godsends and smacks
Nope. I hadn't written in awhile. I say and think that everytime I log in, and it's true.
The good news is, Ashley is back. The last year has been touch and go, back and forth and now she is uncovered. She is dirty and still emerging - but back none the less.
It just seems suitable to begin writing again. So much has gone on in the last two years and I have changed so much, I really let myself slip away.
I am still a mess of emotions. I have been the happiest I have been in a really, really long time. It's fucked up. I feel like I have been liberated. I feel like I have won. I spent so much time feeling bad about myself, and the fix was simple. Painful, but simple.
I still miss him so much. I am so touched by the birthday present he bought me even though I will never receive it. It wouldn't have fixed things. It actually would have backed me further into a corner.
I hate that it took this much to get a reaction out of him. Why couldn't he just love me? Straight up, just fucking do what he needed to do? He didn't treat me right. He wanted to I think, but he was just obsessed with himself.
Ugh. I had better not think about this. I want his dad to be okay. I want his luck to turn around. I know his missing me is just going to get twirled into all the other bad stuff going on in his life. I will get overshadowed again. He never could realize how great I was.
Man. I have hardly cried at all. The first weekend was fucking awful, but then - nothing. Matt and Collin have been a godsend and life has just had this wonderful carefree feeling. It was so exhausting worrying about him, seeking his affection all the time. Man, I just wanted his love to come easy and it never did.
But now I am alone. And that is the way it is going to be for awhile. I won't lie. A big part of me would love it if he showed up and just plain needed me. It's fucked up. I can't save him. I wish I could, but I don't have the power. I have tried everything and it was all in vain. So what do you do? You climb the tree to the top, realize it isn't getting chopped down, so you either jump off or climb down. I opted to jump. Fuck splinters.
So many exciting things in my life. I have been looking forward and I know things are going to continue to come together for me. I will always remember the first six months of my life in Houston and characterize them as stressful, straining, exhausting and every other sad pathetic word you can think of. Now the city is growing on me, I am making friends and I just feel happy, and confident.
oh lord.
I am going to watch a movie and pretend like Cliff never happened. Better to have loved and dumped than to have loved and been dumped. At least this time I feel vindicated. I think Cliff probably got the biggest godsmack of all, me breaking up with him.
If the tables were turned... If the tables were turned... I just keep reminding myself.
Power through.
The good news is, Ashley is back. The last year has been touch and go, back and forth and now she is uncovered. She is dirty and still emerging - but back none the less.
It just seems suitable to begin writing again. So much has gone on in the last two years and I have changed so much, I really let myself slip away.
I am still a mess of emotions. I have been the happiest I have been in a really, really long time. It's fucked up. I feel like I have been liberated. I feel like I have won. I spent so much time feeling bad about myself, and the fix was simple. Painful, but simple.
I still miss him so much. I am so touched by the birthday present he bought me even though I will never receive it. It wouldn't have fixed things. It actually would have backed me further into a corner.
I hate that it took this much to get a reaction out of him. Why couldn't he just love me? Straight up, just fucking do what he needed to do? He didn't treat me right. He wanted to I think, but he was just obsessed with himself.
Ugh. I had better not think about this. I want his dad to be okay. I want his luck to turn around. I know his missing me is just going to get twirled into all the other bad stuff going on in his life. I will get overshadowed again. He never could realize how great I was.
Man. I have hardly cried at all. The first weekend was fucking awful, but then - nothing. Matt and Collin have been a godsend and life has just had this wonderful carefree feeling. It was so exhausting worrying about him, seeking his affection all the time. Man, I just wanted his love to come easy and it never did.
But now I am alone. And that is the way it is going to be for awhile. I won't lie. A big part of me would love it if he showed up and just plain needed me. It's fucked up. I can't save him. I wish I could, but I don't have the power. I have tried everything and it was all in vain. So what do you do? You climb the tree to the top, realize it isn't getting chopped down, so you either jump off or climb down. I opted to jump. Fuck splinters.
So many exciting things in my life. I have been looking forward and I know things are going to continue to come together for me. I will always remember the first six months of my life in Houston and characterize them as stressful, straining, exhausting and every other sad pathetic word you can think of. Now the city is growing on me, I am making friends and I just feel happy, and confident.
oh lord.
I am going to watch a movie and pretend like Cliff never happened. Better to have loved and dumped than to have loved and been dumped. At least this time I feel vindicated. I think Cliff probably got the biggest godsmack of all, me breaking up with him.
If the tables were turned... If the tables were turned... I just keep reminding myself.
Power through.