(no subject)
I can’t sleep, I just had another discussion with Danielle and sure enough things are back where they were, or even worse than they were before.
This week wasn’t so bad, we went out with some coworkers on Wednesday night for Trivia and wow, things seemed amazing like back when we first started dating. There were lots of laughs and I know we both were ecstatic to have familiar company and enjoyed each other’s time. Of course that was short lived, things went South as soon as we got home, she was tired and I was, well not so tired and we ended up having a mini argument. She said that I don’t touch her or look at her the same way as I used to. So much for our fun night.
So today we didn't do a whole lot, she was hung over from a night out with the girls last night; basically stayed in bed all day which was fine. I made her breakfast and we watched a little Dexter in bed. Fast forward, we are in bed ready for sleep and she asks me "Are you happy with me?". Well, yes and no, I am happy with her but I am certainly not happy with the way things are going in this relationship. This goes on as we continue to dig deeper to get to the core of our issues and we may have stumbled on something when she asks what I really want in life. I tell her that irregardless of whether or not I am in a relationship, that I want to move to move some place sunny with access to the outdoors, some place like Colorado. But also that I want to get a job with a larger company which actually has some structure (unlike the company where I work now), but also that I don't want to move anywhere with her unless things are better in our relationship, I don't feel as confident that this relationship is going to last as I did a few months ago.
The other month I was sure that things were getting better and that I would do what it took to support her with her dreams. She said that I wasn't like this a few months ago, and I told her that I've changed. She than said that she still resents me for not being as supportive back then and she has a hard time believing me that I've changed. Well god dammit, she doesn't believe me when I tell her I think she is pretty, she doesn't believe me when I tell her I've changed, she doesn't believe me when I tell her anything! Maybe part of the problem is that she doesn't see the sincerity in my face when I tell her those things, she is only used to seeing the joking side of me. I cannot help that it's her opinion that I do a shitty job at expressing emotions.
But it makes sense, I've always felt like she resents me for having a past life, it's like my house will always be the house that I lived in with my ex-girlfriend. Also that I have a dog which I had with my ex-girlfriend. She has even told me that she feels that I did things for my ex that I wouldn't do for her, which I've told her is entirely false. I feel as if Danielle has these misconceptions which she comes up with and stews on them for a while and then holds them against me until they start affecting the relationship. She continues to bring up things from my past and makes me feel bad, like which side of the bed my ex slept on. She continues to suggest that I am expecting her to fill a certain role in my life which I already have predetermined (aka the typical housewife). I tell her that's simply not true but again, she feels that I may have expressed or suggested that at some time in the past and has reserved confrontation until now. It's not fair.
I told her tonight that she needs to let go of these preconceived notions and focus on our future moving forward from how we feel today, not 5 months ago. Her response is that she doesn't know how. I'm so FUCKING tired of that response "I don't know how to _________". If you don't know how to do something, figure it out! Her problems will not fix themselves. We've both changed, she doesn't believe that I'm changing a lot in order to make her happy, what she doesn't realize is that I wasn't exactly happy in the past with my current life and I need a change. She doesn't listen to me and she doesn't trust/believe me. I've been doing everything I can to try and make this relationship work and to try and make her happy. She is also trying to make herself happy by spending more of her time away from the relationship and being with family and friends.
Again I feel like most of my efforts are being focused toward the relationship and hers are being focused away from it. Now we're both trying to achieve the same goal which is her happiness. She's escaping the relationship, I'm trying to fix it. I don't know how long this is going to go, I feel that at any moment she is going to leave me, I've already come to terms with it. It saddens me deeply but I can't and won't force her to stay with me. I'm still hanging on to everything she's told me in the past, "you're perfect for me", "I don't want to be with anybody else but you", "I want to spend the rest of my life with you", "I will never leave you, we will always work through everything". At what point do I let go? I guess it's when she calls it quits. If she leaves me, I know there will be a little piece of me that will die. I'm in love, she means everything to me, I just want her to be happy.