(no subject)
I'm not really sure what is wrong with me. But right now, I just feel I have nowhere to go. I can't go out on my own, because I might get raped or something, and I can't play the piano because all the rooms are always taken. Tonight we were all outside stargazing. I can't complain about that one...I mean, I live for being outside. But once "everyone" came out, it just wasn't nearly as peaceful. My thoughts were yet again in a jumble. I went off by myself, and later Zach, Madood, and me went up to the "P" and just layed out there. The sky was amazing, and we just talked about nothingness. People need that every once in a while. I mean, it's healthy to have people you can talk to about life, boys and all that. But every once in a while it's nice to talk to people about things of no importance. Sometimes I just need a break from making sense. And I just realized that that is what I miss so much in life. There are people here to goof off with, but there is nobody to talk to. Not about anything in particular, but to just ramble with. I miss three hour conversations about how one hundred years ago we would have already been married with children. And about everything we can possibly think of. I miss those strong bonds that no matter what you say, there is no way that you will feel stupid. I have those here, but I am so anal about whether or not people like me that I can't feel completely comfortable around everyone. And yes, I know that if they have stayed with me thus far, it's probably not out of pity. But there will always be this little voice in the back of my head telling me that I have no friends, and that no matter how I change I will never get anybody to truly like me.
I hate how I am so self-conscious about everthing in life. Most people say who cares...but all I can think is "I do". I try my best to make it seem like I don't, but no matter how well I hide it from the rest of the world, I can't ever hide it from myself. God, I hate it when I think like this, but what can I do? Seriously? Not a thing. Nothing but sit and wait for my own brain to function correctly...which won't be happening any time soon. So until then...
I hate how I am so self-conscious about everthing in life. Most people say who cares...but all I can think is "I do". I try my best to make it seem like I don't, but no matter how well I hide it from the rest of the world, I can't ever hide it from myself. God, I hate it when I think like this, but what can I do? Seriously? Not a thing. Nothing but sit and wait for my own brain to function correctly...which won't be happening any time soon. So until then...