(no subject)
I don't really know what to say. The more I've sat here wondering what I should write, the more I've become stumped. I don't really know what to say about a lot of things anymore. I want to truly be happy for my friends and family. I try so hard to help people when I can but I am only one person. I can take on only so much responsibility. It's just frustrating the ridicule I take from my dad. I will never understand why he chooses to make me feel worthless just because he has an unhappy life..I will never say or do the things to my kids the things he has to me....never...I believe everything happens for a reason and that God always gives you what he thinks you can handle......Just sometimes, I don't understand why certain things happen I guess. I can't help but question.
Two of my friends started dating recently. I am trying so hard to be happy for them. I have been very indifferent about the whole situation because my old best friend kinda chose her boyfriend over me. Now I've said that before and she got upset, but if she reads this, honestly look at our friendship now. Look how much we don't know about each other and the space that's grown. I will always love her, but I dont trust anything relating to that situation anymore. So when my friends told me they were going to date, I just wasn't happy. I'm still not as happy as I would usually for those two. I love them and I want them to be happy, I just am scared I guess. I told them I'm tired of losing friends over drama so if they even start to act like the other couple, just dont worry about calling me for awhile. I just don't want to get hurt again. That could be so hurtful, but sometimes I just have to be selfish. But I am trying....I guess they will just have to be patient with me and me with them. I have to learn to trust them because these two people have never done anything before to question their intentions.
I have been thinking about something lately, a week or so ago, my friend Zak asked what it is girls look for in guys. I sat and thought about this today. You know how people say that girls date guys like their dads? Well I think I have to a point. My dad has always been distant with me and not always totally upfront and honest, and haven't shown me the most respect. Then I sat and thought of ALL the guys I have dated and who I've passed up. I've dated a lot of guys that just weren't the best for me at all. I mean there were the good times, but there were an awful lot of bad times. Then the good guys I passed up? Well they were sweet, and kind and would of and basically did almost anything for me. I passed them up why? I don't know why. Tom was the greatest guy and he is a good guy despite what some people say. He always manages to give me great advice and can make me smile even when I am bawling my eyes out. Jason, he and I used to be so close and I still value the friendship we have. I talked to him about anything and he did the same with me. I did and do still care for him. Zak, well he was a great guy as well. He has a lot of the same qualitites those guys have. I don't know if I will ever know why I let them slip through my fingers, but at the same time I may not want to know. I think God has someone planned for me that will be all of those things. I'm not in a hurry right now. I'm just starting to make plans for my future as far as school and figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life. That guy will fit in there somewhere. I wish I was this optimistic everyday! oh well..
Two of my friends started dating recently. I am trying so hard to be happy for them. I have been very indifferent about the whole situation because my old best friend kinda chose her boyfriend over me. Now I've said that before and she got upset, but if she reads this, honestly look at our friendship now. Look how much we don't know about each other and the space that's grown. I will always love her, but I dont trust anything relating to that situation anymore. So when my friends told me they were going to date, I just wasn't happy. I'm still not as happy as I would usually for those two. I love them and I want them to be happy, I just am scared I guess. I told them I'm tired of losing friends over drama so if they even start to act like the other couple, just dont worry about calling me for awhile. I just don't want to get hurt again. That could be so hurtful, but sometimes I just have to be selfish. But I am trying....I guess they will just have to be patient with me and me with them. I have to learn to trust them because these two people have never done anything before to question their intentions.
I have been thinking about something lately, a week or so ago, my friend Zak asked what it is girls look for in guys. I sat and thought about this today. You know how people say that girls date guys like their dads? Well I think I have to a point. My dad has always been distant with me and not always totally upfront and honest, and haven't shown me the most respect. Then I sat and thought of ALL the guys I have dated and who I've passed up. I've dated a lot of guys that just weren't the best for me at all. I mean there were the good times, but there were an awful lot of bad times. Then the good guys I passed up? Well they were sweet, and kind and would of and basically did almost anything for me. I passed them up why? I don't know why. Tom was the greatest guy and he is a good guy despite what some people say. He always manages to give me great advice and can make me smile even when I am bawling my eyes out. Jason, he and I used to be so close and I still value the friendship we have. I talked to him about anything and he did the same with me. I did and do still care for him. Zak, well he was a great guy as well. He has a lot of the same qualitites those guys have. I don't know if I will ever know why I let them slip through my fingers, but at the same time I may not want to know. I think God has someone planned for me that will be all of those things. I'm not in a hurry right now. I'm just starting to make plans for my future as far as school and figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life. That guy will fit in there somewhere. I wish I was this optimistic everyday! oh well..