..
These past two days were good days off. I enjoyed them. I was productive, I had fun. I was looking forward to getting up early and going to work and then teaching mom how to roller-blade.
Until I woke up crying.
January seems so far away, now. Already half the year has gone by. I remember when I sat in the living room alone, I promised myself I would bury what happened. I would draw up whatever strength I had, and I would let that strength consume me. 300 was on, and I had affectionately named that strength, my Spartan reserve.
I was such a mess, last year. After October...I was just...I was gone. I was gone for a while. And I tried to pretend I wasn't but I was. Coming back from that cruise. I was happy. I had a man I was to marry soon. Who would be living with me. I had good jobs, and I had mom nearby. Life was perfect the day I got that apartment. And just as quickly as it was perfect, it became my worst nightmare, in the form of reality.
I cheated on a man, once; I wanted attention. And this man was so busy claiming he had no human emotions, no capacity to love, that I sought someone who did. I was dumped on my sweet sixteen, which I spent alone in the apartment. Every year after that it just seemed like I was cursed. No matter who I was with, something terrible always happened. I had thought, at the time, that Taylor leaving me was -the- worst. He was my first serious love. I became very sick after that, and then Bryan came along. Living with Bryan, was amazing. We still talk to each other. We still care and love about each other. But it just never seemed to work out between us and we're okay. We long-since promised that we'd look out for each other no matter what.
And Kane...Kane changed everything for me. -Every- thing. He was my rock. My solid weight. When I was down, he literally picked me up and carried me. He wrote about me. And he wrote to me. To this day I am still the only woman he has ever written poetry for. He was aware of me, entirely. And when I moved he moved to accommodate me. He had always joked about whisking me away to marry him and honeymooning in Australia. He talked of traveling, of wanting to do so many things. And yet...none of it ever happened. I love Kane. I will always love Kane no matter what he did, his disloyalty--I understand. It was no different than what I had done. He sought attention and love from someone who could give it to him. I can't fault him for that, only his methods. I admire that he said he was never going to leave her. And I remember. I -remember- how -happy- I was. That everything was finally. FINALLY falling into place. I was going to have my own place with someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. We would be near family. I could keep my job at the office. And all I wanted to do was tell him...all I wanted to do was say, "Look at my hard work. I'm sorry it took so long, but look at my hard work! Look what I got for us!" And to see those words...to see them in front of my face. To see -her- face staring back at me. To see eyes hiding behind sunglasses, staring me down. "Engaged to Summer Ariana."
I remember mom thought I was having a seizure. I just didn't know. I didn't understand. How in just two weeks, my fiance could just...do this to me...all the hours I worked. All the time together I forewent just so we could be closer together in the end. To be told, that I would never be successful enough. It all just hit me. It all -hit- me. Knowing, that I had to walk to work, when the pit of my stomach had literally been ripped out. What was going on? And I demanded. I demanded to know why after all this time, after all the jokes that I had another man, that it turned out he was the disloyal one. And all he could say was, "I told you, I'm a Monster." And she supposedly knew! Knew everything. And still she wanted to be a part of his life. The Kane I knew, was a lie. And so much of my life was ruined, spent trying to get back what we had in Kentucky, where we spent every waking moment together. All this time I felt like I had caused this. I knew that, my curse had just come back to haunt me. That when I had something very beautiful, something like this would happen.
No matter how much I sleep. I see his face. I hear his words. They get to me. At first I am just sad. I'm sad because I did not realize sooner who I was dealing with. What I was being lied about. And then, I get angry. Angry that I was stupid enough to realize I was agreeing to spend the rest of my life with someone who told me I would never be successful enough. Angry that I invested so much emotion, and only two kisses, into someone like him. When it turns out, he still only plays video games and watches movies and works at a convenient store. He skipped out on his "dream" to become a police officer. He skipped out on his dream of traveling and going to Australia. He'd rather live up to expectations of being a good ol' Alabaman redneck. I gave up on the idea of marriage or what it stood for after that. He went into this engagement, making a serious promise, and he broke it before he had a chance to blink.
There are two things in this world I will never get around to no matter how much I want it: getting married and giving birth.
I'm weary. Going for a walk before work.
Until I woke up crying.
January seems so far away, now. Already half the year has gone by. I remember when I sat in the living room alone, I promised myself I would bury what happened. I would draw up whatever strength I had, and I would let that strength consume me. 300 was on, and I had affectionately named that strength, my Spartan reserve.
I was such a mess, last year. After October...I was just...I was gone. I was gone for a while. And I tried to pretend I wasn't but I was. Coming back from that cruise. I was happy. I had a man I was to marry soon. Who would be living with me. I had good jobs, and I had mom nearby. Life was perfect the day I got that apartment. And just as quickly as it was perfect, it became my worst nightmare, in the form of reality.
I cheated on a man, once; I wanted attention. And this man was so busy claiming he had no human emotions, no capacity to love, that I sought someone who did. I was dumped on my sweet sixteen, which I spent alone in the apartment. Every year after that it just seemed like I was cursed. No matter who I was with, something terrible always happened. I had thought, at the time, that Taylor leaving me was -the- worst. He was my first serious love. I became very sick after that, and then Bryan came along. Living with Bryan, was amazing. We still talk to each other. We still care and love about each other. But it just never seemed to work out between us and we're okay. We long-since promised that we'd look out for each other no matter what.
And Kane...Kane changed everything for me. -Every- thing. He was my rock. My solid weight. When I was down, he literally picked me up and carried me. He wrote about me. And he wrote to me. To this day I am still the only woman he has ever written poetry for. He was aware of me, entirely. And when I moved he moved to accommodate me. He had always joked about whisking me away to marry him and honeymooning in Australia. He talked of traveling, of wanting to do so many things. And yet...none of it ever happened. I love Kane. I will always love Kane no matter what he did, his disloyalty--I understand. It was no different than what I had done. He sought attention and love from someone who could give it to him. I can't fault him for that, only his methods. I admire that he said he was never going to leave her. And I remember. I -remember- how -happy- I was. That everything was finally. FINALLY falling into place. I was going to have my own place with someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. We would be near family. I could keep my job at the office. And all I wanted to do was tell him...all I wanted to do was say, "Look at my hard work. I'm sorry it took so long, but look at my hard work! Look what I got for us!" And to see those words...to see them in front of my face. To see -her- face staring back at me. To see eyes hiding behind sunglasses, staring me down. "Engaged to Summer Ariana."
I remember mom thought I was having a seizure. I just didn't know. I didn't understand. How in just two weeks, my fiance could just...do this to me...all the hours I worked. All the time together I forewent just so we could be closer together in the end. To be told, that I would never be successful enough. It all just hit me. It all -hit- me. Knowing, that I had to walk to work, when the pit of my stomach had literally been ripped out. What was going on? And I demanded. I demanded to know why after all this time, after all the jokes that I had another man, that it turned out he was the disloyal one. And all he could say was, "I told you, I'm a Monster." And she supposedly knew! Knew everything. And still she wanted to be a part of his life. The Kane I knew, was a lie. And so much of my life was ruined, spent trying to get back what we had in Kentucky, where we spent every waking moment together. All this time I felt like I had caused this. I knew that, my curse had just come back to haunt me. That when I had something very beautiful, something like this would happen.
No matter how much I sleep. I see his face. I hear his words. They get to me. At first I am just sad. I'm sad because I did not realize sooner who I was dealing with. What I was being lied about. And then, I get angry. Angry that I was stupid enough to realize I was agreeing to spend the rest of my life with someone who told me I would never be successful enough. Angry that I invested so much emotion, and only two kisses, into someone like him. When it turns out, he still only plays video games and watches movies and works at a convenient store. He skipped out on his "dream" to become a police officer. He skipped out on his dream of traveling and going to Australia. He'd rather live up to expectations of being a good ol' Alabaman redneck. I gave up on the idea of marriage or what it stood for after that. He went into this engagement, making a serious promise, and he broke it before he had a chance to blink.
There are two things in this world I will never get around to no matter how much I want it: getting married and giving birth.
I'm weary. Going for a walk before work.