best list ever, part 4
120. Not allowed to put mustard in Lt. Costanza's flight suit.
* Or ketchup.
* Petition for making wasting of ketchup a hanging offense is currently in committee.
121. Not allowed to make disparaging remarks upon the subject of Maj. Adama's posterior.
* Especially not if they are predicated on the statement "Well, I heard from Mrs. Tigh..."
122. Noodles are not to be used as art supplies.
* Not Maj. Adama's noodles.
* Especially not Adm. Adama's noodles.
123. Footsie is not an appropriate or efficient use of my time during morning briefing.
124. I am not the Chosen One.
125. Not allowed to put LED drawings in CIC.
* Or on the flight deck.
* Or in the pilots' rack.
126. Not allowed to "spontaneously start speaking in tongues" around Sarah Porter.
* Or President Roslin.
127. I am not Gaius Baltar's defense attorney.
* Nor am I his psychiatric advisor.
* I would not be getting paid in sexual favors even if I was.
128. Not allowed to ask Captain Thrace if she's a natural blonde.
* Not allowed to ask Sam Anders.
* Not allowed to ask Major Adama.
* Definitely not allowed to ask Dr. Baltar, or imply that I might.
129. Not allowed to prompt nuggets to ask me about my "sexy learning disability."
* I do not actually have "sexlexia".
130. Not allowed to start a war reenactment group.
131. Not allowed to replace war room tabletop models with action figures.
132. Not allowed to steal anyone's clothes for "role-playing purposes".
* Especially not the President's.
133. Dr. Cottle has not authorized me to perform tests on Hera Agathon to see if she bounces.
134. I do not have a PhD in "sexology".
* Nor does Dr. Cottle.
* Nor does Dr. Baltar.
135. I do not have sole naming privileges in regards to callsigns.
136. I am not required to perform any of my duties naked.
* No, not even the Tai Chi moves Lt. Agathon taught me.
137. Not allowed to replace Captain Thrace's cigars with exploding ones.
* Nor Dr. Baltar's.
* Will not replace Dr. Cottle's cigarettes with exploding ones, for the good of us all.
138. Not allowed to wear a gimp mask while on duty.
139. Not allowed to use the phrase "it's a shame she won't live long" while referring to Lt. Agathon.
* Nor to prisoner Caprica Six.
140. Not allowed to siphon gas from Raptors.
* Nor from Vipers.
* Or to get nuggets to do it for me.
141. I am not the military-appointed atheist priest.
* Nor am I the advisor on Cylon spirituality.
142. Not allowed to tell nuggets that Col. Tigh made his eyepatch out of his dead wife's undergarments.
* Because it's not true.
* We hope.
143. I do not receive spirit messages from Billy Keikeya.
* Nor from Ellen Tigh.
144. Not allowed to put bumper stickers on the Vipers.
145. Shiny buttons are not a suitable form of alternative currency.
* Even if I can get people to accept them.
146. Not allowed to refer to Hera Agathon as a "Tostito".
147. Not allowed to send the nuggets on a panty raid through the pilot's bunk room.
* Or Col. Tigh's quarters
* Or Colonial One.
148. Not allowed to sit in Joe's Bar and lead a cheer of "Lee!" whenever he comes in.
* Not even if Captain Thrace tells me to.
149. Algae cannot be made into edible underwear.
* No matter what Captain Thrace says.
150. I am not Captain Thrace's "Special Destiny".
* Nor Gaius Baltar's
* Nor anyone's.
151. Not allowed to ask Tom Zarek if I can help him put the Vice in his Presidency.
* or to ask him if President Roslin already did.
152. The fleetwide wireless is not to be used for my personal entertainment.
153. Am not allowed to cough-say Billy's name during Major Adama and Lt. Dualla's wedding.
* Also not to cough-say Captain Thrace's.
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is "Poptart."
155. Will not remind the Agathons that their child might respond better to the name Isis.
156. Am not allowed to spread scandalous rumors about the president and the chief of staff.
* Including Pres. Roslin and Ms. Foster.
* Including Pres. Baltar and Lt. Gaeta.
* Pres. Roslin and Billy were so much less scandalous.
157. Am not allowed to repeat rumors from old Caprica that Roslin was getting it on with Pres. Adar.
* Especially not within earshot of Admiral Adama.
* Or Tory Foster.
158. Am not allowed to snicker when someone suggests we "toast" Lt. Agathon.