green sprouting
i feel afraid of all this wanting i've done.
how it's turning into an ordeal.
it isnt, really, until i realize that the one i want to be with the most is the one that i have the least chance of being with. i could actually say that i'm in love with her and nicolle was right about how loving girls is a stronger feeling than loving guys. it started a week and a half ago. punctuated with mushroom trips. the first time she came into the coffee shop, i'd never have known i'd be in this situation with her. she is beautiful. her eyes are like a persian cat's. they have the same coloring as peacock feathers and miniscule, sunflower-bud centers.
she has the sweetest plump-looking cheeks that are surprisingly boney to touch. and she has the most adorable voice. i want to call her right now to listen to her excitable up-and-down inflected speech. she is amazing, perfect, sadly so. i want to know her completely and that frightens me since wanting such things will get me nowhere. at least not quickly. there never seems to be enough time htough. i want her. i dont want any of the others.
i slept with jacob for the last time today. it felt like goodbye sex.
though, he assured me that we'd do it again sometime before he leaves for new york in september. he promised we'd do it in public. thats a little too hot. the way our farewell went down was better than i could have expected. we stayed outside in the sweet-smelling air and i re-realized how pale his eyes are. and how big his nose is and the orangey-red speckles in his beard were radiating. when we went back into the house i told him how tiny he was. he stopped in front of me so his back was against me and i wrapped my arms around him. and we swayed. then he put mirah on.
we gently cuddled. then he whispers to me : "can i do something that wont break your rules of not sleeping with me?"
"like what?" my eyes are rolling into the space above my eyes and i'm cringing. to sleep with him or not to sleep with him...?
"can i give you a massage?"
"ugh! YES!"
he tells me to lay on the bed. i intuitively strip off my shirts, my bra-less breasts tumble out. the armpits of my shirt are all dampened. i'd been sweating just imagining this. then he's on top of me with the ky. dripping it all over my torso. smothering me. i got my goddamn massage fix thats for sure. tension relieved! but it turned into hot passionate sex. the shame isnt really there. i needed a release. i needed his scent. his comfort his warmth.
but i need her more. he doesnt give me orgasms. he only tells me i'm beautiful when i coax it out of him. she does it all. but she's only the begining and i cant even have her as of yet. so what is there to do?
after we fucked, his roomate came home. his coworker came over as well. they're all bearded, gorgeous men. with man smell and man eyes and manly smirks. but they've got nothing on her perfection.
the day came to an end as we finished the 100 dollar wine from jacob's dad.
rode my bike home. showered, his smell was hard to remove. she came over. we ate sandwhiches and soup and ice cream. kissed. she was smart and went home. she has to get up early. she had to walk 35 blocks home.
bryan and i went to jordy's bonfire. awkward. so many bros all over.
josh mcnair called. his phone died. damn. pink house, what?
how it's turning into an ordeal.
it isnt, really, until i realize that the one i want to be with the most is the one that i have the least chance of being with. i could actually say that i'm in love with her and nicolle was right about how loving girls is a stronger feeling than loving guys. it started a week and a half ago. punctuated with mushroom trips. the first time she came into the coffee shop, i'd never have known i'd be in this situation with her. she is beautiful. her eyes are like a persian cat's. they have the same coloring as peacock feathers and miniscule, sunflower-bud centers.
she has the sweetest plump-looking cheeks that are surprisingly boney to touch. and she has the most adorable voice. i want to call her right now to listen to her excitable up-and-down inflected speech. she is amazing, perfect, sadly so. i want to know her completely and that frightens me since wanting such things will get me nowhere. at least not quickly. there never seems to be enough time htough. i want her. i dont want any of the others.
i slept with jacob for the last time today. it felt like goodbye sex.
though, he assured me that we'd do it again sometime before he leaves for new york in september. he promised we'd do it in public. thats a little too hot. the way our farewell went down was better than i could have expected. we stayed outside in the sweet-smelling air and i re-realized how pale his eyes are. and how big his nose is and the orangey-red speckles in his beard were radiating. when we went back into the house i told him how tiny he was. he stopped in front of me so his back was against me and i wrapped my arms around him. and we swayed. then he put mirah on.
we gently cuddled. then he whispers to me : "can i do something that wont break your rules of not sleeping with me?"
"like what?" my eyes are rolling into the space above my eyes and i'm cringing. to sleep with him or not to sleep with him...?
"can i give you a massage?"
"ugh! YES!"
he tells me to lay on the bed. i intuitively strip off my shirts, my bra-less breasts tumble out. the armpits of my shirt are all dampened. i'd been sweating just imagining this. then he's on top of me with the ky. dripping it all over my torso. smothering me. i got my goddamn massage fix thats for sure. tension relieved! but it turned into hot passionate sex. the shame isnt really there. i needed a release. i needed his scent. his comfort his warmth.
but i need her more. he doesnt give me orgasms. he only tells me i'm beautiful when i coax it out of him. she does it all. but she's only the begining and i cant even have her as of yet. so what is there to do?
after we fucked, his roomate came home. his coworker came over as well. they're all bearded, gorgeous men. with man smell and man eyes and manly smirks. but they've got nothing on her perfection.
the day came to an end as we finished the 100 dollar wine from jacob's dad.
rode my bike home. showered, his smell was hard to remove. she came over. we ate sandwhiches and soup and ice cream. kissed. she was smart and went home. she has to get up early. she had to walk 35 blocks home.
bryan and i went to jordy's bonfire. awkward. so many bros all over.
josh mcnair called. his phone died. damn. pink house, what?