Extended solitude rears it's ugly head
Im going to end up the crazy cat lady. Long, grey hair...perhaps in a braid, wearing moth-eaten paisley dresses as I water my herb garden. Dozens of cats everywhere and all their empty food cans, rogue fur, piss and shit scattered on my old, dirty, useless belongings. No significant other, or friends for that matter, at this point my parents are long gone so I have no one else.
People forget our plans, or make better ones, dont return my calls, or call me, dont IM me, miss me, or give a flying fuck about me.
I wish I could not care. I wish I could just give up and be alone all the time. Because lately people have been proving either disappointing or down right selfish and self-absorbed. If I could be utterly alone, I really would, but Im so, sooo fucking lonely. Not like, oh whoa is me I want someone to loooove me and take care of me and keep me warm at night, blah blah. No, Im talking about having someone, ANYONE to talk to, DO THINGS with, or even sit on my fucking couch and watch tv with once in a while. FRIENDS!
I know things are low right now, and Im starting school soon and they will get better. But even when I am around people I dont know if I have the energy to try. Even a little. Why should I bother? Im so forgettable and easily looked-over, plus I always end up giving waaaay more than I get in return. Looking back in my past relationships, for my ENTIRE life, this has been true. I feel like the world and all my acquaintances are just sponges sucking any and everything good out of me. I have nothing left to give and no one that is willing to give to me for once. Other then my parents, and thank god for them. Really, it disgusts me how much I took them for granted in the past. They do so much for me, and have taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. They truly have saved my life, and I am so glad they are such a huge part of it.
I really didnt want my first entry in a very long time to be whiny and depressing. I really have been doing well. Im officially out of my depression after 5 years. I took a semester off from Rollins and worked. Ive discovered a lot about myself and did a lot of healing. My decision to go back to school was completely and utterly mine. Im taking a Jazz dance class this summer, and just moved into a duplex right down the street from my old place, so I can still walk to school. Its frighteningly big, and a two bedroom. After tonight Im not sure if I have a roommate. Not one I can trust anyway. And seeing as I can trust almost no one right now, that makes sense.
In other news, Im not dating men. I pretty sure Ive said this before, maybe even a couple times, so I would understand if I would come off as fickle. The vital difference in my declaration now is I now know whats behind it. There was always a very good reason for my distrust and bitterness toward men, but I didnt know the cause and therefore could not understand it or take it seriously. Last August I remembered the cause and over the past 10 months have had time to really understand and comes to terms with it. I know that at this point in my life I am at high risk for becoming bitter, man-hatting, and jaded. All of which I want nothing to do with. I also know that if I keep dating men this WILL become the inevitable.
I was born attracted to both men and women, I have always known this and have accepted it for the past 4 years. But because of my past, my romantic relationships with men have become dependant and extremely unhealthy, leaving no room for romantic relationships with women. Being attracted to both men and women puts me in a difficult position; Im defaulted as straight because Im obviously not gay because Im attracted to men, so why would women see me as an option? I need to rectify this. I think the only way is to adopt the lesbian lifestyle. Now, I mean no disrespect, or to imply that it is some easy thing to do. On the contrary, I have no idea what the fuck Im doing, or what that even means. I do not claim to be a lesbian, nor do I want to deceive people. I just want to break free from the automatic label of "straight" and learn how to go about dating women. I guess I will start with it as a state of mind, not dating men, and going from there with what feels right. I think this will be a good thing for me...even if I have no idea where its going.
People forget our plans, or make better ones, dont return my calls, or call me, dont IM me, miss me, or give a flying fuck about me.
I wish I could not care. I wish I could just give up and be alone all the time. Because lately people have been proving either disappointing or down right selfish and self-absorbed. If I could be utterly alone, I really would, but Im so, sooo fucking lonely. Not like, oh whoa is me I want someone to loooove me and take care of me and keep me warm at night, blah blah. No, Im talking about having someone, ANYONE to talk to, DO THINGS with, or even sit on my fucking couch and watch tv with once in a while. FRIENDS!
I know things are low right now, and Im starting school soon and they will get better. But even when I am around people I dont know if I have the energy to try. Even a little. Why should I bother? Im so forgettable and easily looked-over, plus I always end up giving waaaay more than I get in return. Looking back in my past relationships, for my ENTIRE life, this has been true. I feel like the world and all my acquaintances are just sponges sucking any and everything good out of me. I have nothing left to give and no one that is willing to give to me for once. Other then my parents, and thank god for them. Really, it disgusts me how much I took them for granted in the past. They do so much for me, and have taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. They truly have saved my life, and I am so glad they are such a huge part of it.
I really didnt want my first entry in a very long time to be whiny and depressing. I really have been doing well. Im officially out of my depression after 5 years. I took a semester off from Rollins and worked. Ive discovered a lot about myself and did a lot of healing. My decision to go back to school was completely and utterly mine. Im taking a Jazz dance class this summer, and just moved into a duplex right down the street from my old place, so I can still walk to school. Its frighteningly big, and a two bedroom. After tonight Im not sure if I have a roommate. Not one I can trust anyway. And seeing as I can trust almost no one right now, that makes sense.
In other news, Im not dating men. I pretty sure Ive said this before, maybe even a couple times, so I would understand if I would come off as fickle. The vital difference in my declaration now is I now know whats behind it. There was always a very good reason for my distrust and bitterness toward men, but I didnt know the cause and therefore could not understand it or take it seriously. Last August I remembered the cause and over the past 10 months have had time to really understand and comes to terms with it. I know that at this point in my life I am at high risk for becoming bitter, man-hatting, and jaded. All of which I want nothing to do with. I also know that if I keep dating men this WILL become the inevitable.
I was born attracted to both men and women, I have always known this and have accepted it for the past 4 years. But because of my past, my romantic relationships with men have become dependant and extremely unhealthy, leaving no room for romantic relationships with women. Being attracted to both men and women puts me in a difficult position; Im defaulted as straight because Im obviously not gay because Im attracted to men, so why would women see me as an option? I need to rectify this. I think the only way is to adopt the lesbian lifestyle. Now, I mean no disrespect, or to imply that it is some easy thing to do. On the contrary, I have no idea what the fuck Im doing, or what that even means. I do not claim to be a lesbian, nor do I want to deceive people. I just want to break free from the automatic label of "straight" and learn how to go about dating women. I guess I will start with it as a state of mind, not dating men, and going from there with what feels right. I think this will be a good thing for me...even if I have no idea where its going.