Ode to Self-Pity.
How the hell do I keep ending up here? What is it about me, please someone tell me to end my misery, that makes me so inconsesquential? Blown off once again, without a bat of an eyelash. I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM! Its just not right. You make plans with someone, you fucking keep them, or you call and let the person know with a LAGITAMATE reason! I hate people who conviently misinterpet conversations, to fit their lame flakiness. "Oh I thought you said you were supposed to decorate the tree with your dad!" What world is she in??? SEE this is why people need to communicate more! You know everyone says Im allways talking too much rmaking things worse with talking, but its like fuck, no one hears me anyway. Why wouldnt you say 'oh so you cant hang out?' cause generally when I say that I told him I couldnt decorate the tree because I HAD PLANS and THEN asked when you were coming home from work...That generally doesnt mean I couldnt hang out! Oh shes tired?!?! WELL IM FUCKING TIRED EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE AND IN PAIN EVERY SECOND!!!!!!!! Im so lonely I could just fade away, so much pain, so many horrible, horrbile thoughts. Its really not a good combination. I even annoy myself. And I cant eat anything, Im so nausious, I throw up and I feel sick all the time and then I throw up some more. Ive lost..what is it 10lbs this week...yea and my throat and chest hurts from the hacking, Im weak and tired from lack of food... Today was the last day for my pretrial deversion and Nikki and I were going to have a celebratory smoke. And you know, its shitty because I wouldnt even care if I wasnt in SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN!!!!!!!!!! I need to end this misery. I try and try and try, and as soon as Im greeted with a glimmer of happiness it comes crushing down again. And now Ive failed a gen fucking ed that is so easy i could scream because I was SIIIIIIIICK and now I have to go through it all over again. The mere thought of that is so exhasting, it hurts to think about. Even my rants piss me off, I piss me off. If I were whoever is reading this I wouldnt like me either. Ehh...even that is grossly pathic. Ok, im shutting up and going to bang my head against a wall.