(no subject)
i don't know. this is really wonderful. really beautiful. so beautiful that i wouldn't even think of compromising it despite the snowball effect. i don't feel like this relationship is anything to apologize for, but sometimes i wish it had better timing. also, i wonder if i'm gay. that wouldn't be so bad. i certainly don't feel straight these days. i was filling out one of the little comment cards for the feminist response to twilight event and when it asked for my sexual orientation, i just wrote "queer" because nothing else really seems to fit. it's just that it's hard to be figuring it out in the middle of a relationship, for a number of reasons. partially because i'm kind of scared. i've had no sexual experience with a girl before rachel, and i haven't had performance anxiety in a long time, and that fact in itself is scary. and because when i feel like "if this is what dating a girl is like, why haven't i been dating girls my whole life?" i wonder if it's just because she's really amazing, or if i just have a lot of anxiety about men in general, or if it would always be so easy and comfortable to date a woman. and, in some ways it's strange to be figuring out which part of the population i'm attracted to when really, i only want to be with her. she's really wonderful, you know. i'm not used to having anybody around who fits me so well.
one of those moments. your room, with that big orange tapestry and the tupac posters and the dim glow of the christmas lights, you put emily haines on the record player, and as soon as you set down the needle, you stood up and handed me my glass of cheap wine and you sat down next to me. did you notice that we were sitting the same as we were for our first kiss? i don't know why i remember that. it was just that i was on your left and i was leaning forward and a little bit over your lap, looking at you over my right shoulder, and you had your left arm propping you up and resting against my back. in the dim glow of the christmas lights. one of those this is exactly where i should be right now, almost like dreaming kind of feelings. those always stand out the most. i think i remember my life in moments like this; the rest of the story hardly even matters. except it does, but only hardly.
i’ve come to realize that i drink too much when i’m nervous. one could say this is an issue, especially seeing what a fool i make of myself some nights, nights like friday. it's just that it's an odd feeling to be kind of overwhelmed by something that i'd never even really considered before. rewind: rachel and i, in my bed, in my room, purple walls and polaroids and ropelights. “i’m not trying to put a label on you or anything, i just kind of think you’re a lesbian. you just say things sometimes, and you’ve sort of already propelled yourself into the gay community, and even though you’re scared and anxious about this being so new and about figuring out your sexuality, you’ve been almost completely at ease with me.” and that’s all true. so there’s that. it's funny, i think some things would make a lot of sense if that happens to be the case. i don't need to figure it out right now, or at all really, it's just scary to feel like i'm free-falling until i do, you know. anyways. i listen to broken social scene all day most days because it reminds me that i’m falling in love with her. and it’s scarier, much scarier than i expected it to be, for a lot of reasons, although i feel like if i were to list them all they would just sound like excuses. because frankly, understanding why i'm scared doesn’t actually mean that i can change how i feel immediately. i know WHY i’m acting like this, but it’s mostly from years of conditioning and not from any cognitive errors or anything. but i can feel that i’m close. the other night i was sitting in my bed, alone for the first time in weeks, rocking back and forth and listening to music that made me the person i am today, and it felt so tangible, as if i were to just release my hand from whatever the fuck is holding me back i would just be there. i feel like this is the first time i’ve been so afraid of something so good. part of me is afraid that she’s too good for me. not that it matters. how do some people do this wish such ease? i'm in a good place in my life, getting things all figured out, but i feel like i'm struggling in myself so much more than i have been in a long time, just because i'm growing and sorting and learning who i am. i just when i thought i had it all figured out.
anyways, i'm working on this new project. not much of a project, really, just an effort. to just sit an feel, really. to just recognize it and try to embrace it. i just feel like it's too easy for me to just push away my feelings, or sometimes to not even notice them just because it's less emotionally exhausting. i just feel like so many other things, being close kinds of things, would be so much easier if i were just able to express myself the way i want to. do you know what alexithymia is? i'm alexithymic, i am sure of it, not only because i have a terrible case of intern's syndrome and i am absolutely textbook definition even if it is only a personality trait, but because of the way my counselor used to talk to me just the way my professors talk about counseling somebody who is alexithymic. do you sometimes feel better when your problems fit in a box like that?
anyways. home soon. i am looking forward to it, really. as much as i love this town, i feel like i need a break. this quarter was exhausting. and i miss my mom.
one of those moments. your room, with that big orange tapestry and the tupac posters and the dim glow of the christmas lights, you put emily haines on the record player, and as soon as you set down the needle, you stood up and handed me my glass of cheap wine and you sat down next to me. did you notice that we were sitting the same as we were for our first kiss? i don't know why i remember that. it was just that i was on your left and i was leaning forward and a little bit over your lap, looking at you over my right shoulder, and you had your left arm propping you up and resting against my back. in the dim glow of the christmas lights. one of those this is exactly where i should be right now, almost like dreaming kind of feelings. those always stand out the most. i think i remember my life in moments like this; the rest of the story hardly even matters. except it does, but only hardly.
i’ve come to realize that i drink too much when i’m nervous. one could say this is an issue, especially seeing what a fool i make of myself some nights, nights like friday. it's just that it's an odd feeling to be kind of overwhelmed by something that i'd never even really considered before. rewind: rachel and i, in my bed, in my room, purple walls and polaroids and ropelights. “i’m not trying to put a label on you or anything, i just kind of think you’re a lesbian. you just say things sometimes, and you’ve sort of already propelled yourself into the gay community, and even though you’re scared and anxious about this being so new and about figuring out your sexuality, you’ve been almost completely at ease with me.” and that’s all true. so there’s that. it's funny, i think some things would make a lot of sense if that happens to be the case. i don't need to figure it out right now, or at all really, it's just scary to feel like i'm free-falling until i do, you know. anyways. i listen to broken social scene all day most days because it reminds me that i’m falling in love with her. and it’s scarier, much scarier than i expected it to be, for a lot of reasons, although i feel like if i were to list them all they would just sound like excuses. because frankly, understanding why i'm scared doesn’t actually mean that i can change how i feel immediately. i know WHY i’m acting like this, but it’s mostly from years of conditioning and not from any cognitive errors or anything. but i can feel that i’m close. the other night i was sitting in my bed, alone for the first time in weeks, rocking back and forth and listening to music that made me the person i am today, and it felt so tangible, as if i were to just release my hand from whatever the fuck is holding me back i would just be there. i feel like this is the first time i’ve been so afraid of something so good. part of me is afraid that she’s too good for me. not that it matters. how do some people do this wish such ease? i'm in a good place in my life, getting things all figured out, but i feel like i'm struggling in myself so much more than i have been in a long time, just because i'm growing and sorting and learning who i am. i just when i thought i had it all figured out.
anyways, i'm working on this new project. not much of a project, really, just an effort. to just sit an feel, really. to just recognize it and try to embrace it. i just feel like it's too easy for me to just push away my feelings, or sometimes to not even notice them just because it's less emotionally exhausting. i just feel like so many other things, being close kinds of things, would be so much easier if i were just able to express myself the way i want to. do you know what alexithymia is? i'm alexithymic, i am sure of it, not only because i have a terrible case of intern's syndrome and i am absolutely textbook definition even if it is only a personality trait, but because of the way my counselor used to talk to me just the way my professors talk about counseling somebody who is alexithymic. do you sometimes feel better when your problems fit in a box like that?
anyways. home soon. i am looking forward to it, really. as much as i love this town, i feel like i need a break. this quarter was exhausting. and i miss my mom.