(no subject)
At this moment, I feel that I am officially depressed. I don't know if I've lost my sanity or gained it. Either way it seems to be a bad thing for our relationship. I can't stop thinking over and over again about many of the things you said to me over the course of our conversations the other night/day. More than ever I feel confused and like I don't understand you at least sexually. More than ever I feel confused and like I don't understand myself at least sexually. You said so many things to me... Some of which really just don't add up in my mind... First of all, in regard to my present weight and appearance, you use words like "good" and "fine." Well, that is all good and fine to me... but then, In regard to your own sexuality and to that of men in general, you say that it is largely visual. I remember when we were first dating, you used to tell me that I was "hot", "sexy" and other words to that effect. I remember watching you simply looking at my naked body. And then you might say "pretty" and/or begin to touch me sensually and sexually. That doesn't happen anymore, not like that, and I don't know why. I know that at first, we had sex every time I slept at your house. I never had to initiate it or hint at it or mention it. You seemed to enjoy yourself much more than you do now during sex and seemed definitely to be and feel passionate about me and it. I know that I have gained thirty five pounds at least since then. If our sex life was as good now as it was then, I doubt that I would feel so unattractive physically with my present figure. You said that men are sexually stimulated visually. Well... Am I not particularly sexy in my appearance anymore? You talk about watching pornography and looking at pictures of sexy female bodies. What about looking at my body? Is that not sexy in comparison? Is my passion admirable but not sexually inspirational to you? I was trying to ask you what I could possibly do to sexually stimulate you. The only answers I got were to give you oral sex... to watch porn with you. But that those won't work because they turn me off completely. You said that I should say "I want to have sex." That that "goes straight to the penis." Well. You know what is not sexually stimulating? Feeling like I am not capable of sexually stimulating you. That my being aroused does not arouse you. Are you afraid of telling me that I am not visually sexy to you the way that I used to be? Do you know what else is not sexually stimulating? That sex without love is nearly the same for you as sex with love or even with a great, massive love like mine for you. I may agree that I would likely benefit greatly from therapy but I can't help but feel like you might need it just as much. Sure, like we said, ignorance is bliss. But if my unhappiness makes you unhappy, I don't see how blissful your ignorance can be for you... unless I were able and chose to keep you ignorant to my suffering which I am not and would not.
You asked me, "why would you want to fuck me?" Because I am in love with you and that makes you inherently sexy all the time unless we are "fighting" or I feel unsafe with you for any other reason.
I am also very much visually physically stimulated, to be honest. Which is a big reason why I am also so easily visually sexually offended. It is very uncontrollable and instant for me and for some reason it only happens when I see a female body, not the male body. I have to consciously choose to view the male body as sexual or it won't happen. Touch, on the other hand, works differently for me. It does not matter whether the body is male or female, I will be sexually stimulated by sensual touching. Regardless of whether I am receiving or giving it. Also, I much enjoy and prefer the presence of a penis and the unity, closeness, trust, bonding, the "letting you in" experience that comes with it. Another thing I would like to point out is that seeing how I am only really uncontrollably visually sexually stimulated by the female body, I find that I am not affected that way when I look in the mirror now that I have gained so much weight. My body used to appear very sexy to me, even my face, and it does not anymore. I don't know if that is a result of feeling sexually unattractive to you.
But it certainly supports it if it is not the cause. Nothing else has changed about my appearance. You also said that it is not attractive when I complain about feeling unattractive which was sort of crushing for me to hear. I'm not an idiot and so that was already a concern of mine... Hearing you confirm it was only one more solid brick added to my wall of failure to feel sexually stimulating to you. You tell me not to take it personally and then give me steps I can take to fix it... How can I not take it personally??? It is a very personal thing! Our sexual relationship! Which, oddly, you say is not a huge part of a happy, fulfilling relationship then turn around and name it as one of like three basic human needs, drives or instincts. You say you can't force your penis to work and neither can I or you don' t know how I can except to turn to you and say. "I want sex" which just doesn't make sense to me... This whole, huge issue does not dismiss my eternal need and desire for sex but does make me feel sexual impotence toward you. For several reasons. The sum of this journal entry's contents.
This is a huge reason why I am depressed. I feel ugly, I feel like a jerk to you and myself, I am concerned about the future of our relationship, I don't have a solution for these problems unless it is simply to lose weight which would be the easiest solution as far as I know... I am so afraid now and I really don't know where you stand about a lot of this. I guess I wish I was capable of having more of an effect on you. In general. Overall, I would change so much about myself just to make this relationship work if I knew how and if I knew it was fair to me. I don't know either for certain at this point and you seem to believe yourself incapable of change.
What was that about compromise...? Are we simply and utterly sexually incompatible? Even down to our sexual moral values...? To our definitions of making love? Everyone is different and experiences things differently. But... what can be said for true empathy? Do you know empathy...? Or just sympathy? What can be said for the creative imagination? I've ran out of fuel for this for now. I am exhausted.
I know that you love me. That is clear. Not much else is, though. Not right now.