Something has changed
Something has changed in me that is profound. There is a space and a peace that is there all the time and accessible. I should really say that the resistance to being there is no longer what it was. I can go to that place, be in its power now instead of mine. I make it sound too big here in some sense, but it is not about believing or thinking, but knowing. It is some immense space that I am barely dipping into really but the shift seems very real. It is the space that has always been there. I am aware of the thing that is looking out of the eyes, from there, the things that are the personality have little power, and everything becomes truth.
It some ways and sometimes it is a subtle shift but then I can give it full power in a moment it seems very present. I must sound like a raving lunatic.
Meanwhile, my marriage seems to move closer to the brink. I feel intolerant of the bullshit, intolerant of the anger and the dismissal. Maybe the fear of loneliness is what keeps me in this. Actually, I am sure that is it a collection that keeps me in. The list: my daughter, my daughter, my daughter, money, stubbornness, loneliness, etc. Oh, and I love my wife and find her beautiful.
I don’t actually have any understanding of what makes her unhappy with me. Not that I can’t repeat her words. We don’t have the same goals, she feels judged by me, I’m not consistent about getting things that just need to be done done. I cut off some, she says much, of our space together because we could not discuss it - this is code for the boys and money. But, these are all sins that I forget in her, so why is it that she cannot forgive them in me. At times, for short periods, she does seem to forgive me, but it is only when those things are not discussed and she has been met in conversation and the bed. This is of course just my projection on what she says, and I am only thinking out loud, but it is clear that the same issues from the past keep on coming out of her mouth every time she is unhappy with something I have said or done.
This morning I was feeling the pain of loss, it seems to me that I cannot continue to tolerate this disconnect and this treatment. Yesterday when I said goodbye to her when she was blow drying her hair, I got this dismissal - body, eyes, and voice. I come up against my belief that if I treated her in a way close to how she treats me that she would be completely ballistic - fuck ballistic, nuclear! What do I do about that? For years, I have just been putting up with it. The thing is I could continue to put up with it, but I have no desire to live this way. This way looks like anger and distance all week, with some coming together in bed on the weekend. Again, I want to acknowledge that she would point at me as being unavailable, and largely I am - or we are. Our schedules have become fucked. There are no nights of the week when we have time to spend together right now. I get up early and she gets up; late. Sometimes the only time is a few minutes in the morning or evening. She appears to resent everything I do but is not willing to ask for something different. In my view, she has not been available for years and years, and I have slowly drifted away - getting emotional needs meet in the rest of my life; That is, in SACS and men’s groups mostly; and my friendship with K - largely on hold because of these problems and hers.
Meanwhile, there is this opening, or openness in me, this “awakening.” Nothing has the charge that it used to, but I love life all the more. I see the Me watching, and sometimes rest in that. It comes to mind at the most unexpected times, business meeting, sex, coding.
That last Satsang I went to, a week ago, Adya challenged us in live the awareness. It hit me like a bolt of lightning between the eyes. Suddenly, I was right there. The brilliance of awakeness is incredible. It has come back again and again. I am thankful that the teacher popped into my life when I had given it up.
r.slime
It some ways and sometimes it is a subtle shift but then I can give it full power in a moment it seems very present. I must sound like a raving lunatic.
Meanwhile, my marriage seems to move closer to the brink. I feel intolerant of the bullshit, intolerant of the anger and the dismissal. Maybe the fear of loneliness is what keeps me in this. Actually, I am sure that is it a collection that keeps me in. The list: my daughter, my daughter, my daughter, money, stubbornness, loneliness, etc. Oh, and I love my wife and find her beautiful.
I don’t actually have any understanding of what makes her unhappy with me. Not that I can’t repeat her words. We don’t have the same goals, she feels judged by me, I’m not consistent about getting things that just need to be done done. I cut off some, she says much, of our space together because we could not discuss it - this is code for the boys and money. But, these are all sins that I forget in her, so why is it that she cannot forgive them in me. At times, for short periods, she does seem to forgive me, but it is only when those things are not discussed and she has been met in conversation and the bed. This is of course just my projection on what she says, and I am only thinking out loud, but it is clear that the same issues from the past keep on coming out of her mouth every time she is unhappy with something I have said or done.
This morning I was feeling the pain of loss, it seems to me that I cannot continue to tolerate this disconnect and this treatment. Yesterday when I said goodbye to her when she was blow drying her hair, I got this dismissal - body, eyes, and voice. I come up against my belief that if I treated her in a way close to how she treats me that she would be completely ballistic - fuck ballistic, nuclear! What do I do about that? For years, I have just been putting up with it. The thing is I could continue to put up with it, but I have no desire to live this way. This way looks like anger and distance all week, with some coming together in bed on the weekend. Again, I want to acknowledge that she would point at me as being unavailable, and largely I am - or we are. Our schedules have become fucked. There are no nights of the week when we have time to spend together right now. I get up early and she gets up; late. Sometimes the only time is a few minutes in the morning or evening. She appears to resent everything I do but is not willing to ask for something different. In my view, she has not been available for years and years, and I have slowly drifted away - getting emotional needs meet in the rest of my life; That is, in SACS and men’s groups mostly; and my friendship with K - largely on hold because of these problems and hers.
Meanwhile, there is this opening, or openness in me, this “awakening.” Nothing has the charge that it used to, but I love life all the more. I see the Me watching, and sometimes rest in that. It comes to mind at the most unexpected times, business meeting, sex, coding.
That last Satsang I went to, a week ago, Adya challenged us in live the awareness. It hit me like a bolt of lightning between the eyes. Suddenly, I was right there. The brilliance of awakeness is incredible. It has come back again and again. I am thankful that the teacher popped into my life when I had given it up.
r.slime