It's Almost Over...?
It's been another few months since I've posted. I've had ups and downs since then. It's now November; 2 months before the New Year. It's also 2 months before... I finally finish residency...? I leave that at a question mark because I just don't feel it yet. Since 2016, when I was at my 2nd year of residency in my previous hospital, I started to feel unsure of myself. I was called multiple times by the training officer that time and given warnings that I would repeat 2nd year, and I did. And since then, I had become unsure of myself every year. Every December I wasn't sure if I'd be promoted, removed, or retained. When I transferred to the hospital I'm in now, I was promised that I wouldn't repeat 1st year, but come the next year, that promise was broken. Every year I would see on Facebook my own batchmates and juniors gradually go on ahead of me, graduate and become consultants. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my juniors when they reach their goals. But at the same time I become ashamed and saddened at myself that I couldn't do the same. Many times I felt that I wasn't really good enough, that I'm just wasting my time chasing something that is probably unreachable for me. But I was stubborn and dumb enough to continue on, because when I imagined myself not being a surgeon, I didn't feel that I was happy about it. I want to become a surgeon, specifically a hepatobiliary surgeon. Fast forward to now, I'm on my 5th year and 2 months away from finishing. I've passed both CERES and RITE for this year.
Am I really finishing? A, I really going to graduate? Is this real?
Perhaps it will take time for it to really sink in. Maybe my body just hasn't realized it. But if this is real, it would be such a huge relief to finally be done. I can finally have a life. I can finally spend more time doing things I want to do at my own pace. I can spend time with my friends, go to special occasions, be with my family; and especially talk more and spend more time with my dad. My dad is getting old, and each year during residency I worry about him. I want my dad to see me become a full-fledged surgeon. I want him to see me inducted in the PCS. I pray to God to please, please let him see that milestone of mine. I am almost there and I will do my best to get there.
Surgery residency has been a really wild ride for me. It's probably wild as well for others, but I'm pretty sure my experience has been much wilder. So much as happened; so many failures, so many times I had to toughen up, so many times I had to stand up and get back to walking my path. I wasn't alone in this crazy road though. Two other co-residents of mine have had a similar experience with multiple failures and repeating year levels. In a way, it relieves me knowing that there are other people like me, and I am not alone in this kind of road. I want to be able to help other people who might be stumbling onto this kind of treacherous road. I have juniors who are having trouble and I try my best to be a good leader and to guide them. I realized also that I tried to emulate one of my previous seniors in my first hospital. He was one of those who believed in me despite my repeated failures. He was always saying "Kaya mo 'yan!", "Prove them wrong!", "I know you can make it!", "Don't give up! Keep chasing your dreams!", "Don't ever doubt yourself!"... His words really helped me continue on. I think if I didn't have his words to go back to, that chance of me giving up would have been bigger. I want to be that kind of inspiration, too, to my juniors.
I hope from here on out, things won't be as rough as the past decade for me. I want things to be smooth. I've gone through so much already.