"it's so easy to get caught up in what i'm regretting"

[rapiid_fiire]

there will never be another you. ever. and i'm well aware of that, so you don't need to repeat it to me over and over. i'm more sorry than you could ever imagine. but i need to let go. as much as it hurts me. as much as it hurts you. i'm young. i'm scared of having to stay in one place. maybe i want to travel the world. maybe i want to become a diplomat, or a scuba diver, or an architect, or an archeologist! who's to know, really? not me. not you. yes, what we had was pretty much perfect, and you are more than perfect. trust me. i know you are. and someday, you're going to make someone special EXTREMELY happy. and maybe that someone could be me someday. but for right now, i need to be alone. and i want to explore my horizons, and i want to do things that i would never do. but i want to be there for you, if you'll let me. i know you're mad, i know you're hurt, i know you're upset with me. i get it. but i never meant to hurt you, i never intended to. i just thought that i could handle all this being in love stuff, but i really can't. i just can't do it. and i know, "it's not that you can't, you just don't want to." well, maybe i don't want to then. maybe i want to be free and have no strings attached and i want to be able to do anything in the world without hurting someone along the way. i feel so horrible because i have the ability to hurt you. and i never ever wanted to hurt you, and i still never want to hurt you. but i need to find myself. i need to figure things out. and if we're meant to be together, then we will be. just not right now. not while i'm young. as in love with you as i was, i just can't do it any more. and i've been crying all night because i know i'm going to regret this. i already do regret it. trust me. there's just no way for me to learn from this if i keep going back to you. we're on and off. i just want to be in the middle. i don't want to feel bad or good. i want to feel great. i don't want to be happy or sad. i want to be fantastic. i just want to be myself. you made me so happy. you still do. you're still my best friend, even though i know you're not ever going to talk to me again after everything i said, i'm sure. but i'm sorry. and if it's any constellation, i wrote you a song. i was crying through the whole thing, but it's on my music page. you can go listen to it whenever you want to. you know where it is. it's not perfected or anything, but it gets my point across.

you were, and always will be, the most influential person in my life. i love you more than anything in the entire world. there just comes a time when you have to make mistakes to learn from them. and this is the biggest mistake i will ever make in my life, but i'm ready for the consequences.