(no subject)
I am right back where I was a month ago.
The worthless, feeling of irritating someone just because you love them.
I am fighting so hard to make this work. And its a battle I am losing.
I want to be loved. Really loved. Not passively, but passionately. I don't have that now. I get touchy phone conversations and complaints about booking every weekend in October. Like I am the one who moved. Like it's crazy I am trying to make the most of this. Just make it plain work. What the fuck?
Talking on the phone shouldn't be struggle. Feeling rejected because he doesn't want to see me this weekend, isn't how relationships should work.
I feel I have heard from all the guys in current life this weekend more than the only one I wanted to hear from. I am at the bottom of his priority list. I come after his career, his family, his workouts, his school work- goddman everything.
everything.
He gets irritated with me for planning. But fuck. If I just left it to the fates, up to him, we would never talk. We would talk when he felt lonely. I feel like I keep throwing all I got into this relationship, and the only time I get anything back from him is when it is convenient.
It's a really shitty feeling.
I tried over communicating. That didn't work. I tried to be happen stance. That worked a little bit, but, it still comes down to convenience for him. He is still under communicating.
He said he wouldn't let me move to Dallas because I would resent him again. wow. Some great love relationship this is. He left me. And he wants things his way and that is that. He doesn't want to talk on the phone. He doesn't want to talk online. He doesn't want to see me two days out of the week. How the hell does he think this is going to work?
God I am so sad all over again.
I just want to be fucking loved. I have gotten more emotion, and more concern from everyone in my life this weekend except for him. I mention to Travis there was an accident, and he gets all frantic, "Oh my god! Are you alright?", MC makes me text him when I get home. Matt says he is excited about dinner this week. From Cliff I get some half attention and a time limit. It takes effort, that's what he always says. Duh, love is effort. Its all consuming, willing effort, that you do because you are just hopeless in love with someone.
I wrote this entry yesterday. Then we talked. He took his usual defensive stance, and I don't understand it. I still don't understand. It's life everytime I am disappointed, he gets mad at me for it. Which is really just fucked up.
I talked to my mom last night for six hours. Until 2AM. We both had our respective bottle of wine, in our respective cities, and we just talked, about every and anything. She had some wise advice for me, and told me a lot of things about my dad I probably never should have heard, but were helpful none the less. She has been really great about things. Sometimes she will say something opinionated, and sassy, but she does ask the right questions, and she knows how to feed my confidence levels. It should be easy she says. He should want to see you, want to talk to you. She has told me what everyone else has told me: 1. I have to decide the when the time is right, I have to build up my strength and realize when enough is enough. 2. He loves you, but obviously not as much as you love him.
My mom said dad her talked a lot about my relationship. They both agree that it has made me very insecure and that was very unhealthy. They also don't understand why I keep playing into, that it wasn't like the old Ashley. My mom said she feared I was so enraptured by the relationship because it is like a puzzle. That might make sense. I guess they why doesn't really matter, it is more of the "where do I go from here?"
The worthless, feeling of irritating someone just because you love them.
I am fighting so hard to make this work. And its a battle I am losing.
I want to be loved. Really loved. Not passively, but passionately. I don't have that now. I get touchy phone conversations and complaints about booking every weekend in October. Like I am the one who moved. Like it's crazy I am trying to make the most of this. Just make it plain work. What the fuck?
Talking on the phone shouldn't be struggle. Feeling rejected because he doesn't want to see me this weekend, isn't how relationships should work.
I feel I have heard from all the guys in current life this weekend more than the only one I wanted to hear from. I am at the bottom of his priority list. I come after his career, his family, his workouts, his school work- goddman everything.
everything.
He gets irritated with me for planning. But fuck. If I just left it to the fates, up to him, we would never talk. We would talk when he felt lonely. I feel like I keep throwing all I got into this relationship, and the only time I get anything back from him is when it is convenient.
It's a really shitty feeling.
I tried over communicating. That didn't work. I tried to be happen stance. That worked a little bit, but, it still comes down to convenience for him. He is still under communicating.
He said he wouldn't let me move to Dallas because I would resent him again. wow. Some great love relationship this is. He left me. And he wants things his way and that is that. He doesn't want to talk on the phone. He doesn't want to talk online. He doesn't want to see me two days out of the week. How the hell does he think this is going to work?
God I am so sad all over again.
I just want to be fucking loved. I have gotten more emotion, and more concern from everyone in my life this weekend except for him. I mention to Travis there was an accident, and he gets all frantic, "Oh my god! Are you alright?", MC makes me text him when I get home. Matt says he is excited about dinner this week. From Cliff I get some half attention and a time limit. It takes effort, that's what he always says. Duh, love is effort. Its all consuming, willing effort, that you do because you are just hopeless in love with someone.
I wrote this entry yesterday. Then we talked. He took his usual defensive stance, and I don't understand it. I still don't understand. It's life everytime I am disappointed, he gets mad at me for it. Which is really just fucked up.
I talked to my mom last night for six hours. Until 2AM. We both had our respective bottle of wine, in our respective cities, and we just talked, about every and anything. She had some wise advice for me, and told me a lot of things about my dad I probably never should have heard, but were helpful none the less. She has been really great about things. Sometimes she will say something opinionated, and sassy, but she does ask the right questions, and she knows how to feed my confidence levels. It should be easy she says. He should want to see you, want to talk to you. She has told me what everyone else has told me: 1. I have to decide the when the time is right, I have to build up my strength and realize when enough is enough. 2. He loves you, but obviously not as much as you love him.
My mom said dad her talked a lot about my relationship. They both agree that it has made me very insecure and that was very unhealthy. They also don't understand why I keep playing into, that it wasn't like the old Ashley. My mom said she feared I was so enraptured by the relationship because it is like a puzzle. That might make sense. I guess they why doesn't really matter, it is more of the "where do I go from here?"