Doubt
My spouse and I have such different views of the world. In her blog she talks about an argument, we had yesterday. (I am interested in a study of perception here more than I am interested in right and wrong. That is not entirely true, a part of me wants to get her to see that she does not see me very well and that she has a part in these things that she does not acknowledge.) She claims I took a comment negatively, which I did and didn’t. She does not say which comment I took negatively. Was it the one where she asked me to take care of my dishes, or the one where when I came into the room after having taken care of the dishes, or the appeal to my past behavior being a problem?
Here is what I think happened. She asked me to take care of my morning dishes. I sighed or something. I was leaving the room to go to the kitchen in any case and did so, and while there I took care of my one dish on the counter. While at the sink I note that there are several wine glasses from previous nights and a mess in front of the espresso machine; I’m pretty sure I had the thought “boy she doesn’t get that how annoying it is that she leaves this shit like this, but I never complain to her, because it is not worth it.” The thought is worse than what I really think because I'm annoyed. I come back in the room figuring that there will be no more discussion on the subject, and what I really want to do is get back to the work I was doing. Instead, I am greeted with her need to justify herself and for her to tell me that it is not OK that I sighed. I am annoyed at this, but I don’t really want to go there. I ask her “do you really want to make something of this right now? Is this really a big deal for you?” Without missing a beat, she goes into that I left some dishes the day before and therefore she is justified … I think I cut her off, I try to ask if that really matters and I tell her that yesterday’s circumstances were different, and I ask again if this is really what she wants to do. She just launches back into it and starts to bring in all the rest of the past. After circling on this a few times, I decide on a different tack.
I ask her, “what if I came to you and said, I want to take care of your wine glasses that are there from two days, and that I don’t like it that you left milk spilled on the counter?” For me, I'm just trying to make the point her how it doesn't work, I'm thinking she will step back and see this. That doesn't happen. Amazingly to me, at this point because she goes into a complete tizzy. She accuses me of being mean. Now she wants to end to the conversation and shuts up. I’m angry at the conversation being closed down but I have no time or desire to pursue, so I start to pack my things to get out of the house. She is totally activated meanwhile and jumps to and cleans the glasses and the counter; i.e. she behaved as if these things really mattered or that I would somehow see her differently because of it or that I really cared one way or the other about the things I had brought up. Sure, reaching over the milk was annoying but it wasn’t a big deal. The kicker for me is that in her blog none of this is the issue. Instead, the issue was that she wanted to end the conversation and how long her anger took to subside - thirty minutes. which she viewed as short. Me, if I stay angry for thirty minutes it must have been the end of the world. From my perspective, she does not really appear to own her part of what happened; I wonder if that is why the anger stays so long; this makes sense to me, things stay with me when I have an issue about my role in something, or if I am afraid of some consequence.
Maybe more later on this.
r.slime
Here is what I think happened. She asked me to take care of my morning dishes. I sighed or something. I was leaving the room to go to the kitchen in any case and did so, and while there I took care of my one dish on the counter. While at the sink I note that there are several wine glasses from previous nights and a mess in front of the espresso machine; I’m pretty sure I had the thought “boy she doesn’t get that how annoying it is that she leaves this shit like this, but I never complain to her, because it is not worth it.” The thought is worse than what I really think because I'm annoyed. I come back in the room figuring that there will be no more discussion on the subject, and what I really want to do is get back to the work I was doing. Instead, I am greeted with her need to justify herself and for her to tell me that it is not OK that I sighed. I am annoyed at this, but I don’t really want to go there. I ask her “do you really want to make something of this right now? Is this really a big deal for you?” Without missing a beat, she goes into that I left some dishes the day before and therefore she is justified … I think I cut her off, I try to ask if that really matters and I tell her that yesterday’s circumstances were different, and I ask again if this is really what she wants to do. She just launches back into it and starts to bring in all the rest of the past. After circling on this a few times, I decide on a different tack.
I ask her, “what if I came to you and said, I want to take care of your wine glasses that are there from two days, and that I don’t like it that you left milk spilled on the counter?” For me, I'm just trying to make the point her how it doesn't work, I'm thinking she will step back and see this. That doesn't happen. Amazingly to me, at this point because she goes into a complete tizzy. She accuses me of being mean. Now she wants to end to the conversation and shuts up. I’m angry at the conversation being closed down but I have no time or desire to pursue, so I start to pack my things to get out of the house. She is totally activated meanwhile and jumps to and cleans the glasses and the counter; i.e. she behaved as if these things really mattered or that I would somehow see her differently because of it or that I really cared one way or the other about the things I had brought up. Sure, reaching over the milk was annoying but it wasn’t a big deal. The kicker for me is that in her blog none of this is the issue. Instead, the issue was that she wanted to end the conversation and how long her anger took to subside - thirty minutes. which she viewed as short. Me, if I stay angry for thirty minutes it must have been the end of the world. From my perspective, she does not really appear to own her part of what happened; I wonder if that is why the anger stays so long; this makes sense to me, things stay with me when I have an issue about my role in something, or if I am afraid of some consequence.
Maybe more later on this.
r.slime