AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
the below is a ranting...nothing is exaggerated...but you must understand, i love my family very much, and there is nothing more i would love to do than spend time with them...but we all have our rough times....right?
I talked to Steph the other day, and she told me what I missed while gone...it kinda really sucks. I know it's all good, but I dunno, just makes me think in my head. (Imagine that). I can no longer deal with my sister and my mom. no matter what i say, its always bad. i mention something about how the pants i am wearing were given to me by steph, and my mom proceeds to lecture me about how i should stop getting new clothes when she never sees me in anything but jeans and t-shirts anyways. i learned that my brown hair is grotesque to those around me, and that i had absolutely no reason to do it. even after i explain myself for an hour about why i did do it. when my sister was a freshman in college, she gained what i would call the "freshman 20" not the 15...the 20. and since i am much more lazy than she is, i HAVE to have gained the freshman 15 as well. if anything at all (as my weight seems to fluctuate) i have gained 5 pounds....OH NO! 5 FUCKING POUNDS....whatever will i do!??! yet my sister still says....well it has to go somewhere right? dunno, i just feel like breaking into tears everytime i am with them. no matter what i do, no matter how good it is, its never good enough. theyre both more artistic than i am...therefore my ideas arent good enough. and i was so careless as to schedule work on friday and saturday when my cousins, fiance's wedding shower is on saturday in la...but not only do i have to work in order to sustain my job for summer, but i also was never informed of this event. and whenever i hit my brothers for something they deserve it for...i get the lecture about violence. they all must think that i go around smacking anybody i can. and yes, i will say i do at times....but never to the point that it hurts them, and if i do hurt them, they deserve it. besides! they are my BROTHERS! if i am not allowed to hit them, then why are they allowed to hit eachother? i could care less if im a girl...why do i always have to be ladylike, and when im not my mother goes on about how i wish i was a boy, and she "sure hopes ill grow out of this phase soon"...and yeah i do enjoy sports, and video games...but its not like im the only girl who does! it just hurts that my mom would actually say this. i have feelings to, and no matter what i say to her, the point never gets across...and when i finally mention that on saturday night i am going swing dancing with all my friends from high school...i get this simple response...."well, there goes our night at the lake"... but you know what, I DONT CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING LAKE RIGHT NOW! i have spent a full week with my entire family, and all i am asking for is one flipping night with the friends i havent seen since christmas! is that really so much to ask?!?! i dont care if none of my siblings managed to cut loose every friendship before the age of 19!!!!! i love my friends, the new and the old, and i dont ever want to lose any of them!!!!! i am guilt tripped into anything and everything i do in this family, and i am sick of it. i dont have the voice to change it...i hate confrontation. but i cant go on like this anymore. i dont know what to do, and i know it isnt healthy to feel like crying every time i talk to my family members. but at this point in my life, i dont think its ever going to change.
I talked to Steph the other day, and she told me what I missed while gone...it kinda really sucks. I know it's all good, but I dunno, just makes me think in my head. (Imagine that). I can no longer deal with my sister and my mom. no matter what i say, its always bad. i mention something about how the pants i am wearing were given to me by steph, and my mom proceeds to lecture me about how i should stop getting new clothes when she never sees me in anything but jeans and t-shirts anyways. i learned that my brown hair is grotesque to those around me, and that i had absolutely no reason to do it. even after i explain myself for an hour about why i did do it. when my sister was a freshman in college, she gained what i would call the "freshman 20" not the 15...the 20. and since i am much more lazy than she is, i HAVE to have gained the freshman 15 as well. if anything at all (as my weight seems to fluctuate) i have gained 5 pounds....OH NO! 5 FUCKING POUNDS....whatever will i do!??! yet my sister still says....well it has to go somewhere right? dunno, i just feel like breaking into tears everytime i am with them. no matter what i do, no matter how good it is, its never good enough. theyre both more artistic than i am...therefore my ideas arent good enough. and i was so careless as to schedule work on friday and saturday when my cousins, fiance's wedding shower is on saturday in la...but not only do i have to work in order to sustain my job for summer, but i also was never informed of this event. and whenever i hit my brothers for something they deserve it for...i get the lecture about violence. they all must think that i go around smacking anybody i can. and yes, i will say i do at times....but never to the point that it hurts them, and if i do hurt them, they deserve it. besides! they are my BROTHERS! if i am not allowed to hit them, then why are they allowed to hit eachother? i could care less if im a girl...why do i always have to be ladylike, and when im not my mother goes on about how i wish i was a boy, and she "sure hopes ill grow out of this phase soon"...and yeah i do enjoy sports, and video games...but its not like im the only girl who does! it just hurts that my mom would actually say this. i have feelings to, and no matter what i say to her, the point never gets across...and when i finally mention that on saturday night i am going swing dancing with all my friends from high school...i get this simple response...."well, there goes our night at the lake"... but you know what, I DONT CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING LAKE RIGHT NOW! i have spent a full week with my entire family, and all i am asking for is one flipping night with the friends i havent seen since christmas! is that really so much to ask?!?! i dont care if none of my siblings managed to cut loose every friendship before the age of 19!!!!! i love my friends, the new and the old, and i dont ever want to lose any of them!!!!! i am guilt tripped into anything and everything i do in this family, and i am sick of it. i dont have the voice to change it...i hate confrontation. but i cant go on like this anymore. i dont know what to do, and i know it isnt healthy to feel like crying every time i talk to my family members. but at this point in my life, i dont think its ever going to change.