Never Never Land Chapter 19 (Gibbs/Tony/Tim threesome, hurt/comfort)
Tony looked up to see Gibbs come into the house and he peered behind him.
“Where’s Tim?”
“Taking a walk. Calming down. He won’t be back for a while.”
Tony nodded and fiddled with the soggy label on the bottle of beer he had in his hands. Gibbs looked at the drink Tony had in his hands and grunted.
“Good idea”
Grabbing a cold beer from the large fridge in the kitchen Gibbs came and sat down next to Tony on the couch. He had seen the panicked look on Tony face as he watched Tim breakdown. It hadn’t been like the other times. This time there had been fear in it.
Tony faced crazed gunmen, ticking bombs even armed hostage situations with a constant fluid grace but when Gibbs had looked up Tony had been frozen into immobility. And that lack of movement spoke volumes to Gibbs. Stillness was rare in Tony and in the few times Gibbs had seen it, it was generally followed by running away, physically or emotionally.
Gibbs knew he needed to tread carefully here. He didn’t want to save one boy only to push away another. Tim’s all consuming anger had shifted the delicate balance between his two subs and it needed to be dealt with.
“Look, we need to talk”
Tony continued studying the carpet with great interest. Obviously Gibbs already knew something was up with him so there wasn’t any point in pretending.
God was this going to be it?
“When Shannon and Kelly were killed...”
Tony looked up in surprise. He hadn’t expected Gibbs to talk about himself. He figured that Gibbs was going to ream him out for that little freak out he had when Tim turned all John McEnroe on him and started throwing his tennis racket around. In fact he had been sitting here berating himself, feeling disappointed that instead of stepping up to the plate and helping Tim he had just stood there frozen, fighting the urge to run away. When would he ever learn to grow up?
Gibbs ignored Tony’s startled reaction, took a swig of his beer and continued.
“I was a mess. I couldn’t help thinking that things might have been different if I had been there. What was the point of fighting for your country when your family was fighting to stay alive back home? At first I was just in shock, numb and then reality hit me of what I had lost. Not just them but everything I thought I had in front of me. Shannon’s birthdays, Kelly’s graduation, her first date, going to her wedding, everything. I had it all and suddenly I had nothing.”
Gibbs sighed and rolled his cold beer between his rough hands “I went crazy with grief. I was so angry. I was angry at the entire world for taking everything away from me. I did .....some things. And I thought it would help. But in the end they were still gone. I had nothing.”
Gibbs turned and looked at Tony, making sure he was paying attention.
“Mike Franks saved me. For a long time afterwards I was just going through the motions, pretending I was alive and it wasn’t until I met him that anything changed. He gave me purpose, a new reason to keep on living. It wasn’t much at times but it was enough. He put up with all of my shit and gave me rules to give my life structure. Eventually I found I was living a life again. I was even happy”
Gibbs reached over and held Tony’s hand, giving it a squeeze and looked deep into his eyes wanting him to understand the importance of what he was telling him.
“You were a big part of that Tony. It was different than with Shannon and Kelly obviously but I realised I could care about someone. That I could love them. Trust them. That was a big deal for me.”
Tony felt scalded by the intensity of the look Gibbs was giving him. Gibbs broke eye contact allowing Tony to breathe again and he smirked and shook his head at himself.
“Especially as it was you DiNozzo”
Tony smiled, more comfortable now the conversation was on a humorous footing and he swept his hand through his dark hair in a matinee idol pose.
“Well I am pretty irresistible”
Gibbs rolled his eyes at him and Tony fell silent hoping he would continue. It wasn’t often that Gibbs was in a sharing mood.
“What I’m trying to say Tony is that it’s ok to be scared. I would be too if I didn’t know what he’s going through in a way. Look I know what we have been through is different but the grief is the same. I understand what Tim’s feeling when he doesn’t know whether he’s going to cry or scream.
But I also know it’s a good thing. He’s a bit crazy now, it feels like total overload for him but it will get better. I never understood what Franks was talking about a lot of the time but he was right. Tim can’t be locked away inside his head all the time. He needs to feel the good things but in order to do that he needs to feel the pain and the loss too. And that’s hard to deal with.”
Gibbs fell silent again as he sat beside Tony remembering those long months of nothingness he tried not to think about. How everyday seemed grey and all he felt was cold. How he couldn’t remember ever driving home and didn’t care if there was no food in the fridge. The mail sat unopened on the kitchen bench and one night the lights didn’t come on when he flipped the switch. So he just sat in the dark and waited for another day to begin.
It was Mike Franks that stuck hot food in front of him and more often than not he would wake up on Mikes couch with a rug pulled up over him. Mike got the bills paid and the heat turned back on. He even came at him with scissors and made him cut his hair. At first he hated him for it. Hated him for pretending to give a damn because when all’s said and done the world was cruel and heartless. When he had screamed at Mike and raged through his own house smashing vases and throwing picture frames Mike had simply waited until he had finished and then silently handed him a broom to clean up the mess.
Gibbs sighed and took a deep pull on his beer before he started talking again. He didn’t like talking much. It was something that he and Mike had in common but he needed to make Tony understand if he could.
“I tried to live shut down like that. I was even successful for a while but you become so rigid eventually you break. Tim needs to deal with this. Anger is good. It’s better than feeling like a helpless victim all the time. Anger will get you out of bed and moving around.
But being angry all the time doesn’t work either. It’s like a slow poison. It eats away at you. If he keeps that locked away inside it will kill everything we love about him. Do you understand Tony?”
Tony nodded “I think so.”
Gibbs nodded “Good cause he’s going to need you”
“Me? What is he going to need me for?” Tony couldn’t help the panic that started to pump through him at the thought that Gibbs was somehow relying on him to do the right thing with Tim.
Gibbs smiled softly and gently carded his hands through Tony’s hair.
“I’m his stability Tony but you? You’re his laughter and he’s going to need that just as much. Maybe even more so”
Tony leaned into Gibbs’s hand feeling the strength and confidence in the bond. Yes he could do this.
“And Tony?”
Tony looked up to see Gibbs looking at him intensely
“I need you, you understand that?”
Tony nodded, blinking back the tears that suddenly threatened. Gibbs leaned down and kissed him softly before turning and walking swiftly from the room, his eyes bright with unshed tears.
A few minutes of silence passed as Tony sat trying to pull himself together. Gibbs had asked him for his help. Gibbs needed him. Tim needed him.
Tony wiped the tears from his eyes with his hand as a moment Gibbs’ voice came out of the other room.
“Why don’t you find a movie you two can watch together this evening? “
Tony nodded, forgetting Gibbs couldn’t see him before he responded with forced nonchalance.
“Yeah. Good idea. Don’t think Robocop would be a good idea though. Something calming, maybe even Disney. Happy. Oh, ever seen Little Mermaid Boss? It’s a classic”
Tony heard the rough bark of Gibbs laugh and it put a genuine smile on his face.
“Whatever you think best Tony. How many DVD’s did you bring up here anyway?”
Tony laughed “What did you think all those suitcases I brought were clothes?”
The heavy silence was the only answer Tony needed.
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Evening was falling when Tim finally came back to the house. He looked red eyed and pale but calm, all traces of the violent rage from earlier wiped away except for a fine shaking of his hands from simple exhaustion. He looked down at Tony sprawled across one of the large couch’s in the lounge.
“Hey”
Tim’s voice was soft and hesitant as if he wasn’t sure of his welcome and Tony beamed up at him.
“Hey there. You ready for some dinner? Gibbs ordered up some Chinese.”
Tim nodded and stood fidgeting nervously and Tony paused
“You ok Tim?”
Tim nodded “Yeah. I am. Tony, I just wanted to say sorry for before. For flipping out on you like that. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t your fault. I was pretty rude to you out on the court but none of it was really anything to do with you. I just wanted you to know that.”
Tony was going to brush it off by saying something glib but when he saw the sag of Tim’s shoulders he knew it wouldn’t be enough. Instead he pulled him into a soft hug.
“Thanks for telling me Tim. I was kind of worried about it. I know I can be kind of a jerk sometimes”
Tony held onto the hug feeling Tim slowly soften into his embrace and drop his head down onto his shoulder.
Then he heard a sniff and he felt Tim smile into his neck
“Yeah. Jerk”
Tony smiled and tightened his grasp around Tim’s slender waist as he turned his head and whispered into Tim’s ear
“Geek”
“Jock”
“Nerd”
“Obnoxious pain in the ass”
“Kiss ass”
“Old man”
The whispered endearments bantered back and forth between them became louder until the two men were practically sniggering in each other’s arms and that was how Gibbs found them a moment later when he walked in with bags of steaming fragrant white boxes.
He raised an eyebrow as the two men sprang apart guiltily.
“Hungry Tim?” Gibbs asked not wanting to spoil the atmosphere with any mention of the afternoon.
With a flick of Gibbs’s head Tony gathered up plates and Tim got drinks from the kitchen and they trailed after Gibbs back into the lounge. Settling down onto the floor at Gibbs’s feet the two subs grabbed plates and waited for Gibbs to serve up their meals.
Knowing each of his boy’s preferences Gibbs piled their plates high before serving himself. Tony was eyeing Tim’s skill with his chopsticks with envy.
“You are really going to have to teach me that one day”
Tim nodded and agreed with his mouth full.
“One day”
Gibbs smirked and started in on his own plate. It seemed his boys had crossed over their little awkwardness and he settled back into the cushions with a contented sigh.
Tony grabbed the remote and started the movie playing while Tim turned to him with one eyebrow raised high.
“Are you serious Tony? Little Mermaid?”
Tony pretended to look offended “What? It’s a classic. Besides I like it. A dancing singing crab, a beautiful girl, a singing villain, loves conquers all. What’s not to like?”
Tim frowned and gave him an odd look but settled back against the couch and continued eating. Tony snuck a look and saw the little smile on Tim’s face as he watched entranced, slowly clearing his plate until he finally finished with a happy sigh. Putting his plate down he switched off the lights and snuggled into Tony shoulder and continued to watch the movie.
“I saw this movie with Sarah. Years ago. She was only little and wanted to be Arial” Tim murmured sleepily.
“Ummm” Tony answered stroking Tim’s silky hair with one hand
“She kept hopping in the bath hoping she would get a tail”
Tony sniggered quietly and pulled Tim closer.
“Tony? Remind me when we get back to catch up with Sarah. I haven’t seen her in a while and she must be worried about me”
Gibbs took another swig of his beer, blinking rapidly as his heart ached, glad that Tony and Tim were on the floor. Kelly had loved The Little Mermaid. He hadn’t the heart to turn Tony down when he suggested it. Today’s talk had brought back to him all that he had lost. It also reminded him of how hard he would be willing to fight to keep it.
And that’s what he was going to do. He was going to fight to keep both his boys by his side. They needed him. And he needed them.
Tony peeked at Tim’s face to see if he was asleep. Nope, not yet. There was still a flutter of curved eyelashes as he tried to stay awake to watch the movie. Tony smirked and relaxed back to watch. He really was a genius. The Little Mermaid had been the perfect choice.
Gibbs sat in the dark and watched the smiling red haired girl in a wedding dress wave goodbye to her father and tried not to think of what might have been.