Time for some self therapy...
I can't even believe that it has been over six whole years since I have been on this website, a lot has happened since then. I was still an undergraduate working towards my BS in Mechanical Engineering. I think the reason why I quit writing in this journal was because I was actually happy with how life was going and that I was getting closer to graduating college, not to mention I was more than likely in a committed relationship in which I probably felt could last the rest of my life... boy was I ever wrong...
I guess I'm back here because life is pretty shitty right now and I can't honestly say that it's ever been worse for me. I've never felt this depressed before and with so much going on I need a release. Odd how writing my feelings in a journal could help achieve that but after much deliberation I've determined that it's the only way I can collectively keep track of my thoughts and maybe analyze my issues without fear of being judged by anyone who might actually care.
It's not easy for me to go talk to just anyone about my feelings, especially when things in my life are not going well (more specifically with my love life), which is odd that I'd be willing to share it on a public forum (if you will) and not make my postings private. Is it a cry for help? Maybe. I don't need the sympathy as it won't do me any good however if by chance someone does read this and could provide any sort of insight to my situation that may sure be helpful. It's funny a guy can tend to be more open to a complete stranger than to one of your best friends.
Well without further ado let me just dive right into it...
I've met the love of my life, her name is Danielle. She is the most wonderful soul I've ever met, a true sweetheart down to the core. This girl means everything to me, words cannot describe my feelings for her. Not only is she smart but she's extremely good looking. You've heard all those cliches about people saying that they've found their "soul mate" or their "one true love", yea, I used to think that was a bunch of horse shit too, that is until I fell in love with her. This is the most I've ever felt about anyone in my entire life and I want to spend every waking moment of my life with this girl. Being with Danielle has made me a better person; I'm move adventurous, motivated to explore the world, wanting to try new things, willing to give up unnecessary physical possessions which I used to believe made me happy... the list goes on and on and on. *sigh* but unfortunately there's trouble in paradise.
I'll quit wasting time because I don't want this to be an extremely long post but I need to get caught up so here are the highlights
We've been together for just over 1 year, celebrated that milestone on June 12th. We're engaged, been so since January 1st. We met at my current job and worked together for about 10 months before we started dating. We liked each other from the first moment we saw each other but were too shy to make a move. Two months after we started dating she took a 9 month long position in Walla Walla about 300 miles away. The relationship was near perfect, we both knew early on that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, heck we even talked and considered eloping after the first month. When she came back from her job, she moved in and is currently living with me.
Fast forward 13 months into the relationship. We were watching Dexter on the couch and somehow the question came up of how come she doesn't wear sexy lingerie for me anymore in which her response was "Why should I? It doesn't matter because it all comes off anyways" I explained that I enjoyed it, and her response was along the lines of me enjoying anything. This kinda of frustrated me, not the fact that she didn't want to wear lingerie but more the attitude and demeanor that she basically seemed to have. What I realized is that this is not an isolated occurrence, it honestly felt that this was her whole attitude towards the entire relationship. She didn't want to seem to try and make me happy or even put any effort into the relationship. Forgot to mention, we've been having relationship problems for quite some time, it started to get serious around March.
I couldn't figure out what it was but basically it seemed like she was less motivated in the relationship and she didn't put a whole lot of effort into it. We began communicating less frequently and she stopped sending me letters/post cards, which we exchanged one about every week or two. I briefly asked if anything was wrong and she always seemed to say nothing was the matter or that she was just really busy.
Maybe I'll add more details later, this is getting to be a very long post. Let me get back to tonight's conversation and highlight a few of the things we spoke about.
The most hurtful thing is that she's told me that she is uncertain about her future with me, and that I don't seem to motivate her to do anything. She's unhappy with living in "my" house because she feels like it will never be her and just a place that I bought when I was with my ex-girlfriend. She hates the location, we don't get out and do much, she constantly feels bored all the time and she just doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. It's like she has no drive and this is all my fault. I know that I want to be with her, I recognize that she is unhappy and bored so I try to encourage and do things to motivate her. I always ask her what she would like to do, but the only, and I mean only answer I get is "I don't know, what would you like to do?". Even if I were to bring up two different ideas and asked which she would prefer, I get the same answer. She will not divulge an opinion or preference. It certainly makes things challenging because I'm not sure if she hates either of the ideas I've brought up, which has happened in the past. So I'm left with making the decision and if I choose wrong, she'll let me know after the fact "I don't really like _______, but that's ok" so then I feel bad for making a shitty decision.
Oh I just don't know, I'm pretty miserable but it sure feels good to let this all out and write it down. I plan to write more sporadically and in more manageable sections. I've just had so much in my head ever since I woke up this morning this has turned out to be a very long entry. Time for dinner.
I guess I'm back here because life is pretty shitty right now and I can't honestly say that it's ever been worse for me. I've never felt this depressed before and with so much going on I need a release. Odd how writing my feelings in a journal could help achieve that but after much deliberation I've determined that it's the only way I can collectively keep track of my thoughts and maybe analyze my issues without fear of being judged by anyone who might actually care.
It's not easy for me to go talk to just anyone about my feelings, especially when things in my life are not going well (more specifically with my love life), which is odd that I'd be willing to share it on a public forum (if you will) and not make my postings private. Is it a cry for help? Maybe. I don't need the sympathy as it won't do me any good however if by chance someone does read this and could provide any sort of insight to my situation that may sure be helpful. It's funny a guy can tend to be more open to a complete stranger than to one of your best friends.
Well without further ado let me just dive right into it...
I've met the love of my life, her name is Danielle. She is the most wonderful soul I've ever met, a true sweetheart down to the core. This girl means everything to me, words cannot describe my feelings for her. Not only is she smart but she's extremely good looking. You've heard all those cliches about people saying that they've found their "soul mate" or their "one true love", yea, I used to think that was a bunch of horse shit too, that is until I fell in love with her. This is the most I've ever felt about anyone in my entire life and I want to spend every waking moment of my life with this girl. Being with Danielle has made me a better person; I'm move adventurous, motivated to explore the world, wanting to try new things, willing to give up unnecessary physical possessions which I used to believe made me happy... the list goes on and on and on. *sigh* but unfortunately there's trouble in paradise.
I'll quit wasting time because I don't want this to be an extremely long post but I need to get caught up so here are the highlights
We've been together for just over 1 year, celebrated that milestone on June 12th. We're engaged, been so since January 1st. We met at my current job and worked together for about 10 months before we started dating. We liked each other from the first moment we saw each other but were too shy to make a move. Two months after we started dating she took a 9 month long position in Walla Walla about 300 miles away. The relationship was near perfect, we both knew early on that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, heck we even talked and considered eloping after the first month. When she came back from her job, she moved in and is currently living with me.
Fast forward 13 months into the relationship. We were watching Dexter on the couch and somehow the question came up of how come she doesn't wear sexy lingerie for me anymore in which her response was "Why should I? It doesn't matter because it all comes off anyways" I explained that I enjoyed it, and her response was along the lines of me enjoying anything. This kinda of frustrated me, not the fact that she didn't want to wear lingerie but more the attitude and demeanor that she basically seemed to have. What I realized is that this is not an isolated occurrence, it honestly felt that this was her whole attitude towards the entire relationship. She didn't want to seem to try and make me happy or even put any effort into the relationship. Forgot to mention, we've been having relationship problems for quite some time, it started to get serious around March.
I couldn't figure out what it was but basically it seemed like she was less motivated in the relationship and she didn't put a whole lot of effort into it. We began communicating less frequently and she stopped sending me letters/post cards, which we exchanged one about every week or two. I briefly asked if anything was wrong and she always seemed to say nothing was the matter or that she was just really busy.
Maybe I'll add more details later, this is getting to be a very long post. Let me get back to tonight's conversation and highlight a few of the things we spoke about.
The most hurtful thing is that she's told me that she is uncertain about her future with me, and that I don't seem to motivate her to do anything. She's unhappy with living in "my" house because she feels like it will never be her and just a place that I bought when I was with my ex-girlfriend. She hates the location, we don't get out and do much, she constantly feels bored all the time and she just doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. It's like she has no drive and this is all my fault. I know that I want to be with her, I recognize that she is unhappy and bored so I try to encourage and do things to motivate her. I always ask her what she would like to do, but the only, and I mean only answer I get is "I don't know, what would you like to do?". Even if I were to bring up two different ideas and asked which she would prefer, I get the same answer. She will not divulge an opinion or preference. It certainly makes things challenging because I'm not sure if she hates either of the ideas I've brought up, which has happened in the past. So I'm left with making the decision and if I choose wrong, she'll let me know after the fact "I don't really like _______, but that's ok" so then I feel bad for making a shitty decision.
Oh I just don't know, I'm pretty miserable but it sure feels good to let this all out and write it down. I plan to write more sporadically and in more manageable sections. I've just had so much in my head ever since I woke up this morning this has turned out to be a very long entry. Time for dinner.