(no subject)
Ok, Silawen. First I'd like to thank you for you taking the time out to do that. There are some things I wanted to mention about the story.
One, the main reason why this story lacks a bunch of things is really hard to explain. You see a lot of times I write stories, or parts of stories, that lack good writing skill due to me not putting very little effort into it. I'm kinda wondering why I posted it. Well mainly because it was the only Pokemon story I currently had typed. I say this to let you know that some of the suggestion you said I already know. I hope that doesn't make me sound, uh, self centered or anything. But after this I will put more effort into this story.
Now, on to a few things you said.
One, Spelling/grammar. Due to what I mentioned above will explain why there are so many spelling and grammar errors. The main reason is because I do have problems with those while other times my brain just goes faster than my fingers can type. If this was a story I was putting more effort into, I would have gone over it with spell check and checked it for grammar errors. But I'll go over it and edit it later.
Description: Normally I do put more description... and better description at that. So I'll have to revise this. The moch battle was just something like a simple prologue that wasn't suppose to give much room detail but I could probably fix it. The 'what Kaylie's changing into scene' was my bad attempt at describing Kaylie's outfit. The reason I described it was because it was a trade-mark outfit that Kaylie wears. You said that a skirt isn't good for adventuring, well maybe not, but it's still Kaylie's trade mark outfit. On that note let me let you know what bloomers are. Bloomers are a type of clothing that girls wear underneath their skirts to keep there underwear from showing. I believe I mentioned that fact that she put those on was i believe due to the fact that I just learned about what those were. Normally when I find out about a new concept or thing I put them into to my stories.
Ok on to the tense switching. I mainly did that to show what Kaylie was thinking at the time. When I do a first person story I prefer to make it as if the person is telling the story as in they can make comments on situations or jump straight into what they was or now thinking. it's possible it could use some work though.
Plot: well at the moment there are really only 2 plots. One is Kaylie's adventure with pokemon and the other is kaylie's quest to get noticed by her parents. By the way. Where due you come off with Kaylie being spoiled brat? Are you just type casting by thinking that due to the fact that she's rich she's must be a brat? or did I put something in there to make you think that she's a brat? Anyways, also with the thing about the expensive toys for her room. Well, there's one problem that maybe I haven't got across in the story yet. You see, Kaylie's parents don't just not spend any time with Kaylie. They treat her as if she doesn't even exists.
Other points: Any ways you brought up a good fact about how the Butler could have just purchased a clefairy and got her that. the same with how Kaylie got two starter pokemon. Well let me explain the character a bit. I came up with a group of characters to fit for each of the games. Red, Gold, Silver and crystal. They each had a charater that I had come up with. Then Ruby and Sapphire came out. My main character from Gold got edited into that but I needed a character for sapphire. So I came up with Kaylie. up til that point my 4 characters had all of the old starts spread out beweeten them. But since only the Gold character got Torchic. I needed something for Kaylie. I've changed a few things about the 5 characters including Kaylie. You see, my orignal idea of how Kaylie recived both mudkip and treecho was that she choose mudkip but Professor birch was saying how now one seemed to want treecho he gave treecho to Kaylie as well.
Plus, the Wristdex was something my brother came up with. You know how in 3rd gen games and back you could keep items in you're PC. Well the Wristdex was a portable PC. It also had a pokedex, a phone, and the trainer card. It also stored you're non-team pokemon. My brother was going to make it that it also replaced the Pokeballs too. As in instead of using a pokeball the wristdex would shoot out a beam to catch the pokemon. The pokemon could still break free, (not destroying the wristdex ofcourse). But I like the idea of pokeballs better than that anyways. And the Portable PC made more since realisticly then cramming a bag that could hold semi-limitless items like Gen 4 and above.
This is one of those people who just doesn't get it, isn't it?
One, the main reason why this story lacks a bunch of things is really hard to explain. You see a lot of times I write stories, or parts of stories, that lack good writing skill due to me not putting very little effort into it. I'm kinda wondering why I posted it. Well mainly because it was the only Pokemon story I currently had typed. I say this to let you know that some of the suggestion you said I already know. I hope that doesn't make me sound, uh, self centered or anything. But after this I will put more effort into this story.
Now, on to a few things you said.
One, Spelling/grammar. Due to what I mentioned above will explain why there are so many spelling and grammar errors. The main reason is because I do have problems with those while other times my brain just goes faster than my fingers can type. If this was a story I was putting more effort into, I would have gone over it with spell check and checked it for grammar errors. But I'll go over it and edit it later.
Description: Normally I do put more description... and better description at that. So I'll have to revise this. The moch battle was just something like a simple prologue that wasn't suppose to give much room detail but I could probably fix it. The 'what Kaylie's changing into scene' was my bad attempt at describing Kaylie's outfit. The reason I described it was because it was a trade-mark outfit that Kaylie wears. You said that a skirt isn't good for adventuring, well maybe not, but it's still Kaylie's trade mark outfit. On that note let me let you know what bloomers are. Bloomers are a type of clothing that girls wear underneath their skirts to keep there underwear from showing. I believe I mentioned that fact that she put those on was i believe due to the fact that I just learned about what those were. Normally when I find out about a new concept or thing I put them into to my stories.
Ok on to the tense switching. I mainly did that to show what Kaylie was thinking at the time. When I do a first person story I prefer to make it as if the person is telling the story as in they can make comments on situations or jump straight into what they was or now thinking. it's possible it could use some work though.
Plot: well at the moment there are really only 2 plots. One is Kaylie's adventure with pokemon and the other is kaylie's quest to get noticed by her parents. By the way. Where due you come off with Kaylie being spoiled brat? Are you just type casting by thinking that due to the fact that she's rich she's must be a brat? or did I put something in there to make you think that she's a brat? Anyways, also with the thing about the expensive toys for her room. Well, there's one problem that maybe I haven't got across in the story yet. You see, Kaylie's parents don't just not spend any time with Kaylie. They treat her as if she doesn't even exists.
Other points: Any ways you brought up a good fact about how the Butler could have just purchased a clefairy and got her that. the same with how Kaylie got two starter pokemon. Well let me explain the character a bit. I came up with a group of characters to fit for each of the games. Red, Gold, Silver and crystal. They each had a charater that I had come up with. Then Ruby and Sapphire came out. My main character from Gold got edited into that but I needed a character for sapphire. So I came up with Kaylie. up til that point my 4 characters had all of the old starts spread out beweeten them. But since only the Gold character got Torchic. I needed something for Kaylie. I've changed a few things about the 5 characters including Kaylie. You see, my orignal idea of how Kaylie recived both mudkip and treecho was that she choose mudkip but Professor birch was saying how now one seemed to want treecho he gave treecho to Kaylie as well.
Plus, the Wristdex was something my brother came up with. You know how in 3rd gen games and back you could keep items in you're PC. Well the Wristdex was a portable PC. It also had a pokedex, a phone, and the trainer card. It also stored you're non-team pokemon. My brother was going to make it that it also replaced the Pokeballs too. As in instead of using a pokeball the wristdex would shoot out a beam to catch the pokemon. The pokemon could still break free, (not destroying the wristdex ofcourse). But I like the idea of pokeballs better than that anyways. And the Portable PC made more since realisticly then cramming a bag that could hold semi-limitless items like Gen 4 and above.
This is one of those people who just doesn't get it, isn't it?