting him from side to side before there was a small cough from the door.
They turned to find Yunho leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest, expression amused as his eyes followed the way Changmin struggled to extract himself from Yoochun’s clutches, feeling mortified. Yoochun just grinned at the leader, letting Changmin go only after receiving a rather sharp jab to the gut.
Changmin made his way out of the room, brushing by Yunho who winked at him cutely as he passed. He didn’t stay to hear Yoochun’s reply as Yunho asked the other what that was all about, and instead fled to find sanctuary on the roof.
He had just gone through so many emotional ups and downs, on top of finding out that Yoochun loved Junsu. And…for some reason he felt a bit lighter.
He wasn’t the only one going through this. Yoochun understood him…all the doubts and the excruciating pain of hiding. And…he now knew for sure that it wasn’t Yoochun who’d written all the letters he’d gotten in the mail. Though he wasn’t so sure about their validity now. It was too similar…too close…
Then there was Junsu. Although he still had no idea what was wrong with him, or why he was so upset with him, he only hoped it was nothing serious, that maybe having Yoochun confess to loving him would bring him back around. He could only hope that would be the case, as he couldn’t imagine getting in the way of his hyung now, not after he’d seen the other practically break down in front of him.
Changmin breathed in the cool evening air deeply. Closing his eyes and enjoying the light breeze that tugged through his hair.
If it really was one of the other two members... his heart squeezed as he considered the options. There was only two people left, and Changmin struggled desperately to force down the fluttering butterflies that instantly filled his chest as he realized who they were. Should he just go down there now and ask? He wanted to just get it all out in the open, get his answers.
He knew that with each confirmation, with each person he crossed off the list, the flicker of hope that was stubbornly embedded in his heart grew stronger. It sent tremors through his whole body as it was now that much closer, that much more possible that the same person he longed for was the one watching him.
But he knew he couldn’t do it yet. Yet again, not able to gather enough courage…would he ever be able to? Was that even his real reason? Finding out was what he wanted more than anything, right? Either way…he had to know. He’d do it soon. By the end of the week.
Taking a few more moments to solidify his decision Changmin opened his eyes and leaned back to look at the cloudy black sky. It seemed to reflect the confused uncertainty filling him up inside. He didn’t know why he felt uneasy, almost as if he didn’t actually want to know who had written them.
What if it wasn’t everything that he expected? He couldn’t explain why he felt that finding out wouldn’t make everything suddenly perfect like he wished, and he swallowed the dark thoughts down quickly before he could let his doubt grow any larger.
If only things could just be simple. If only love could be simple. But why were they trying so hard to hide themselves from him? Why would they do that when it was obvious to even people outside of the group that something was going on, that something was wrong and that it centered around Changmin. Did they really want to even be found out? He wasn’t sure, and this thought disheartened him even more than the recent attitudes of Junsu and Jaejoong.
With a sigh Changmin sank down against one wall, letting his legs stretch out before him. He had not the will nor the energy left to even think anymore. Which was why he hardly reacted as the door to the roof opened quietly, someone pausing in the threshold before walking slowly across the roof in his direction.
It was why his heart only fluttered a little, a shadow of its former strength, as none other than Jaejoong came up beside him, staring down at him silently as Changmin slowly raised his head and looked blankly back.
It was why he couldn’t stop that flutter from becoming a sudden heavy thudding as without a word Jaejoong dropped down to sit beside him, leaning back against the wall with a sigh, one shoulder brushing against Changmin’s ever so lightly.
And although Changmin followed the whole movement disbelievingly with his eyes, Jaejoong only tilted his head back to look up at the sky with a peaceful almost content expression. Yet again denying Changmin anything more intimate than just his presence. And as silence hung over them all the more heavily, Changmin fought down a weak smile.
As much as the man beside him was trying so hard to turn a cold shoulder, trying to continue to push him away, right now he was no longer alone. And it was all he needed.
Changmin sniffled as unbidden tears filled his eyes quicker than thought, because when he leaned ever so slowly to the right until his head came to rest upon Jaejoong’s available shoulder, the older man didn’t shrug him off or move away. Just remained solidly there, remained just perfectly what Changmin needed right now more than anything else.
Somehow the voice that squeezed itself from his closed up throat didn’t sound anything like his own. It wavered and shook, open and vulnerable, as he whispered the only thing he could comprehend in that moment.
“Hyung, I miss you.”
And his eyes slid closed when after a few long moments Jaejoong finally moved to return the gesture, his own head tilting to lean lightly against Changmin’s. It was as close to an answer as he could hope for, maybe even an apology or an ‘it’s okay’, and Changmin finally felt himself relax more completely than he could ever remember doing for what seemed like months on end.
He blearily thought that he really didn’t care about the letters anymore. Not if he could get moments like this back. This was all he needed and he thought he would die before he let it slip away from him again. No, he didn't need a love that only hurt and confused him. He was going to get everything back to the way it was before, starting with the man beside him.
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Next Chapter (five) ~~~~
Visitor Counter
Pairing(s): ??/Changmin
Length: Chaptered (4/?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings:
Genre: drama, romance, light angst
Summary: Someone’s writing Changmin love letters. How’s he supposed to identify his admirer when all four of his band mates seem like the one?
A/N: this is super long ~ and somebody requested a certain scene which i squished in here so i hope it's okay ~ :P
Previous Chapters:
one | two | three |
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Now both Jaejoong and Junsu were avoiding him. Although they acted like nothing was wrong all during practice and training, as soon as they were home and left to themselves, they would turn cold and indifferent. Changmin was too unsure of himself to approach them or try to do anything about it.
And for the present, he found he didn’t really mind, in fact he did all he could to avoid them as well, unable to face the tension surrounding Jaejoong like a cloud nor the troubled dark waves a brooding Junsu could produce.
He found himself seeking out Yoochun or Yunho’s company more and more, and felt grateful, yet guilty, for the way none of them brought up the strange change in behavior of the two singers. If they didn’t mention it first, Changmin sure wasn’t about to either.
Yunho was a comfortable and safe distraction, always helping him simply by the fact that he was obsessed with his work and perfecting each thing he did. Changmin found he had a lot to learn from the dedication the other man possessed, and began following him around, tagging along wherever he could and letting himself be pulled into their work. Work…where things like emotions and feelings were thankfully absent.
When he got too worn down and tired from long hours of working on the exact same song for the umpteenth time, he’d look for Yoochun for a welcome change of pace. Equally serious about his profession, but whereas Yunho was precision and focused on honing skills, Yoochun was all liquid energy, letting everything flow out from the inside, an artist who let inspiration take control and guide him.
They would usually end up tangled deep in poetic themes, melodies and music bouncing off of each other in the sweetest of harmonies, until Yoochun would snap a one eighty and start teasing him mercilessly about something or another. He always seemed determined to draw out Changmin’s snarky smart-alec wit, and it felt good to bicker back and forth, throwing insults and being down right childish.
Because he desperately needed to release the building storm within himself, dangerously charged and sparking, boiling and churning out of control until he felt like he would soon explode.
A week passed in which the newly formed dynamic of the group somewhat solidified, and it was a relief as much as it plagued him to no end that two letters still showed up in the mail as if nothing had changed. It made Changmin seriously consider the fact that only two of his hyungs were currently on speaking terms with him, and he worried that fact around in circles in his head until he felt dizzy.
And although Junsu seemed to be consciously and deliberately striving to harbor unfriendly feelings towards Changmin, turning to face the other way when he came into the room, and even getting up to leave should it just be the two of them, Jaejoong wormed his way instantly back into Changmin’s thoughts starting the morning he woke up late and found breakfast all wrapped waiting for him, his name written in ketchup across his omelet. It had been circled with a heart.
Jaejoong seemed to have silently forgiven him, yet Changmin knew he still had to be the one to reach out first and put an end to the ‘no touching’ policy that enveloped them. He knew it was his own fault, he had asked for it, but he couldn’t help but crave the older man’s touches and affections. He just wanted to go back to normal, feeling horribly like a deprived child in need of that warm presence.
Throughout the day he’d watch Jaejoong from the corner of his eye, heart clenching each time Yoochun so naturally and effortlessly drew the eldest into a one armed hug, or when Jaejoong broke into fits of that infectious laugh as he successfully daubed flour on Yunho’s cheeks and smeared it into Junsu’s hair. Changmin ached to fill their places, but held himself back each time his body moved towards the other.
Though all day he pondered over the ways he could break the ice that had formed between them, he hadn’t actually planned on doing anything. He blamed it on what Yoochun called his ‘official lack of a spine’. Or else it was because of his ‘useless virtue of pride’.
Either way, waking in the middle of the night with a pounding head and a throat so parched it felt nearly closed in on itself, he hadn’t first seen the body lumped on the couch as he made his way into the kitchen to gulp glass after glass of water.
The water somehow couldn’t quench his thirst, and instead had his stomach rolling as he leaned heavily against the counter. When he was finally able to open his eyes which had clenched shut until the moment of dizzying queasiness passed, a faint bluish glow from the adjacent room caught his attention.
Someone had left the TV on, a steady blue screen that came up after a movie finished playing, and if he hadn’t been in such a haze he would have found the sight of Jaejoong sleeping forlornly on the couch something to worry about.
As it was he merely stopped halfway across the room, tracing the slumbering form with his eyes as the other slept obliviously on; one arm was hanging down the side of couch, while one cheek squished against the couch cushion in place of a pillow.
Smiling faintly as he took in the sight, Changmin found he couldn’t look away. Sleeping like this, Jaejoong was unable to hide from him, and those big dark eyes that had recently been filled with things Changmin couldn’t understand were finally closed and at rest.
Looking at him like this, Changmin could pretend nothing strange had happened between them. It was just Jaejoong hyung, and he padded forward silently on bare feet.
Wanting to take just a moment, a few seconds longer to drink in the comforting sight of that face relaxed and peaceful in a way it hadn’t been for days, Changmin hovered before the couch wishing he could keep this moment forever.
Because for some reason he felt he’d never get back to this easy comfortableness while they were both awake. He was afraid that his hyung would continue to look at him with those eyes that made him numb with their blank foreignness. He wanted his hyung back.
Blinking wearily, he realized he’d already fulfilled his one moment…quite a few more moments at that, but sagged where he was, kneeling before Jaejoong, eyes leveled with his face.
He would go back to bed in a minute; he just needed to…feel something, and make sure that the Jaejoong before him was still the same one he missed so deeply. God, he just wanted to touch him. He never knew how much he’d really been missing the warmth that only Jaejoong possessed, the soft tingle of sparks that were so unique to the dark man, until he placed his fingers hesitantly against the strands of raven black hair. Soft as silk, and begging him to keep going.
He ran his hand through the locks, savoring the way they slid against his fingers, loving the soft sound of contentment Jaejoong made. He’d always loved getting his hair pet, and didn’t mind that the rest of them teased him for being much too similar to a big cuddly cat.
Without realizing it, Changmin’s hand grew bolder, sinking deeper into Jaejoong’s hair with more ease and purpose that was a long formed habit. He had missed this too much, and now that he’d started he didn’t think he could stop. His free hand reached out blindly to latch onto Jaejoong’s hand that was trailing on the floor, and his heart skipped a beat when fingers closed around his gently in response.
He froze, staring with wide eyes into the face lit pale and blue from the TV screen behind them, but Jaejoong only shifted slightly, pushing his head deeper into the couch as if seeking more contact.
And Changmin realized he was holding his breath, that his head felt light, as if floating somewhere above his body, detached from his neck, and he tried to suck air back into his lungs but choked as his vision blurred. His head was spinning dizzily and it was all he could do to tilt a little to the left as his body crashed forwards into the sleeping form of Jaejoong.
Ending up with his pounding head pushed fully against Jaejoong’s side, Changmin weakly withdrew his hand from his hyung’s hair, pressing his knuckles against his throbbing temple instead. He couldn’t really think around the pain, as each pulse of blood through his head was like a jolt of hot pressure. A searing headache that grew stronger with each passing moment and left him blind and weak, laying where he’d fallen half sitting on the floor with his head resting on the couch.
He pressed his head against Jaejoong’s ribs more insistently as he moaned in pain, the touch little distraction from the ache filling his head, but he knew he wasn’t alone and that if he just held on a little longer it should all pass.
Each second felt like torture as he couldn’t feel anything but the pain, slicing through the center of his head and pressing hot coals to the backs of his eyes. It was all he could do to keep from crying, biting his lip harshly yet failing to keep back pained whimpers that crawled their way from his mouth.
And he should have realized he was crushing Jaejoong’s hand in his own feverish strength, because although the only thing he needed was to just be by Jaejoong’s side, feeling the warmth and comfort of his sleeping body until the headache passed and he was able to move away, he had inadvertently woken the other.
He thought he tasted blood in his mouth as he struggled through another rising swell of hot knives, pushing his head against Jaejoong as it peaked, and then it passed, returning to the dull throb, and that was when he realized there were hands in his hair, brushing it away from his sweaty face, and thick urgent whispers filled his ears.
He meant to say he was alright, to tell the other to just go back to sleep, to mention that he was also sorry, but words failed him in favor of more whimpering pathetic sounds and he gave in instantly to the strong confident touch of hands lifting his face, of the arms tugging him up to lay on the couch.
And he forced his eyes open, managing not more than a slit as another wave crashed against his skull, to be greeted with the sight of Jaejoong above him, a cooing face of concern, cool hands on his forehead, and the press of a water glass against his lips.
He wasn’t sure when or how the other gotten it, but he obediently swallowed the medicine pushed passed his lips, and didn’t resist the hands that continued to touch him. All over his face and hair, maneuvering him under a blanket and placing his head on some sort of pillow, one that was warm and hardly comfortable, but Changmin found himself snuggling into without thought.
With half of his thoughts lost to the headache, the rest tumbled over each other as he thought desperately that he needed to get back to bed, he had to get away from Jaejoong because he needed this too much. And he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help it. And he couldn’t really move, nor did he want to take his face away from where it fit against Jaejoong’s stomach, breathing in the scent that clung to his shirt.
He thought he would stay there just a bit longer until he could think clearly again, just a while until his head went back to normal, and this all would become a hazy memory like a dream, half awake pains that were soothed with touches he was only half aware of.
But the inside of his head was swirling and dancing, sweeping him off his feet and along and away. And he curled his fingers into that sweet smelling fabric that accompanied him into dark clouds as he floated on a quietly sung lullaby, lulling him on gentle lapping waves until he knew no more.
Changmin was thankful for the first time in his life that he was a restless sleeper. When not in his own bed, he would wake suddenly and completely at ridiculously early hours of the morning.
He guessed it was sometime just after sunrise as the light now filling the room was soft and grey, hushed with the sleepy breath of morning. And he was so incredibly warm, so incredibly comfortable, that he sunk halfway back into sleep as his ears filled with the sound of calm breathing.
He fell into a daze as he followed the sound, letting it hypnotize him, his own breaths matching it. Calm and relaxed, and there was a hand resting along the side of his neck and ear, fingers twisted into the ends of his hair. And he felt so protected…so loved…
He slowly blinked his eyes open again, becoming fully aware of his head pillowed in Jaejoong’s lap, his own arm slipped around the other’s lower back as he must have pulled himself closer during the night. Though he hadn’t any idea of how or why his hand had found its way under the fabric to lie against smooth warm skin, his cheeks flushed hot as his mind fully comprehended his position.
But he dare not move. He couldn’t.
Slowly, as if even moving his eyes too fast would cause the other to wake, Changmin lifted his gaze looking up into the sleeping face. Jaejoong’s head had fallen to the side, resting partly on his own shoulder, partly supported by the back of the couch. His face was relaxed, lips parted slightly in sleep, and Changmin found himself entranced.
He hadn’t had all that many chances to just watch someone else sleep, let alone someone like Jaejoong, who was always one of the first to rise and had a habit of pulling hats or pillows over his head while taking naps to block out the light.
Now he could stare to his heart’s content, and his eyes boldly traced over every feature, marveling at the phenomenon of sleep… and the beautiful way Jaejoong lay under its spell.
It could have been hours later, or only mere minutes, but as the world slowly came to life outside, faint noises blown up on the wind from the street, Changmin found himself opening his eyes that he hadn’t known were closed to find Jaejoong awake and looking down at him. His head was cocked slightly and the stare was intense, as if he’d been looking at him before he’d opened his eyes.
The look in those eyes was clear, no longer fogged by doubt and unsaid questions. He was actually looking at him full on, in the way they hadn’t done for countless days, and Changmin blinked sleep out of his eyes while trying to ignore or deny the sudden quickening of his heart.
Jaejoong moved his hand slightly, a soft touch in his hair, and eyes flitted over his face.
“How are you feeling?” He spoke suddenly, the quiet tone made all the softer by the honest look of concern and care on his face. Changmin couldn’t stop the sudden swell of his chest, like a bubble pressing against his throat, and he just felt so deliriously happy that he didn’t even attempt to stop the smile that broke over his face.
He wanted to say he was fine, wanted to say thank you and sorry, but before he could find his voice Jaejoong’s eyes began to harden, filling with a smoldering flicker that was dangerous as it was enthralling and he promptly lost all words as he couldn’t look away.
Then Jaejoong was grabbing his hair in a fist, not tight enough to hurt, but a clear sign of his obvious displeasure.
“I have no idea what is wrong with you, Min, but do you have any idea how worried I was to wake up in the middle of the night to find you like that?” He sucked in a breath fiercely as the glare fully took hold of his features. “You want me to leave you alone, but get sick the moment I’m not there to take care of you. Are you doing this on purpose just to make it hard for me? Learn how to take care of yourself, because I swear I can’t handle doing this one more time. You hear me?”
Changmin felt his insides crumple and shrink in on themselves with each word that left Jaejoong’s mouth, words that felt like hard little bullets of ice. They dug into him, biting and stinging where they struck and he was left speechless and felt a hole opening up within him as Jaejoong pushed his way out from under Changmin.
He fell back on to the couch as Jaejoong stalked swiftly from the room, the warmth that had filled Changmin disappearing along with him.
Taking a shaky breath, Changmin covered his eyes with both hands, pressing hard to rid them of the tingling sting that filled them.
He tried to think of something else, or tell himself that everything was okay, when he could only replay the harsh words over and over again in his mind. And he hated himself for being such a big baby that wanted to scream and cry, to make Jaejoong take back those words, to have Jaejoong continue to take care of him like he always had.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t take care of himself, it was the fact that Jaejoong no longer wanted to worry over him, care about him, and he choked on denial and regret as he knew it was all his fault and that everything had changed because of him, but that he hated it more than anything. Why couldn’t everything just go back to the way it was?
He would give anything to make it so, but didn’t know if it was possible, or how he could even try.
When Yunho walked into the room minutes later to find him gasping down air and eyes rimmed with red, Changmin didn’t care what the consequences may be as he threw himself into unresisting arms, wrapping himself within Yunho’s instant embrace tightly. Yunho didn’t ask him what was wrong, just held him steady, shushing him softly as Changmin struggled to regain his composure.
Changmin felt ashamed as he clung to the older man. He wanted to prove Jaejoong wrong, wanted to show he was strong on his own and that he didn’t need to be taken care of. That he didn’t even want such things from his hyungs.
He tried but failed to not melt into the kiss that was placed atop his head as he fiercely promised himself that this was the last time, he wouldn’t lean on anyone anymore, and blindly denied the fact that he wasn’t the one who finally broke away from the embrace and let go first.
After that interaction with Jaejoong, the next few days crawled uneventfully by. Jaejoong was no longer ignoring him outright, responding to his repeated attempts to make small talk with weak forced smiles, but still it was nothing like that brief moment he’d shown his normal self. He longed for it so much now. But as Jaejoong didn’t seem to want to show it again anytime soon, Changmin decided he would take fake smiles over nothing.
He kept running through his head exactly the best way to apologize and bring up what he wanted without it sounding awkward and downright wrong. For now, he’d have to postpone the moment as his brain seemed sluggish and continued to provide him with options like, ‘I want to feel you again, hyung’, or worse, ‘Please, touch me’.
He pounded his head with anything close at hand whenever such lines went through his head, and always regretted it later that he hadn’t reached for something softer than a vase or a music award. But he’d been forced to avoid pillows after Yoochun threw a fit when he’d caught him and thought he was trying to suffocate himself to death. Needless to say, the older now teased him at every opportunity about much more interesting or professional ways to end it all.
If the other didn’t let up by the end of that day, he had decided he’d let Yoochun feel a pillow pressed over his own face that night. He wondered if that might push the other over the edge too, and he’d have yet one more person giving him the cold shoulder.
Either way, everything seemed to have somewhat quieted down. Everyone seemed to be more focused on their work, having less time and energy to waste on treating him like an inanimate object, and he felt relieved for the lull in their silent fighting.
It was mid afternoon before there finally came some down time in which he found the chance to disappear, and gratefully slipped away unnoticed as Yunho and Junsu worked feverishly over the new dance moves and Jaejoong sat in the corner with his eyebrows furrowed, headphones in, and music cranked up, pouring over pages of music.
Changmin made his way down the deserted hallway, feeling more than a little empty and lost with the continued lack of babying from his hyungs, and only half paid attention to where his feet were leading him.
Around the corner and into the backroom that they used when they needed a few moments of sleep undisturbed.
He was surprised to find the room occupied, with none other than Yoochun who was sitting hunched over the table, back to the door, scribbling furiously on a table piled with stacks of papers that were half crumpled and strewn about haphazardly.
Changmin stepped into the room curiously, tilting his head as he came up behind the oblivious man, able to make out lines of writing half scratched out and revised. It seemed like he was in the middle of composing some lyrics.
He laid his chin on the man’s shoulder at the same time he suddenly asked, “Hyung, what are you writing?”
Yoochun let out a yelp of surprise, whole body jumping as he whirled around and shoved Changmin away all at the same moment.
His eyes were huge as he looked up into Changmin’s surprised face, and when their eyes met he closed his eyes as he let out a huge breath of air.
“Holy…shit, Min, don’t do that to me!” His hand pressed over his heart as if he could calm it down with the touch alone and Changmin bit his lip guiltily, not missing the way that Yoochun’s other hand tried to discreetly crumple the page he’d been writing on behind his back.
“Sorry.” Changmin mumbled, not really seeing the accusing glare that was being directed as him as he leaned over to try and get a glimpse of some of the pages littering the desk.
It was almost funny the way Yoochun suddenly whirled around and gathered the papers messily into his arms, pinning them against his chest. He turned his eyes back to Changmin and this time they were sharp and calculating.
“What- what did you see?”
There was a glint of uncertainty in his eyes, a darkness that hooded them and Changmin found he couldn’t read the expression behind it. “Um…nothing, really. What are you writing anyway?”
Although this whole situation and Yoochun’s odd behavior had suddenly raised huge warning flags within him, Changmin couldn’t stop the almost perverse curiosity that filled him up. This was just…too suspicious, and could it really be what he thought it was? And now that he’d obviously seen, why would Yoochun hide this from him?
Yoochun crumpled the pages further as he turned away from Changmin’s questioning eyes, scowling as he mashed them into a ball. “It’s nothing. None of your business. Just pretend you didn’t see anything.”
Changmin’s heart sank slightly and he pouted at the blatant callous way Yoochun was pushing him away, hiding from him.
“Hyung.” His voice came out almost whiny, and at any other time Changmin would have kicked himself for the sound that left his own lips, but Yoochun was definitely acting weird and he didn’t like it at all.
Yoochun looked up at his voice, guarded expression melting slightly as he met Changmin’s eyes. Changmin knew he couldn’t hide his hurt and disappointment. If those papers were what he thought they might be…he just wanted to get this over with, he didn’t want to be in the dark any longer. He bit his lip.
Sighing in what seemed to be resignation, Yoochun set the bundle of papers on the desk, and reached out to slip his fingers around Changmin’s.
“Sorry, Changmin-ah. I didn’t mean to say that. I just…” He sighed again, running one hand distractedly through his long hair. “You just surprised me, that’s all.”
Changmin continued to pout, letting it fall deeper until it became a frown. He was pretty sure of what he saw, and he needed an explanation. Yoochun was not meeting his eyes, and Changmin couldn’t explain the sharp feeling in his chest as he continued to watch the way his hyung seemed to not want him there. It hurt.
“Hyung…Why…what are you hiding from me?”
Yoochun’s head snapped back quickly at the words and he looked at Changmin for a long moment, eyes hard and penetrating. Changmin stared back, just wanting Yoochun to act like his normal self, just wanting to know what was wrong with him now and he couldn’t stand the awkwardness that seemed to stretch between them.
After seeming to search Changmin’s eyes for another few minutes, Yoochun gave a small sigh and turned away to look at the mess of papers beside him.
He reached out, was unfolding and smoothing out pages slowly and deliberately, and it was all Changmin could do not to lean over closer and get a better glimpse of what those pages contained.
Yoochun took his time in lying the pages back out, and Changmin noticed the way his fingers seemed to shake slightly, the tense line to his shoulders, the way the muscles in his jaw seemed to twitch. Waves of sudden nervous energy seemed to float off of the other and straight into Changmin’s stomach, filling it with flutters, butterflies taking flight as his heart sped up.
Finally, Yoochun seemed to select a single page, holding it tightly between both hands as he stared down at it silently. Then he turned back towards him, still not meeting his eyes, as he held the page out slightly in Changmin’s direction.
“Here. Just, read it- I…It’s stupid, but-”
Before he could finish his sentence, Changmin had surprised even himself at how fast his hands flew out to snatch the paper from Yoochun’s fingers. He quickly brought it up to his eyes, heart now beginning to pound in earnest as he read the first few lines. A poem or a song… it didn’t matter which… because it was undeniably a love letter, a confession, and Changmin knew it was Yoochun’s real feelings.
The older man sat silently, eyes turned to the floor, not once looking up as Changmin’s eyes flew down the page. His breath hitched as he read the words at the bottom, and his mind raced in time with his heart. It ended…just the same way…as all his letters.
Changmin’s eyes were wide, staring in shock at the page held in his hands. He wouldn’t have believed it, except he had found Yoochun in the act. All this time, he could have sworn it was not Yoochun…but as he lifted his eyes from the page to look into his hyung’s face, the expression there struck him deeply in the heart.
Yoochun looked…nervous…worrying his bottom lip as his eyes burned a hole in the floor. And as if he could feel Changmin’s eyes now resting upon him, a faint tinge of pink colored his cheeks, shoulders slumping slightly in a shyness Changmin had practically never seen on his hyung before.
It was definitely not the reaction he’d imagined, not the way he’d ever dreamed of this turning out…but Yoochun looked so vulnerable, with his handwriting so familiar and honest across the page in his hands…and Changmin felt something warm seeping through his chest.
Before he could question the feeling, he was leaning down, wrapping his arms tightly around Yoochun’s thin shoulders, burying his face against the warm skin of his neck. Yoochun gave a small start but didn’t say a word, didn’t move a single muscle as Changmin snuggled closer, suddenly feeling just as shy and wanting to hide from Yoochun’s eyes, just as much as he wanted to look into them and verify everything he’d read. Everything he’d felt. He couldn’t believe this was finally happening.
A few minutes passed and neither of them moved. Yoochun slowly began to relax in Changmin’s tight hold, and it wasn’t until Yoochun’s hands finally came up to slide gently around Changmin’s waist that Changmin sucked in a deep breath and let out the first thing that had been crowding against his mind, begging to be let out.
“Hyung. It… it was you? All this time…why…why didn’t you just tell me?”
Changmin squished his face against Yoochun’s neck more closely, eyes closed tightly. He had so many questions, wanted to hear so many answers, but Yoochun only tugged at his arms, pulling him back to look into his face with a small frown, eyes questioning.
“What are you talking about? How could you know about this…?”
It was Changmin’s turn to frown, and the warm feeling filling him up seemed to grow a little too hot to be comfortable. “How could I…? Hyung. I’ve kept every single one. All of…your letters. You have no idea how hard this has been. Why couldn’t you just…tell me?”
Yoochun shook his head slowly. “Changmin-ah. I’m sorry but I don’t know what you mean. Tell you what? You couldn’t have seen them before...”
Changmin’s mind went blank. Yoochun looked up at him with slight concern, eyes still looking oh so sad. But what did he mean, it wasn’t him? Why was he denying it when Changmin had the proof right here in his own hands?
“Hyung!” The word came out sharp with reproach and uncontrolled disbelief. He held the paper up in front of Yoochun’s eyes, shaking it slightly to emphasize its presence, fingers clenching it so it crumpled. “Then-then what’s this? Why is it the same? I know you know what I’m talking about. Just tell me honestly. Please.”
Yoochun’s eyes were dark and unreadable. And Changmin found it hard to breathe.
This…wasn’t what he’d expected at all. For some reason, it all seemed wrong. And that terrified him. Had this all been a joke… or worse, a mistake?
“I don’t know what you’re asking for, Min.” Yoochun finally broke their intense gaze, dropping his chin to stare at his feet. “I thought no one knew. And I know it’s stupid, I’m stupid, but…I just couldn’t keep it in any longer.” His fingers clenched the material of his pants as he spoke to his shoes. “I…does he know, too?”
Changmin’s heart sunk further as he started to realize that something really was wrong here. This…wasn’t about him. He could barely get his voice to work, and it came out the softest whisper. “Who?”
Yoochun was silent for another moment before the name slipped out, wrapped in emotion so strong it felt like a physical
blow to Changmin’s ears. “Junsu.”
“W-what?”
Yoochun raised his head again, looking at Changmin with such big imploring eyes, which were beginning to pool with tears. “Changmin-ah. I swear, I know I’ve gone crazy…I tried everything I could to stop it…but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just…I think I… love him.” His bottom lip trembled with the confession and Changmin could only stare at him stupidly.
He didn’t know what to say. He’d been such an idiot. This whole time…it had been a mistake. He’d gotten letters that weren’t meant for him…and here his hyung was falling apart before him.
Hands reached out beseechingly, wrapping around his wrist, tugging him easily down upon the other man’s lap. He didn’t protest as Yoochun crushed him into a hug, face pressing against his chest, body trembling violently against him. He felt completely unprepared and had nothing to give. He felt so empty.
“Hyung… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” It hurt so much to admit it. It hurt so much to let everything he’d built until now go, but it had never been his from the beginning. And he felt so ashamed, so incredibly stupid.
Yoochun was taking deep steadying breaths. At Changmin’s words he lifted his head. “Sorry? For what?”
Changmin stared into those eyes, so bare and laid open before him. And couldn’t bring himself to explain. How could he tell Yoochun he’d gotten his letters by mistake? How could he say he’d believed them and thought they were for him?
Yoochun sat back a bit more as Changmin continued to stare at him feeling stricken. He reached up to stroke a thin hand over Changmin’s cheek tentatively. “Changmin-ah, what’s wrong?”
Changmin instantly shook his head, already beginning to tell himself that he had never really actually believed any of it. He’d never fallen for it. He could just pretend he’d never seen them, pretend he’d never gotten them…that he didn’t know about it.
But his mouth betrayed him and words slipped out before he could restrain them. “Your other letters. Hyung… I didn’t know…I just, I know they’re not mine. But-”
“Other letters?” Yoochun interrupted him, voice confused, and Changmin nodded his head miserably.
He didn’t want to explain further, why couldn’t Yoochun just let him go and spare him further disappointment. He didn’t think he could hold his emotions back much longer. Struggling to stand up and get out of Yoochun’s embrace, he froze at his hyung’s next words.
“I never sent my letters anywhere. What are you talking about, Min? Did someone give you something?”
Changmin couldn’t meet his eyes. Now he was just confused again. How could they not be Yoochun’s? They were too similar to be a coincidence, and it could only mean it was some sort of mistake. And he felt so tired. He was sick of this.
Sinking back into the arms that continued to tug him down, Changmin let out a broken sound in between a sigh and a sob. “I don’t know anymore. I just got it in the mail, and I don’t know who sent it or why or if it’s even real. And I don’t even believe it, anyway. But I just got so confused…and-and then you’re writing the same thing, hyung. So I thought…I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m sorry.”
Arms were pulling him closer, comforting and warm and Changmin had had no idea how relieving it would be to spill his secret to someone who would be on his side, who would if not understand, at least comfort him. Junsu finding out the previous week had only made him so anxious and nervous, afraid Junsu was mad at him for some reason, and still just as unsure of what the others would think. But now he could maybe really let go.
“Changmin-ah, it’s okay.” Yoochun’s voice was so deep, confident and soothing. “I don’t know what’s going on but you have nothing to apologize for. And, thank you, actually. For…not judging me…I know it must be a shock to…and I’d understand if you feel uncomfortable with me…”
He trailed off and it took a great amount of energy to simply shake his head in denial, that no he wasn’t…and Yoochun seemed to understand.
A little while later and Changmin had collected himself enough to realize his position, sagged against Yoochun, wrapped securely in a hug. He quickly extracted himself and stood, turning away.
Yoochun stood up beside him. The older hesitated, opened his mouth to speak then choked on the words, biting his lip. Changmin gave him a furtive look. He hated to see the timid vulnerability on his hyung’s face. Pushing down his own issues, Changmin turned to face the other.
“Hyung, I…think you should give it to him.” Yoochun’s eyes widened slightly, and Changmin managed to give him a small smile. And he genuinely meant it when he continued, “It’s beautiful…what you wrote. I’m sure…he’d love it… love you.”
Yoochun looked at him quietly, as if trying to see if he was serious. But Changmin’s sincerity had been laid out clearly, and the other’s face slowly broke into a smile before he was leaping at him. Arms tight around his neck nearly choking him, and a sloppy wet kiss was smacked on his cheek.
“Oh, Minnie, I just love you so much, you have no idea!” He continued to deprive Changmin of air, twisting him from side to side before there was a small cough from the door.
They turned to find Yunho leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest, expression amused as his eyes followed the way Changmin struggled to extract himself from Yoochun’s clutches, feeling mortified. Yoochun just grinned at the leader, letting Changmin go only after receiving a rather sharp jab to the gut.
Changmin made his way out of the room, brushing by Yunho who winked at him cutely as he passed. He didn’t stay to hear Yoochun’s reply as Yunho asked the other what that was all about, and instead fled to find sanctuary on the roof.
He had just gone through so many emotional ups and downs, on top of finding out that Yoochun loved Junsu. And…for some reason he felt a bit lighter.
He wasn’t the only one going through this. Yoochun understood him…all the doubts and the excruciating pain of hiding. And…he now knew for sure that it wasn’t Yoochun who’d written all the letters he’d gotten in the mail. Though he wasn’t so sure about their validity now. It was too similar…too close…
Then there was Junsu. Although he still had no idea what was wrong with him, or why he was so upset with him, he only hoped it was nothing serious, that maybe having Yoochun confess to loving him would bring him back around. He could only hope that would be the case, as he couldn’t imagine getting in the way of his hyung now, not after he’d seen the other practically break down in front of him.
Changmin breathed in the cool evening air deeply. Closing his eyes and enjoying the light breeze that tugged through his hair.
If it really was one of the other two members... his heart squeezed as he considered the options. There was only two people left, and Changmin struggled desperately to force down the fluttering butterflies that instantly filled his chest as he realized who they were. Should he just go down there now and ask? He wanted to just get it all out in the open, get his answers.
He knew that with each confirmation, with each person he crossed off the list, the flicker of hope that was stubbornly embedded in his heart grew stronger. It sent tremors through his whole body as it was now that much closer, that much more possible that the same person he longed for was the one watching him.
But he knew he couldn’t do it yet. Yet again, not able to gather enough courage…would he ever be able to? Was that even his real reason? Finding out was what he wanted more than anything, right? Either way…he had to know. He’d do it soon. By the end of the week.
Taking a few more moments to solidify his decision Changmin opened his eyes and leaned back to look at the cloudy black sky. It seemed to reflect the confused uncertainty filling him up inside. He didn’t know why he felt uneasy, almost as if he didn’t actually want to know who had written them.
What if it wasn’t everything that he expected? He couldn’t explain why he felt that finding out wouldn’t make everything suddenly perfect like he wished, and he swallowed the dark thoughts down quickly before he could let his doubt grow any larger.
If only things could just be simple. If only love could be simple. But why were they trying so hard to hide themselves from him? Why would they do that when it was obvious to even people outside of the group that something was going on, that something was wrong and that it centered around Changmin. Did they really want to even be found out? He wasn’t sure, and this thought disheartened him even more than the recent attitudes of Junsu and Jaejoong.
With a sigh Changmin sank down against one wall, letting his legs stretch out before him. He had not the will nor the energy left to even think anymore. Which was why he hardly reacted as the door to the roof opened quietly, someone pausing in the threshold before walking slowly across the roof in his direction.
It was why his heart only fluttered a little, a shadow of its former strength, as none other than Jaejoong came up beside him, staring down at him silently as Changmin slowly raised his head and looked blankly back.
It was why he couldn’t stop that flutter from becoming a sudden heavy thudding as without a word Jaejoong dropped down to sit beside him, leaning back against the wall with a sigh, one shoulder brushing against Changmin’s ever so lightly.
And although Changmin followed the whole movement disbelievingly with his eyes, Jaejoong only tilted his head back to look up at the sky with a peaceful almost content expression. Yet again denying Changmin anything more intimate than just his presence. And as silence hung over them all the more heavily, Changmin fought down a weak smile.
As much as the man beside him was trying so hard to turn a cold shoulder, trying to continue to push him away, right now he was no longer alone. And it was all he needed.
Changmin sniffled as unbidden tears filled his eyes quicker than thought, because when he leaned ever so slowly to the right until his head came to rest upon Jaejoong’s available shoulder, the older man didn’t shrug him off or move away. Just remained solidly there, remained just perfectly what Changmin needed right now more than anything else.
Somehow the voice that squeezed itself from his closed up throat didn’t sound anything like his own. It wavered and shook, open and vulnerable, as he whispered the only thing he could comprehend in that moment.
“Hyung, I miss you.”
And his eyes slid closed when after a few long moments Jaejoong finally moved to return the gesture, his own head tilting to lean lightly against Changmin’s. It was as close to an answer as he could hope for, maybe even an apology or an ‘it’s okay’, and Changmin finally felt himself relax more completely than he could ever remember doing for what seemed like months on end.
He blearily thought that he really didn’t care about the letters anymore. Not if he could get moments like this back. This was all he needed and he thought he would die before he let it slip away from him again. No, he didn't need a love that only hurt and confused him. He was going to get everything back to the way it was before, starting with the man beside him.
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Next Chapter (five) ~~~~
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