My Brain is Playing Paintball and Losing: Random Ranting
My brain is playing paint ball and Losing: Random Ranting
Frustrations. . . I am laughing, because I am frustrated at the fact that my head is filled with frustrations that I just can’t organization and release. . . I apologize a head of time if this blog is really screwed up.
My brain is right now cooked Jell-o as I sit here . . . this has been one crazy weekend.
I just have so much going on . . .
First of all two major things going on this week. . . XPWE and editing.
First of all, XPWE Extreme Pro Wrestling Entertainment . . . it’s a nonprofit wrestling organization that I help out with. I am secretary, accounting, and a part of tech crew. (They make it look cool, but if I could just get the damn videos up I would be happy.)
Okay. . . I am really annoyed with Windows USB camcorder drivers. (I almost fucked my computer with Windows updates. . . I had to restore back a day.)
I am trying to get videos on the youtube for group. I just want my damn computer to read the camcorder, but claims there are no drivers. . . grrrrrrrrrr.
I got the web cam to work, but the computer will not read the camera. I have been working on this for about 5 hours. This is so frustrating. (I just really wish I could just plug in my video camera and have it work.)
I am only on part 2 of 4 parts of my book. I have 223 pages to work on this next week. . . I love to create, and tell stories, but I hate to edit.
As soon as I get up today, my goals are: grocery shopping, clean the kitchen, and edit. Then make dinner, dishes and edit. (I will hopefully get to chat in between.)
___________________________________________________________________
I have a lot on my mind. . .
I jumped on a trampoline for the first time in about ten years. I just have a bad habit of hurting myself getting off of those things. . . I used to be such a tumbler, I used to flip backwards on the bars and land on my feet, now I can’t even do a cart wheel evenly. (As much as the guys like them, breasts really do get in the way, especially when you are tumbling.)
I need to watch out for the sun (my face is burnt), and never wear loose jeans. . . I am glad everyone was a sleep when they slid down part way. . . (It is hard to balance, jump, and pull your pants up at the same time on a trampoline. Okay maybe I an unique talent; who knows?)
The guys just made the damn thing look like so much fun. . . However I am still intimidated to jump around with them just yet. (Most people don’t know it, but I do have a timid side.)
_______________________________________________________________________
I have been having issues on self esteem and weigh and I keep having to push my damn ab-lounge back. . . by the time I get the money, I know that they will be sold out. Most of the stores don’t them anymore. . . http://www.amazon.com/Ab-Lounge-14200-2-Sport/dp/B000A4XRAG/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2F3KNFMHXTGX0&colid=3S4OK3VDPPBIS ( I have to get them amazon.com.)
A dear friend of mine, James, has been encouraging and he just makes me feel better about myself. He makes me laugh, and just says the right thing at the right time. I have only known him for a few weeks, but I just have instant connection with him. . . I have adopted him as my brother. Actually he comes as a package deal (I get three extra for the price of one.) I just want him to happy (I do think that Tom is slightly jealous, but James listens to me, encourages, doesn’t pick on me that much, and most of all makes me laugh. I appreciate that.) He is a decent guy and I hope he finds a kind, decent, cute girl who is NOT psycho.
I really do enjoy helping XPWE, and spoiling the guys with my cooking. I made cookies last Friday and everyone loved the cookies; I'm glad. (They are a great group of guys!)
They are always going shopping with me from now on. I had so much fun.
This weekend was just crazy . . . taping XPWE, having fun in Wal-mart and K-mart, and then having fun with some pizza and then cutting loose.
I also confessed. . . I love being hugged. (Just not when I am all sweaty, yuck!)
_______________________________________________________________________
I am frustrated as I have mentioned in a few other entries. . . I am bisexual. I am correcting this. . . I am bi-curious. I haven’t done anything with another woman yet.
I am curious . . . do guys and girls kiss different? Are girls really gentler? I have had fantasies of kissing and going down on women, but I think of the concept and still wonder why?
I have been chatting with a few women and I just can’t read them. Is it that once you turn bisexual you instantly screen over you so can’t be read? I am not going to give someone an intimate piece of myself if I cannot read them . . . if I cannot see what they think of me. (I just don’t know what to do. . . I know me and another girl is one of Tom’s fantasies, but I have so many doubts. To be continued.)
I keep thinking about how I just can’t read her. . . I have had nightmares of having Tom leave me for another woman. Then having the same woman making everyone turn against me. . . I truly am timid with this situation.
__________________________________________________________________________
I am truly overwhelmed . . . For several years I knew Tom has always wanted a house of his own. Yesterday we went to not just see one house, but three. . .
I am just completely overwhelmed. . . Tom thinks how to decorate each room, but I think how much all of the bills are going to cost . . . and how we will never have any money. How much do I want extra house work? Who is going to mow lawn? Who is going to plow the driveway?
The thing is Tom and I fought for the first time this year, because he just gave me a shit load of information and I didn’t process the information that he wanted me to.
The third house we went to is a nice little house and I can even touch the basement ceiling, and the front porch is finished with carpet . . . the house is nice, but can I see myself living there in five years? In ten years? In thirty years? I like taking one day at a time and now all of sudden I am thinking about decisions that could possibly affect my whole life. WTF?
(To Be Continued)
______________________________________________________________________________
It is only 8:40 and I just starting to get tired.
I am going to get some sleep and then I get to edit and chat.
Frustrations. . . I am laughing, because I am frustrated at the fact that my head is filled with frustrations that I just can’t organization and release. . . I apologize a head of time if this blog is really screwed up.
My brain is right now cooked Jell-o as I sit here . . . this has been one crazy weekend.
I just have so much going on . . .
First of all two major things going on this week. . . XPWE and editing.
First of all, XPWE Extreme Pro Wrestling Entertainment . . . it’s a nonprofit wrestling organization that I help out with. I am secretary, accounting, and a part of tech crew. (They make it look cool, but if I could just get the damn videos up I would be happy.)
Okay. . . I am really annoyed with Windows USB camcorder drivers. (I almost fucked my computer with Windows updates. . . I had to restore back a day.)
I am trying to get videos on the youtube for group. I just want my damn computer to read the camcorder, but claims there are no drivers. . . grrrrrrrrrr.
I got the web cam to work, but the computer will not read the camera. I have been working on this for about 5 hours. This is so frustrating. (I just really wish I could just plug in my video camera and have it work.)
I am only on part 2 of 4 parts of my book. I have 223 pages to work on this next week. . . I love to create, and tell stories, but I hate to edit.
As soon as I get up today, my goals are: grocery shopping, clean the kitchen, and edit. Then make dinner, dishes and edit. (I will hopefully get to chat in between.)
___________________________________________________________________
I have a lot on my mind. . .
I jumped on a trampoline for the first time in about ten years. I just have a bad habit of hurting myself getting off of those things. . . I used to be such a tumbler, I used to flip backwards on the bars and land on my feet, now I can’t even do a cart wheel evenly. (As much as the guys like them, breasts really do get in the way, especially when you are tumbling.)
I need to watch out for the sun (my face is burnt), and never wear loose jeans. . . I am glad everyone was a sleep when they slid down part way. . . (It is hard to balance, jump, and pull your pants up at the same time on a trampoline. Okay maybe I an unique talent; who knows?)
The guys just made the damn thing look like so much fun. . . However I am still intimidated to jump around with them just yet. (Most people don’t know it, but I do have a timid side.)
_______________________________________________________________________
I have been having issues on self esteem and weigh and I keep having to push my damn ab-lounge back. . . by the time I get the money, I know that they will be sold out. Most of the stores don’t them anymore. . . http://www.amazon.com/Ab-Lounge-14200-2-Sport/dp/B000A4XRAG/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2F3KNFMHXTGX0&colid=3S4OK3VDPPBIS ( I have to get them amazon.com.)
A dear friend of mine, James, has been encouraging and he just makes me feel better about myself. He makes me laugh, and just says the right thing at the right time. I have only known him for a few weeks, but I just have instant connection with him. . . I have adopted him as my brother. Actually he comes as a package deal (I get three extra for the price of one.) I just want him to happy (I do think that Tom is slightly jealous, but James listens to me, encourages, doesn’t pick on me that much, and most of all makes me laugh. I appreciate that.) He is a decent guy and I hope he finds a kind, decent, cute girl who is NOT psycho.
I really do enjoy helping XPWE, and spoiling the guys with my cooking. I made cookies last Friday and everyone loved the cookies; I'm glad. (They are a great group of guys!)
They are always going shopping with me from now on. I had so much fun.
This weekend was just crazy . . . taping XPWE, having fun in Wal-mart and K-mart, and then having fun with some pizza and then cutting loose.
I also confessed. . . I love being hugged. (Just not when I am all sweaty, yuck!)
_______________________________________________________________________
I am frustrated as I have mentioned in a few other entries. . . I am bisexual. I am correcting this. . . I am bi-curious. I haven’t done anything with another woman yet.
I am curious . . . do guys and girls kiss different? Are girls really gentler? I have had fantasies of kissing and going down on women, but I think of the concept and still wonder why?
I have been chatting with a few women and I just can’t read them. Is it that once you turn bisexual you instantly screen over you so can’t be read? I am not going to give someone an intimate piece of myself if I cannot read them . . . if I cannot see what they think of me. (I just don’t know what to do. . . I know me and another girl is one of Tom’s fantasies, but I have so many doubts. To be continued.)
I keep thinking about how I just can’t read her. . . I have had nightmares of having Tom leave me for another woman. Then having the same woman making everyone turn against me. . . I truly am timid with this situation.
__________________________________________________________________________
I am truly overwhelmed . . . For several years I knew Tom has always wanted a house of his own. Yesterday we went to not just see one house, but three. . .
I am just completely overwhelmed. . . Tom thinks how to decorate each room, but I think how much all of the bills are going to cost . . . and how we will never have any money. How much do I want extra house work? Who is going to mow lawn? Who is going to plow the driveway?
The thing is Tom and I fought for the first time this year, because he just gave me a shit load of information and I didn’t process the information that he wanted me to.
The third house we went to is a nice little house and I can even touch the basement ceiling, and the front porch is finished with carpet . . . the house is nice, but can I see myself living there in five years? In ten years? In thirty years? I like taking one day at a time and now all of sudden I am thinking about decisions that could possibly affect my whole life. WTF?
(To Be Continued)
______________________________________________________________________________
It is only 8:40 and I just starting to get tired.
I am going to get some sleep and then I get to edit and chat.