Speaking of bad weeks to stop sniffing glue
My mom used to refer to Aunt Ninny, meaning the voice in your head that is always telling you what an idiot you are. Often I vocalize the inner voice, telling myself out loud such things as, well, "You are *such* a fucking idiot!" For the past week or so I've been falling into something related, and I'm wondering: 1) if there's a name for it, 2) if there's a cure for it.
Basically I'll be thinking about something, and it seems as though it can be just about anything. Let's say I'm thinking about a movie I just saw. What has been happening is that I will translate those thoughts into an imaginary scenario where somebody, often an imaginary person but sometimes a person I know, will start berating me for something related to the chain of my thought -- in the case of the movie, maybe they take me to task for liking the movie, or for interpreting it incorrectly, or for not noticing this or that about it. This is another form of Aunt Ninny, but the fantasy scenarios can get quite elaborate. They are all fantasies of humiliation and scorn as well, in which I'm helpless to reply, because the accusations are so irrational and absurd. Part of the elaboration is that I'll try to get away from the person, but they'll follow me. Eventually I get very wound up and start imagining screaming at and physically attacking my accuser.
These fantasies always leave me feeling tense and angry and awful, heart pounding, fists clenched, mouth snarling. It's something I've done my whole life, but it isn't constant and this past week or so has been particularly bad. I don't know what causes it. Is it it stress and anxiety that activates the self-harassment? I dunno, but I wish I could stop it. That's one reason I'm wondering whether there's a name for it. I'm trying to find suggestions on the internet for ways of countering this mental process. It really leaves me feeling like shit. Or is it that I feel like shit, and this expresses itself in these fantasies of emotional abuse?
Doing physical therapy for the tendinitis in my shoulder has gotten me thinking about mental therapy for these internal outbursts. Maybe meditation? Or maybe I just need some time to not think about all the things I need to work on. Maybe I need some mental time off.
Basically I'll be thinking about something, and it seems as though it can be just about anything. Let's say I'm thinking about a movie I just saw. What has been happening is that I will translate those thoughts into an imaginary scenario where somebody, often an imaginary person but sometimes a person I know, will start berating me for something related to the chain of my thought -- in the case of the movie, maybe they take me to task for liking the movie, or for interpreting it incorrectly, or for not noticing this or that about it. This is another form of Aunt Ninny, but the fantasy scenarios can get quite elaborate. They are all fantasies of humiliation and scorn as well, in which I'm helpless to reply, because the accusations are so irrational and absurd. Part of the elaboration is that I'll try to get away from the person, but they'll follow me. Eventually I get very wound up and start imagining screaming at and physically attacking my accuser.
These fantasies always leave me feeling tense and angry and awful, heart pounding, fists clenched, mouth snarling. It's something I've done my whole life, but it isn't constant and this past week or so has been particularly bad. I don't know what causes it. Is it it stress and anxiety that activates the self-harassment? I dunno, but I wish I could stop it. That's one reason I'm wondering whether there's a name for it. I'm trying to find suggestions on the internet for ways of countering this mental process. It really leaves me feeling like shit. Or is it that I feel like shit, and this expresses itself in these fantasies of emotional abuse?
Doing physical therapy for the tendinitis in my shoulder has gotten me thinking about mental therapy for these internal outbursts. Maybe meditation? Or maybe I just need some time to not think about all the things I need to work on. Maybe I need some mental time off.